Chapter 17
Joe’s guilt, though never far away, surged back with a vengeance.
He wanted to wrap his arms around Kaden but he thought perhaps that was the wrong thing to do.
So he stayed on the floor, his anxiety making him feel small and helpless.
It was up to Kaden now. He’d either come round, accept, and they could move on together.
Or not come round. And whether he believed or not, he might still want Joe gone.
There was no escaping that Joe had used Kaden.
Shared his body. Seen his memories. Heard his thoughts.
Loved him from the inside. Hurt him. Twice.
Nothing could change any of that. Now he had to wait, watching someone he adored wake up from a life he could never return to and wait to see whether remembering would mean forgiveness or loss.
Not only that but Gash and Lanu were still alive inside Harris. Not in the way Joe had been in Kaden. They had no control over Harris, but that might change.
He stayed at Kaden’s feet.
“My God.” Kaden was shaking.
“Eat the Mars bar. You’re in shock. You need sugar.”
Kaden reached for it, tore the wrapper at one end and took a bite. “Have I gone mad?”
Joe sighed. “How much do you remember?”
“All of it. I think.” He released a shuddering breath. “Harris beat me up. You were in the wardrobe. You healed me. Got rid of all my bruises, my aches… Oh. My throat? Did you make that better too?”
“Yes.”
“How? You weren’t inside me then.”
Oh fuck. He had to tell the truth. “I left a little part of my heart in your heart to help it keep beating. It’s a link between us which meant I could send help to your throat.
I want to say I’m sorry, and I am, but I’m not sorry for helping you.
Not sorry for stopping you from hurting.
Not sorry for hitting Harris. But sorry that I pushed my way into you.
Sorry that I hurt you when I came out. I know this is a lot to take in. ”
Kaden gave a choked laugh. “You could say that.”
Joe wanted to ask if Kaden regretted saving him from the tank, but he was frightened of the answer so he kept quiet. Anything he said might tip the balance one way or the other, and he could only stand the thought of it going the way he wanted.
Kaden ate almost all the Mars bar, then offered Joe the last bite. Joe took it and felt something settle in his heart. Kaden still cared.
“You were in my head, all over my body and you saw everything through my eyes,” Kaden said hoarsely.
Joe nodded. He didn’t trust his voice.
“And now?”
“I don’t know what you’re thinking. I can only guess.” It was the truth, but he had a better chance of being right than anyone else in the world.
Joe stayed where he was, hands tucked under his arms, waiting for Kaden to say he needed time and space to get his head around this, that he wanted Joe to leave. For a while? Or forever?
Kaden rubbed at his eyes with the heel of his hand. “I feel as if someone cracked my head open and shoved everything back in, but in the wrong place.” He blinked at Joe. “Did you know I’d forget when you came out of me?”
“No. I didn’t. You told me you wanted to remember.”
Kaden’s shoulders sagged. “Yes, I did.”
“If you want me to go and never see you again, I’ll do that. I’ll shut down the link I left in your heart. Your pacemaker will do the work anyway. It was just a backup.” A little more than that, and Joe wasn’t sure he could shut it down anyway, but that wasn’t something Kaden needed to know.
“You can just walk away after all this?”
“Not easily. But I know that you deserve to choose when I gave you no choice before. I understand the importance of that.”
Kaden let out a breath that was half-laugh, half-sob. He dragged his knees up and wrapped his arms around them, rocking once. “God, this is so fucked up.”
“I know.”
“You saved my life.”
“Yes.”
“You also forced your way into me.”
Joe flinched. “Yes.”
Another pause. Kaden stared at his feet. “Both of those things are true and I’m not sure my head knows what to do with that.”
Joe nodded. That was fair. More than fair.
After a moment, Kaden shifted, lowering one foot until it rested lightly against Joe’s thigh. The contact was tentative, almost accidental—but it was contact.
“Don’t go yet,” Kaden said, eyes still fixed somewhere far away. “I’m not saying I forgive you. I’m not saying I won’t hate you tomorrow. But if you disappear right now, I think I might fall apart.”
Joe’s chest tightened painfully. “I’ll stay as long as you want me to.”
“Good,” Kaden murmured. Then, quieter, “And Joe?”
“Yes?”
“If you ever go inside me again without asking… I will be really pissed off.”
Joe managed a weak, shaky smile. “Okay.”
Kaden leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. “I’m exhausted.”
Joe stayed at his feet, exactly where he was, keeping watch as the world slowly, painfully reassembled itself around them both. He was tired too, but he didn’t know whether Kaden would want him in the bed. He needed to tell him about Harris and Gash and Lanu but that could wait until tomorrow.
