Chapter Twenty
Tori
I stared into Kincaid’s eyes, lost in the blur. This moment felt startlingly intense and intimate. I knew I was in love with him, and it terrified me.
My body felt sated, as I always did, when I was with him. Meanwhile, my insecurity clamored, as if scrambling to make its voice known, to remind me of all the reasons I couldn’t trust anyone. And yet, my body knew a different story. I knew that I felt safe with him.
His hand loosened in my hair, his touch sliding down in an easy pass along the center of my back to rest on my hip. “Tori.” His voice was gruff.
My heart felt cracked wide open. I had to clear my throat. “Yeah?”
His lips twitched, just barely, at the corners. “I just wanted to say your name,” he added before leaning forward and giving me a lingering kiss.
My mouth opened easily under his because, with him, I always wanted more.
On the heels of that kiss, when I saw the flicker of something in his gaze, I wanted to comfort him.
This was an unfamiliar feeling. When he leaned back slightly, I lifted my hand, trailing my fingertips, along his stubbled jaw.
Kincaid was handsome, but when he had that five o’clock shadow, I just loved it.
I cupped his cheek lightly, my thumb tracing along his bottom lip. “Are you okay?” I asked.
His eyes widened slightly. “Of course, I’m okay. I’m more than okay, I mean—” He gestured between us. “It’s always incredible when I’m with you.”
All of a sudden, emotion rushed through me, like an unexpected fierce wind whipping something loose. It almost overwhelmed me, and I had to blink away the prick of tears.
“Hey, you okay?” he asked softly.
I cleared my throat, swallowing before I nodded. “Yeah,” was all I could manage.
I fell asleep with him. Again. I loved falling asleep with Kincaid. I felt safe and protected. I loved waking up beside him, the way he was always warm, to my usual chilly. I savored his strong presence. Sometimes, if I let myself think about how I felt, he was like an island of calm for me.
The next morning, he teased me to yet another orgasm. He doled those out like candy when it came to me, handfuls of pure pleasure.
It was still early in the afternoon when he texted me to say he had to go out for a fire.
I knew hotshot firefighters got called out unexpectedly, but still, my heart dipped for a second.
On impulse, I stopped by the station to give him a kiss before he left.
Solely because I wanted to, and I didn’t even let myself think too hard about it.
Maisie gave me a warm, knowing look as I walked out. She was tied up on a call, so I just waved and went over to Firehouse Café. When I walked in, I was feeling good. Almost giddy. Almost like I’d finally silenced the doubts in my mind.
Unfortunately, Shelly was there. She was waiting in line ahead of me.
For a heartbeat, I almost turned around and left, but then I realized I could either keep running from this or face it down and all that she represented to me—a bundle of betrayal and baggage I’d been lugging around while she tried to get me, my mom, and the whole freaking town to forgive her.
So I lifted my chin and braced myself inside. When I saw Casey behind the counter, she met my gaze and dipped her chin in the tiniest nod. Somehow, she gave me the burst of courage I needed.
After I ordered, I stopped beside Shelly, coffee in one hand and a pastry bag with my bagel and cream cheese gripped tightly in the other. “I’m guessing you want to talk. Let’s talk,” I said flatly.
In a way, it was a little assertive—maybe aggressive—but I didn’t know how else to do this.
Shelly met my gaze. “I’d like that.”
We sat down at a table in the corner. What hurt, as I looked over at her, was that I knew Shelly so well. She had babysat me so many times. Her daughter Michelle had been at my house as much as I’d been at hers. Shelly herself had been like family to me.
I took a deep breath, uncertain how to start. Just as I was fumbling, I realized it was really on her to start this conversation. I didn’t owe her an apology for anything. I waited. My stomach was twisting nervously, and my heart was racing with anxiety and dread.
She was quiet for a few beats. I took a swallow of coffee, savoring the jolt of bitterness, as if it could fortify me.
“Look.” She let out a breath. “I don’t know how to make this right. I’m really sorry. I’ve told your mom I’m sorry. I’ve told Michelle I’m sorry. To this day, she hates me because, according to her, I ruined her hometown for her.”
“Well, you ruined it for all of us,” I added, because that was the truth. That was how I’d felt for years.
She blinked. Her voice dropped to barely above a whisper. “Has your mom talked to you about it?”
“Yeah. She told me you talked to her and that she’s let it go.”
Hope flared in Shelly’s eyes. “You don’t think just because she’s let it go that she wants to be your friend again, do you? Because that would be insane, Shelly. You had an affair with my dad for ten years. That was years and years of lying. It was a huge betrayal.”
“I know.”
“I have to figure my own life out, but trust will probably be a lifelong issue for me, because my dad did something I never imagined him doing. You did something I never imagined you doing.” I shrugged.
“It was a lesson I never wanted to have to learn—that people aren’t always who you think they are, even if and especially when you trust them. ”
Shelly’s eyes were bright with tears, and she blinked quickly. “I know. I still don’t know what I was thinking.”
For the first time ever, I actually felt a flicker of sympathy for her, a feeling I never could have imagined having.
