Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
Tori
“Seriously, Mom?”
I slid a mug of coffee across the table to her.
We were sitting in our usual corner at Firehouse Café.
She lifted her hands and let them fall. “I understand that it’s different for you than it is for me.
I really do. But I hate to see that you’re letting Shelly get to you.
You could try to shift your thinking about it.
That’s what I’ve done. I’m not even talking about forgiveness. I’m talking about letting go.”
“What’s the difference?” I ignored the stinging burn in my heart whenever I thought about Shelly and my father and the aftermath of their betrayal. The rest of us in their orbit were nothing more than collateral damage, wreckage they left behind.
“Forgiveness is…” My mother took a quick breath, her gaze contemplative.
“I guess, a blessing that you forgive them as a person for doing that. I don’t really forgive Shelly.
In a way—as you know—her actions in what happened hurt me more than your father’s actions.
” She took a swallow of her coffee, rolling her eyes.
“But as much as that’s true, I had to let it go, or it would char my soul.
At least, that’s how it felt. I hope you can let it go. ”
I let out a sharp sigh and took a bite of my bagel, chewing through my frustration. “I just can’t believe she moved back,” I said after a moment.
“Honey, her family’s here,” my mother pointed out gently.
“Yeah, and they suck.”
My mother’s eyes crinkled at the corners, slightly amused.
She shrugged. “Shelly is living with the consequences of her choices. I’ve let it go.
I honestly have no reaction when I see her.
You forget that I had to find a way to be civil.
Because you had to visit your father until you turned eighteen, so I had to find a way to make it not awful for me.
I wouldn’t say I let it go back then, but I accepted it.
I had to. As for your father…” she shrugged.
“Same goes for him. In the end, he regretted his choices because they destroyed his relationship with you.”
My father had died a few years ago, young-ish, from a massive, unexpected coronary event.
At the time, I remembered thinking it was because his heart was black.
And yet, I also knew that I had to carry the weight of the bitterness that marred our relationship after everything went down.
Sometimes, it felt like I had scorch marks in my heart.
The ground felt barren and burned in places.
“I just can’t get over Shelly’s nerve,” I finally said.
“Yeah, well, here’s the thing. People do what they do. They hurt other people. They make mistakes. They don’t think through their choices when they’re in the midst of them.”
“That’s one way to put it,” I commented, my tone dry as dust.
It still surprised me, but my mom really did seem to have let this whole thing go.
Meanwhile, I wanted her to be as angry and bitter as I was.
At the same time, she deserved the peace she had found, and I wanted her to have it.
I knew it was earned, a bit of hard, sweet peace she’d had to fight for.
“Maybe you should hear her out,” she finally added.
“What?” I sputtered, relieved I’d just finished chewing a bite because, otherwise, I would have choked.
“I did,” my mom replied.
“You did?”
“Yes. Honestly, at first, when they were still together and when they moved to Anchorage, I had to live with the shame and the embarrassment, and so many feelings of being a failure as a woman. Letting go wasn’t something I could do at that time.
I won’t lie. I said it to her, and I’ll say it to anyone who asks.
Yeah. When your father cheated on her too, and it all blew up, and she realized she wasn’t special, that she’d fallen for some of the oldest bullshit in the book, I felt some satisfaction at that.
But now, I don’t even feel that. That was more, I guess, validating at the time.
It helped me see that it wasn’t something wrong with me.
I didn’t have a specific flaw. It was your father.
I finally talked to Shelly.” My brows practically hit my hairline, but my mother shrugged lightly.
“Figured I might as well get it over with. When I heard her out, I was able to let go more. I think she’ll always live with a lot of shame for what happened. It hurt all of us, including her.”
All I could do was stare at my mother, my throat tight and tears burning hot in my eyes. The blast radius from the path of my father’s and Shelly’s choices left a debris field that remained.
“Shelly apologized. I do believe she meant it. She takes accountability, but she has to live with the fact that there’s a certain amount of trust I can never extend to her.
I absolutely understand you can’t trust her again either.
” My mother’s gaze was soft as she held mine.
“But maybe you need to just hear her out, so you can find a path toward peace.”
“You know what I hate the most?”
“What?”
“Aside from losing everything I believed about my father, because that sucked,” I said flatly. I took a quick breath. “I just don’t trust. Not in relationships. There’s always a question mark. Because I never, never, believed Dad could do what he did, but he did.”
“I know, sweetheart,” my mom said softly. “But trust is worth it. I promise you. I have other friendships, and I have complete faith in them. Not everybody will hurt you. It’s just not true.”
I blinked away the tears stinging my eyes. My mind spun to that moment the other night when I kissed Kincaid. I felt so safe with him in that moment. That was terrifying for me.
