51. Maggie
51
maggie
My heart is light and fizzy. I’m like a freshly poured fountain drink oozing with bubbles and possibilities of where the caffeine will take me. I want it all so badly but there’s no way I’m going to have him make that decision again. I didn’t fight for him when I was seventeen. I didn’t know how. But I’m not seventeen any longer and I won’t let my happiness be taken hostage again. I’m not a bargaining chip for him to be manipulated. I took it all lying down and let it happen. Not again. I almost let it all roll over me and determine my worth and my life again. I say to no one, “Can you believe that? I was going to let a fourteen-year-old control this situation because the Vice President of the United States has done such a number on Colt.”
I look out for parking and find a spot near Chiara and Gus’ trattoria.
I keep talking to myself. “No. I don’t want to play pickleball, Kevin. And to be honest, I hated it to begin with. It’s smash ball not tennis. No art, simply smashing and breathing heavy. No, thank you. Smashing, breathing heavily, and bigger balls. Okay, now I see the appeal for Kevin.”
Colt makes me a better person, and I know I do that for him. I never stood up for myself, until the throuple, and then today. The girls don’t have to like me. Ouch, that hurts because I like people to like me, but this time it doesn’t matter so much. If the choice is to be liked or get to have him. I choose him. But first, she needs to know I choose her too.
I round the corner and I see her sucking on an Orangina soda and biting into a sandwich. She stretches out and lifts her face to the sun. Her dark locks fall behind her as if capturing all the bright light and holding it. There’s almost natural purple highlights created by the Tuscan sun. I sit across from her on a bench and wait for her to notice me.
She squints into the sun, and I put my hand up to say hello.
“Fuck,” she says as I snap a picture and text Colt.
“You don’t need to use that language, but I get the sentiment. Your father is freaking out, and that’s not fair to him.”
She sits up and scoots back, bracing her body on the fountain with the carved geese. The one I brought her to before I knew her mom was Gemma. Seriously, who the fuck likes geese?
“Okay. Let’s do this. Let’s leave it all out here with the goose queen in attendance.” I salute the geese and turn my face back to her stubborn daughter.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” She crosses her arms.
“How about nothing? You’ve said quite enough today.”
“What?” She looks stunned that I’d speak to her like that. If I’m in this, then I can be her friend but also, I’m not.
“Drop the attitude. I know you’re hurting.”
I lean forward and rest my arms on my knees. “I’m big on communication. So, let’s talk this through with your mom here.” I gesture to the fountain and her lip twitches just a little. “But I’ve taught girls your age. I’ve been a girl your age. And your dad won’t say it, but I have a hunch your mom would tell you to knock all of this off. Your father doesn’t because he doesn’t know if it’s grief, hormones, overstepping, or which way is up right now. Knock it off.”
I get a small smirk from her.
“Daisy, I don’t know what it’s like to lose a parent, especially when you still need them. I’m sure it sucks. But sometimes the world sucks, and you hope kids don’t find that out too early. I’m going to tell you a few things that have sucked for me in my life. You know about my cheating husband, not details and you don’t get them because you’re too young. But let’s talk about your lucky mom.”
“Lucky? She’s dead.”
“But she had fourteen years with you and your dad. And eight years with Sloane.” My eyes fill, and I’m so sick of falling apart. Daisy breathes in, and I blubber out the next sentence. “I don’t want to be her. But I let your dad go so he could be yours and hers. I think you suspected as much, but that’s the truth and I promised to always tell you the truth.” And my largest secret hisses out and lies between us. I sit up and lean back, owning this piece of it.
“The break up that wasn’t a break up?” She pulls her knees up and rocks just a little as if she’s going to get up but doesn’t.
“You must know they were young when they had you?”
“Yes. They joked and called me their happy accident.”
“And you are. You’re the happiest accident for them and for me. You’re the very best kind of happy. I hold nothing but regard and affection for you and Sloane. But your dad and I fell madly in forever love in Paris after he broke up with your mom. And then he broke up with me to have you.”
Her mouth drops as I pour light over a story that’s been in the shadows too long. Nothing to be done about it now, so why keep it hidden? I won’t mention her grandfather’s role in all of this because that’s not my part of the story.
“Why didn’t my mom or dad ever tell me that?”
“Well, your dad probably was honoring your mom’s wishes but as you said, she’s not here and this is my story to tell.”
Daisy picks up her garbage, and I go on the balls of my feet in case there’s a chase about to happen. But thankfully, she sits on the edge of the fountain. I put up a finger and pull out my phone again.
Maggie: Stay there.
Colt: Thank god. And I’m going to kill her.
Maggie: Understood.
“Tell me.” She swings her left foot back and forth a little.
“Like I said, we fell in forever love. Nothing will ever compare in my life to how I felt about your dad and when your mom told him she was pregnant, he had no choice but to marry her. He wanted to be there for you. They weren’t together when she found out, but they were when she got pregnant.”
“People have kids all the time separately. He didn’t have to marry her. He didn’t love her, did he?”
“That’s a conversation to have with your father. Love comes in all kinds of forms. But I do know that he loves the part of her that lives in you.”
“If he did love her, it wasn’t as much as he loved you?”
“I once promised you I’d never lie to you. No. He could never love her as much as he loved me. It tore me up for a long time.”.
“I think it tore Daddy up too.”
“Lady Daisyfeld, that’s your father’s part to tell you. All I’ll say is that it was all for the greater good.”
