Chapter 31
AMBER
Numb.
Just numb.
Amber put the three cups of coffee from the vending machine on the table in the deserted cafe, feeling like she was moving inside a bubble where there was no air and nothing could touch her – and she was glad of it because she knew the wave of grief that was sitting just outside the shell would drown her.
And that was nothing compared to the pain her friend must be feeling right now.
Exhaustion and sorrow were etched on Estelle’s face and weariness was pressing down on her shoulders, as she stared at the table, so deep in thought that she didn’t even realise that Amber had returned until she touched her friend’s hand.
‘How are you doing there, hon? Sorry. That might be the most stupid question I’ve ever asked.’
Estelle was saved from having to answer by the arrival of Bernadette, who had stayed behind up on the ward for a few minutes longer to speak to Keli.
She sat down now and Amber pushed the third cup towards her.
Bernadette smiled kindly and it struck Amber that other than a brief glimpse at a funeral, she’d never met this woman before this morning and yet now she’d be such a huge and comforting part of her story every time she thought back on today.
After Marge had died… Amber paused that thought, waiting for the pain from the punch to her gut to pass…
Bernadette had taken care of them, sat with them, gently guided them through the next hour, and Amber would always be grateful for that care.
She was grateful too that Estelle hadn’t been alone, as Amber knew she’d been for weeks now.
It was almost as if Marge waited until Estelle would have people there to take care of her.
It was just the kind of thing she’d do for the daughter she loved so much.
Amber watched now as Bernadette handed a white bag, about the size of a normal shopping bag, and a small box over to Estelle.
‘Here you go, love. Your mum’s jewellery is in the box, and her handbag and shawl are in the bag. Keli will keep the rest of her personal effects safe and you can collect them when you’re ready. Or I can bring them back to you. Whatever you want to do…’
‘Thanks, Bernadette. My mum would be so thankful that you were there. I am too.’
The three of them sat with their own thoughts for a moment, before Estelle reached for the small box and opened it. Amber saw that inside was a fine gold chain and a simple gold band.
A tear dropped from Estelle’s face on to the table as she slid the ring onto her own finger. ‘You know, she never wore an engagement ring. I asked her once and she said that she had no need for it. That this was enough to remind her that she had everything.’
Amber and Bernadette stayed silent, letting Estelle work through her thoughts.
Estelle gently rubbed the thin piece of gold.
‘I’ve heard people say this before and I didn’t believe it, but in a way, I’m glad she didn’t have to live like that any longer.
She found it so difficult that she’d lost her independence and had to rely on others.
She’d never complain, but I know she must have hated it. ’
‘Sometimes people are ready,’ Bernadette said gently.
‘I think that’s it,’ Estelle agreed. ‘She was ready. And I know I sound like those sympathy cards or Instagram reels, but I honestly think she’s in a better place. With my dad. The one I loved – not the other one.’
Her half-smile when she said that made Amber ache for her. ‘He’s the only one that matters.’
Estelle nodded. ‘He is. I’ve always wondered…
Actually, not wondered – I’ve always known that he left that letter for me deliberately.
My dad wasn’t a man who was careless with anything.
To keep a copy of that letter in his desk…
I think it was because he knew that if anything ever happened to him, I would find it there.
I always thought it was his way of sparing Mum from having to tell me because he probably knew that it would be too hard for her to have that conversation.
And he was right. I think he was looking out for me, even then.
And now. Looking out for both me and Mum. ’
‘I think so,’ Amber agreed. ‘And you’ve got us too, Estelle. Do you want to come back to my place tonight? Stay over and let me take care of you?’
‘Thank you…’ Then she shook her head. ‘But I called Craig from the ward, after Mum…’ A pause.
She didn’t have to say the word. ‘…And he’s on his way back from Edinburgh.
He’ll be home any time now so I’m going to go be with him.
I’ve been at this hospital for so long that I just need to be in my own kitchen and in my own bed. ’
‘Then why don’t I give you a lift home?’ Bernadette offered. ‘I don’t want you to be driving. Not right now. And what about you, Amber? Did you drive here?’
Amber thought back to Wiki Taxi Driver, who was probably still out there, educating the unsuspecting passengers of Glasgow. ‘No, I got a taxi. I’ll call another one now.’
‘Let me take you too,’ Bernadette said kindly. Amber was about to object when she added, ‘I think we could all do with the company for a little bit longer.’
A few minutes later, when they all got into Bernadette’s car, Amber knew she’d been right.
Going their separate ways would have felt too cold, too lonely.
She’d seen so many scenes in television shows and movies that showed the end of someone’s life, but it always cut before the next bit.
