chapter nine
kira
I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s been a few days since Noah and I were in the kitchen. When he touched me, I could have sworn there was something there. But of course, there wasn ’ t. There can ’ t be. I know that. The way he just left me standing there still makes me feel like an idiot. Why did I even touch him like that? I know why: he was shirtless, warm, and pressed so close to me. For the first time since that night when I was fifteen, having a man that close didn ’ t scare me.
That ’ s one thing I love about Noah—he could never scare me. He can definitely piss me off, though, and that ’ s what happened tonight. Rob asked if I could work later because someone else called in sick. I wasn ’ t going to turn that down—I need the extra hours. Should I have told Noah? Probably, but it doesn ’ t justify him throwing a fit like that. He ’ s not my dad. He doesn ’ t need to know everything I do. I don ’ t like it when he treats me like a kid. I ’ m almost nineteen, and I ’ ve been caring for myself for years now.
He was genuinely upset, though. When he walked through the door, I saw that flash of concern in his eyes, quickly masked by irritation. He was worried about me.
I push the guilt aside and focus on the view outside my window. The sun sets over the lake, painting the sky with pinks, oranges, and purples, reflecting off the still water.
I wish I could stay here forever. I love this house—there are so many memories here. It ’ s the one place I ever felt truly wanted as a kid. Noah being upset with me is his way of showing he cares about me, and I get that. But he could ’ ve gone about it in a kinder way.
The next morning, my alarm yanks me out of a deep sleep. I really don ’ t want to go to work today. Still half asleep, I pick out a comfy outfit and shuffle toward the bathroom. But as soon as I reach for the door, it turns by itself, swinging open to reveal a wall of man in a towel.
I take my time sliding my gaze up to Noah ’ s. His towel hangs low on his hips, his body still damp from the shower.
What I wouldn’t give to run my hands over those tattoos again.
“Excuse me, princess,” he says as he steps past me. It takes me a moment, but I finally head into the bathroom for my own shower, trying to remind myself that I’m mad at him.
I’m opening today, so it’s only me until ten when Lexi comes in. She’s been working here for about two weeks and seems to be doing well. She’s a little older than me, probably twenty or twenty-one, and I like her.
We don’t typically get that many customers this early, so I start by stocking some of the shelves. It’s relaxing. I like being by myself, and the predictability of the task is comforting. I lose myself in it, letting my brain wander.
My phone rings in my pocket, and I pull it out to see Maddie’s name on the screen. We have plans to hang out later today, and I know I shouldn’t answer at work, but what if it’s important?
I roll my eyes and smile as I swipe, Maddie’s face filling the screen.
“Hey girl!”
Her blonde hair is styled up in a messy bun, and it looks like she just rolled out of bed. I’m jealous.
“Hey, I’m at work right now, so I can’t really talk.”
I set the phone on the shelf as I continue organizing the candy section.
“Is it just you there?”
“Yeah, until ten,” I answer.
“You’re fine, then,” she laughs.
My mouth drops open at her audacity as we both devolve into giggles. She’s probably right; no one will be in for another hour, and this is no different than listening to music.
“What is it you called to tell me, then?” I ask, feigning annoyance.
“I just wanted to talk to you,” she says. “And I may have met a girl last night, and I was too excited to wait to talk to you until later.”
“Oh my god, tell me about her now ,” I squeal.
“She’s tall and pretty and confident. I’m almost one hundred percent sure she likes girls, but it’s always hard to tell, you know?”
I can’t say I do, but I reassure her anyway.
“I bet she does.”
The door jingles before I know it, and Lexi walks in carrying her purse and coffee.
“Gotta go,” I mutter to Maddie as I tap the red end-call button and shove my phone back into my pocket.
Lexi gives me a wave before heading to the back to punch in. That was close. I finish putting away the chocolate bars I’ve been working on and head to the register.
It’s almost time for me to leave when I glance out the window onto the street and see Jake walking toward the store with a group of his friends. It looks like it’s him, some tall blond dude, and…my heart stops.
Not him, it can’t be him. I thought he left town. But he’s there. Zach is on his way into the store. I haven’t seen him since—Suddenly, I’m back there. That night. It plays in my head like a fucking movie. I try to control my breathing, my heart racing.
