Chapter 18
KAIRO
I’m a coward. I know that. I wait until I know everyone is already gone from Noaz’s house before knocking on the door and completely ignoring the time. They answer, of course. They even let me in and allow me to meet my newest nephew, Sulien.
“Where do you come up with these names?” I ask as I admire the sleeping baby. So beautiful. Just like Noaz, something I find amusing since he’s not genetically Noaz’s son.
“Emerson is neutral,” Noaz answers. “Sulien is… unusual, which we think will lend the same neutrality since it’s not common in the US. You can’t really assume a gender with it.”
“Are you going to call him Suli, then? Like Emmy?”
I look up at my brother when they don’t answer. They’re grinning. “Now I am.”
Rolling my eyes, I look down at the newborn for a long time, ignoring the warmth in my chest. Honestly, I was a little surprised when I felt such a fucking tug toward Noaz when they announced they were bringing home a baby.
My first niece or nephew. My actions following, regarding the baby, can only be looked at with the thought that I had a stroke.
Honestly, though. Noaz is my baby brother, and while we’ve never been close and aren’t now, I love my brother. All my brothers. Especially my baby brother. My nephews, whom they’re bringing into the family? They’re just… everything. I don’t know why.
It nearly had me sobbing right there in the door when they handed me Emerson and told me his middle name is Zesiro. A cartoon that I was obsessed with for fucking years as a child.
“You can hold him in a couple days,” Noaz says quietly. “Before you go back to Chicago. He’s brand new, though, so—”
“It’s okay, Noaz,” I interrupt, keeping my voice just as soft as theirs. “He’s your baby, and you make the rules. I’m not in the least bit challenging them. You’re his voice until he has one.” I meet Noaz’s eyes. “I respect that.”
Noaz is one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever known. Both inside and out. Which is one of the reasons I’ve resented them for my entire life. “Thank you, Kairo.”
I nod.
“You want to know his middle name?”
Sighing, I look down at Sulien and brace myself. “Yep. Lay it on me.”
“I was going to go with Jalon, just to make Ellory pout and… because Jalon, you know?”
I do. Even as I try not to, I understand. “Yeah,” I answer softly.
“So… I went with Kai.”
My breath catches, and I look up at my brother. “Kai. Like… Kairo?”
Noaz’s smile is soft. “Yes.”
“But… why?”
Noaz shrugs and doesn’t give me an answer. I bow my head and try to swallow my emotions down. “We weren’t friends,” I whisper. “I’m not sure we’re friends now. I don’t understand why you’re naming your babies… with me in mind.”
“Because maybe you need to know how important you are to me,” Noaz says softly.
I sniffle, though I try desperately not to. Refusing to let them see me cry, I get to my feet but keep my head down. “I have to go. Thank you for letting me meet my nephew.”
“Come back tomorrow?”
Nodding, I hurry to the door, sidestepping abruptly when Briar appears in the hall and practically run into the wall. I blame my inner turmoil caused by my damn brother for my next actions. Instead of heading to my house deeper within the trees, I drive to the big house and let myself in.
I know where Malcolm’s room is. I might have creeped in the staff log and occupancy roster several weeks ago for… no reason that I can name, since I did nothing with that information. But now as I stand in front of Malcolm’s door, heaving for breath and trying to keep my emotions in check…
I’m not brave enough to knock. I don’t know what I’m going to say. All I know is that I messed up, and I don’t know how to fix it, but I need to. The sudden well of emotion that Noaz caused took over and forced me here. Fucking Noaz, man. Why are they always fucking with me like that?
I rub my palms on my pants, trying to wipe the sweat away. I’m here. He’s just on the other side of the door. My heart pounds loudly. Slamming against my chest so hard that I feel dizzy.
Before I chicken out, I knock on the door. It’s not a loud knock. I don’t want to wake the whole floor. But I hope it’s loud enough that Malcolm hears it. It’s past midnight. Is he still awake? Is he alone?
I’m chewing my lip as the door opens, and he’s standing there in nothing but tight black underwear.
His dick lies squished to his left. I’m breathless.
Not because of his dick. I mean, yes. That’s hot.
But because he’s stunning. Everything about Malcolm is big.
So big. His thighs. His chest. His damn arms. I think they’re bigger than my waist.
When I meet his eyes, his expression is blank. He doesn’t look particularly tired. There’s no indication that I woke him. Is he alone?
My eyes flicker into his room. Do I hear anything? There’s a dim light on in the direction of his bed.
“Yes?” he asks eventually when I do nothing but stand there.
I glance around the hall and then meet his eyes again. Malcolm takes a step backward, opening the door a little wider for me. Relieved, I step inside. I walk in far enough that I can see his bed and assure myself that he’s alone. A different kind of relief floods me.
Turning, I face him again. Malcolm’s arms are crossed over his chest. I suppose it’s too much to hope he’ll simply take me in his arms and not make me apologize. When he doesn’t move, I sag a little.
