Chapter 7
SEVEN
MOLLY
Josh follows me into the dimly lit bar, his hand resting on my lower back. I try not to notice how good it feels.
His lips brush the shell of my ear. “Registration’s that way.”
He guides me across the room to a small table tucked against the bar.
“Hello, Speedy Singles!” A preppy young woman beams at us. “I’m Loretta Nales, your host for tonight. You can call me Lolly.” She winks, for some inexplicable reason. “Names?”
“Oh, he isn’t joining,” I say, correcting her. “Just me.”
The woman’s gaze shifts to Josh, her red-painted lips curving into a predatory smile. “Are you sure you don’t want to join us? We’ve got a spare spot—someone dropped out last minute.”
Josh glances at me. I give him wide eyes, silently screaming hell no. He turns back to the woman. “Sounds good. Where do I sign up?”
She hands him a clipboard, winking again. “Fill out the questionnaire and add your banking details to the second page. We’re starting in ten minutes, so feel free to grab a drink and mingle beforehand.”
She turns away, welcoming her next victims.
Josh settles into the chair beside me, muttering as he scribbles answers.
“What the fuck kind of question is this?” he grumbles, tapping his pen against the paper. “Describe your perfect date? Ahlemna, what are you supposed to say besides ‘get laid’?”
I snort, nearly choking as the wine I’ve ordered burns my nostrils.
“What about this one?” He lifts the clipboard, reading aloud, “’If you were trapped on a deserted island, what three things would you take?’” He looks up at me. “As if you wouldn’t take something to get off the damn island.”
I point at him, yelling, “Exactly! That’s exactly what I put!”
He holds up a hand, and I slap it with a satisfying smack.
“That’s because we’re both sensible and made of awesome,” he says, glancing back at the clipboard and muttering, “Who writes this shit?”
I raise an eyebrow. “Why are you even doing this? Even I don’t want to subject myself to this farce, and I voluntarily signed up.”
Josh finishes writing and drops the clipboard on the bar, snagging his beer bottle. He takes a long drink, frowning as he considers my question.
“Molly, there’s something I need to tell you. It’s about—”
A foghorn blares, cutting him off. We both cringe, our heads snapping toward Lolly, who’s now standing on a chair in the middle of the bar.
“Welcome, Speedy Singles!” she yells, waving her hands like she’s commanding a ship.
“We’re about to get started! Those with green stickers on their name tags will sit at the tables.
Those with orange will move about the room.
” She points dramatically to the tables off to the side.
“Tonight is heterosexual-focused, but we’re equal-opportunity lovers here at Speedy Singles.
Just be polite, ask if your interest is willing to chat.
Who knows? Maybe you’ll find the love of your life!
” She winks again, and I’m beginning to wonder if it’s a twitch.
“We start in five minutes! If you don’t have your name tags, come see me.
Otherwise, when I hit the horn again, we’ll get started! Have fun speeding!”
People clap like she’s just announced the second coming of Christ.
I exchange a wide-eyed look with Josh. “Is this happening? Did we just join a cult?”
“Oh, yeah.” He sniggers. “Don’t even think about escaping. This is going to be amazing.”
I tilt my head, narrowing my eyes at him. “This is going in the rom-com, isn’t it?”
He lifts his beer, grinning at me over the lip. “For sure.”
“Damn.”
We make our way to Lolly and pick up our name tags. She winks again as we shuffle away. I’m starting to suspect she’s a serial killer—or at least some kind of sociopath. They wink a lot, right?
“Looks like I’m a table holder,” I say, tapping my green name tag.
Josh places the orange tag over his heart.
The horn blares again, silencing the crowd.
“Greens, take your seats. Oranges, muster over here. Let’s get speedy!”
Josh squeezes my shoulder before heading to the mustering area. I settle at a table between a woman who looks like a librarian and a man with an eyepatch.
I sigh. Looks like I’m last in line for the women.
“Hi, I’m Molly,” I say, leaning across to offer my hand to the woman.
She looks at my hand, sniffs. “And I’m Elena, your competition,” she declares.
I recoil, my hand curling back to my chest. “Oh, um… sorry. Good… hunting?”
She flicks her hair over her shoulder, ignoring me.
“Ignore her,” the man on my other side says. “She’s just salty because she’s been coming every night for a year.”
I turn to him, grateful for the reprieve. Mr. Eyepatch gives me a friendly smile.
“Syd,” he says, tapping his eyepatch. “Veteran just looking to get back into dating. Lost it to a pen, if you can believe it. Two tours, not a scratch. Back in the country for three months, and bam—random pen pops up and impales my eye. Makes for a great story, though.”
I nod, unsure how to respond.
A man scrapes out the chair on the other side of my table, sitting down just as the horn blares again. We both wince.
“You have six minutes, Speedy Singles! Begin!” Lolly shouts, pressing the horn again for good measure.
“Hey, I’m Jeremy.” He holds out a hand.
“Molly.” I shake it, offering a small smile.
We make small talk for several minutes, but the conversation runs dry quickly.
I smile awkwardly. He clears his throat, glancing around at the other tables. My gaze shifts to Elena’s table, where she’s telling her potential date about her job as a librarian.
“Oh, they brought notes. That’s cute.” I laugh, turning back to Jeremy just as he places a clipboard on the table.
I tilt my head. “Did I miss a memo?”
“No, it’s your answers.” He runs a finger down the page, stopping mid-way before looking up at me. “Says here you’re into dino erotica. What type of dino?”
I blink. “Excuse me?”
“Oh, of course. Sorry.” He pulls a piece of paper off the clipboard and hands it to me. I take it, too stunned to refuse. The words blur for a moment before I register what’s on it.
It’s the questionnaire. But instead of my answers, it has his.
“Oh my God,” I whisper, horrified.
“So, do you—”
“Look, Jesse, was it?” I cut him off.
He frowns, tapping his name tag. “Jeremy.”
“Right, Jeremy. Look, that paper isn’t me. I was drunk when I filled it out and thought it would be hilarious to send to a friend but accidentally submitted it instead and—” I stop, swallowing hard. “Let’s just say it’s not a great indication of what I actually want.”
He tilts his head, squinting slightly. “So, you don’t like dino erotica?”
A bubble of hysterical laughter rises before I can stop it. “No.”
His face falls.
Oh my God. Is dino erotica a thing? I THOUGHT I MADE IT UP! How is it a thing? Is it like furries? Wait, do I even want to know?
“That’s really disappointing because—”
The airhorn blares, cutting him off, followed by Lolly shouting, “Time! Swap around, Speedy Singles!”
Jeremy shuffles off toward the front of the line as the guy who had been talking to Elena sits down at my table. He places a clipboard on the table and slides his questionnaire toward me.
“So, you’re a fan of llamas?” he chuckles. “You know, I always thought the first L was an I. Used to call them ill-amas. Silly, huh?”
I force a smile.
This is going to be a long night.