Twenty-Eight
Annalise
Empty. Hollow. Strange.
Those were the only words I could think of to describe how I felt. Our big celebration Friday night had been a blast. And then, I'd spent the weekend with my sisters, well, mostly Astrid. But Aria had joined us Sunday afternoon for a girls' day of shopping and dinner out.
But with all of that, with everyone around me then and now at work, something was missing. And I hated to even think it.
Seeing the empty desk beside me was so weird.
An email had gone out first thing Monday morning from Nina in HR, explaining that Jared had to take a personal leave and wasn't sure when he'd be back. Of course, everyone asked me about it, and I hated lying to them. But I kept it as simple as possible, saying that I didn't know any more than Nina did.
And eventually, things quieted down.
I had a ton of work to do now that Venus had agreed. So I put my head down and got busy, determined to enjoy the silence next to me.
And I worked. And worked. And worked, sent out emails, made phone calls, talked to an author, reviewed some edits, approved a cover.
I knocked out the work all fucking day. The peace and quiet was incredible.
Until suddenly it wasn't.
At the end of the day, I looked to my left to find... nothing. Just absolute silence.
And it hit me like a freight train. I hated it.
A wave of emotion washed through me. And I hated that even more.
I hadn't heard from Max all weekend. When I'd arrived home on Friday night, beyond exhausted, I'd searched online to see if I could figure out where he'd been. He wasn't active on social media beyond Echelon stuff. But I knew who his friends were, so I'd checked out their pages.
But I came away completely empty.
For a split second, I even entertained the idea of asking Ethan to do his magic and cyber stalk the man. But... that was probably taking it too far.
Of course, I could just text him. But something held me back.
Whatever it was, it stuck around for almost two whole weeks. Nothing from Max. Nothing. Not a single word. I could hardly believe it.
By the following Thursday, I was ready to explode. Or curl up in a ball and sleep forever. One of the two.
Day after empty day, all work, no play, no fun, no laughter, barely a smile. I was like a robot just going through the motions.
Mona stopped by my desk on her way out. "Hey, you okay?"
"Yeah. Great. Got the ghostwriter all set for Venus, and she's already started."
"Oh, that's great news!"
"Yeah, thanks."
"Then why do you seem so sad?"
"Me? Sad? I'm not sad. Not sad at all. Never been happier."
She raised a single brow. "Methinks thou—"
"Nooo. Don't say it."
After slamming my laptop shut, she put out a hand to me. "Come on. We're going out for a drink right now."
"Hey, I was working on something."
"It can wait until tomorrow. I'm not taking no for an answer."
"Sheesh. Stubborn much?"
Not saying anything, she merely looked at me, pursing her lips, playing the silent game.
"Okay. Fine," I huffed, gathering my stuff. After all, I did need a break. All I'd done was work lately, and my life was quickly becoming exceedingly dull. "Where to?"
It didn't take long until we were seated at a narrow table in the corner of a cozy, dimly lit bar in the East Village, a place we'd frequented often in the past. Since it was a Thursday night, it wasn't too crowded, but there was a pleasant buzz around us as the after-work crowd trickled in, men loosening ties and rolling up their sleeves.
Normally, that sight might have done something for me, the sight of forearm porn everywhere I looked. But not anymore. There was only one set of forearms I wanted to see right now.
Thanks a lot, Max fucking Sterling.
"Why the sour face? Is your old-fashioned too weak?" Mona asked.
"No."
"Too strong then?"
"No. It's fine."
I sighed, eyeing a waiter approaching our table with our flatbread pizzas. This would be so much easier if I could tell her everything. With each passing day, living this double life became increasingly more difficult.
Obviously, I'd confided in my sisters. They knew everything. But they hadn't exactly given me their thoughts about what I should do, Aria so busy with Ethan and her job, and Astrid preoccupied with fall fashion week.
Once we'd thanked the waiter, we started eating, the food delicious as always, but I wasn't very hungry. So I just nibbled a little bit here and there, wondering if the hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach would ever go away.
"Oh, my God, would you just tell me what's wrong?" Mona said, uncharacteristically snippy with me. "I know it has something to do with Jared. So you might as well tell me. Did he ghost you?"
Again, I released an epic sigh. "Yes. No," I amended before taking a large swig of my drink.
Staring at me tight-lipped, she said, "Well?"
What would be the harm in telling her about Jared/Max? I already knew from past experience that Mona could be trusted to keep a secret. Besides, even if it did get out somehow, it wasn't like he could be fired or anything for his subterfuge.
In a split second decision that I could someday regret, I made the rash conclusion to tell Mona the truth.
After making a quick sweep of the nearby patrons and deeming none of them a potential threat, I leaned in closer to her. "Okay. I'm going to tell you. But you have to promise that you won't tell another soul. Ever. Promise?"
Her eyes widened, and her face brightened, wearing that eager expression that surfaced when someone was about to hear the juiciest gossip. "I absolutely promise."
I gave her a stern look to emphasize how serious I was, then leaned in even more, dropping my voice to a whisper. "Jared Jawline isn't who you think he is."
Furrowing her brows, she whispered back, "He's not?"
"No." One more look at the people seated closest to us, but they were deep in conversation as well. "Jared Jawline is in fact... Max fucking Sterling."
