One Day in October #4
He understood their anguish now, their willingness to risk rejection this one last time before they gave up on their parents completely.
Isaac would give so very much—so very much—to be able to see his parents again, to tell them they were the best, and that he loved them, and to tell them what his life was like right now, and how much he loved and was loved.
But he wouldn’t give this, this moment with the family he’d found in his heart. He knew his parents would never ask him to.
And he knew that for Luca and Allegra, that sacrifice was the one they’d be asked to make.
“Whatcha thinking?”
Isaac startled and then closed the door on the nursery and turned to smile sadly into Luca’s eyes.
“I’m thinking about parenthood,” he said. “And the past, and the present, and sacrifices we’d make, and sacrifices we shouldn’t.”
Luca grunted. “That is some incredibly deep shit. Come on. Allegra’s cutting the cake as soon as Romper Room in there wakes up, and I haven’t seen you sit down once.”
Isaac felt a pleasant, giddy sort of tiredness in his legs and back. “Once would be nice,” he admitted.
“I know it. Come on. Let me make you a plate, and you can say hi to Nonna and Pop Pop, and everybody can tell you how awesome your party is.” He paused. “Including my sister, who has never—and I mean not even as a kid—had something this awesome.”
“She didn’t get a princess party as a kid?” Isaac asked, surprised.
“Our parents believed in small family parties,” Luca said with a shrug. “You may not know it, baby, but you just set the bar for every party our little tadpole has.”
Isaac thought of that, of a baby with birthday parties, many of which would be held in this very house. Suddenly the house, which had seemed like a giant, echoing monstrosity in May, was very useful, and very important, for a busy social family of four.
“That’s the best present ever,” he said happily. “I can’t wait.”
Luca paused then, to place a sweet, lingering kiss on his forehead, and then they were in the front room, and Isaac was being introduced as the party host, and new friends and old friends and his new sister and his new lover were all applauding, and for a moment it was Isaac’s birthday too.
THE NEXT day they were all dressed and ready by ten in the morning.
“My God,” Luca said, staring at his own khakis and button-down. “It looks like we’re going to church.”
There was enough chill in the air for Isaac to have put on his Halloween vest. He’d made it years ago, but Todd had only let him wear it on Halloween.
This year he’d been wearing it at school at least twice a week in October and had made plans to start a new one in January, that one with more DayGlo orange, green, and yellow, with a purple background instead of one in flat black.
He’d forgotten how much fun Halloween could be when you didn’t care how silly you were or whether you were wearing the appropriate colors at the appropriate time.
In this case he wanted to wear the vest because it made Luca smile. Three nights ago, he’d spent an entire television show tracking the different motifs—black cat, skull, dancing skeleton, witch’s hat, spider—knitted into the vest in fine wool.
Isaac would have worn anything to make Luca smile, which he was only now starting to realize was a whole different level of actualization than wearing something just to avoid your lover’s steely-eyed censure.
“We’d better do something after this,” Allegra said, frowning at the high-waisted autumn-green-and-gold blouse she was wearing unhappily.
Roxy had given her a boxload of maternity clothes, this dress (or shirt meant to be worn with leggings) being on top, and while Allegra was grateful—and loved Roxy’s taste—Isaac could tell she was getting to that part of pregnancy where every article of clothing felt like a circus tent.
Even a rainbow was disheartening when you were swathed in acres of it and the bottom of your stomach still showed.
“Wait,” she added, reaching for the cardigan Isaac had given her the day before.
Isaac raised his eyebrows because the magenta and the gold and green went nowhere near together, but Allegra gave him a flounce of her head to indicate she was wearing it whether it clashed or not.
“Of course we are,” Isaac said, kissing her on the cheek, loving her more for all the raucous color she was willing to endure. “This thing, it’s just a stop on our way to pancakes and the yarn shop.”
“Really?” Allegra perked up.
“Really,” Isaac said. “The specialty yarn shop, where the owner has her own line of yarn, dyed in small batches, and kits and such. Where you can buy some really glorious lace-weight yarn and make a scarf for you and nobody else.”
Allegra’s shining smile was all he needed to see, but as Luca stood back to usher them out of the house, he got a solid kiss on the lips.
“Isaac?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you. You’re perfect. I don’t say it enough. Let’s go.”
The day was already better than he’d hoped for, because he was aware that it could get so much worse.
