Chapter 18
Leland
No. No. No. No.
This can’t be happening. He moved. He moved away.
I run up the last of the trail that will take me to the top of the bluffs and skid to a stop. I’m pouring sweat, and my heart is pounding out of my chest. I don’t even know how many miles I just full-out ran, but I don’t care. I had to get away.
He’s not supposed to be here.
I start pacing, feeling that familiar nauseous feeling swirling in my gut.
The fear and the shame hit me so hard that my knees buckle, and I hit them so hard that my teeth clank together.
My phone rings again and I don’t even have the strength to pull it from my pocket.
Plus, I can’t face Zac and Vince right now.
Zac and Vince. Zac faced my biggest shame head on, and I can’t handle that.
I know I’m spiraling and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
Maybe I should just jump.
I crawl the few feet to the edge but before I can get there, my phone starts ringing again. I dig it from my pocket with shaky hands and see Oli’s name.
“Oli,” I whimper when I slide to answer.
“Le, where are you?”
“I can’t do this anymore.”
“Leland. I need to know where you are.”
“He’s not supposed to be here.”
“Leland.” Jace’s whipcrack voice comes through the line, and I suck in a breath at the demand in his tone. “Where are you?” I look over the edge of the cliff and start calculating how long it will take me to fall. “Sweetheart, you need to tell me where you are.”
Something inside me breaks, like full on fucking shatters. My body feels heavy, and it’s like my heart is being ripped from my chest. “The bluffs.” I land on my stomach and just stare over the edge.
“I need you to hold on,” Oliver says. “We’re on our way.”
“I want you to stop worrying about me, Oli. Be happy.”
“Leland,” Oliver chokes out. “I can’t be happy without you. Please.”
I end the call before he can say anything else, because I can’t bear to know that I’m hurting him. He’s dealt with my bullshit for long enough. The long periods of depression, the outbursts, and the days of complete silence.
Then there’s Zac and Vince. They’ve worked so hard to make sure I was happy, cared for, and loved. And I can’t even fucking deal with seeing my abuser one goddamn time in years. Just the thought of him is enough to send me running, but coming face to face with him? That’s enough to break me.
I don’t know how long I lay there before I start hearing voices. I lift my head and turn it the other way, my eyes landing on Zac and Vince. “Stop,” I croak. “Don’t come any closer.”
To their credit they do stop, but I can see that it’s killing them not to run to me. See, they don’t need this. They need someone who is whole, not a piece of himself that he used to be.
“Baby doll, why don’t you come away from the edge?” Vince’s voice is steady, demanding like it always is, but there’s a slight tremble that he can’t hide.
I shake my head and lay my cheek back in the dirt. “No. You guys deserve someone better than me. Please go.”
“We aren’t leaving you, pretty boy. We promised forever, and that’s what it’s going to be. Please come over here so we can talk.” There’s so much pain in Zac’s voice that my eyes well up with tears. “Please?”
“He’s not supposed to be here.”
“Leland, I need you to listen to me.” Vince takes a step forward and drops to his knees.
“You can’t let him win. You are so strong and so perfect just the way you are.
We love you no matter what. Nothing will change that.
Not your past, not the thoughts in your head, nothing.
We just want to love you through it. You just have to let us. ”
I jump to my feet, ignoring that I can feel the dirt crumpling beneath me. “HE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!” My voice echoes around the bluffs and I tap into that anger. “He moved! He left the day after I quit the team because he knew I was going to start talking if he didn’t. Why is he here?”
Vince slowly gets to his feet and takes another step forward. “We don’t have the answers to that, but we can make sure he leaves for good. Right now, all we care about is you. Let us help you through this. Let us love you, baby doll.”
My mind clears enough that when I look at Zac and Vince, I actually see what they’re saying.
There’s no disgust, no impatience at my extreme reactions.
There’s just love and understanding. I feel like I’m still being pulled in two different directions though.
My heart is telling me to trust them, but my brain is telling me to just get it over with.
To just jump and let them move on with their lives.
They spent a year chasing me just to end up with someone so fucked up that he doesn’t know how to regulate his emotions.
Someone who can’t make up his mind whether he should just finally fucking let go and fully trust them.
Vince takes one more step forward and holds his hand out.
I look at it and then look at his face. When I see a single tear roll down his cheek, everything clicks into place.
I run the rest of the way to him and jump in his arms. He catches me easily and Zac runs over, plastering himself to our sides.
I start crying so hard that I can’t catch my breath, and I’m clinging to Vince’s neck so hard that I’m afraid that I’ll cut off his air supply.
“Daddy—”
“We’ve got you, baby doll.”
Vince turns around and starts walking back down the trail with me still attached to him.
I try to slide down but he holds tighter, like he’s afraid to let me go.
When we get to the bottom, I see Zac and Vince’s cars parked haphazardly and Vince’s bumper is almost touching the back of Zac’s.
There’s also another car there and I start crying harder when I see Oliver, Toby, Jace, and Aiden waiting beside it.
“You guys take him home, and one of us will get your car there,” I hear Jace say. Keys are handed over, and someone opens Vince’s backdoor. He slides in with me in his lap, clutching me like a lifeline. Tears are still pouring down my face, and my chest is getting tighter.
Vince gently blows in my face. “Breathe, baby doll.” He wipes the tears from my cheek with his sleeve. “Just breathe.”
Oliver appears through my blurry vision, grabs both cheeks and pecks my lips, not giving a fuck about the mess my face is. “I love you. Call me when you’re ready.”
I try to get words to come out, but all that does is a sob.
