Chapter 32
Ash
I wanted to die.
The whole flight back to Chicago, that was the only thought going through my mind. I wanted to fucking die. I couldn’t believe Dad was gone. Hell, my mind hardly grasped the fact that my little brother was gone, and now I was forced to deal with more death, more loss, more pain.
I wasn’t certain how much more I could take, if I was honest.
I hadn’t talked to Karla since I called her the night that my father died. She’d called me and emailed me and texted me, but I couldn’t find the strength to message her back. My mind was too fucked up.
The day of the funeral, I was shocked when I looked up at the pews of the church and I saw Karla sitting there with her father on her left side and Ellie on her right.
Karla’s grandmother, Claire, sat beside Mr. East with Lorelai in her lap.
Lorelai noticed me, and her eyes looked sad.
That made me sad, because that girl was always so happy.
It just was a reminder that my world was heavy, and it was affecting those around me. Even sweet Lorelai.
But her eyes weren’t the saddest. That award belonged to Karla.
The moment my eyes locked with Karla’s, I felt my heart break even more. Maybe it was because I saw the heaviness there. Maybe it was because I knew if anyone understood what I was feeling, it was her.
Then again, she didn’t know fully how dark my thoughts were.
Even though she lost her mother, she still had Lorelai. She still had her sibling.
I didn’t have mine.
Karla waved at me and smiled a little.
I looked away from her, because I couldn’t face her compassion. I couldn’t take in her care, because it reminded me of how broken I was.
I’m so fucking broken.
I turned on my heels and walked toward the exit of the church. I loosened my tie, which felt as if it was choking me to death. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t—
I hurried out of the church and shot around to the side of the building. Without a moment of hesitation, I started to upchuck everything in my stomach. Which wasn’t much. I hadn’t eaten in days.
“Ash,” a voice called.
Fuck.
It was her voice.
My mind felt dizzy as I stood after vomiting. I wiped the back of my sleeve against my mouth, feeling embarrassed that Karla was witnessing me falling apart.
“Are you OK?” she asked, rushing over and touching my shoulder.
The second her hand landed against me, I felt a wave of warmth shoot through my system.
I stepped away from her.
I didn’t like the comfort of her touch. I didn’t want her comfort. I wanted to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to fucking die.
“I’m fine,” I grumbled, turning away from her. But I wasn’t. My mind was spinning. I felt as if I was going to pass out from a lack of sleep and a broken heart. After Rian, I thought my heart had shattered as much as it could. Dad proved to me that broken pieces could shatter even more.
It felt as if there was nothing left of me.
“You should sit down. You look pale,” Karla said, reaching out to touch me, but I stepped away too fast.
“What are you doing here?” I snapped at her. I didn’t know why I snapped, but I did. I didn’t know why I was reacting in such a cold way. But her warmth bothered me. I didn’t want it. I didn’t deserve it.
I should’ve never left Dad to go to North Carolina.
Maybe if I stayed, he’d still be here.
Maybe if I would’ve hung out with Rian the night of his death, he would’ve still been here. Then Dad would’ve never overworked, then my parents would’ve never fought, then Maa and I would’ve never moved away, then Rian and Dad would’ve both still been alive.
But I didn’t hang out with Rian on the night that he took his life.
I hung out with my friends instead.
I told him we’d hang out tomorrow, and tomorrow never came.
It was my fault. All of this happened because of me.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to fucking die.
“Ash—”
“I don’t want you here, Karla,” I told her, shooting a cold stare her way.
She looked confused. I didn’t blame her.
I hated how mean I was coming off. I hated that I was pushing her away.
But I needed her to go. I couldn’t have her hold me again, because if she did, I’d beg for her to never let me go.
But I didn’t want comfort.
I wanted the pain to drown me until it swept me away.
“You don’t mean that. You’re grieving . . . you’re sad, Ash,” Karla said, taking a few steps toward me.
My heart skipped the moment she grew closer.
I shut my eyes. “Please, Karla . . . just . . . go,” I breathed out as tears started to fall down my face.
“No,” she disagreed. “I won’t leave you.”
“I don’t want you here,” I told her. “I want you to go.”
“You don’t—”
“Why won’t you fucking leave me the fuck alone?!” I shouted, my voice cracking as the words flew out of my mouth. Karla’s eyes widened. The hurt that washed over her face broke those shattered pieces of my heart into even smaller shreds.
Make it stop.
Please, heart. Please stop feeling.
“Karla,” a voice called out from behind us. I looked up to see Greyson and Ellie standing there. He looked at me and then toward his daughter. He pushed out a tight, pained smile. “I think maybe we should go.”
“But Dad . . .” Karla started.
Greyson walked over to his daughter and wrapped an arm around her. “It’s OK. Let’s just give him some space to breathe.” He gave me a broken smile. “We’re so sorry for your loss, Ash.”
I nodded. “Thank you.”
With haste, Karla broke out of her father’s grip and then darted toward me, wrapping her arms around me. “I’m so sorry, Ash,” she cried, holding me tight. “I’m so, so sorry,” she said. She covered me in her concern, in her love, and she didn’t let go for a while.
“Please, Karla, please,” I whispered against her. “Please let me go.”
She didn’t want to, but she let go. The moment she did, I hurried back into the church, not turning back to look at her. I wanted to, but I couldn’t; I wouldn’t. I couldn’t let her and her warmth wash over me too much. I didn’t want comfort. I wanted to die.
That afternoon, I let go of the light, and I slipped deep into my own darkness.