Chapter 25
Ash
The week after the incident with Karla, I went back to school feeling as if the world was still sitting heavily on my shoulders.
Mr. East got my number and told me that Karla was going to be OK.
Still, I worried. I had already seen the videos on social media of everyone bullying Karla; they were cruel.
When Monday came, I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
I didn’t want to see any of the jerks who might’ve made Karla’s life terrible. I didn’t want to face that asshole Colton, because I was certain if I had a chance, I’d bash his face in.
Unfortunately for me, Colton was too much of a dick to not gloat about him treating Karla like shit.
When he walked past my locker around lunchtime, my gut tightened. He glanced my way with a smirk. I wanted to punch the look off his face.
“Where’s your hunchback girlfriend, Ash?” Colton mocked. “Did she crawl back under some bridge or something?”
Now, my parents would’ve hated it if I hit Colton. They would’ve told me I was better than that—that we were a family who used our words instead of our fists. They would’ve wanted me to be the bigger person.
Unfortunately for them, I swore if I had a chance, I’d bash his face in.
So I did exactly that.
I took my chance.
Without thought, I tackled him to the floor and started swinging on him. He went down quickly but recovered even faster, tossing me backward against the lockers.
Ouch.
My back ached from the slam, but my inner rage was bigger than my exterior pain.
I dove right back at him and started slamming my fist into his face.
Again. And again. And again. It wasn’t until I felt arms pulling me off Colton that I realized Mrs. Rivers and another teacher were yelling at me to stop.
I didn’t stop, though. I kept kicking and swinging at the asshole, getting in any hit that I could.
The moment I was no longer able to reach Colton, reality settled in. I looked around at all the students who were staring at me. My heart pounded against my chest as I locked eyes with Missy and Brian and all the people who used to be her friends.
“She wanted to kill herself!” I shouted at her, at the teachers, at everyone.
“She wanted to fucking kill herself because of you assholes! All because she fucking loved you and wanted to be your friend again. But she’s so much better,” I choked out as tears burned at the backs of my eyes.
“She’s so much better than all of you fucking dicks! ”
“Ash, that’s enough,” Mrs. Rivers said, making me turn to look her way. The tears began to fall down my face as I looked into her eyes. She touched my shoulder and squeezed it. “It’s enough.”
* * *
Dad was called to the principal’s office.
He sat there with a stern look on his face as the principal told them how disappointed they were in me and how they had an absolute-zero-tolerance policy when it came to fighting. You fight, you leave.
They were going to kick me out of school.
I saw the heaviness in Dad’s eyes, the disappointment.
He thanked the principal, and then the two of us walked through the hallway to get my stuff from my locker. After I gathered my things, I slammed the locker shut and turned around to find Missy standing in front of me.
“Is Karla OK?” she asked with haste.
“As if you give a damn,” I murmured as I walked past her. My dad was standing by the exit doors.
Missy quickened her steps. “Listen, I broke up with Colton. He’s a jerk. And I didn’t know he was going to do that to her at the party, OK? I didn’t know.”
“But when he did it, did you try to stop him? Did you help her?” I barked as I paused my steps to look at Missy.
Tears flooded her eyes.
She remained quiet.
“She loved you,” I murmured. “She would’ve done anything to get back in your life. And you left her to drown.” I walked away, leaving Missy standing there alone with her tears. I didn’t care about her tears. All I cared about were the ones she made Karla cry.
Dad drove us home in complete silence.
I knew I made his and Maa’s lives harder by getting kicked out of school. They were already going through enough. The last thing they needed was for me to add more stress to their world.
When Dad pulled into the driveway, he put the car in park, but he didn’t unbuckle his seat belt. His hands stayed on the steering wheel. He gripped it tightly.
I swallowed hard. “Listen, Dad, I—”
“Before the principal called you into the office to join the conversation, he told me about a party that happened over the weekend. He showed me a video of your friend Karla being attacked. Is that why you hit that boy? Because he bullied your friend?”
I lowered my head. “She’s my best friend, Dad. I couldn’t just let them treat her like that.”
He stayed quiet. He kept gripping the steering wheel. I halted my breaths. I watched his hands. They loosened. They relaxed. He said, “Ashish?”
“Yes, Dad?”
He turned to face me, put his hands against my shoulders, and spoke words that I did not expect him to say. “I’m so fucking proud of you.”
