Chapter 29
Karla
After Ash left for North Carolina, I struggled a lot.
To be fair, I hadn’t been OK for a very long time.
That was hard to admit to myself. I was so far from OK that each morning felt like nighttime when I climbed out of bed, and that was on the days I was able to get up.
Sometimes my mind and body were so exhausted, I stayed in bed.
Dad, Grandma Claire, and Lorelai would lay with me on those days. I’d tell them to leave, but they wouldn’t.
I was embarrassed to admit that I still thought about ending my life after Ash and Dad found me in the cemetery.
I felt ashamed of the fact that I didn’t always want to take my next breath.
But there was something inside of me that felt like a whisper, a spark of hope that didn’t even feel like my own.
Ash’s final words to me were the driving force behind that small whisper. He was the sliver of hope in a world of despair.
Just stay.
Maybe currently I didn’t want to stay for myself; I wanted to stay for others.
I didn’t want Lorelai to grow up without a mom and a sister.
I didn’t want Dad to have to bury his child before he left this earth.
I didn’t want Uncle Landon to blame himself.
I didn’t want Ash to feel as if he couldn’t save me the same way he couldn’t save Rian.
And I didn’t want Ellie to feel as if she was the cause of my final straw.
I didn’t know where she was or what she’d been doing, and I felt a heavy level of guilt from knowing she left because of me.
I found a letter slid under my bedroom door, but I hadn’t yet found the guts to read her words.
I was certain she’d blame me for my stupid mistakes.
I was afraid of how much I’d let her down with how mean I’d been.
There were a lot of people I didn’t want to let down, but more than anything, I didn’t want Mom to feel as if I didn’t give life a real chance.
I knew she’d be sad if she knew I didn’t live my life to the fullest. I wanted to see her.
I wanted to be reunited with her, but first I had to live a little bit more.
She’d want me to do exactly what Ash wanted me to do. She’d want me to stay.
Ash checked in with me each day. Sometimes, we couldn’t talk much, but we always communicated somehow.
We had three rules that we agreed to follow with our long-distance friendship.
Rule number one: When our days were good, text messages were enough communication.
Rule number two: On bad days, we had to have a phone call, even if it was short.
Rule number three: On the worst days, we had to FaceTime.
I always answered his FaceTime calls right away. He always answered mine, too.
I missed seeing him in person, though. It amazed me how quickly Ash became my favorite person in the whole world. I missed his voice, his laughs, his smiles. I missed his corny jokes and how he’d always walk slowly with me.
I missed . . . him.
When Christmas morning arrived, Grandma Claire and Dad opened gifts with Lorelai and me.
After eating an early breakfast, because Lorelai just had to open gifts before the sun came up, she and I stayed in the living room, playing with a few of her new toys.
It still felt sad not having Mom around for Christmas.
It was the second one without her, and I still didn’t know how to stop missing her.
Oddly enough, I missed Ellie, too. More than I was prepared to admit.
Around seven in the morning, Dad walked into the living room with his jacket on and blankets in his arms.
“Where are you going?” I questioned.
“I thought we could go visit your mom to wish her a Merry Christmas,” he replied. He gestured toward Lorelai and me. “Want to go grab your coats?”
He was going to visit Mom? Last year, he couldn’t bring himself to visit her on Christmas Day. I sneaked out to visit her on my own and cried at her tombstone. This year, Dad was asking Lorelai and me to join him on a visit. The two of us hopped up and grabbed our coats.
We drove in silence until we reached the cemetery.
As we walked over toward Mom’s tombstone, I noticed other people visiting with their own loved ones.
Even though I missed Mom, it didn’t feel as heavy as it did last winter when I showed up to the cemetery.
Maybe because I wasn’t alone this time. Maybe I just needed Dad to be around me more so I could feel stronger.
Maybe he needed the same thing from me. The three of us sat at Mom’s grave sharing our favorite memories of her. Stories that used to make me cry now made me laugh. Others that used to make me laugh now made me cry. It was odd how that worked.
“This is where I came,” I finally confessed, staring at Mom’s name engraved in front of me.
“When I was skipping school, I’d come here to be with her.
It’s where I felt the most OK—when I was around Mom.
It felt like she always had something to tell me, but I couldn’t hear her. I couldn’t figure it out.”
Dad gave me a gentle smile. “I used to visit her tombstone too after she passed. And I felt the same way. Like there was something she was trying to say to us, but I couldn’t even figure it out.”
“Why didn’t you guys just ask her?” Lorelai questioned with bent brows. “I ask Mommy stuff all the time, and she answers.”
Dad pulled my little sister closer to his side. “For some people it’s easier, I guess, Lorelai. Some people are able to hold a very tight relationship with their loved ones after they’ve passed away.”
“Yeah, Mom and I are best friends,” she confidently said. “You should try just talking to her.”
“How do you do it, Lorelai?” I asked. “How do you talk to her and know that she hears you?”
She shrugged. “You just gotta believe.”
I swallowed hard and took a deep breath as I closed my eyes.
Just believe. “Hey, Mom, it’s me, Karla.
I just wanted to say that I miss you a lot.
Every day, and it never really gets easier.
I miss your bad jokes, and your laughter, and your terrible taste in music.
I miss how you could make my bad days better.
And how you could stop me from hurting whenever someone was mean to me.
” Tears started rolling down my cheeks, and Dad wiped them away as I kept talking.
“And I miss hugging you. I miss hugging you so much, but Dad’s been doing a pretty good job of being there lately for the hugs.
So yeah. We’re not OK with you being gone, but we’re OK.
We’re looking out for one another, and I just wanted you to know that. We’re OK, and I love you.”
I opened my eyes and wiped the tears away.