Vince pulls me closer, the door shuts, Zac gets in the driver’s seat, and he starts backing out to go back to the main road.
I bury my face in Vince’s shirt, listening to his voice rumble through his chest. I’m not sure what he’s saying, all I know is my eyes start getting heavy.
And I feel safe.
* * *
I wake with a jerk, covered in sweat in an empty bed. I don’t know why that makes me panic, but my heart starts hammering in my chest.
“Daddy!” I call out and hear footsteps running to the hall. Vince comes into the room and he’s on the bed, gathering me in his arms. “Daddy.”
“I’m sorry, baby doll.”
“Why are you apologizing?”
“We didn’t want to leave you alone, but Zac is getting breakfast and I had to take a call.”
What the fuck? “Breakfast?” Zac and I were getting breakfast before all hell broke loose. Hours have had to have passed by now.
“You’ve been asleep for a long time, baby doll. I even had a doctor come check you out because I was so worried.”
“Why do you put up with me?” I whisper, crawling onto his lap. I tighten my legs on his hips and wrap my arms around his neck. I’m afraid if I let go, they really will leave me.
“Because I love you.” Vince says it so matter of factly and without hesitation that tears fill my eyes.
I would think after my breakdown yesterday and sleeping apparently all day and all night I’d be cried out.
“And we aren’t ‘putting up with you’, Leland.
That’s your fear talking. Putting up with you implies that we’re just doing it to humor ourselves, and that’s not the case.
We would do whatever it takes to make sure you’re safe, happy, and satisfied.
We’ll burn down this world if that’s what you need. ”
My emotions are all over the place, so all I can do is squeeze him tight. One second I feel like I’m on top of the world, and the next I want to crawl into a hole to hide. I can’t seem to find that happy medium, and my breathing speeds up.
Vince grabs my cheeks and pulls me back to look into my eyes.
“Do you trust me?” I nod because I absolutely do.
“I want to try something with you. It might seem out of place right now, but I think it will help.” I nod again.
I know what Vince is good at and that’s getting me out of my head, even if it seems unconventional to others.
Vince scoots with me still attached to him to the edge of the bed and stands up.
He carries me from the room and down the hall to the playroom that I’ve only walked through.
He sits me on my feet and grabs my face again. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Yes please, Daddy.” I just need a fucking break from the thoughts swirling in my head. I was going to jump this morning, no doubt in my mind until Vince and Zac showed up. Then that makes me feel like shit, because I know how that would have hurt them.
Vince grabs the hem of my shirt and pulls it over my head, then he takes off my sweats that one of them must have changed me into.
He lays my clothes on the table to our left and turns back to me.
“Arms up, baby doll.” I lift them and he wraps the restraints around my wrists.
When Vince squats in front of me to put my ankles in restraints also, I almost panic until I remind myself that I have a safeword and Vince would never intentionally hurt me.
Vince kisses my thigh before rising to his feet.
“I’m going to push you hard, but not in the way we normally do.
I don’t think you need that right now. Do you understand? ”
“Yes, Daddy.” My voice is small and shaky, begging him to do something.
Vince kisses me softly on lips and steps from my line of sight.
I hear him moving behind me, and then something soft runs down my spine.
“Leland, I need you to promise me if this gets to be too much, you safeword. Don’t try to tough it out because you think that’s what I want.
This isn’t about me. It’s about you. Do you understand? ”
“Yes, Daddy.”
Vince runs something down my spine again. “This is a whip. I want you to count to three, take a deep breath and then blow it out.”
My nerves were already sky high as soon as he said whip but I count to three out loud, suck in a lungful of air and when I blow it out the first strike hits me right across my shoulder blades.
My eyes widen and I gasp. It stings and hurts, but in a weird way.
Vince lets that spread across my nerve endings before hitting me again right below that one.
“You didn’t deserve what he did to you.” Smack. I whimper. Smack. “He doesn’t deserve the space he fills up in your head.” Smack. My muscles clench, my teeth grit. Smack. “There’s nothing you could have done.” Smack. Smack. Smack.
“I could have said no!”
“When?” Vince taunts. “When you were a confused kid thinking this man was there for you? Or when he was taking advantage of you while you were drunk?”
“Anytime! I could have told him no anytime!”
“Would he have listened?” Smack. That thought gives me pause, and my hands ball into fists. “He got you drunk the first time he raped you. Do you think he would have listened to the word no?” Smack.
“I could have told someone.”
“Who?” Vince asks and it’s the tone of his voice that sets me on edge.
It’s challenging everything that I’ve ever thought.
“The school? Who were they going to believe? Your dad? You saw how that went. You were just a kid.” Smack.
“Say it.” I shake my head, and Vince lights the rest of my back up down to the middle of my ass.
When the whip wraps around and kisses my thigh, I cry out. “Say. It.” Smack. Smack. Smack.
“You were just a kid. Say it.” Smack.
“No!”
“Say it.” Smack. Smack. Smack.
“I WAS JUST A KID!”
“It wasn’t your fault.” Smack.
“IT WASN’T MY FAULT!”
“You were just a kid.” Smack.
“I WAS JUST A KID!”
“It wasn’t your fault.” Smack.
“IT WASN’T MY FAULT!”
“You were just a kid.” Smack.
“I was just a kid,” I cry.
It finally hits me what Vince is trying to do, and sobs burst from my chest, but Vince doesn’t stop with the whip.
It’s no longer that stinging pain. It’s spreading across me like waves, soothing my raw nerves, shutting up that part of my brain that keeps telling me I could have stopped Coach. Then I don’t feel anything.
I’m just floating.