* * *
A few days after the fight at school, I sat at the dining room table with both of my parents. It had been a week since the incident with Karla took place, and I still hadn’t recovered fully from it. Greyson had checked her into a mental health clinic to make sure she wouldn’t spiral too much.
I was still so scared for her, and I struggled to sleep. It looked like my parents hadn’t been sleeping, either. I wondered if they had nightmares, too.
Maa held my hand as we sat at the table. Dad kept his hands to himself as he talked about the next plans for our family.
“North Carolina?” I gasped, as if I’d heard my parents wrong. “What? No.”
Maa smiled at me, but it was the saddest smile I’d ever seen. She nodded her head. “Yes. I think it will be best for us, Ashish, to get you into a new environment. Plus, your aunt Josie said you and I can stay with her while we get on our feet and—”
“You’re not coming?” I barked toward Dad, confused by all this. Wait . . . What was happening?
Dad shook his head. “No. I have work here, and North Carolina doesn’t have the same opportunities as Chicago does for me, Ash.
Also, my new partner, Chase, is just getting the hang of working with me.
Plus . . . I can’t sell our house. This is the last place that Rian .
. .” His words faded away. He couldn’t leave Rian behind, not the last pieces of him.
But he was OK leaving me? He cleared his throat.
“But you and your mom will be fine with her family down in North Carolina. I think this is best for us all.”
“Best for us or best for you?” I sneered.
“All you do is care about saving strangers’ lives but not your own family, and now you’re abandoning us because you don’t love us anymore?
All because Rian died? Because you lost your favorite son?
Well, I’m sorry,” I shouted, standing from my chair.
“Is that what you want to hear, Dad? I’m sorry he’s dead.
I’m sorry I wasn’t watching him. I’m sorry some jerks bullied him.
I’m sorry, OK? I’m sorry for not being him. I’m sorry for ruining our lives.”
Dad’s eyes softened, and he shook his head. “Ashish, you didn’t ruin anyone’s life. Life just happens, and it happened to us. Your mother and I both think this is the best option at this time.”
Maa’s eyes told a different story, though. They were packed with a sadness that hurt my own heart.
“Do you, Maa? You want him to stay here? You want to move to North Carolina?” I questioned.
“I . . .” her voice shook, and she closed her eyes for a moment to take a breath.
“I see him in everything here, Ashish. I see your brother on every street corner, in every coffee shop we used to visit. The streets of Chicago are imprinted with him, and it’s hard for me to exist here.
And if I’m not existing, that means I’m not being the parent you need me to be.
I think North Carolina could be a great new start for us both. ”
“But what about Dad?” I asked quietly. “Don’t you want him, too?
I know this year has sucked and has been hard, but don’t you still love each other?
You used to love each other. I swear, you made me believe in love.
This can’t be it. This can’t just . . . we can’t stop being a family.
Please? Please?” I begged, feeling my chest burn from the realization that the little bit of family that I had left was dying right in front of me.
I couldn’t believe what was happening.
North Carolina?
No. That was a place where we used to visit and talk about how we loved our home in Chicago.
It was a place we were always happy to leave, because we were meant for the Windy City.
Chicago was home. And it felt like the only thing I had that made me feel close to Rian still.
This whole North Carolina thing felt like a hit-and-run.
Something that came out of nowhere, and I was struggling with accepting it all.
I was hit with whiplash, and it felt unsettling.
Maa looked over to Dad, and he locked his eyes with hers. All I saw was sadness in the both of them. But it looked like the kind of sadness that even words couldn’t express. It felt . . . hopeless. Empty.
Dad looked away first. He always looked away first lately. I wondered if he saw Rian in Maa’s eyes, too.
“Now listen, Ash. This has already been decided. Your mother has already applied for a nursing position in North Carolina, and I set up movers to come pack up your things in two weeks. This isn’t up for discussion.”
“So you’re just going to uproot my whole life because you both can’t face being around each other?” I shouted as my rage built more and more. Or maybe it was sadness cosplaying as rage. It was hard to tell sometimes. “I hate you! I hate you both so much for this!”
I stormed off to my bedroom and slammed the door.
I reached into my sweatshirt pocket and pulled out the toy truck and threw it at the wall.
It broke into pieces. It got scratched up, too.
I instantly felt bad for letting my anger break the one thing that made me feel whole.
I gathered up the broken pieces and held them tightly in my hands.
Then I collapsed onto my bed and sobbed against the red toy truck.
I’m sorry, Rian. I’m sorry, Rian. I’m so fucking sorry.