Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
Tori
I’m pregnant.
I could hear the echo of those two words ricocheting through my thoughts. Kincaid stared at me.
His eyes were wide, and his shoulders were stiff. The silence between us stretched so long I thought I might crack inside.
“What?” he finally said, his voice low and tense.
I swallowed, anxiety spinning like a storm in my chest. “I’m pregnant,” I repeated. With my hands already twisted together, all I could do was tighten my grip, as if holding onto myself. “Um, and I’m telling you.”
I watched as his shoulders rose with a slow, measured breath. He let it out all at once, running both hands through his hair before dropping them to his sides. “How long have you known?”
“What do you mean?” I hedged.
He pressed his tongue into his cheek and pinched the bridge of his nose. When his hand dropped, his gaze locked with mine again. “I don’t know why, but something felt off between us. I’ve had this feeling for days. I was just wondering if this was what it was.”
I nodded slowly, my anxiety clamoring even more loudly inside. “I didn’t expect this,” I blurted. “I didn’t know what to do, and obviously…” My words trailed off as I paced a tight little circle before turning back to face him. “We used birth control,” I added lamely.
“I know,” he said. “It’s not foolproof. Obviously.”
His tone was sharper than I expected, sharp enough to feel as if it sliced the air between us.
“Kincaid, what the hell?” Anger flared in me now. “I just needed time to process. You’ve been gone.”
“Is that when you found out?”
“Yeah.” I exhaled shakily. “I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do because, as we’ve established, this was unexpected.”
“You could’ve talked to me,” he said, his voice low but firm.
“I’m talking to you now!” I threw both hands in the air and let them fall again.
I paced in another tight circle, as if the motion could burn through the panic inside me.
“Look, this whole thing—not just being pregnant, but everything—has been a surprise for me. I never, ever, planned to be serious with anyone. I didn’t expect to fall in love with you.
I don’t—” I stopped, swallowing through the tightness in my chest and throat. “I don’t trust anyone.”
“Anyone?” His voice lifted, sharp again.
I stopped pacing. “I trust my friends. I trust you, kind of. But when it comes to this? Commitment and all that? No. I don’t trust in that. I hope you don’t take that personally.”
He clasped the back of his neck, his head bowing for a second. When he lifted his gaze to mine again, pain flickered in his eyes. “So there’s no chance you’re going to trust me?” He didn’t sound angry anymore. He sounded hurt. “I’m just trying to clarify.”
“I trusted my father,” I whispered. “And, look what that got me.” My voice cracked.
“Ten years of lies. Most of my childhood, honestly. I found out when I was sixteen. The affair had been going on since I was six.” My voice trembled, my hands shaking.
“Shelly was like a second mom to me.” My eyes stung with tears, and I swung my gaze away from his.
“Tori,” he said softly. “I’m not your dad.”
“I know, I just—”
“I would never do that to anyone. Ever.”
“You don’t know that—”
“I do.” His voice was firm. “Maybe it’s different for you, but I didn’t have a father.
Not really. And now I do—well, I guess I always did—but I didn’t know him.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned due to not having my father around for most of my life, it’s this: I would never build a life of lies like your father did.
Maybe I can’t promise you everything will be perfect, but I can promise I won’t lie. ”
“Kincaid, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I understand where you’re coming from. But it would’ve been nice to know a little sooner that there’s no chance you’d ever trust me.” His voice frayed with the last two words. Without another, he turned and walked away.
I kept replaying the look in Kincaid’s eyes. The pain contained there. Not anger. Not resentment. Just hurt. The way he looked at me before he walked away had cracked something inside me.
I’d been frozen in place, my feet stuck to the ground beneath them.
“Oh my God,” I whispered into the silence.
Bella, who’d been sniffing along the edge of the yard, came to press her head against the side of my hip. Her little tail gave a slow wag. “I know, sweetie,” I murmured, sweeping my palm over her back. “I screwed up.”
She wiggled a little, her cloudy gaze peering up at me like she could see straight into my soul. I knew I had screwed up. And now, I had no idea what would happen next.
