Chapter 21
BERNADETTE
The lift pinged as Bernadette reached the floor of the elderly ward, but as the doors opened, she took in the quiet calm – so different from the Emergency Department she worked in every day.
Over the years, Bernadette had worked on many of the wards in this hospital, including a one-month stint to cover shortages on this one, so she knew exactly where she was going. First stop, the nursing station, and as she approached, she saw a familiar face.
‘Bernadette! You don’t usually come up this high. You’ll be getting a nosebleed.’
As soon as Bernadette saw who was taking care of Marge, she felt a wave of relief.
Keli Clark was one of the most exemplary nurses she’d ever worked with, and a close friend of Caleb and Stevie, her faves down in the Emergency Department.
Bernadette often joined the trio of pals in the cafe when they were all having lunch together.
‘I’m starting to feel dizzy already,’ Bernadette quipped. ‘But it’s worth it to see you, ma love.’
‘Stop! I’m trying to train myself to be immune to all kind words and flattery. It’s part of my training to help me stop picking terrible men.’
Bernadette’s laughter filled the corridor. ‘Good luck with that. I wish I’d taken that training course when I was your age. Would have saved me a whole lot of trouble.’
‘I hear you,’ Keli chuckled, and Bernadette wished she was just here for a blether, instead of a visit that was making her heart ache. Marge. The news about her health had been such a devastating shock.
‘Anyway, love, I’m risking the nosebleeds because I just met Estelle Drummond in the cafe and she let me know her mum was here and asking for me. Marge is an old friend. God, I feel awful. If I’d known she was here, I’d have been up to see her long before now.’
Keli nodded sympathetically. ‘Yes, she’s in room 4. I had no idea you knew her. She’s such a lovely lady. We’re really fond of her. And I’m sure she’ll be glad to see you. She doesn’t get a lot of visitors. Estelle, mainly.’
There was no one else within earshot, but still, Bernadette leaned forward, lowering her voice, ‘Estelle told me about her illness. How bad is it?’
Keli’s expression told her everything. ‘We’re moving her to palliative care tomorrow. I’m sorry, Bernie.’
Bernadette felt the punch of that in her stomach.
Madge was someone she’d known for half her life.
Someone she cared about. Someone who – over the last five years – she’d had a unique connection with.
They were part of each other’s story, and they didn’t need to see each other every week or month to know they cared about each other.
‘Thanks, Keli. Is it okay if I pop in now?’
‘Of course it is. If you need anything, just call for me.’
As Bernadette walked towards the door, she took a breath, prepared herself to react with nothing but a friendly smile, no matter how unwell Marge looked, but it wasn’t necessary because when she opened the door, she saw that Marge was fast asleep.
Sitting down beside her, Bernadette took in her friend’s appearance.
Marge’s soft grey hair was, as always, pulled back in a ballerina bun at the nape of her neck, but the lips that were always impeccably outlined in a pale pink lipstick were now bare, her cheeks sunken. Still beautiful, though. Still Marge.
As if she sensed her presence, Marge opened her eyes, and Bernadette reached for her hand, flashing her very best grin. ‘I believe you ordered a nurse, Marge?’
Marge immediately went with the joke. ‘I believe I did.’
Bernadette didn’t miss the hoarseness of her voice.
Marge had always been someone who could – when necessary – assert her authority with firmness, conviction and occasional terror.
Now that gusto was gone and Bernadette ached for her.
But she knew that sympathy and tears weren’t what Marge needed right now.
‘Och, Marge, you’ll go to some extremes to get out of our big annual meet-up. And it was your turn to buy the first round tonight.’
‘Ah, I’ll get it next year.’ As Marge managed a weak chuckle, Bernie saw a single droplet of water run down one cheek, before her smile turned to sadness and Marge whispered, ‘I should have called you sooner. Should have told you about the cancer. I’m sorry.’
Bernadette squeezed her hand gently. ‘Don’t apologise, Marge. I just wish I’d known so I could be here for you.’
‘I thought I’d be okay. Thought I’d beat it. I didn’t know how bad it was going to get until we got here.’
‘I understand,’ Bernadette said softly. ‘How’s Estelle holding up? I met her downstairs. She’s lovely, Marge. You must be so proud of her.’
‘I am. But, you know, I think it’s time to tell her, Bernadette. We’ve held on to this for long enough.’
