Chapter 6
Chapter Six
Kincaid
I guess we were just jumping right into the deep end in this conversation. The hurt in Tori’s eyes was so sharp, I could feel the piercing twist of it in my own chest. She held my gaze expectantly.
“Maybe my dad didn’t do that, but my dad just… Well, he didn’t do the dad thing.” I figured if she was going to offer honesty to me, I’d give her the same.
Tori took a swallow of her coffee, angling her head to the side as her pretty hazel eyes studied mine. Questions flickered there. “You mean your dad left?”
“He was never even there to have left. For all intents and purposes, he was a sperm donor,” I explained evenly.
“Oh. Well, that sucks.” She blinked, and the concern in her eyes warmed the cool feeling in my heart whenever I thought about my dad, or rather, his complete lack thereof in my life.
I shrugged, trying to reach for the lightness I used to ease that desolate sense of loneliness.
It felt like a dry wind through a barren place, especially when there was no one around, a clanging sense of isolation.
And yet, here we were in Alaska. My mother had other reasons for wanting to return, but she also wanted to maybe find him.
My mother had, as she put it, felt morally bound to let my sperm donor know she was pregnant. She’d never heard from him again after that.
“In a way, maybe it’s easier than what you experienced,” I added.
Tori shook her head quickly and definitively. “I don’t think it’s helpful to compare pain. It’s all relative, I think.”
I was quiet for a few beats, considering her point. “Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know.”
“There’s a lot I don’t know about life, but no one’s helped by measuring pain on a yardstick. I’m sorry your father wasn’t around.” Her tone was straightforward, her gaze clear.
“Thank you,” I said, meaning it. “Should we talk about something lighter now?” I asked, my tone dry as the dead grass after the snow melted in the spring.
She bit her lip, her smile sheepish. “Yes. Let’s. That was kind of a heavy start.”
“You look all recovered from your, uh, bee sting,” I offered.
“I am. Thank you again.”
“Anytime. I’m just glad you’re okay and glad I happened to be there pretty quickly.”
“Now that I know I’m allergic, I have to worry about getting stung again,” she pointed out.
“Just carry an EpiPen.”
“For real?” she pressed.
“Yeah. You can jab yourself.”
Her eyes went wide. “That’s what most people do?” At my nod, she wrinkled her nose. “Sheesh.”
“Getting stung by an insect isn’t that common, all things considered. If I happen to be around, I always have one on me,” I pointed out.
“Are you allergic to something?”
“I’m a firefighter and first responder, so I keep those kinds of things around.”
“Not a bad habit to have.” Her lips curled a little at the corners.
“Well, because of that habit, I had one that afternoon.”
She giggled. “Bella thanks you too.”
“Your dog is an absolute sweetheart. How is she?”
“She’s good. She’s old.”
“Old dogs are the best, aren’t they?”
“Yeah.” Tori’s smile was bittersweet. “Absolutely. She likes to nap. She likes the sunshine. And, she likes me.”
“All good things,” I offered lightly.
“Hey, hey, hey,” a voice interjected.
We glanced over together to see Beck and Maisie approaching. I might’ve only been in town for a little while, but Beck was easy to become friends with. Of course, I also knew Maisie well. She was the main dispatcher at Willow Brook Fire & Rescue.
“How’s it going?” Beck said when they stopped by the table.
“Good. You?” Tori returned.
Beck tilted his head to the side, considering her question seriously. “Pretty good. Except we didn’t sleep last night.”
“Oh, yeah?” Tori’s brow furrowed.
“Two kids with colds. Misery.”
“Oof,” Tori said.
“That’s the only negative thing I’ve ever heard you say about being a dad,” I teased lightly.
Maisie sighed. “Sick kids aren’t great. We try to trade off, but you sleep like shit no matter what.”
I studied him. “You actually look tired, Beck.”
He met my gaze and let out a sharp sigh. “Fucking exhausted, man. But we’re gonna get coffee, and it’s all good.”
“Where are the sick kids now?” Tori asked the obvious question.
“My mom’s babysitting. Because she’s a fucking saint,” Beck said flatly.
Tori bit her lip to keep from laughing, but it slipped out anyway. Maisie laughed along with her. “Beck’s mom is so good to us.”
“Someday, you might understand. It’s all worth it,” Beck insisted.
I shrugged. “Maybe.”
After a little more casual conversation, they made their way up to get coffee. Tori took a slow swallow of her coffee before she studied me for a beat.
“Well, since we dove right into our trust baggage, what do you think about kids?”
“Kids?” I sputtered.
“Exactly,” she said dryly.
“Exactly what?” I prompted.
“I can’t imagine it. Too many variables.”
“Can I ask you a question?” When the moment stretched between us, I added, “I guess we’re covering all the territory now, and I’m not even sure why.”
“Well, because…” she rolled her eyes. “Shelly.” She scoffed and straightened in her chair. “What’s your question?”
“Do you ever imagine yourself settling down?” I had no clue why I was asking her this. None at all.
Tori narrowed her eyes slightly, her teeth worrying her bottom lip, which sent a sizzling jolt of electricity through me. Dude, you’re having a serious conversation. Don’t be lusting after this woman.
“I don’t know. Not really. I can’t imagine it.
I don’t ever want to go through what my mom went through.
You just never know what people are going to do.
I loved my dad because you kind of can’t un-love somebody.
But he really hurt my mom, and he really hurt me.
He passed away, and I never really got over what happened.
” She paused, her voice softening as she added, “He was like a pillar of the community, police officer and all that. People in town loved him. He was awesome as a dad. And yet, he was having an affair with my mom’s best friend for ten years.
Most of my childhood, really.” She let out a sharp breath.
“And, I still feel so stupid. Like I should’ve known somehow.
Every now and then, I’d sense that there was tension between my parents, but I never really knew.
I could not have imagined what he was doing. ”
I nodded slowly. “I understand. That must’ve been awful.”
“What about you? Do you want to settle down?” she prompted.
The boomerang of my own question circled back to hit me with force.
She hadn’t been pointed, but my own issues felt sharp around this.
“Uh… maybe. But I don’t know. I don’t have a model for a relationship.
It’s just always been me and my mom. My mom’s awesome.
But a relationship’s never been high on my list. I’ll be fine, with or without one.
I’m happy for people like Maisie and Beck, and whoever else finds that kind of connection and wants to do the happy family dance.
My mom was pretty happy on her own. She still is, and my life is going okay. ”
Tori nodded slowly, her gaze studying me quietly.
After a moment, her lips quirked at the corners in a rueful smile.
“I feel like we’re on a date. You know, like those dating apps where you check off all the questions.
I don’t do those at all, but I tried a little bit in college, and I’m all set. ” She shuddered a little.
I chuckled. “I’ve never tried a dating app. I’ve heard too many nightmares about them.”
I wanted to tell her that I wanted this to be a date.
But I didn’t.