This bit. When it was done and all that was left was shock and disbelief, and all the logistics of what to do next.
The dark roads were quiet as they travelled, swapping stories about Marge, moving between tears and sadness and laughter too.
They reached Estelle’s house first, and as they pulled up to the old Georgian townhouse, a light went on in the hallway, then the door opened and Craig was there, standing in the doorway, waiting for her.
Amber got out, opened Estelle’s door, waited for her to say her goodbyes to Bernadette. When Estelle climbed out, Amber wrapped her arms around her, the air gone from her lungs as she whispered, ‘I’m so sorry. For everything.’
‘Please don’t be,’ Estelle said, holding her tight. ‘I really think that somehow my mum brought you back to me. She was so happy that you were there. Will you come over tomorrow? Help me with what comes next?’
‘I wouldn’t be anywhere else,’ Amber promised, letting her go, then watching as she went up the path into Craig’s arms. Amber raised her hand, and he did the same, letting them know that it was okay for them to go. He had her.
He had her.
Amber climbed back into the car, this time sitting in the front seat that Estelle had just left.
‘Where to next?’ Bernadette asked.
Amber gestured to the screen on Bernadette’s dashboard. ‘Shall I put it into the satnav?’
‘I’m old school – just point me in the general direction.’
‘If you just turn back on to Great Western Road,’ she said, naming the main road nearby that stretched through the West End of the city, ‘and head towards Hyndland Road, I’ll direct you from there. And thanks for this, Bernadette.’
‘It’s no bother at all. How are you holding up there, love?’ Bernadette asked as they pulled away from the kerb.
‘Honestly, Bernadette, I have no idea. I’m devastated about Marge, worried about Estelle, and so incredibly thankful that I was with her tonight. What about you?’
Bernadette’s soft chuckle was full of understanding. ‘About the same.’
Amber exhaled, let her shoulders fall back on the seat. ‘How do you deal with it all, Bernadette? In your job, you must see so much death, and pain, and heartache and terrible things. How do you manage to be happy when you see all that every day?’
Bernadette was still staring straight ahead, eyes on the road as she spoke.
‘Because I see all the good things too. I see how much people care for each other. How scared they are when something is wrong, and then how relieved they are when we help. Every single day I see people realising how much they love someone, or getting a reality check that makes them remember what’s important.
I see parents who would do anything for their kids, and adults who want nothing more than for their elderly parents to be okay.
I see all the goodness too… Although there was none of that with the bloke you came in with today, right enough,’ she added, with a teasing dig that made Amber groan.
‘I have no idea what you’re talking about. I refuse to ever speak of it again.’
‘That’s probably wise, pet,’ Bernadette agreed, before going back to her point.
‘But then look at tonight. Look at the love between Marge and Estelle. I see that kind of care every day and, in my mind, that balances all the bad stuff out. Because at the end of the day, it’s just the people we love that matter. ’
‘Oh, Jesus, Bernadette, I really wish I’d written that down.’
That made them both laugh, even as Amber replayed it in her mind.
It’s just the people we love that matter.
‘You’ll have to direct me from here,’ Bernadette said, as she turned the car onto Hyndland Road.
It’s just the people we love that matter.
It was like a mantra, on repeat in her head, and Amber realised that was maybe because she had to hear it a few more times to get the message.
It’s just the people we love that matter.
‘If you could just turn left here, please,’ she said, directing Bernadette down a side street, deserted except for two females, walking along the road, both laughing, one of the young women carrying her shoes with her free hand, despite the fact that it was probably minus two degrees outside, the other carrying what looked like a large white tray of chips.
Just another Saturday night in February and Amber loved the sight of it.
‘That used to be us,’ Amber said, a memory popping into her head. ‘Estelle would be the one in sensible shoes and I’d be the one with the blisters, carrying my heels. And Marge would wait up for us, and roll her eyes when she saw me.’
It’s just the people we love that matter.
Amber wondered if Marge was watching her now, rolling her eyes.
‘Just left here, Bernadette,’ she said suddenly, realising where she was. ‘The house with the blue door.’
Bernadette pulled into the space outside and Amber reached over to hug her.
‘Thank you. For everything.’
‘You’re welcome, pet. Now on you go and get home.’
Amber let her go, climbed out, waved as she pulled away, and then stood for a moment, breathing in the cold air.
It’s just the people we love that matter.
She walked up the path, but instead of pulling keys out of her bag, she knocked the door, not too loudly, so she wouldn’t wake anyone inside that was sleeping.
No answer.
She was about to knock again when she heard footsteps, then the door opened and she met the eyes of the guy who was standing there.
‘Hey.’
‘Hey.’
‘I was wondering if you still had space on that couch for me?’