“Uh, Lexi, can you watch the register?” I ask, my voice shaking.
She looks shocked, maybe worried. I don’t care. I need to get away. Where am I going to go? The back room, that’s it. I rush to the door, slamming it shut behind me. I lock it, sliding to sit on the floor. I try to take deep breaths.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
A sob racks my chest, and I try to hold back the tears. I’m okay. I’m safe. I hear them enter the store. Loud voices, laughing. I hear him, and bile rises in my throat. I focus on my breathing, but the memories still come. Zach throws me over his shoulder and then onto the bed. Where is Jared? What is happening?
A soft voice from the other side of the door coaxes me back to reality. How long have I been here?
“Kira, are you okay? Can I come in?” It’ s Lexi.
I force myself to stand, opening the door for her. Her eyes are filled with concern when she takes me in.
“Are they gone?” I whisper.
“Who, that group of guys? Yeah, they left,” she says. “What happened?”
“It’s nothing. I’ m fine. ”
I pull my phone out of my pocket and check the time. I was technically done with my shift ten minutes ago. Thank god, I’m ready to leave. My hands still shake as I slide my phone back into my pocket. Lexi notices.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, I’ m fine. I ’m going to head out now.”
I would ask her if she needs any help, but I can’t stay any longer. I need to get out of here. I walk out to my car, terrified, studying my surroundings. As soon as I get in I hit the lock on the door and quickly shoot over a text to Maddie.
Kira: Hey girl, I’m not going to be able to hang out tonight. I have to work late :(
I hate lying to her, but I don’t know if I can handle telling her yet.
Taking a deep breath, I turn the key and pull out of the parking lot.
I reassure myself the entire drive home. I’m not fifteen anymore. He can’t hurt me again. I won’t let him.
When I get home, I go straight to my room, barely registering the warmth of the house around me. My chest feels tight, my hands cold despite the heat outside. I need to be alone.
Noah looks up as I rush past him, his brows pulling together in confusion. He opens his mouth like he might say something, but then he hesitates and lets me go. I can feel his gaze lingering, but I don ’ t stop. We haven ’ t talked since our argument, and he probably assumes that ’ s why I ’ m upset. Maybe that ’ s easier for him to believe.
He doesn ’ t know what happened that night.
Hell, even Jared doesn ’ t know what happened. I never told him, never told anyone. After the cops blamed me, after they looked me in the eye and said it was my fault, I lost the courage to say another word. Maybe if I had, someone would have believed me. But I hadn ’ t, and now it ’ s too late.
My room is dim, the late afternoon sun casting long shadows across the floor. I close the door behind me and press my back against it, exhaling shakily. My heart is still pounding, and I don ’ t know if it ’ s from the memories clawing at the edges of my mind or the effort of keeping them at bay.
I need a distraction.
I grab the book from my nightstand and force myself to focus on the words. The familiar rhythm of the story, the certainty of its structure, pulls at me like a lifeline. Unlike real life, fictional stories follow rules and patterns. There ’ s always an answer, always a resolution. Always a happy ending.
If I can just sink into the pages, maybe, for a little while, I can pretend everything is okay.
But it ’ s not. And I know it.
A soft knock startles me. My pulse jumps, and I clutch the book tighter, my fingers pressing into the worn cover.
The door creaks open slowly, and Jared stands there, watching me.
“Dad and I are going to watch a movie if you want to come down,” he says. He notices my lack of reaction and adds, “There’ s pizza. ”
I give him a small smile. I should go down there. I haven’t eaten anything since this morning.
“I’ll be down in a bit,” I assure him.
After climbing out of bed, I grab my favorite big sweater, also known as my emotional support sweater, and throw it on. It has a bunch of small holes in it, but I love it anyway.
Walking down the stairs, I can smell the pizza in the kitchen, and my stomach grumbles. I’m so hungry. I take three slices of pepperoni and head into the living room.
Noah is on one side of the couch, a beer sitting in front of him on the coffee table. Jared is on the opposite side, holding a fuzzy blanket. I plop down between them, sitting noticeably closer to Jared. He throws the blanket over me and presses play on the movie.