“I’m sorry,” I say quietly. “I…” I don’t have any idea how to put into words everything I feel. Everything that I’m sorry for. “You were right to call Voss, and I… might have… overreacted.”
Malcolm doesn’t respond. Doesn’t agree or even snort. There’s no ‘I know’ or anything. He watches me as if I hadn’t spoken.
Licking my lips, I continue. “Lucy is doing well,” I tell him because I hope he’d want to know. I’m comforted when he inclines his head.
“Good,” he says. “Does she need anything?”
I shake my head and shrug. “She and the other kids are in therapy. I assume everyone else they rescued is, too, but I don’t know about them.
I know about Lucy’s classmates because she tells me.
I’ve been bringing her to school and picking her up.
And therapy. She spends time when not with Maria at my office.
She has a whole office all to herself. I’m not sure where all the furniture came from or when the walls were painted pink, but she’s safe, and she’s happy and recovering, so I don’t care. ”
I’m rambling. I’ve never rambled in front of this man. But there’s a soft smile on his face as I talk about Lucy, so I continue to tell him everything I can think of. Everything.
Eventually, I run out of Lucy news and stand awkwardly across from him, shifting my weight on my feet. There’s nothing left to address except me—my least favorite topic.
“Noaz named their son after me, and I’m really kind of wrecked about it,” I mutter, scratching the back of my neck.
“Sulien?” Malcolm asks, confused.
“His middle name is Kai.”
Another smile touches Malcolm’s lips as he ducks his head once more. “Ah. They hadn’t shared that yet.”
“Oh. Then you don’t know.”
I’m sure I hear a quiet chuckle. But then he sighs. “Why are you here, Kairo?”
I wince. “I, uh…” I fidget, shifting my weight between my legs. “I want to be your baby girl again,” I whisper, eyes trained on the floor.
Malcolm doesn’t answer. Seconds pass. They’re loud seconds. Maybe they combine into minutes as I gather my courage to look at his face. Malcolm watches me, but I don’t understand the expression on his face.
“Is that so?” he asks when I finally meet his eyes.
I nod. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to leave and I…
I was…” My eyes close. Fuck. I hate everything about this.
I have to fist my hands to keep them from shaking.
“You’re the first person in my entire life who’s looked at me and seen me.
For the past thirty years, I’ve lived in the shadow of my brothers.
Jalon is fucking divinity as far as the world is concerned.
Arath is his mini protégé. Oxley is quirky—neurodivergent.
Noaz is a pretty prince or princess, whatever they want to be, but picked on because they’re different from the other kids and therefore need more of everyone.
Everyone was something, and I was just… not. ”
Tears sting my eyes, and I press my palms into them.
“I’m used to being invisible. Unimportant.
Not wanted. Unnoticed. The only time someone paid attention to me was when I was yelling at Noaz or picking on Oxley, and then it was always my fault because they were special and I wasn’t.
I was never special. No one wanted me around.
Everyone else was more important. And then you came along and…
and… I felt special. You treat me like I’m precious.
You saw me, everything that no one else wanted to see.
You wanted me anyway, despite the fact that I’m not special or quirky or pretty or unique or… divine.”
I wipe my hands on my pants again and try desperately to get myself under control.
“I’m sorry I told you to leave when I didn’t want you to leave.
It’s… everyone always chooses someone over me.
Someone is always more important. More palatable.
Less… me. It’s easy to walk away from me because I’m a headache.
I’m hard to deal with and no one ever thinks it’s worth the effort.
It’s less painful when I don’t let someone get close because then it doesn’t hurt when they decide that I’m not special or I’m too angry or too guarded or too…
emotionally unavailable. But then you stayed, and you kept coming back, and you let me take my time, and I was scared.
Then you called Voss for help, and it felt like you… chose him instead.”
“I called Voss to find Lucy,” Malcolm says. The first thing he’s said since I stopped talking about one of the kids in my life.
“I know. Everything in me knows. I know that had you not called him, we probably still wouldn’t know where she is.
You did the right thing. I know that. But it doesn’t change how it felt because everyone—especially my family—is always chosen over me.
Despite knowing how wrong I was and how unreasonable I was being, making you leave to protect myself felt like my only option.
So you couldn’t hurt me when something else came up, and you chose my family over me.
Yes, I know that’s not what happened. But it doesn’t change how it feels because I’ve experienced it my entire life, Malcolm.
The hurt and betrayal were the same. It was all too familiar, and I was terrified, so… I asked you to leave.”
Once more, I wipe my face and fidget on my feet.
“I didn’t want you to leave,” I whisper.
“I was so angry at myself when I realized you did exactly what I told you to do because, of course, you did. You always gave me a choice and respected my decision so… of course you left and that hurt even worse and I’ve been a coward this past month, not knowing how to tell you I’m sorry and that I fucked up and now I’m here to see my nephew and Noaz unlocked a fucking dam or some shit and I’m here because… because…”
I raise my eyes to finally look at him. Malcolm’s expression isn’t as closed off as it had been. It’s softer now.
“I want to be your baby girl again,” I say quietly. “Please.”