Chapter 9
M y eyes blur with tears as I push against the back door.
A cold gust of wind throws it wide open.
Icy bits of drizzle sting my skin, and I can barely see, but I keep on going, brushing past the faceless people on the street and picking up speed until I’m all out running as fast as I can, as far as I can.
My head feels dizzy, and a rushing sound fills my ears. I can hear Micah calling after me, but his voice is small and far away, and I don’t turn back.
I know this part of town, and I manage the six blocks to the park on pure adrenaline before collapsing onto a bench and burying my face into my hands, willing myself to shrink down into a tiny dot and disappear.
How could I have been so stupid?
My mind is swimming. To think—I’d even started to let myself believe he missed having me on drums. That he didn’t even want Rebecca back, because I was…enough.
When am I ever gonna learn?
I can still hear his voice ringing in my ears, calling out to me from the studio, except it sounds louder now, and I realize he’s here.
He followed me all this way.
“Kace—” He’s gasping for air after running so far, but I keep my face buried in my hands.
“What’s going on?” he asks, still breathing hard, and I can hear his feet shift on the ground as he tries to catch his breath and waits for me to say something.
“Look, if you don’t want to do the album anymore, just say so.”
The irritation in his voice triggers something inside me, and I lash out.
“It’s just the same old thing that’s always going on with me, Micah,” I hiss, staring him straight in the eye. “I’m never good enough.”
“What? What are you talking about?” His eyebrows fly up as he takes a step back.
“You can’t keep treating me like this.” I sense that I’m starting to lose control.
“Treating you like what?” His eyes are wide. He seems genuinely confused, but I’m done playing nice.
“Lying to me. Pretending that I’m good enough when you know that I’m not. And just…just…using me like this!”
He looks directly at me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Really? I mean, I was actually starting to believe you missed having me in the band—that maybe you’d made a mistake and that you really were glad that Rebecca was gone. But then, just when I started to feel like I might actually belong here again, you go and throw it all right back in my face.”
“What? I don’t understand.” His jaw is set. His eyes are intense.
“Yes, you do. Yes, you do, Micah. Just like last time, you’re too afraid to tell me the truth. But I know the truth. I can see it plain as day. I was never good enough.”
He pauses, and his voice is softer now. “That’s not true, Kace.”
“No. You can’t lie to me. I saw your phone. I know she’s coming back to finish the album.”
I’m watching his face closely as I give him this information. He jerks his head back, squinting at me.
“No, she’s not coming back to record.”
“I saw her text. She’s bringing her kit over to the studio tomorrow morning. So do you want to explain to me why she’s doing that if you aren’t planning to have her finish the album?”
“What? How would I know? I told her you’re on the album now. I said you had it covered, so I have no idea why she would do that.”
He didn’t know. So why is Rebecca trying to reinsert herself into things?
“Maybe she figures she replaced me once, so why not do it again,” I say.
Rebecca gets what Rebecca wants.
“Kace.” He takes a step toward me and sits down on the bench.
“No, Micah.” I shift away from him. “How could you do that to me?”
“Do what? I didn’t even ask her to come back.”
“I’m not talking about the album!” I shout.
He sits back, stunned.
“How could you just…replace me? We were a team. We were best friends, but you didn’t even have the common decency to tell me to my face. After everything we’d built together, I had to go and figure it out for myself.”
My eyes are welling up with tears, but I keep going.
“Even after I realized what was happening, I still had to get up on that stage and play the show with you. There was already so much pressure because the talent scout was gonna be there, but I felt like it had to be the best show I’d ever played in my life.
I thought if I could just impress the talent scout then maybe you’d decide to keep me after all. ”
He hangs his head down and inhales sharply.
“I was trying so hard to stay calm and focused before the show, but then, just as we were heading up onstage, Rebecca ran over and kissed you right there in front of me, and my mind went blank.”
“Kace—” He tries to cut in, but I need to get it all out.
“And then—what—did I stumble my way through two whole songs before I finally made a break for it?”
I press my hands hard against my face, covering my eyes as my mind flashes back to the utter humiliation of that night. My lungs are so tight I can’t breathe.
