Chapter 20
Karla
On the next Spaghetti Monday, Grandma Claire was informed about the argument between Ash and me.
She met Ash a few weeks ago when she was over and called him a “sweet young man,” just like my mother would’ve said.
Grandma Claire told me she was disappointed that we had an argument. I was just as disappointed.
“But he’s your friend. Friends fight,” Grandma Claire told me. “And they apologize and forgive each other, too.”
I didn’t want to go to school the following week.
I didn’t want to face Ash after spending the whole weekend feeling ashamed of how I’d spoken to him.
When I arrived at first period, I saw him sitting there at his desk.
He wore his sweatshirt, with the hood turned up, and his head was tilted down.
His hands rested in his pocket as his hands fiddled with the toy truck in his pocket.
The only remaining piece of his little brother, Rian.
Seeing his normal hand movement made it feel like much more of a punch to my gut.
As I took my fifty-four steps to my seat, I stood for a moment, still looking at Ash.
I tried to speak, but no words came out at first.
I tried again. “Ash . . .”
He shook his head.
He didn’t look up or say a word.
It was clear he wasn’t interested in talking to me.
I should’ve forced him to look up. I should’ve forced him to lock eyes with me so even if I couldn’t say the words “I’m sorry,” he could read them in my eyes.
Grandma Claire always said eyes couldn’t lie.
That’s how she said she knew Dad still loved me when I doubted it at first. She said his love was resting in his eyes, not in the words he was struggling to say.
I wanted to show Ash my apologies. I wanted them to bleed out of my sympathetic stare.
But he didn’t turn to face me.
I figured by the time lunch came around, he’d meet me in Mrs. Rivers’s classroom. He didn’t show up. He didn’t walk me from my last class of the day to Ellie’s car, either.
The next day, he gave me the same cold shoulder.
I should’ve said something, but I didn’t. I was too embarrassed.
The day after that, he ignored me again.
I missed him.
I missed his dorky jokes.
I missed his crooked smile.
I missed his voice.
And he was right there. Sitting behind me. Just inches away from me, yet somehow, he felt so very far away. That was a new kind of sadness. Missing someone when they were right there.
I’m sorry, Ash.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
* * *
After school on Friday, I stood at my locker.
It had officially been five days of being ignored by Ash.
When someone tapped me on the shoulder, I was so hopeful that it was him.
As I turned around, a sudden disappointment hit me as I saw Missy standing there.
Colton had his arm wrapped around her shoulder, pulling her into his side.
They smelled like cigarettes and weed. Missy didn’t even look like herself; she hadn’t ever since she started dating Colton.
She wore a lot more makeup than she ever had before.
It was caked onto her face. It probably made her feel older.
I wondered if Colton liked that look on her. I wondered if he made her wear it.
Or maybe it was just the cool thing to do. What did I know?
“Hey, Karla!” Missy smiled brightly. “Are you still coming to the party tonight?”
Oh, the party.
Right.
That was the whole reason Ash wasn’t speaking to me.
I didn’t want to go . . . well, part of me did.
If I didn’t have Ash as a friend anymore, that meant I had no one.
I was so tired of being alone. I was so tired of not feeling like I was part of anything.
Loneliness was the worst feeling in the whole world, and I’d felt it for such a long time, outside of when I was with Ash—and he wasn’t even talking to me anymore.
But then again, Missy’s eyes looked kind and genuine behind all the makeup. Almost hopeful that I’d show up. I missed seeing hope in her eyes when it came to reconnecting with me.
“Uh, yeah. If I’m able to get a ride . . .” I murmured.
“We’ll pick you up early!” Colton said, patting me on the shoulder. “We’ll be there at nine.”
Nine at night?
That was already past my bedtime.
I’d have to sneak out.
Dad would never let me go. Ellie wouldn’t want me to go either.
Missy smiled widely. “Gosh, it’s going to be so fun, Karla. Just you wait and see! See you later!”
Colton snickered under his breath as if something was funny, but he didn’t say a word.
They turned and walked away, leaving me there with a busy brain.
I wished I could slow down the thoughts that spun so quickly in my head.
I wished I could understand my own mind and take a breath before every thought overtook me. But I couldn’t.
The party would be fine.
Missy smiled at me the way we used to smile at each other.
Maybe everything would be OK.
Even if Ash never talked to me again, I wouldn’t be completely alone.
Still, I missed him.