Marge didn’t need to explain what she was talking about because Bernadette knew it could only be one thing – the story Marge had entrusted her with back at Kenneth’s funeral five years ago.
The story of Estelle’s birth. Of the man who had fathered Marge’s gorgeous girl.
Down in the canteen, Bernadette had seen the resemblance.
Now Marge was telling her that it was time to release the secret her friend had kept for thirty-five years, and the one she’d found the strength to share with Bernadette that day, surrounded by people pretending to mourn her late husband.
For the next few slow, pained moments, she listened as Marge found her voice for long enough to tell her what she wanted her to do.
When she was done, Bernadette leaned towards her, still holding on to her friend’s hand, her heart breaking for her, for Estelle, for the inevitable devastation that was about to come.
‘Marge, I’ll do anything you ask of me. But are you sure?’
Marge nodded slowly. ‘I am.’
Bernadette nodded. She had no idea if this was the right decision, but her feelings weren’t important here – all that mattered were Marge’s wishes.
‘Okay, my love. Leave it with me – I’ll work it out and come back tomorrow.
The nurse, Keli, told me you’re moving downstairs, so I’ll come find you.
And don’t worry, Marge, we’ll be here for you. For you both.’
A second drop of water ran down Marge’s cheek and Bernadette gently wiped it away. Before she could say any more, the door opened behind her and Estelle came in, so Bernadette immediately shifted her energy back to cheeriness.
‘Well, Marge, I need to get off. I have a meeting I need to go to and, apparently, I’m now buying the first round.’
As Marge smiled, Bernadette shifted the conversation to Estelle.
‘Now that I’ve found your mum here, you won’t get rid of me. I’ve promised I’ll be back tomorrow. Will you be here, Estelle? It would be lovely to get to know you. You’re not far off the age of my daughter, Nina. I think she’d like to meet you too.’
As Estelle smiled, Bernadette thought how much she looked like Marge too. The lass was a definite mix of both her parents. ‘Yes, I’ll be here. And I’d like that very much.’
As she hugged both of them, Bernadette knew she didn’t have to repeat the words she’d said earlier, because Marge would feel it.
Don’t worry, Marge. We’ve got you.
All the way down in the lift, Bernadette’s eyes were closed, thinking through Marge’s request, realising that this was going to be one of those pivotal moments where a life would change. Bernadette just hoped Estelle had her mother’s strength.
By the time she got back to the ED, Bernadette saw that the normal Saturday night madness was beginning to ramp up, the whiteboard was filling up, and the noise was a few decibels louder than when she’d left.
She quickly dipped into the nursing bay and opened the staff drawer to retrieve her phone.
The screen was stacked with notifications.
The first two were from a couple of the other women who were meant to be meeting them tonight – Danielle Strang and Annabel Stevens. Bernadette opened Danielle’s first.
Just realised the date! So sorry – in Turks and Caicos with new man. Bliss! You ladies have a drink for me. Kisses! Xxx
Much as she’d miss her presence tonight, that made Bernadette grin. Danielle used to be a globe-trotting model in her bygone days, and she was always up for both romance and travel. It seemed she’d found both. Good for her.
The second one, from Annabel Stevenson, the esteemed Member of the Scottish Parliament, had slightly less joy.
Late vote in the house tonight. Incompetent eejits. Raincheck.
Last year there had been six of them at their meeting. Tonight, there would be three. But that was enough for what Bernadette needed to do.
The next text was from Stuart and Bernadette felt a twinge of happiness that her son had finally got back to her.
Sorry I missed your call this morning. All good here. See you tomorrow. Love you! xx
Her shoulders rose just a little higher. She had no doubt that, in years to come, he and Nina could be in their sixties, and eighty-odd-year-old Bernadette would still feel a tingle of relief every time she got a happy text from them.
And finally, finally, a text from Jack. The Hallelujah Chorus struck up in her head.
Sorry Bernie. Slammed today. See you tomorrow love.
He wasn’t a man for xxxx’s or emojis. Still, at least he’d finally answered.
But was this enough? Could she really carry on conducting most of their relationship by text?
No. She wanted more. But the thing that had been her most important thought this morning, the question of her future, of building a more permanent life with Jack, was now only the second most crucial thing on her mind because she had a more pressing situation to worry about right now.