She blinked in shock. "What? No. What are you even saying?"
"He was doing the whole undercover boss thing."
"Oh. My. God."
Giving her some space and time to process, I leaned away and began to eat my pizza, my appetite suddenly roaring to life. "Right?" I said around a mouthful.
But she didn't answer, instead searching hurriedly on her phone. Of course she would instantly look up a picture of Max and do a mental comparison. That would be the first thing anyone would do under the circumstances.
And doing exactly what I had done weeks ago, I also knew what her next thought would be... how could we not have noticed? How? In hindsight, it was so obvious.
Several minutes later and several bites later, she finally glanced up from her phone, her expression a mixture of confusion and astonishment. "How the hell did we not see this from the get-go? I just don't get it."
"Believe me, I've thought about that a lot. And I think it's just that you..." How to explain it? "It's that you kind of automatically believe what's presented to you. We just naturally trust the image someone puts out there. We see what we want to see, kind of. And now that we know, it's so blatantly obvious."
"I guess." She took a long sip of her drink. "How long have you known?"
"Right after the retreat."
Her face fell. "So wait a minute. You hooked up with him during the retreat not knowing he was Max Sterling?"
"Yes, ma'am. I sure did."
"He didn't fucking tell you?"
"No, he didn't. He was going to, though. Asked me out on a date and everything." For some reason, I felt the need to defend him. "But, well, I found out before he had the chance to tell me."
"Wow. Fuck. My mind is blown. Absolutely blown." She suddenly gasped, clasping her hand over her mouth. "Oh, my God, please tell me I didn't say or do anything stupid in front of him as Jared. Did I?"
I lost her for a moment as she disappeared into the recesses of her mind, probably recalling every interaction they'd ever had. But I could easily spare her the agony.
"Actually, Mona, you were really nice to him, inviting him out to karaoke when I was being a total bitch to him. Remember?"
She nodded, eyeing me cautiously.
"Trust me," I continued, "he loved you. He loved everyone at Insight actually. Inside, he's really just a big teddy bear."
"Max Sterling is a teddy bear?"
"Yeah, he is..." Oh, shit. My voice had become all soft and gushy. Maybe Mona hadn't noticed.
But of course she had, her gaze sharpening on me. I took another bite of pizza, washing it down with some ice water, hoping she'd let it slide.
"You really like him, don't you?" she asked.
So much for that. " Liked him. Liked, past tense."
"Oh, please. You can't just turn it on and off like that."
There was no denying that, and there was no point in trying. Not with Mona. She knew me too well.
An unexpected pang of guilt shot through me because I realized she knew Cordelia. Not really me. I'd been lying to her for so long, I was starting to believe it myself.
God, what a fucking mess.
That was it. I needed to come completely clean with her, tell her the truth about absolutely everything so she could see the full picture. The only thing was I had no idea how she'd react to my confession about me . Max was one thing, but this was way more personal. I'd been deceiving her the whole time I'd known her, and that was for sure going to hurt.
But it was a risk I needed to take.
"Aaaand there's something else you need to know," I ventured to say.
She nearly spit out her drink. "What? There's more? Is Veronica secretly a spy from another country? Maybe James from accounting is a superhero. Or maybe you're really a princess in Luxembourg. Is that it? You're an undercover princess?"
And now it was my turn to nearly choke. "Not quite. But you're kind of on the right track about me."
Her eyes bugged out of her face. "You're fucking undercover too?"
"Um, would you hate me forever if I said yes?"
"Um, no. I'd be very curious as to why, though."
I explained everything to her, my real name, my whole reasoning, and she hung on my every word, listening intently while I prayed she understood. And when I was finally done, she shook her head.
"I'm still processing. I mean, one person undercover is hard enough to believe, but two? That's just... if I were reading it in a novel, I'd just have a hard time buying it, you know? That's asking for a whole lot of suspension of disbelief."
"I know. I get it. It's absolutely wild." I locked eyes with her, imploring her with my gaze to still be my friend. "But I hope you can believe me when I tell you how sorry I am that I lied to you. I went into it only thinking about the career aspect and proving myself, never expecting to make such an amazing friend."
She looked at me for a long moment, before sighing. "It's okay. It's just really, really weird. I guess this is why you've never invited me over to your place, isn't it?"
I nodded.
"I thought you had roaches or rats or something," she admitted with a smile. "And instead, you probably live in a penthouse suite."
"No, not a penthouse. Not even close."
She finished her last bite of pizza, the wheels clearly turning in her head as she ate, then glanced at me again. "So what are you going to do now?"
"That's just it. I don't really know. I never thought it through this far. And now, I just have no idea what to do."
Shaking her head once more, she reached for the dessert menu. "We need sweets to figure this all out."
"Agreed. Maybe one of everything." I grabbed the little drink menu while she looked over the desserts. "And more to drink too. We need to brainstorm."
She laughed. "Yes. More, more, more. Because I do know one thing."
"What's that?"
"You're paying for all this, little miss rich girl."
Any remaining tension melted away as we both laughed and gratitude flooded me that she'd taken my big lie in stride. Now if I could just figure out how to proceed with the rest of my life, I'd be all set. But that probably wouldn't be as easy.
Oh, who was I kidding? It definitely wouldn't be as easy.