Chapter 24 #2
“I fucked up tonight, Dad.” My voice cracks.
“I let her get in my head. I lost focus, like a damn rookie. The scouts saw it, and—” I cut myself off, not wanting to worry him by letting him know I didn’t even get to make the call in the end.
My head falls back again, and I close my eyes. “It’s done. I think I’m done.”
He doesn’t try to convince me otherwise; he just pushes to his feet and holds out his hand.
I stare at it for a second before slapping my palm into his and allowing him to tug me to my feet.
But he doesn’t stop there. He yanks me into a hug, arms tight around my shoulders.
My eyes burn, but I blink away the sting. “I just left her out there,” I whisper, the words thick with shame. “I couldn’t face her after I…”
Ruined the future I want to be able to give her. That she deserves.
Why am I this way? Why can’t I just be better? More?
“Come on, Son.” My dad’s voice is soft and he steps back. “Let’s get you cleaned up and out of those pads. I’ve got something you can put on.”
We walk into the room, his hand still on my shoulder.
A couple hours later I’m standing outside a familiar dorm. A minute passes, and then the lock clicks, and Cam appears, giving me a tired, small smile as she tugs the door open for me to slip in, gently closing and locking it behind me.
My eyes find her instantly, curled up on the couch with a blanket pulled up to her chin.
Guilt and self-loathing pour into my veins so heavily that I have to reach out and grip the wall.
Cam’s arms come around me from behind, and I place my palm over hers to help steady myself. “We love you, Chaser,” she says softly, before sliding away.
A moment later, I hear the door down the hall click shut, Brady’s muffled voice floating from the other side. He’s likely trying to get out here to check on me, but Cam is giving him every reason she can come up with not to let him.
I’ll owe her for that later.
I don’t want to talk to anyone, not until I talk to Paige—but right now I just want her in my arms, hoping her phone wasn’t dead, as it so often is, and she got my text letting her know I was okay.
As I approach her, though, taking in the way she’s clutching the blanket between her pretty fingers and the small frown that shouldn’t be there when she’s asleep, I can’t even bring myself to touch her.
I wish she knew she’s the only thing keeping me tethered right now, that every breath I took after that final whistle was for her.
I didn’t want a way to escape her; I walked away so I didn’t fall apart in front of her.
So I didn’t put this…crushing weight of what might be ruined on her shoulders.
She would have taken one look at me and tried to take it because she’s just good like that.
Kind and loving and so much better than I could ever be—selfless and honest.
And I’m selfish and a liar. A mess destined to dirty up her life.
I knew my friends would do this, that they would take care of one of their own, and not just for me but for her because she is a part of this little family we’ve formed—her as a person all on her own.
Dropping onto my ass on the edge of the couch, I run my knuckles along her cheek, and slowly, that little frown between her brows smooths out.
She takes a deep breath and snuggles into her pillow, and my eyes burn when she lets go of her blanket.
I sit there for I don’t know how long, memorizing the lines of her face and clearing it of the little scowl that comes back every so often.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been here or what time it is, but I figure it must be morning when I hear footsteps padding down the hall. They stop, and I know it’s at the sight of me, so I force myself to look over.
My muscles lock the moment our eyes connect, and the heat of disgrace burns up my neck. Of course, it’s the very last person I want to see, and it has nothing to do with him.
“Hey,” Noah whispers, taking in my position and eyes roaming over me, looking for proof of injury. He finds it on my left hand, still wrapped with the temporary stuff.
My stomach turns in on itself, and I drop my gaze to the carpet.
His sigh is low, and he continues into the room, moving into the kitchen, and a couple minutes later, the smell of coffee fills the space.
I hear a cup settle on the kitchen counter, and then a second one.
My eyes pop up and I see he was waiting for that. He nods, and my ribs constrict at the offer. With one last look at my sleeping angel, I push to my feet, moving to join him.
“I’m not usually one for coffee, but I think we could both use one this morning,” he says, pouring some creamer into both cups and pushing one my way. “Figured you might feel the same today.”
I nod, accepting the warm drink, and when I take a small sip, the heat is surprisingly soothing. I didn’t realize how raw my throat felt. After a moment, my eyes go right back to the couch, my gut twisting.
“She loves you. You know that, right?” he says hesitantly.
I swallow, a raspy “yeah” leaving me.
She hasn’t said it yet, but I know she does. I feel it.
I don’t know why she does, but I’ve never been more grateful for anything, even if I sort of wish she didn’t because if she loves me, then that means I’m the one who holds the power to hurt her, and that’s too much.
“I hurt people,” I don’t mean to whisper. Instantly, I wish I could take it back, my eyes snapping to Noah.
I hate how his expression softens when he meets my gaze. “It’s okay to need time to yourself, Chase. No one faults you for that. I did the same thing.”
A low, almost-bitter laugh leaves me, but it’s all pointed back at myself. “No you didn’t.” I shake my head. “You took a minute for yourself when Ari didn’t know how much she needed you. You never did it when all she needed was you. That’s what I did last night—ran away, let her worry. Left her.”
“Chase—”
“Don’t, man.” I cut him off, shaking my head. “Don’t tell me she understands or it’s okay or any other supportive shit you think I need to hear.” I look into his eyes. “I don’t deserve your friendship, Noah, so I don’t know why you keep trying to give it to me.”
Noah stares at me for a moment, and then he looks down, nodding to himself.
We go quiet, both just drinking our coffee in silence, and then he pours us another cup, this one just as soothing as the last.
“Should I punch you in the face?”
My head yanks around, and I spill a little coffee on my knuckles.
Noah’s grin is wide, and he tries to bury the chuckle that leaves him in his fist. “That’s what she told me you’d prefer over my friendship.” He jerks his head toward Paige. “A punch to the face.”
A scoff escapes me, and then we’re both laughing.
When I look at him again, his laughter dies, maybe from the expression on my face.
“Chase.” He shakes his head, but I hold up my hands.
“Just…let me. I’m—I’m sorry, Noah,” I tell him earnestly. “I thought I was sorry before, and I was, but I didn’t understand the severity of what I did to you until…” I swallow.
Noah’s mouth hooks up in one corner, and he glances at the girl on the couch, his oldest friend. His once best friend, until Ari became that for him.
Until Paige became that for me.
“Until you fell in love with Paige.”
I nod, jaw clenched. “I didn’t know it could ever be like this. That it would be like this. Like every piece of me is made up of nothing but pieces of her. It’s terrifying in a way I never knew possible, like this endless pressure and constant stress and worry.”
“Yeah, it is.” Noah is smiling now. “But the payoff?”
Yeah, the payoff.
My eyes move to Paige again, and everything in me softens.
The payoff is unmatched.
“I don’t deserve her.”
Noah’s hand clamps on my shoulder and he gives a little squeeze. “That thought right there, it’s the exact reason why you do.”
“Noah.” Ari’s soft whine comes from the hall, and then the bathroom door clicks shut, and he taps my arm, jogging down the hall.
I frown after him, then grab my cup and move back to my place on the floor beside a still-sleeping Paige. Leaning forward, I kiss her cheek, letting my forehead rest there a moment, wincing when my spine spasms a bit, and straighten, my eyes closing.
I don’t care what I lose, Angel, so long as I don’t lose you.