Vin Diesel pops onto the screen, and I know we’re watching the first Fast & Furious movie. Classic Noah and Jared. This series is one of their favorites. Over the years, it’s become one of mine too. I settle in next to Jared, leaning my head on his shoulder.
I can feel Noah’s eyes on me as I glance up, meeting his gaze. His face is tense, his brows knitted. Is he still mad at me? I don’t have the energy to deal with that right now. Ignoring him, I sigh and turn back to the movie, snuggling into Jared. He wraps an arm around me, his other hand holding his phone.
We stay like that for the rest of the movie. When the credits roll, I don’t want it to end. My anxiety almost completely disappears when I’m with them, and I need that right now.
“Wanna watch the second one?” I ask, hopeful.
“Oh, I can’t, I’m sorry! I have plans with Jake tonight.”
My face falls. I know they’re friends, and Jake’s stunt in the bathroom doesn’t change that, but it still doesn’t feel good. Noah’s eyes meet mine, and there’s recognition there.
“We can still watch it if you want,” he says softly.
I think about it. The last time we were alone, things happened when they shouldn’t have. But I don’t want to be alone right now, and he’s offering, so…
“ Sure, ” I reply.
After Jared leaves, Noah looks over at me.
“I’ll be right back,” he says.
I wait patiently, snuggling up with the blanket. I listen for sounds in the kitchen, and I distinctly hear the door of the microwave close. Oh, he better come back with popcorn.
Minutes later, he re-emerges from the kitchen with a popcorn bowl in one hand and a glass of white wine in the other.
“Legally, I do not know you have this,” he says as he hands it to me.
My heart melts a little as he sits down on the couch. He’s pressed against the armrest, as far as he can get from me. I let out a laugh, and he looks over at me.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing.”
He scowls, grabs the remote, and puts on the second movie. The popcorn smells delicious, and I want some. The only problem is there’s an ocean between us, and he has a death grip on the bowl. I crawl over the cushions to sit by his side and feel his body tense.
“Relax, I just want some popcorn,” I explain, reaching my hand into the bowl. He softens a little, but not completely.
“ Kira, I ’ve been meaning to talk to you.”
My heart skips a beat as I look up at him. Is he still mad at me? Before he can say anything, I apologize.
“I’m sorry about the other night,” I blurt. “I promise I’ll let you know if I’m not coming home in the future.”
He shakes his head, “That’s not what I’m talking about.”
“What do you mean?”
“That night. In the kitchen. That should have never happened.” His voice is low but firm.
My heart sinks.
“Don’t worry, I understand. You don’t see me like that, and why would you? I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry.”
“What?” he asks, sounding confused.
“I get it. I’ m Jared ’s friend to you. It’s fine, really,” I don’t know if I’m telling him that or myself.
He’s looking at me like I’m crazy, disbelief playing in his eyes. His jaw flexes, and he seems like he’s trying to find the right words. I don’t need this rejection right now, not on top of everything today.
“God, Kira, I wish it was that simple.”
He sounds frustrated, and the look in his eyes tells me he’s fighting himself.
“What does that mean?”
“It doesn’t matter,” he says. “Watch the movie.”
I don’t argue because I don’t know what to say. What does he mean by that?
I lean my head on the back of the couch, looking up at the TV. I know that nothing can happen between us, so why does it bother me so much?
He’ s Jared ’s dad and almost twenty years older than me. I let out a long breath and sink further into the cushion. My leg brushes Noah’s, and he takes a sharp breath.
He doesn’t say anything, but I feel him pull away. Ignoring the sting of rejection, I grab a throw pillow and lay down with my head on the opposite end of the couch. I cover up with the blanket. I try to straighten my legs, but he’s in the way, and my foot brushes his thigh.
“Sorry!” I say, tucking my legs away from him.
He looks down at me, his eyes soft.
“It’ s fine, ” he sighs, picking up my feet and laying them in his lap.
As we watch the movie, his thumb traces lazy circles on the arch of my foot. I’m not sure he even realizes he’s doing it, but it feels incredible, so I don’t say anything. I don’t want him to stop.