Chapter 29 #2
Her thumbs hovered over the screen. There were probably half a million words in the English language and none of them conveyed the deep pain and wild joy warring in Vivian’s body. She didn’t know how to say more, how to convey a gratitude so intense it had altered her DNA, so she didn’t.
Instead, she slipped her phone into her clutch and held it together until she was back at the hotel. Until she’d torn off her clothes and shoved everything into her suitcases because she was a coward and she needed to run.
All of her bags were packed when the knock came at her door. She’d changed into jeans and a sweater but hadn’t lost time washing the shit off her hair and face. Caught between Taylor and del Castillo, she just needed to get the hell home.
She opened the door, expecting to find the porter waiting to take her luggage down to the car that would spirit her to the airport. Instead, she found Bryn with her jacket folded over her arm, and her shirt untucked, and her devastated expression.
“Vivian,” she said, voice full of spider cracks that shattered the ice protecting Vivian’s heart. “What are you doing?” She looked at the bags. “Why are you leaving?”
Jaw snapping open and closed, Vivian didn’t know how to respond.
“Ms. del Castillo?” A young man in a branded polo appeared behind Bryn with a luggage cart. “I’m here for your things.”
“Thank you,” Vivian managed. “Yes. Here—”
“No,” Bryn snapped. “What the hell are you doing? You can’t leave.”
“Bryn—”
“I’ll come back,” the porter said, practiced in the art of disappearing.
“No.” Vivian rolled one massive suitcase into the hallway and then the other. “Please, take these. I’ll be down in a minute.”
“Vivian.” Bryn moved out of the way so the man could take the bags. “You can’t leave,” she repeated, despite being obviously wrong. Not only could Vivian leave, but she’d be home before sunrise.
“Let’s talk inside,” Vivian said when the cart was squeaking its way down the hall.
“Are you mad because I froze?” Bryn asked when the door closed behind her, eyes wide and bottom lip trembling. “If I embarrassed you—”
“Bryn, no.” Vivian took both of Bryn’s hands in hers. “I’m so fucking proud of you. You have no idea—”
“Then give me an idea,” Bryn pleaded. “Did something happen at the awards?” She was so frantic. So desperate for the truth, it felt cruel to keep it from her. Even if all Vivian had tried to do was end things cleanly.
“Absolutely not. Nothing to do with the awards—”
“But there is something. Since this morning you’ve been so distant. So… I don’t know… unlike yourself. So cold and closed off.”
Vivian might have laughed if she wasn’t fighting every urge to cry. In her life, no one had ever accused her of uncharacteristic standoffishness. Her ex-partner might have rolled on the actual floor in hysterics at the reversal.
“I know, and I’m—”
“You know?” Bryn searched Vivian’s blank face for answers. “Then why did you tell me nothing was wrong earlier? What did I do?”
The question was a hard, cold slap across the face. Vivian let go of Bryn’s hands, but only because she feared what she might do if she continued touching her. Feared that she’d be too weak to protect Bryn from herself.
“You didn’t do anything,” Vivian promised.
Bryn wiped away tears like she was angry they’d shown up.
“Then just tell me what’s wrong,” she begged.
“Because right now all you’re leaving me with is this—this—this feeling like you got what you wanted from me and now you’re leaving without even saying goodbye.
” Her voice cracked like a baseball bat slamming into Vivian’s unprepared knees. “Like you used me.”
“Oh my God, Bryn.” Vivian rushed forward and clutched Bryn hard against her chest. “That’s not it at all. I’m so sorry if—that I made you feel that way.” The tears came and she didn’t stop to catch them. “I’m so sorry, I would never—”
“You did.”
“I’m sorry,” she promised, hugging Bryn hard enough to snap her in half. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Bryn relaxed against her, and when neither of them was crying anymore Vivian led them to sit at the edge of the bed.
“I am sorry,” Vivian said again, but the more she used the term, the more inadequate it became. “This time we’ve spent together. With you…” She dropped her gaze to her hands clenched in her lap. “It’s been the most beautiful experience of my life.”
She wanted to laugh, bitter and dry, because it was the most pathetic admission she’d ever uttered.