Marge. Estelle. She supposed she’d always known this day would come but…
The thought was interrupted by a nudge on the shoulder from Caleb. ‘Hey, I thought you’d gone?’
‘Came back for my phone,’ she said, waving it as proof. ‘I just saw Keli up in Elderly – had to pop up to visit an old pal who’s been admitted.’
Caleb must have caught something in her voice. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I am.’ Was she? She was devastated about Marge’s illness and worried for the challenges Estelle was going to have to face.
She had doubts over what her future held with Jack.
And she was dreading the news she was going to have to share at tonight’s gathering.
‘I think I just got a reminder that life’s too short.
’ No, she wasn’t okay. There was a surge of anxiety spreading from her core to her finger tips and toes, but she shook it off.
This wasn’t the time or place to indulge her own feelings.
‘Anyway, before I go…’ Her gaze went to the whiteboard. ‘Murray Atkins?’
‘Consultant is being super-cautious and has just told him that he has a serious concussion and we want to keep him in overnight for observation. At which point, today’s favourite patient, and I say that with as much sarcasm as my soul possesses, lost his shit and is currently discharging himself.
Says we’ve wasted his day. Another highlight of job satisfaction in the ED.
Luckily, I get my joy from food, sleep and being gorgeous. ’
Bernadette chuckled. ‘Well, remember I’m off tomorrow and, much as I love you, don’t dare call me.’
‘Not a chance – I’m off tomorrow too. Right, I’ve got an enema in bay 13, then I’m gone.’
Bernadette also took the moment to flee, all too aware that if she stood still, there was every chance she’d get roped into helping with some new emergency or drama. And all too aware that she could never say no.
Moving quickly, she nipped into the changing rooms and threw her clothes back on.
The black trousers and polo-neck sweater weren’t what she’d planned to wear tonight, but there was no time to go home now, so they would have to do.
She fluffed in a bit of dry shampoo, sprayed some deodorant, popped a mint, applied some lippy and was ready in ten minutes.
The cold air slammed into her as she walked outside. It was already dark, and she was about to put her head down and speed to the car when she saw a tiny orange light, a cigarette, someone holding it, standing in the shadow to the left of her.
Bernadette could see just enough to recognise the face, so she stopped. Approached. Listened as the other woman spoke first.
‘I bet you’re loving this,’ Lila Atkins drawled, with the bitterness Bernadette had come to expect from her.
Bernadette shook her head. ‘Not at all.’ She took a step to walk on, knowing that she was the last person that her ex-husband’s former mistress wanted to speak to, but then kindness and experience got the best of her and she stopped.
‘You know, Lila, I’m sorry this happened to you. Truly. No one deserves it.’
Lila shrugged it off. ‘I knew what I was getting into.’
Bernadette wasn’t ready to let go. ‘Look, I need to go. But if you ever want to grab a coffee and talk about this or anything else…’
Lila’s head whipped around as if she’d been slapped. ‘So you can pity me? Nah, I’m fine, thanks. Do you know how pathetic that is? You think you of all people get to feel sorry for me? No. No, you don’t.’
Jesus, this woman would try the patience of a saint.
‘I don’t feel sorry for you, but I think what happened with Murray this morning couldn’t have been easy.’
Lila was well and truly on the defensive now. ‘That’s the thing you don’t understand. I’m not the victim here. I have the house I want. The car I want. The life I want. If infidelity was a deal breaker, I’d have married a priest. Murray and I knew what we got when we married each other.’
Actually, maybe Bernadette did feel a twinge of sympathy. And perhaps empathy too. Hadn’t she also been in a marriage that was missing the most important things in a relationship?
‘And what about love? Happiness? What about waking up and feeling like you’ve got the best life?’
‘Didn’t you hear me? I do have the best life. And I’d rather have what I’ve got, than a hellish existence stuck in there all day,’ she gestured to the hospital doors.
There were many things that Bernadette had learned in life.
That no one is perfect. That people make mistakes.
That the worst could happen when it was least expected.
And the best too. And also, that some people were just complete knobs and lost causes.
Bernadette could give Lila a full spiel on how material things didn’t buy happiness, but what was the point?
There was no helping someone who had no soul, no conscience and no moral compass.
‘You do you, Lila. Good luck with that.’
And off she went to meet good women who weren’t perfect. Who had made those mistakes. But who remembered what it was to have a heart.