“See, Karla?” Lorelai whispered. “Did you hear it?”
“Hear what?”
“Mommy said she loves you too.”
* * *
After visiting Mom, I didn’t know why, but I felt pulled to finally read Ellie’s letter. Something in my heart was tugging at me to read her words.
Karla,
I feel like there are not enough words in the universe for me to express how sorry I am for how everything unfolded, but I am going to try my best to do exactly that. I guess the best way to approach this is to go back to the beginning.
I was in high school when I lost my mother to cancer. I was young, lost, and broken. That was exactly when your father came into my life. He showed up during my darkest days and brought me his light.
He knew of my hurting, and he called my scars beautiful.
He was my first love, but it wasn’t simply a romantic thing. He wasn’t even my boyfriend, and I could count on two fingers the number of times we kissed in our youth.
He was just him, I was me, and we were us.
Your father saved me. Without him, I’m certain I would’ve drowned.
Losing a mother is a unique kind of loss.
A mother understands your heartbeats when you cannot even interpret their sounds.
They see you as magnificent even when you feel like you’re so unworthy of love.
They calm the doubts that wreak havoc on your soul.
They show you what unconditional love is from the day you take your first breath.
Sometimes it feels like they know you better than you’ll ever know yourself, and then, one day, they are gone.
You feel cheated. Cheated on the things that they haven’t yet taught. Cheated on the lessons you still needed to learn. Cheated out of laughter, and smiles, and comfort, and love.
But what I’ve learned with time is that my mother is still around me. I see her in everything. Whenever there is beauty, that is where my mother exists.
I know she’s never gone, no matter what reality tries to tell me, because my heart is crafted from her love, and as long as it beats, she lives on.
So that heart of yours? The one you think is damaged and bruised and unworthy of existing?
That heart is perfect, and it cannot wait to show you how much love is waiting for you in this world.
And whenever you need that reminder, place your hands over your chest, and feel your mother’s love in every single beat.
You’re going to be OK, Karla.
You’re going to be more than OK.
But I need to ask you to do one thing for me: Watch after your father.
The truth is, he’s going to need you more than you need him.
Because he doesn’t have her heartbeats in his chest. No, his reminder of Nicole lives in your eyes.
In your smile. In your love. You are saving your father.
Without you, I’m certain he would drown.
So even if you never forgive me . . . even if you continue to hate me .
. . even if I never cross your mind again .
. . I want you to know that I am here for you.
Day or night. Night or day. Whenever you need me, I’ll be there, Karla, because you mean that much to me.
Not just as Greyson’s daughter, but as another human being who just needs to know they aren’t alone.
I’m one phone call away, and I will always answer.
I’m still here.
Eleanor
P.S. I know you’re hurting, but your scars are so beautiful.
She loved Dad first. Then she loved Lorelai and me, too.
After reading Ellie’s words, I knew that there wasn’t a bad bone in that woman’s body.
She was gentle, and playful, and beautiful, and kind, and she just so happened to fall in love with my father.
I couldn’t even blame him for loving her back.
Because I loved her, too. And as silly as it sounded, maybe it was Mom who sent Ellie to us all.
Maybe she knew our hearts needed more healing, and maybe she knew Ellie was the one who could help us fix a few of our broken pieces.
Maybe she knew we needed Ellie and her light.
Maybe Mom knew we needed just a little bit more of that kind of love.
I read her letter over and over again, letting the words settle into my heart.
More of that, Ellie.
* * *
After I read Ellie’s letter, I tried to convince Dad that he needed to give her another chance.
He wouldn’t take the bait, though. He was too worried about my own mental health, so he was willing to sacrifice his own happiness.
I wondered how often parents did that—gave up their own joy to make their children happier.
When I realized that Dad wasn’t going to fix things with Ellie, I knew I had to take things into my own hands. I knew if I could get her to show up at our house, I’d have a better shot at getting her and my father in the same room.
When Dad opened the front door after the doorbell rang repeatedly, he seemed perplexed when he saw her standing on the front porch.
He cleared his throat. “Ellie, what are you—”
“Is she OK?” she asked, her voice shaky.
He narrowed his eyes as I watched from around the corner. “Is who OK?”
“Karla. She sent me a text message saying she was in trouble and needed my help. I came over as soon as I could.”
“Oh, I’m fine,” I said, walking up behind Dad.
“Then why did you text Eleanor?” he asked.
“Because I do need her help. We all do.”
Ellie looked completely confused as Dad rubbed the back of his neck and groaned. “Sorry, Ellie. It seems my teenage daughter is acting up.”
“Only because you were being stubborn, Dad. Just face it . . . you like Ellie. And Ellie, you can’t even deny that you like him, too, because you can’t hide your emotions for anything. So you two should just . . . be together.”
“Karla . . .” Dad’s voice dropped, and he frowned. “You know why we can’t—”
“Yeah, Dad, I get it. You’re fucked up, I’m fucked up, Ellie’s fucked up—we’re all fucked up! But we might as well be fucked up together.”
“Language,” Ellie and Dad said in unison.
They smiled at each other, and just by witnessing that I got the same thing in my gut that I would get from Ash: butterflies.
“See? You both are even corny together. So you have to be together.” I shrugged.
“Look, I get it. I sometimes fall apart and make things hard, but I just want you to know that I want Ellie here. So does Lorelai. We don’t need to wait until we are perfectly healed, Dad.
We can be a team with a few cracks still left to fix.
Through the good and the bad. Besides”—I smiled at Ellie—“we made a pinky promise.” We weren’t perfect, but we were family, so I asked Ellie to do exactly what Ash asked me to do.
I asked her to stay, and thankfully, she did exactly that. She stayed.