5. Daphne
5
DAPHNE
I don’t expect Luke to confide in me, but he does.
He doesn’t even protest.
Good thing dinner’s ready and I can sit down, pretending that my meal has my undivided attention. There’s something about having him in my house, about him filling this space— my space—that is disconcerting. It’s more unsettling that he seems to belong here, but that’s just me making excuses for enjoying his presence.
(Fact: I have been single too long.)
Luke even matches. Black hair, blue eyes, T-shirt the same colour as the bookcase in my living room. I could have chosen him to coordinate with my décor, which makes me smother a smile. If I picked Luke, it wouldn’t be because he looked good in my kitchen.
But I’m not choosing Luke.
“I’ll trade you,” he says and I look up to find him watching me. “My story for yours.”
“I don’t have a story to tell.”
“Sure, you do, Daph. You said you knew what it was like to regret something. If I tell you what I regret, it’s only fair that you do the same.”
It’s too reasonable an idea for me to argue, or I’m too agitated to think straight. Having Luke lean close like there’s no one else in the world but me makes me feel , and that eliminates any clear thinking I might otherwise do.
Feeling is such a big mistake.
Feeling leads me down unreliable roads.
The only thing worse than feeling is letting emotion rule your choices.
“Deal,” I say, just to make him look away. “But you first. I’m eating.”
“And it looks good.” He turns on the stool, just as I’d hoped, seeming to check out my place. I already know the new Luke well enough to realize that he’s composing his confession. He flicks me a quick look as if he’s heard that thought. “I want to do it right this time,” he says. “After botching the story earlier.”
“You didn’t botch it.”
“I could have made a more coherent and compelling argument.”
He’s annoyed with himself, as I might have been, and that makes me wonder what threw his game. Is it possible that he was unable to concentrate because of me?
No. That’s crazy. This man has seduced so many women that I can’t believe my gender matters. Maybe he felt too strongly about the plan.
Maybe he really hated being back in Empire, challenging his dad all over again.
That I can believe.
“It all comes back to Taylor,” he muses, his voice low. “The way he was, as opposed to the way I am.” He spins to face me, his eyes a vivid blue. “Taylor trusted everybody, because he saw the good in everybody. He used to say that the world gives you what you expect of it, and that if you expect good things, you’ll get good things.”
Luke smiles and shakes his head. “Oh, we used to argue about that. I told him it was crap, that the world gives you whatever it’s dishing out, regardless of your perspective. He believed there was a rhyme and reason to everything, that each choice we make brings us closer to our destiny. And he was sure it was all good.” He falls silent then, staring across my living room, maybe out the front window to the quiet street beyond.
“That’s kind of tough to reconcile with his sudden death,” I say because it seems as if he won’t say more.
“No. No, it’s not. Taylor never indulged too much. He was a pretty strict vegetarian, and he only drank the occasional beer. If we went to a party, he insisted it was about the company and the energy. He always wanted his experience to be honest. That was a big word for him. Honest.”
“Sounds like he grew up in a commune.”
“His grandparents are very…groovy.” Luke grins. “Taylor was raised by them while his folks worked, and they had a great relationship. Very kind and mutually supportive of both Taylor and his younger brother.” He nods and I see a shadow of regret, maybe that he didn’t have a similar upbringing. “My point is there’s a lot of indulgence when you’re in a band. You play in bars at first, so there’s alcohol, and people are always offering you stuff. But that wasn’t for Taylor. He would smoke a joint once in a while, but even that was a rare thing. I maybe saw him do it twice in the years we knew each other. And we were in each other’s pockets when we toured. Taylor and I shared one bus, and Brent and Zach shared the other.”
I know he’s referring to the bass player and the drummer in the band. I nod. “Bus?” I ask, giving him a way to talk about something easier.
Luke braces his elbows on the counter. “That goes back to our first tour. We had a manager then, and he booked us into hotels at each venue. We toured and we partied, we had room service and five-star accommodations, and we had a great time?—”
“Even Taylor who got high on the company, if nothing else.”
He nods and I see that these are happy memories. “Even Taylor. And when it was all tallied up at the end and the manager took his cut, we owed money. Eight months on the road, playing to sold-out crowds, and we were in the hole.” Luke shakes his head, still incredulous. “There was a lot of fast talk, but I knew it was garbage. The manager bought himself a red Ferrari.”
“Big clue there.”