But everything made her eyes water. Made her chest heave.
Made her want to tear out her own heart so she didn’t have to keep feeling everything so fucking much that it was excruciating.
A cruel way to learn how much easier it had been when everything was distant and muted.
“Why are you saying it like that?” Bryn’s voice couldn’t stop breaking, and neither could Vivian’s heart.
“It’s… I’m… We are not something happening outside of you.
” She wiped her eyes again, obviously frustrated.
“We spent this time together. It’s not something you can compartmentalize.
That you can just leave here. That you can discard.
You lived this. We lived it. And Vivian, it doesn’t have to end. ”
Vivian forced herself to look at Bryn. At the damage she’d done.
This happened every time she tried. Tears and disappointment and so many beautiful things broken.
She wanted her time with Bryn to exist like a moment trapped in amber.
Perfect and untouchable. Suspended forever, its tenderness preserved.
Safe from the wear of time. But she’d failed at that too.
“This isn’t how I intended for this to go,” Vivian admitted uselessly.
“Why did I make you feel like you couldn’t talk to me?” The pain in Bryn’s eyes was crushing, but Vivian forced herself not to look away. She had to look. To remember this the next time she was delusional enough to think she could have anything good.
“It’s not like that—”
“Then tell me what it’s like,” Bryn begged. “If all you wanted was to sleep with me—”
“It’s not all I wanted.” Vivian moved closer, nauseated that she’d made Bryn feel like an object.
“But when I realized it was all I had to offer… it was too late.” Her eyes burned with the truth.
She didn’t deserve Bryn’s gentle touch when she dried her tears, but she took it like the weak, greedy monster she was.
“Do you really believe that?” Bryn asked gently, thumb still rubbing Vivian’s cheek without the excuse of a task. “You really believe that sex is all you have to give?”
The question, like everything about Bryn, was so earnest. So real. Vivian couldn’t deflect it. Couldn’t deny it. All she had was a miserable little shrug. Of course that’s all she was. A body. A prize.
“Vivian.” Bryn cradled her face in both hands and forced her to look her in the eye when she said, “I like you so much.”
“Why?”
“What?”
“Why?” Vivian covered Bryn’s hands with hers and brought them down to her lap.
“I’m not right for you, Bryn.” The truth was a nauseating lash that burned the back of Vivian’s throat along with the intense desire to vomit.
“And I wish that wasn’t the case, because you are truly singular.
But you’re on your way up and I’m only heading down.
We might be meeting in the middle right now, but we’re on completely different trajectories. I am not going to hold you back.”
“Don’t I get a say in this? Why do you get to decide unilaterally what happens between us?”
Bryn’s face was so flushed and she’d wiped away so much makeup that her freckles were breaking through. Vivian would take that with her too. Would keep it as an omen that no matter what fame had in store for Bryn, she’d always know herself. Always be herself.
“There’s so much you don’t understand yet—”
“Don’t infantilize me, Vivian. You’ve never done that before and you’re not going to start now.”
“I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant.” Vivian closed her burning eyes and started again. “But I have a lot more experience than you in work, in life. Trust me, I know this hurts now, but it’s for the best.”
“Best for who?” Bryn asked in a voice so small, so broken, Vivian would never forget it.
“Because this isn’t what I want.” She didn’t slow down even as the tears sped up.
“You’re scared, and believe me, I understand that.
I’m not afraid but I haven’t been through half of what you have.
I see you, Vivian. I do,” she said with a conviction that Vivian believed.
“And what I see is a terrified person running away from what scares her most. From the prospect of opening yourself up to something real because you think you don’t deserve it.
” Bryn shook her head and Vivian knew with revolting certainty that Bryn had resigned herself to the end.
“But don’t lie to me, and more importantly, don’t lie to yourself.
You’re not protecting me, Vivian. You’re protecting yourself. ”
Bryn stood and Vivian wanted to stand too. To stop her before she made it to the door. To admit that she was fucking terrified, but a small, stupid part of her wanted to try even when everything about them spelled disaster on paper.
But she couldn’t move. Couldn’t speak. Couldn’t do anything but watch the best thing that ever happened to her walk away at her behest.