“Shelly… all of this is hard to sort through, because some of it I just can’t imagine. If it had been a one-time thing, maybe I could chalk it up to a moment. But it went on for years. You and my dad lied and lied and lied.”
“I know.” She twisted a napkin between her fingers. “Look, I’ve even talked to a therapist about this. I just… I’m sorry. I really, really am. And I hope you can forgive me. I hope maybe we can rebuild something.”
I held her gaze and shook my head slowly.
“There are a lot of things that could happen, and I’m not sure if I’m at forgiveness yet.
But I’m never going to trust you. That was such a selfish, long-term betrayal.
For most of my childhood, the person I thought you were wasn’t who you were.
You were lying to all of us, and it tore my family apart.
Obviously, I also hold my dad responsible, but it was a betrayal on both of your parts. I can’t pretend that’s not the case.”
She sighed. “I know. I’m sure you know he cheated on me, too.”
“Of course I do. I don’t know why you thought he wouldn’t.”
“He also never got over your mom.” There was bitterness in Shelly’s words, and mostly, it just made me feel sad. “He turned out to be a very selfish man.”
“Yeah, he did.” I paused, taking a slow breath.
“So you wanted to talk, and we talked,” I finally said when the silence stretched between us.
“Did you just want to talk for absolution, and the hope that I would just snap my fingers and... I don’t know.
..” I shook my head. “I won’t call us friends.
You were like an aunt. A second mom to me. ”
She blinked and stayed quiet for a few beats. “I know. No, I guess I’m just too hopeful. Maybe.”
I shrugged.
“I think for you to feel okay here, in this—” I gestured around us “—in the scene of the lies where everybody knows what happened, you’re going to have to work a little harder than you’re used to.
You’re going to have to get used to being accountable for what happened.
” Her face fell, but I kept going. “Why would anyone trust you as a friend? You’re going to have to earn that.
That still doesn’t mean you’re going to get it—with my mom or me. ”
Her shoulders rose and fell with a deep breath.
“How’s Michelle?” I asked.
“She’s okay. Still in Anchorage.” She looked down at her coffee. “Maybe it’ll make you feel better to know she was—and still is—furious with me. She hated that we moved away and that I married your dad. She told me I deserved it when he cheated on me.”
I didn’t even know what to say to that, so I said nothing.
“She says she misses being friends with you,” Shelly added.
Michelle and I hadn’t been best friends, but we had been close-ish. Sort of like siblings. She had practically lived at our house as much as I’d lived at hers. Her behavior toward me after it all came out hadn’t been great. I had enough sense to recognize she was lashing out in her own way.
At the time, I felt like I’d gotten the short end of the stick. Like they had won my dad, and I’d been left behind in the wreckage. But sitting here now, I realized maybe that wasn’t how it worked out over time. Michelle had been moved away from her home, from her friends.
“Well, she’s welcome to reach out,” I said.
Hope flared again in Shelly’s eyes.
“You can give her my number. But it doesn’t mean you’re going to get whatever it is that you’re hoping to get from my mom or me.
We can’t absolve you. Look, I’m not you.
I haven’t had an affair with my best friend’s husband and blown a family apart.
You’re going to have to do the work of coming to terms with that yourself.
When all is said and done, it doesn’t mean you’re going to get what you want.
” I paused before adding, “It’s not going to go away. What happened happened.”
Shelly nodded just as Janet stopped by the table, coffee pot in hand. She glanced between us. “How’s it going, ladies?”
I met Janet’s gaze, the warmth and understanding held there easing the anxiety racing through me in a loop of nervous energy. I was handling this better than I could’ve expected, but inside, I was rattled.
“It’s okay,” I said, knowing there was no sense in trying to gloss it over.
Shelly looked up at Janet, pain flickering in her eyes. “I really fucked up,” she said bluntly.
Janet nodded. “This is not going to be easy.”
“No, it’s not,” Shelly murmured before she asked, “Should I apologize to the whole town?”
Janet rolled her eyes. “Really, Shelly? Don’t be so dramatic. No, you shouldn’t apologize to the whole town. But the whole town knows. Or at least everybody who knew you and Tori’s father. We all make mistakes, and we all have to live with the mistakes and the consequences that come with them.”
Shelly nodded slowly. “I guess we do.”
Janet met my eyes again. “You okay?”
“I’m fine. Really,” I offered.
With a nod, she moved to another table.
Somehow, Shelly and I ended the conversation on a polite note. It felt, to me, that there was nothing left to add. After Shelly left, I sat there at the table for a while. I could even eat the bagel I’d gotten, which surprised me.
A few minutes later, Janet slid into the seat across from me. “How are you now, Tori?” she asked gently.
I snorted. “I’m actually okay. I’ve been putting off that conversation, or maybe avoiding it altogether. I don’t think Shelly got what she wanted out of it, but I feel okay.” I paused. “I actually feel a little bad for her.”
Janet nodded. “I do too. She made this mess for herself. We all know your dad was part of it, but he’s gone.
She has to live with the repercussions on her own.
I do believe she’s sorry, but I don’t think she’s grasping how deep the betrayal was.
It feels like she’s hoping if she gets your mom back as a friend that she’ll find her own absolution. ”
“Exactly.”