“Exactly. We kicked him to the curb and I dug into the math while we recorded a new album. When we went on tour next time, we had two custom buses for the band and the crew stayed in lower key accommodations. A couple of them bought RVs instead. We all wanted to be healthier, so we had a PA who shopped for us and we cooked every night, instead of ordering in. We even wrote some songs on that tour, almost a whole album because we were hanging out together, and ka-ching, we made good money. We had a new formula and even though the tours got bigger, the system kept working.”
“Not so many parties then.”
“But always one after the last show of the tour to wrap it up. Kind of a celebration. At the end of our last tour, though, Taylor and I had a fight. We never fought, but that day, we really got into it. Maybe we were just tired. It was a long tour. Maybe we were fed up with living so close to each other. Doesn’t really matter.” Luke frowns and shakes his head. “I know I said things I shouldn’t have, but I was furious when he said I was like my dad.”
“Maybe he thought he shouldn’t have said that.”
“Maybe. But we parted badly, and the rehearsal and sound check was awkward, and I don’t think we played our best that night. The balance between Taylor and I was compromised. I like to end the tour on a high note, and I was angry enough to blame him. I just left with the chick from the last song.” He shakes his head. “Don’t give me that look, Daph. I got her a cab and said goodnight outside the stadium. I was that mad. I went back to the bus, but Taylor had gone to the party.”
“Maybe he expected to find you there.”
“Maybe. Maybe he needed to let off some steam. At any rate, I stayed on the bus alone. And meanwhile, someone offered him a joint and he took it, trusting in the goodness of the world.” Luke levels a look at me.
“I don’t understand.” How bad could one joint be?
“The pot was cut with meth and some other garbage too. He went into cardiac arrest and died before anyone realized what was happening.” Luke snapped his fingers. “Just like that, he was gone. They came and knocked on the door of the bus, and I couldn’t believe it.”
I put down my fork, horrified.
“When I heard the story, I knew it was my fault.”
“You can’t blame…”
“I can blame myself, Daph, because I was the one who distrusted everybody. Whenever Taylor wanted a joint, I got it for him. I made sure the dealer was reputable and that everything was on the up-and-up. I would never have even taken a gift from someone I didn’t know and trust, because the dealers who give the stuff away are the ones who slide a little bonus in to get you hooked. It’s a plan to build their client list. But I wasn’t there, because I was angry that he told me the truth, and because I wasn’t there and because he trusted everyone, he died.” Luke looks away, his throat working. “I wasn’t even there to see that it was going sideways and intervene. I let him down. He was my best friend, and because I was too much of a loser to tolerate the truth, he died.” He shakes his head and stands, restless with his agitation. “I will never forgive myself for that.”
I don’t know what to say.
He pushes a hand through his hair and takes a quick breath. I gesture to the wine bottle, but he shakes his head.
“That won’t help. I’ve tried.”
He walks the length of my house and back, bristling with pent-up energy, anger that he doesn’t know how to dissipate, and stops in front of my bookshelf. “I like this,” he says, nodding at it with approval. “It looks really good here.”
“Thanks. I knew when I saw it that I had to have it.”
“Instinct,” Luke agrees. “You just recognize truths, even when it’s just the right bookcase, and you need to follow on them.” He spins to face me. “I knew Taylor was right, even when I was furious with him.”
“Maybe that’s why you were furious with him.”
“Probably,” he cedes. “And I’m here because I had to act on that. I had to find the prime mover that made everything go sideways, but for the longest time, I didn’t know what it was. Not until I saw Sylvia. I knew that the universe was giving me a chance to fix what I’d screwed up—which sounds like the kind of stuff Taylor used to say, but I believe it now.”
“Maybe Taylor was giving you a mission.”
“Maybe.” I can see that he likes that idea. “But I know I have to do it. I’ve no idea whether it’s going to work. Maybe Meredith can’t make the diner profitable. Maybe Sylvia doesn’t want to come back here, no matter what’s in the offing.” He raises his hands. “But I have to try. I feel like he’s counting on me.”
His urgency is impossible to miss. “I can probably drive to Toronto Thursday, if you want me to present the idea to this Meredith MacRae.”
“Yes,” he says immediately and emphatically.
“You can think about it,” I say, my tone teasing.
“I don’t have to.”
Right. He’s in a hurry to solve this and leave town.