“No. You’re right,” he says abruptly, his voice calm and clear. “You’re right. About everything. I—I tried to tell myself that I was just considering all my options. That I didn’t do anything wrong. But I was thinking about replacing you. I can’t believe I did that to you. I’m so sorry.”
My shoulders heave as I break into full-on sobs, and he sits next to me in silence for several minutes while I cry.
Then I feel his warm hand press against the cool skin of my arm, and when he speaks again his voice is soft.
“I didn’t realize what you were going through. I—I can’t believe I hurt you like that.”
Tears stream down my cheeks as he leans in toward me and wraps me in his arms. I rest my cheek against his chest, feeling the warmth of his body as he holds me close, my tears soaking through his T-shirt as my body shakes.
“It was wrong, what I did. I’m so sorry, Kace.”
As his words make their way into my heart I can feel something shifting, like a deep, dark part of me is cracking open just a little bit, letting a tiny bit of light seep back in.
He takes his hoodie off and drapes it over my shoulders to warm me, then he rocks me, very gently, his face tilted down toward mine, his arms strong and solid, steadying me.
We stay wrapped up like this in the drizzling rain for several minutes until I hear him whisper, “You were always enough. You were so much more than enough.” His arms hug me close.
“I know how much you struggle with your confidence ever since your mom took off the way she did. But the choices that she made…those were her mistakes, and her leaving had nothing to do with you. These bad choices that I made…these were my mistakes. You’re the best, Kace.
There’s nobody better, and it was never about that. ”
“But, then, why?” I search his eyes.
“She had connections. And sure, Rebecca is a top-level drummer, but she could never come close to the way you’re able to feel the music—the way you find those grooves that I don’t even know the songs need.
She can hold a good steady beat and keep the music moving forward, but she isn’t you, Kace.
Still, I thought she was gonna open doors for me, and I was so fixated on the idea of making it big that I thought having her on drums was gonna be my ticket. ”
He takes a deep breath, and his expression is pained, his eyes full of regret.
“I wasn’t thinking about you. I wasn’t thinking about us. I wasn’t thinking about anything that mattered, until suddenly—you were gone. And I realized I’d lost everything.”
I nod, because that was how it felt for me too. Like I’d lost everything.
“When you quit the band, when you told me you were ready to move on…I thought you didn’t care about me an ymore. I thought you didn’t care about the music. Then, when you wouldn’t answer my calls?—”
“No.” I shake my head softly, resting my cheek against his chest. “I loved what we had together. It was the thing I loved most in the whole world—playing music with you.”
He inhales sharply, and I glance up and see that his eyes are misty.
“You were the best thing that ever happened to me, Kace. I can’t believe I gave it all up—for nothing.”
“No. I’m still here,” I whisper, leaning back into him. He tilts his head to rest his chin on my forehead, pulling me in close.
“It was me too, though,” I say. “I should have told you how hurt I was instead of keeping it all inside. Maybe we could have hashed things out before it all got so out of control.”
I nuzzle up against him, feeling his chest rise and fall with every breath as we huddle together.
“You can always talk to me, Kace. You can tell me anything. You never have to hide your feelings. I want to know what you think, even if I’m not gonna like it.”
I tilt my head to look up toward him, and he’s smiling down at me so sweetly. He reaches up to move one of my curls away from my face, twirling it in his fingers.
I can feel my heart thumping hard, almost bursting in my chest. Because I need him. I need him like I need air to breathe.
And he needs me.
Or, at least, he needs me on drums, feeling the music with him, working out the beats that his songs are craving.
But somehow that doesn’t feel like enough anymore. Not after I let myself go there with him last night. My heart is aching, desperately wanting this to be so much more than it is.
But how can it be? Even if we do hook up again, I know he’s not looking for a serious commitment. Besides, love relationships don’t last. My dad left my mom, and my mom left me. If I’m not careful, I’m going to end up falling so hard I won’t be able to pick myself up again.
I move away from his arms and shift to the side a couple of inches, straightening my back and lifting my head up.
“OK, enough tears. We should get back to work.” I smile to let him know I’m all right and squeeze his hand once.
He hesitates, and I can tell he wants to say more, but he rolls with it, and we make our way back toward the studio.