I didn’t know how to square the fact that I didn’t know how to trust anybody in a romantic relationship.
The worst part was that I knew Kincaid wasn’t like my dad.
I knew he wouldn’t do what my father did.
But that didn’t stop the confusion of my emotions from wrapping around me like fog. I couldn’t see clearly.
I felt like I was the broken piece. If I’d been a different kind of daughter—maybe better, quieter, less complicated—then maybe my dad would’ve thought twice.
Maybe he would’ve cared more about how much his actions and the eventual implosion of our family would hurt me and would carve a deep gash into my belief in others.
I didn’t know what to do. “What do I do, Bella?” I whispered as I plunked down on the couch a little while later.
She gave another small tail wag, her presence always comforting and loyal.
I barely slept that night. I kept replaying the conversation with Kincaid, over and over. Every single time, it ended the exact same way, with him walking away and the pain in his gaze etched on my heart.
When the sun finally rose, I was too tired and restless to stay in bed. I got up, bundled myself into a sweatshirt, and loaded Bella into the passenger seat. We drove into town for coffee.
Casey and Luna were there. Firehouse Café was quiet and cozy. When I told them what happened, they both assured me they understood and it would be okay.
“I don’t know what to do,” I murmured, trying not to sigh again.
Casey handed my decaf coffee over the counter and waved off my attempt to pay. “We do consultations now. It’s on the house.”
I rolled my eyes. “No, really—” I tried to push the money across the counter, but Luna just nodded toward the tip jar. I stuffed the cash in there.
“You want a donut?” Luna asked.
“I can’t even eat.” I stared down at my decaf coffee. I’d gone with decaf ever since I’d found out I was pregnant.
“What do you want to do?” Casey asked gently.
“I want everything to be okay.”
“Then, maybe,” she said gently, “you should try talking to Kincaid again.”
I hesitated. “I do trust him. I think I do. I feel terrible. He’s really hurt, and I don’t know how to fix that.”
Luna raised an eyebrow, her smile kind as she studied me. “It kind of seems like you do know how. Life is messy, and it can be hard to trust, but there can also be people you do trust. Both things can exist at the same time.”
I let out a gust of breath. “But how do I know it’s going to be okay?”
“You don’t,” Casey said simply.
I blinked at her. “Well, that’s not great.”
She grinned a little. “No, but it’s honest.”
I took a sip of my completely unsatisfying decaf coffee.
“You know,” Casey added, “Leo and I got together all because of a therapy appointment.”
“I love that story. What does that have to do with this?” I asked.
“Well, Delaney—you know, our therapist—she told us something that stuck with me.”
“Okay…”
“She said that in relationships, there are no guarantees. Ever. You don’t know how it’ll all go. So all you can do is learn to trust the big things. Like you love each other and you’ll both keep trying to do your best, that kind of big thing.”
I eyed her. “That’s it?”
“She makes it sound smarter,” Casey said with a shrug. “But yeah. Sometimes it helps just to have someone outside of your own head show you the way out of the weeds. If you overthink and want everything to always be okay, you're pretty much guaranteed to get tangled in the weeds.”
“There is no guarantee,” Luna chimed in. “You know that already. But not everyone’s going to do what your dad did. Most people don’t.”
I closed my eyes for a second. “Fine, fine…” I took a breath when I looked at them again. “Kincaid’s not even talking to me,” I said quietly. “I sent him a text last night. He hasn’t replied.”
“I don’t think that’s about you not telling him right away,” Luna said gently. “You needed time to figure it out, and he was out of town when you found out. That part makes sense.”
“I think it’s the trust part,” Casey said, her voice clear. “You pretty much told him you couldn’t trust him.”
“I didn’t say it like that—” I began before snapping my mouth shut.
“But it sounded like that,” she said.
“It’s just that I don’t have faith in the universe. I don’t have faith in life.”
Casey nodded slowly. “I get that. But maybe this is your opportunity to give the universe a chance.”
