Chapter 20 #2
She said, sitting back with a sigh, “You’re sinning again.”
“Yeh. One beer last night, and ABs training starting tomorrow. I’ll be packing for Welly tonight, and it’ll be discipline all the way through the middle of September, when we’ll have a wee break. It’s a brutal schedule this year.”
“Is it harder?” she asked, taking another sip of the fizzy golden stuff and practically feeling the bubbles in her veins.
There was a bit of caramel in there, some sweet toastiness along with the fruit, and it was lovely.
“Playing that hard when you’re not in your twenties anymore?
I don’t know much about elite athletes, but it seems like it would be harder. ”
He looked out at the water, considering, and she said, “I like that about you, by the way. The way you think before you speak. Unless I was just incredibly insulting, insinuating that you can’t keep up, and you’re being disapprovingly silent.”
He laughed out loud and picked up her hand.
“No. I don’t think you know how to be insulting.
I like the way you talk to kids, if we’re sharing.
And to me, except when you’re telling me you don’t want me.
” He rubbed his thumb over the backs of her fingers—how did that feel so good?
—and without waiting for her to answer, said, “You’re right.
I don’t heal any slower, so that’s not it.
Can’t be a slow healer and make it at the top level, and I’m a pretty tough specimen.
It’s more that I can’t lose my discipline without feeling it.
The young boys can go out on the razzle and turn up to training the next day not much the worse.
Me, not so much. I’ve got to get to bed on time and get my sleep, and eat right, too.
Your dinner today was perfect, by the way.
That’s why I wasn’t on the piss last night, though.
That, and it’s also got a bit boring. I’ve been in too many bars in too many cities, probably. ”
“And yet here we are,” she said, teasing again.
“Ah. But I’m here with you this time, not my ugly brothers.
” They both smiled at that, and he let go of her hand, which was sad.
“And here’s where I tell you that I’d like you and the kids to come to Wellington, if you’d like to.
One week, two weeks, three weeks … whatever you think.
I won’t be there much, like I said, but when I am? I’d like you to be there.”
She didn’t answer for a minute, then said, “It feels … awkward. I’m not sure how your kids really feel about it, for one thing, and I’m going to come out and say that I can’t afford all those places they talked about.
Te Papa’s free for Kiwis, I know, but the others aren’t.
The airfare would be more than I’d planned for, but I could manage it.
Anything else, though? No. And that was hard for me to say, so you know. I’m a bit—"
She stopped, and he said, “A bit proud, maybe.”
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” She took another sip of champagne, then put the glass down, hugged her knees, and looked out at the water as if there’d be answers there.
“A bit afraid. I’m going to say it. A bit afraid to count on somebody like that and then …
dunno. Have it used against me? I’ve counted on Granddad, but I thought—” She stopped again.
“You thought,” he said, “that you were doing him a favor as well. As he was lonely.”
“Yes.” She couldn’t look at him. She hadn’t even let herself think all this.
“And now I wonder if he’s resented it. Resented me.
It’s just—it’s easier if I know I can do it myself.
That I’ve got my budget, and if I stick to it, we’ll be OK.
And … and everything else. That I don’t have to depend on anybody else.
On somebody who might not be there tomorrow.
” She wanted to curl up into a ball. She couldn’t, so she tugged at a curl instead and sought refuge in the champagne flute. It didn’t quite work.
“I’ve never heard you mention your parents,” he said.
“Ah. My parents. They were fine growing up—well, they were OK growing up—but I got pregnant my last year of uni. By one of my professors, so you know. Worst decision of my life. My parents were strict, so I hadn’t dated much, but—well, anyway, that’s no excuse.
It was quite a scandal, unfortunately. It’s not allowed, you know, sleeping with your students, and I was pretty stupid.
Pretty na?ve. I thought it was love. That I was in a romance novel. ”
“And you weren’t. He’d done it before, I’m guessing, and more than once.”