I didn’t feel safe with men. Ever. Letting down my guard wasn’t something I could imagine doing. And yet, somehow, I had. With him. That was so shocking to me.
Just then, the bell chimed on the door at the café.
I reflexively glanced over to see the man in question walking in.
He was with Leo Massie, another firefighter in town.
The mere sight of Kincaid set my pulse off like the buzzer at the start of a race.
My cheeks heated, and my belly swooped in a dizzying spin just as his eyes locked with mine.
I tore my eyes away from Kincaid’s, promptly running straight into my mother’s gaze. Her lips twitched at the corners as a teasing glint entered her eyes. “Well, who might that be?”
I cleared my throat. “Nobody,” I squeaked.
My mother’s chuckle was low. “Well, he looks like he knows you, so…”
“Oh, my God,” I hissed under my breath. “Mom!”
“Obviously, he’s a firefighter. There are firefighters aplenty around here,” my mom said with a shrug.
“He’s the firefighter who stopped to help me when I had the bee sting situation,” I said under my breath.
“He took you to the hospital, right?” my mother clarified.
“Yes.”
“Well, he’s a good man, then.”
I thought about my father and about all the good things he had done when he was a police officer in Willow Brook. He had been beloved around town. As a result, when the whole truth came out, many people had been shocked.
“Dad was a good man too, Mom. Or, so I thought.”
She paused, sadness flickering in her eyes. “Nobody is all one thing.”
“What do you mean?”
“Just that. It isn’t black and white when it comes to anyone.
Obviously, I was very hurt by what happened with your father, and it took me a long time to reach this point.
But I do recognize that he was the man who was so beloved in the community.
He was a good father. And, he was also the man who made a choice that was very hurtful for you and for me. ”
My throat felt tight, aching with that old blockage of emotion I never knew what to do with. I took a shaky breath. “Mom,” I began.
She shook her head sharply. “You know it’s true. Obviously, I have no idea what Kincaid is like in all facets, but he stopped and helped you. He didn’t have to.”
“He’s a firefighter,” I pointed out.
“Well, sure, but if memory serves, he wasn’t on duty. He heard sweet Bella barking, and that’s why he came over to help you.”
I’d filled my mom in on the details of that afternoon when she took me to the mechanic to pick up my car after they repaired the bent rim the following day.
I cleared my throat, breathing slowly and trying to ease the tightness and achiness that had taken up residence in my heart so many years ago.
Back when I truly grappled with the depth of my father’s betrayal.
“I know,” I finally said.
My mom paused, her brows hitching up slightly before she added, “Clearly, you think Kincaid is handsome.”
“Well, I mean objectively speaking, he is.” I ignored the heat climbing up my neck into my cheeks.
My mother’s laugh was dry as she shook her head slightly. “Yes, I’m sure it’s just objective. But you don’t usually blush when—” she gestured subtly toward Levi Phillips, another firefighter I knew, who happened to be standing at the counter.
I’d been a few years behind Levi in high school. He was a huge flirt and friendly with everyone. “I know Levi’s handsome,” I said with a shrug, striving to come off as casual.
“And yet, I don’t see that kind of reaction toward him.”
“Mom,” I ground out.
Her eyes twinkled just as Casey stopped beside our table, a tray balanced on her arm. “Should I get those plates?”
I nodded. “Go for it. My scone was delicious.”
“Luna is such a good baker,” Casey replied.
“The baked goods here have always been good,” my mother added.
Janet happened to overhear as she was passing by. She stopped beside us, smiling warmly at my mom. “I appreciate your loyalty, but Luna’s baked goods are absolutely better than mine.”
My mom chuckled as she shrugged. “If you say so, Janet.”
Janet’s hand fell to my mom’s shoulder and she gave her a gentle squeeze. “I do say so. How are you two doing, by the way?”
“We’re good. I’m just so glad to have my daughter back in town full-time now.”
“We all are,” Janet said softly.
I knew Janet knew all the drama around my dad’s affair with Shelly. I guess I’d just blocked out how much I’d hated it and how it affected me. Sometimes, forgetting didn’t work.
Casey collected our plates and spun away to another table, while Janet and my mother fell into a conversation about mundane things, the kind of calm, easy talk you could only have with people who had seen you through hell and back.
I sat there, gathering myself inside, reminding myself that the whole mess was in the past. So far in the past. It was all for the best. It didn’t matter that Shelly was here in town again.
It didn’t matter that I didn’t believe in love or didn’t really trust anyone.
It didn’t matter that Kincaid had kissed me and made me feel safe and made me want things I never thought I’d even want. None of that mattered, right?