I snorted. “What does that mean?”
“This isn’t therapy or logic or science. Just… a feeling. Like maybe you’ve already been given your one big hurt. You know? The one that breaks something deep.”
I stared at her, feeling a stillness inside. “Go on…”
“Well, what your father did was rough. The betrayal to you and your mom, the devastation to your family. Kincaid isn’t going to do that. Maybe this is your chance to believe in something and someone again.”
Luna nodded along. “He already told you he loves you.”
“And,” Casey added, “he moved here because his mom wanted to come back to Alaska. He left behind his whole life to support her. You think that man’s going to bail on you?”
I blinked hard, my throat tightening. I didn’t know what I was going to do yet. But maybe I knew where to start.
“She wanted Kincaid to reconnect with where he was born. She loved it here. She wanted him to find his dad, and he did,” Casey continued. “The man bought a house with a mother-in-law apartment solely so he could take care of his mom. There aren’t a lot of people who would do that.”
“I don’t know if I would do that. It’s a huge commitment,” Luna said quietly.
Casey nodded. “Totally.”
“I know he’s a good man,” I murmured.
“So, talk to Kincaid, talk this through. Give him a chance. Give the universe a chance,” Luna said.
A few customers came in, and I slipped over to sit at an empty table. I was startled when I heard my name. I knew that voice. It was Shelly. I took a moment to gauge my body’s reaction. That old, stinging anger wasn’t even there anymore. I glanced over, offering a polite smile. “Hi, Shelly.”
“Do you mind if I say something?” she asked.
“Go for it,” I replied with a shrug.
“I couldn’t help but overhear.”
I glanced around the café. Other than the new customers who’d just walked in, it wasn’t too crowded, so it was quiet enough to hear most of the conversation at the counter. “I didn’t realize you were here.”
“I figured,” she said dryly. “Look, it’s none of my business.”
“Oh, it’s definitely not,” I countered.
“I know it’s not,” she continued. “But as someone who has completely screwed up with people who mattered to me a lot, I might have more experience in understanding your situation than most.”
“I haven’t done anything like what you did,” I said slowly.
“Oh, no, no. That’s not what I mean. I’m talking about living with regret.
” Her eyes were shining with tears. “I don’t know the answer for you, and I don’t really know Kincaid.
He sounds like a nice man. What I do know is this: if I could go back and do it all over again and try to work through the things I was struggling with—my own marriage falling apart, honestly being envious of what your mom and dad had—I would’ve taken the time to find my way through it all.
I totally understand why you don’t trust people.
Your father betrayed you, and I betrayed you, and we both betrayed your mother, and both of our families.
” Her voice caught. “I will live with that for the rest of my life, and I can’t fix it.
I can’t change what I did. All I can do is own it and try to be accountable. ”
She paused, drawing a shaky breath. “In no way is your situation like that. But there is a kernel in common: not knowing what to do with those painful feelings, and not talking it through with the people you need to talk it through with, when you have the time to do it. So maybe do that. Especially if you plan to keep this baby.”
I stared at her, the truth of what she was saying slamming into my heart. “Oh,” I finally said.
For a minute, I was angry because she was right and I knew it. But she wasn’t telling me anything that Casey and Luna hadn’t just told me. She was just sharing it from the perspective of someone who had lost a lot and had to carry that regret. “Thank you,” I finally said.
She let out a dry laugh. “You’re welcome.”
I started to turn and get up before I glanced back. “For what it’s worth,” I said, “I hope you’re okay, and I hope you and Michelle find a way to get back to a better place.”
“I do too.” Her smile was sad and a little tight.
I stood from the table and slipped by her. Stepping outside, I pulled out my phone and texted Kincaid.
I’m sorry. Unreservedly. I’m not sorry for waiting to tell you about being pregnant, because I needed time to process that, and you were out of town.
But I am sorry for not being honest with you about how mixed up I am about trust. I do trust you.
I do believe in you, and I do want a chance for us to make this work.
Let me know when you’re ready to talk. I love you.