“Ugh. That phrase.” We sit back and let it all wash over us. Then I see her face brighten with a deeper understanding. She raises her head to me, and I see the recognition. “Holy shit. Grandpa. He made him marry her.”
“Clever girl.” The rest of that story is for Colt to tell his daughters if he chooses. I know it was Gemma’s plot to keep him as well as be a political figure’s wife, but she never needs to know that. I’m not one to speak ill of the dead. Only my mongoose knows I hate Gemma, but still pray she’s at peace.
She shakes her head. “I told him to stay away from you.”
“So, I’ve heard.”
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.”
“Here’s a secret. No one does.” I say and sit back a little confident she won’t run.
“And now you’re here? You came to find me after I was horrible.” She gets up and walks over to the bench, debating whether to sit down or not. I don’t make any big gestures so I don’t scare her off like a squirrel.
“I’m here to tell you two things. One is that I adore you and your sister very much, and my life is infinitely better with you in it. And two, I’m sorry, but it’s out of your hands. I held faith and space in my life for the one person who was meant to be at my side. And you get to go off and have any life you choose to build in four years, but I’m done waiting to build mine.”
“This is a lot. I mean a lot. I’m sorry. I told him to never see you again.”
“And he did try to do that. It’s okay.” She slides onto the bench, and I turn to face her. She’s still looking straight ahead. I want to take her hand but I don’t. “It’s okay because he turned it all around, came running back and told me he loves me.” She sucks her lip into her mouth and finally turns to lock eyes with mine.
“Daisy, I didn’t say it back because I wanted you to know first, before I run into his arms and never leave, that I love him. I loved him even as he left to go be your dad. I loved him when I was married to someone else. And I loved him in the darkness of being alone and lost and in the joy of figuring it all out. He’s the only constant in my life, and it’s time I got to live it. You can feel any kind of way you want about it. But for the first time in my life, I’m fighting for the one thing I need more than anything else. And the really cool thing is that you’re both there too.”
“Okay.” Is all she says, but I’m not done.
“You have to stop playing that guilt card to get him to do what you want.” I raise my eyebrows at her. Tears streaming down her face. I hand her an errant napkin and she blows her nose. “Daisy, you can miss her and be happy for your dad. Learn from our mistakes, live the life you want. I’d love to help you with that.”
There’s a long pause and she shuffles her feet and looks at me.
“Daisy, he gets to choose. But you should know he did break up with me today for you. And it was awful for both of us.”
“Then how are you here?”
“We were broken up for twenty minutes.”
“And it was awful?”
“It was a tough twenty minutes. Don’t underestimate how your life can change in a second. And this was like…” I try to do the math in my head.
Daisy offers, “1200 seconds.”
“That seems too short.”
“My math is right.”
“Doesn’t seem right.”
“Aren’t you a teacher?”
“Not math.”
“Trust me.”
There’s a pause and I look at her. I take her hand and say, “I do.”
She squeezes it and my phone pings as I guide her to my car.
Colt: Where are you? Please bring my daughter to me or I can bring myself to you.
Maggie: I’m bringing her home now.
Maggie: I mean I’m bringing her to your home.
I shove my phone in my pocket as Daisy gets in the passenger seat.
“You know?”
I pull into traffic.
“What?”
“I saw him sneak out of your room in Paris.”
“Is that what this is about? He needed a melatonin gummy and knew that I had them. Simple.” I do not even believe the shit coming out of my mouth. And then I laugh, remembering my promise. She wags a finger at me. “Yes, he did sneak out.”
“Thank you for being honest. But it was a bit triggering.”
“We wouldn’t want to trigger you with happiness. I’ll try not to let it happen again.”
“I’m sorry I hid.”
“Don’t tell me. Tell him. Because your dad is both terrified and pissed off. He was worried for all the places and things that could happen to the most important thing in his life.” She smiles. “You are, you know. As much as that man loves me, I’ll always be second to you and your sister.”
There’s a long pause and she considers. She puts her giant lady feet up on the dash and squirms to get comfortable.
“Can it be a tie?”
I grin, “I hope so.”
A burst of laughter erupts from her and I wait for her to explain. “You didn’t vote for my grandpa, did you?”
Now, I laugh. “Nope.”
She turns in her seat, staring at me. The tension in her body and voice dissipating and finding its way out the cracked window. “It’s okay.” Her voice is small.
I turn onto their street and see him push his hair back from his face as he’s pacing and staring at his phone.
“What is, Daisyfeld?”
“If you want to love him.” And that last string of taut air snaps and instead of stinging like a rubber band, it wraps itself around both of us and suddenly, I feel a bit of forever.
“Oh, thank you, sweetie. But it’s not a choice of want. It just is. I simply wanted to tell you first before I confirmed this with him. But don’t run away from anything. Face it. And if I can, I’ll be there to catch you when you fall. If your father hasn’t already scooped you up.”
“What you’re saying is that if you love him and he loves you, I can still love my mom.”
“Yeah. Duh. In fact, if you want, we can go visit that ridiculous goose fountain anytime you need. Your mom will always be your mom. Again, I hope to come in a close second.” I wait for her to ask if there can be another tie but she doesn’t. Someday maybe, but not today.
She nods. “Can I meet your mongoose?”
“I haven’t ever seen him, but sure. But we might need rabies shots after, no clue if that thing would bite us.”
We both laugh as I slow the car, and Colt runs toward us. Daisy hops out and into his arms. I wave and drive away. Now’s not the time to inform him our fate has been sealed.