She never talked about this, and here she was, telling him?
Why? “Yes,” she said, because what choice did she have, now she’d started?
“And when I fell pregnant, he—it got ugly. He was so angry that I hadn’t used birth control, that I hadn’t handled it, and I thought he had a right to be.
Other people had suspected too, it turned out.
Hanging around after class the way I did …
all the stupid things girls do. It got to the dean, and he—the man—he lost his position, and that was another scandal.
He was popular. Charming. Witty. Clever.
And, of course, older. Which is no excuse.
And then, eventually, I had to tell my parents.
I didn’t know what else to do. And that was worse. ”
“You were twenty,” he said. “Twenty-one. Something like that.”
“Twenty. Twenty-one when Finlay was born. It wasn’t just that he was older, though.
He was also married. It really was bad. Everyone liked him, he was a rising star, and I was seen as—well, it felt like that book.
The Scarlet Letter. There I was, with my belly and my shame.
It was pretty hard to finish my diploma.
The dumbest thing I ever did, and then the hardest thing I ever did. ”
“How was that your shame? You were vulnerable. That’s why it isn’t allowed.”
“Oh, I knew what I was doing. Sleeping with a married man who never quite said he loved me, that’s what I was doing.
Expecting him to leave his wife and kids for me.
Wanting him to do that. It wasn’t my most shining moment.
Pretty awful, if you want to know the truth.
I’d been stupid, but worse, I’d been wrong. I’d done wrong.”
“Mm,” Zane said. “Of course, heaps of us have done wrong. We just haven’t necessarily been found out.”
“Well, when you are, it’s scarring. At least it was for me.”
“And your parents?”
“Ah. Well. Yeh. They’re pretty religious. Christian. They wouldn’t have me back.” Now she really wanted to curl into a ball.
He frowned. “Tossing out your kid for a mistake, even a bad one, doesn’t seem Christian to me. My parents are churchgoers too. They haven’t chucked any of us out yet, and we’ve probably done worse. Isn’t there something about casting the first stone?”
“I know. I know what you’re saying. But they didn’t turn their backs on me.
They did as much as their principles would allow.
A loan to get a place to live, a car. I was still pregnant then, and I was …
” She swallowed. “I was terrified. I got some maintenance from the father once Finlay was born—not much, as he’d been sacked for misconduct and had to take a different job—but before that—” She stopped.
He had her hand again. “Your granddad helped, I’m guessing.” He didn’t sound accusing, or even disappointed. He sounded matter-of-fact. Like, maybe, somebody who had made his own mistakes. Or maybe that was wishful thinking too.
“My grandparents,” she said. “They broke with Mum over it, in fact. They’re her parents, but they were on my side all the way.
Never very happy about her following my dad into his church, I suspect, but it’s not something we talk about.
But, yeh, they were there. Gran even went to the childbirth classes with me.
She was such a rock, even sitting on the floor for the exercises.
How she joked about that, saying that I’d better keep myself strong, because she’d never be able to pull me up off the ground by the end, and I wouldn’t be able to pull her up, either.
There we’d be, stuck as beached whales. She said other things, too.
All the things you’d say to your child, your grandchild, if you loved them.
At least the things I’d say. That I’d made a mistake, and, worse, a bad choice, a wrong choice, but it wasn’t the end.
It wasn’t going to be my whole story. She watched Finlay when he was tiny, too, so I could start working.
So I could start over. And that’s what I did.
So you see—” She smiled as best she could, wishing she hadn’t shared all this.
Did she know how to attract a man or what?
“It all worked out. We all make at least one big mistake in our lives, probably, and that was mine. Well, that and the next stupid thing I did. Another fabulous learning experience. And yet I got three pretty good kids out of it, and we’re all fine now.
Enjoying our whanau. Enjoying our lives.
Enough to eat, and a home of our own. Even if we never travel to Wellington, we’re fine. ”