WHEN THEY got to the house—one of the gracious older homes off Winding Way in Fair Oaks, Isaac glanced around the perfectly sculpted yard and the precision-trimmed hedges and got an icy tingle in his stomach.
The house itself had two stories, a peaked roof, and dark brown trim on a beige exterior.
Halloween was in a week, and in deference to the holiday, Isaac saw one tasteful wreath of autumn leaves on the door.
No spiderwebs, no flags, no colorful scarecrows. No flowers, seasonal or otherwise.
Todd would have loved this.
He hadn’t seen a house like this in Luca and Allegra’s past. He’d seen Luca’s work boots, his kindness, his easy way of moving about the house when he was cleaning it. He’d seen Allegra’s cheerfully messy room, her enthusiasm, all of the ideas she had spinning in her head.
He hadn’t realized the same lockstep thinking that had squeezed Isaac into a box for ten years had been the box they’d burst out of when they’d turned eighteen.
Maybe they hadn’t realized it either. Like Isaac, they’d felt safe and cared for in that box, until Luca, whose heart was so pure in all the ways that counted, had told them one thing about himself that didn’t fit.
“Hey,” Luca said, a note of forced joviality in his voice that Isaac hated. “At least Dad let her put up a wreath this year. She always wanted to do Halloween decorations.”
Allegra snorted. “Next year, me and Isaac are gonna hit the sales, and we’ll show you Halloween decorations.”
Luca grabbed her hand as they approached the door. “Can’t wait,” he said.
Isaac was torn, watching Luca and Allegra approach that forbiddingly perfect doorway. Out of respect for their privacy, he thought he should hang back and let them take care of their own business. Out of support and protectiveness, he thought he should knock and negotiate terms.
Even as he moved up to Luca’s side, he heard Todd in his head, telling him stay out of it because it wasn’t his family.
They’re my family, he told Todd. They’re my family, and I love them more than you could ever understand.
As the door started to creak open, he bumped Luca’s hand with his own, squeezing when Luca laced their fingers together. Okay. Yes. This was where he belonged.
The woman who opened the door was thin and elegant, with high cheekbones and thick, dark, glossy hair swept back from an expressionless face.
She wore a rose-colored twinset, which made her golden complexion sallow and a little sickly, but Isaac got it.
Somebody had told her to wear muted colors to church.
In contrast, Allegra’s bright gold and green (and magenta!) was wild and whimsical and exciting. Even at almost eight months pregnant, Allegra’s brilliance could not be dimmed.
“Allegra?” For a moment, Isaac saw an unfettered joy cross the woman’s severe features, and his heart fluttered with hope. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if this strictly limited box could expand, grow bountiful, with a little bit of love?
How can you not love them? He wanted to scream it, but he squeezed Luca’s fingers instead.
“Hi, Mom,” Allegra said, giving a small smile. “Can we come in?”
The woman’s lipsticked mouth opened, and Isaac thought, Yes, yes, yes! And then her eyes flickered to Isaac and Luca, and the emerging light shut down, and the bar between her dark eyes said NO!
“Only you, Allegra,” the woman said, a note of hesitation in her voice.
“Your grandmother told us of your condition, and your father will allow you to come stay with us if you wish, to raise your baby.” Her eyes flickered to Luca again, and Isaac didn’t imagine it—for a moment, there was a maternal hunger as she took him in, looked to see how he’d grown.
And then she shuttered down on it, and what was left was only a blank coldness, a frozen piece of a human soul stuck in her eyes.
But Allegra was back on her words. “Allow me?” she asked, her voice rising.
“Allow me inside? To stay with you while I raise my baby? That’s real generous of you, Mom, but I was here to allow you into my baby’s life.
To allow you to get to know your grandchild.
I guess that’s not so important to you, is it? ”
And those frozen eyes blinked again, a little bit of soul seeping back in. “We understand that you need help, Allegra. We’re willing to give it to you—what more do you want?”
“I don’t need help!” Allegra shouted. “I would like my mother to be in my life when I become a mother, but believe me, I don’t need to be ‘allowed’ in the house.
I’ve got a home. I’ve got a nursery. I’ve got a job with my brother, and we have a blast working together, Mom.
He’s got his own business—you didn’t even fucking ask—”
“Don’t swear,” her mother said automatically. “And I know your… situation. Your grandmother keeps me informed.” Again, that terrible split-personality eye-flicker to Luca. “We’re both glad to hear your brother—”