“Shall I sleep on the floor?” Joe whispered.
“Don’t be stupid.”
They both used the bathroom and Joe let Kaden get into bed first. He tried to leave a gap between them, but Kaden wrapped his arms around him and Joe melted against him. He still wasn’t sure if everything was going to be all right but being held was a good start.
When Joe woke the next morning, Kaden was already up and dressed.
“I have to go and see Alistair.” Kaden picked up his laptop.
“Can I come?”
“And tell more lies? I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Joe tried to keep his face neutral, though disappointment flared in his chest. Alistair had already been told the lie about Joe being from Afghanistan, that he’d applied for asylum on that basis.
He’d wanted Alistair to see he was no threat to Kaden.
But he kept quiet. Silence was something he was learning too.
After Kaden had left, Joe showered and got dressed.
Maybe it wasn’t that Kaden didn’t want him to go to Alistair’s, more that he needed space as Joe had thought last night.
Still, Kaden’s absence rattled him more than he liked.
The protectiveness, that constant readiness he’d had in his other form, that would fade, wouldn’t it?
Or would it be there forever? Maybe it wasn’t a remnant of his former self but a development of his feelings for Kaden.
Love. Am I able to love? Despite their conversation about love, Joe didn’t know if that was what he was feeling.
Learning how to be human would be an endless process. He still didn’t understand crying. Or why some people turned to violence when words failed. He was learning how to want without immediately acting on it. And maybe he was learning how to love. Could Kaden ever love him back?
The bang on the door made him flinch. It wasn’t Kaden because he had a key. Maybe Harris. Joe was tempted to ignore it but the bang came again, along with a voice edged with irritation.
“Open this door right now or I’ll use my key. I know you’re in there.”
Not Harris. The landlord?
Joe opened the door. The man filling the doorway was huge—thick beard, solid shoulders, the kind of presence that pushed the air out of a room and probably Joe too.
“A little bird told me you’re living here with Kaden Bauer,” the man said. “That’s a breach of the tenancy agreement. One person per bedsit. Two of you violates health and safety and puts my licence at risk. You need to leave. Now.”
He folded his arms, blocking the exit. “Pack your shit.”
Joe’s heart hammered. He moved quickly, stuffing clothes into two shopping bags. Part of him wanted to believe this wasn’t permanent and he could slip back later, unnoticed. Another part whispered that maybe Kaden would be relieved.
The landlord ushered him downstairs and out onto the street. “Don’t hang around. If I see you in this building again, I’ll throw Kaden out too.” He slammed the door shut.
Joe started walking. He didn’t have enough money to buy a phone but he knew Kaden’s number. He’d have to persuade someone to let him make a call. Except even then, what could Kaden do? Joe couldn’t risk him losing his home because of him.
Alistair’s house. He knew where that was.
As he began to walk, he realised he should have left a note. He’d been too shaken to think clearly, though his writing skills were still poor.
Finding Alistair’s house wasn’t as easy as he’d thought it would be.
By the time he reached the right street, he’d asked forty-three people if he could use their phone.
Most didn’t answer, their eyes sliding past him as if he hadn’t spoken.
The others said no. A couple had laughed.
If Kaden had already left to go home, Joe would have to convince Alistair of who he was and ask him to call Kaden.
He knocked.
Alistair opened the door, Elsie pressed happily against his leg.
“Hi, Elsie.” Joe bent and stroked her. The dog’s tail thumped enthusiastically. Joe straightened. “Sorry. You’re Alistair. My name is Joe. I’m looking for Kaden. Is he still here?”
“Yes.” Alistair looked puzzled. “Come in.”
Kaden froze when Joe stepped into the kitchen.
“I’m sorry,” Joe said. “Your landlord said I had to leave immediately or he’d throw you out too. I needed to warn you.”
Kaden crossed the room in two strides and pulled him close. The relief hit Joe so hard that his knees weakened. He dropped the bags and clung to him, breathing Kaden in like air he desperately needed.
“What’s going on?” Alistair asked.
“Alistair, meet Jalis,” Kaden said. “He prefers to be known as Joe.”
“Ah.” Alistair shook Joe’s hand. “The Afghan asylum seeker.”
“Yes.”
“Taso paa bashpar dol englesi khbri koe,” Alistair said.
“Laa taso manana,” Joe replied. “It’s very kind of you to say I speak English perfectly. I am trying to.”
“Would you like a cup of tea?” Alistair asked.
“He prefers coffee,” Kaden said.