“You’ll need to tell me where to find her, and I’ll need you to sign off on the offer for her. I can draw it up tonight and print it at the office in the morning.” I think for a minute. “Maybe Dad will let me borrow his car.”
“What’s wrong with yours?”
I pretend to balance things in my hands. “Renovate the house I just bought or buy a new car. Since I don’t drive far and I eat daily, the kitchen won.”
He casts a look over it. “It’s a great kitchen. I like the tiles.”
“Me, too.” I smile at him. “I brought them back from Mexico a few years ago. They were intended for a different kitchen, but they look better here.”
“You were going to buy a different place?” He slides back onto the stool.
“I was going to move into a different place, then put my mark on it.”
His eyes narrow to blue slits. “What does that mean?”
“It means I said yes to the dress, then he said no to me.” It’s surprisingly easy to confess, but maybe that’s the wine.
Luke is staring at me—and really, I’m kind of shocked, too.
I never talk about Justin.
I’m so over Justin.
But I realize in this moment that not talking about him is as bad as talking incessantly about him.
So, I toss out some more truth. “That’s what I’m doing back in Empire. I wasn’t ready to keep working with the jackhole I’d thought I was going to marry, and see him every day at the office, not after I knew he had been screwing around on me; and subsequently was going to marry her instead. She can buy her own tiles to update the kitchen in his house.”
Luke looks across the room and back again, visibly composing his reply. “You can’t regret not marrying such a jerk.”
“No, but I can regret that I ignored all the little signs I saw along the way. I can regret being gullible, and believing all the ridiculous explanations that made no sense at all.” I take my plate to the sink and scrub it clean with vicious gestures, my voice dropping low. “I can regret being stupid and putting my trust where it didn’t belong.” The plate is cleaner than it’s ever been when I put it in the rack, and my utensils follow it quickly. I halfway wish I had the pots and pans from a turkey dinner to scrub, because I don’t like having nothing more to do.
On the other hand, it felt good to say it out loud. I am over Justin. My anger is with myself. He lied, absolutely, but I chose to believe him despite my own observations.
“Maybe you’re more like Taylor than I’d thought,” Luke says and I realize he’s right behind me. He’s not touching me but I can feel the heat of his body, close, so close, and I’m tempted to just lean back. I know he’ll catch me. I doubt I’ll regret whatever happens next.
But that’s because no one’s going to make any pretty promises.
Maybe that’s because I know what and who he is, what he does, what he will do—and I still find him incredibly attractive.
And maybe, maybe a little something for right now is what I need today. More than a future or a promise, much more than a lie, just something honest exchanged in the moment.
Mutual solace.
The idea has resonance, like it’s the perfect notion at the perfect time. Looking for forever with your one true love is all good. But maybe along the way, you just need to be appreciated a little. Maybe a little physical satisfaction without expectations has its place.
I spin and meet his gaze, quick enough that I catch the admiration in his eyes. He’s been looking and he seems startled that I saw.
He almost smiles. “Caught.” He looks guilty and wicked, not apologetic at all. “Sorry, not sorry.”
“You’re not the only one,” I admit, watching surprise light his eyes.
They darken then, his lashes sweeping down to hide his thoughts as the corner of his mouth lifts, just a little. My heart skips a beat then takes off at a run. “Aren’t I?” he murmurs, a low purr that is the sexiest sound I’ve heard in a while.
“Not even close.”
His smile widens a little and his eyes gleam. “Aren’t you full of surprises, Daph?” he says in that deep rumble and doesn’t move.
He’s waiting for me to make the first move.
Is there anything better?
And that’s when I remember Justin, telling me that something I’ve done without thinking is the sexiest thing he’s ever seen.
On impulse, I do it, but it’s not about catching Justin’s attention.
Not this time.
I watch Luke as I part my lips slightly and slide the tip of my tongue across my bottom lip, very, very slowly. He seems to be frozen in place, his gaze locked on my mouth. I’m not even sure he’s breathing before I see him inhale sharply, then his gaze flicks to mine, checking that I’m not putting him on.
His eyes are brilliant blue, his voice deeper than the ocean.
“Careful what you wish for, Daph,” he warns, but I don’t need to be warned off the one thing I want. In this moment, I want a kiss, and I want it with all my heart and soul.
I want it from Luke.
So, I slide my tongue back the other way, counting on not having a chance to do it a third time.
I’m oh-so-very right on that.