Chapter 21
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
The next few days were hard. Not spending time with Laryn and her fellow mechanics in the hangar on the naval base, but the not knowing.
The waiting. Every day that went by felt like an eternity.
Where was Blair? What was she doing? How was Bibi?
Amanda had more questions than answers, and it was maddening.
Last night, she’d been so on edge, Nash decided she needed several orgasms to let out some of the tension she carried. By the time he was through with her, she was a limp noodle and didn’t have any thoughts in her head except for the man who’d brought her such pleasure.
She was able to rouse enough to return the favor though, going down on him for the first time.
Amanda loved the feeling of power it had given her, especially now, when she felt as if she had no control over her life.
Watching Nash put his pleasure in her hands—and mouth—had given her back a sense of control she hadn’t felt for quite a while. She loved him for that.
No, that wasn’t true…she loved Nash because of the man he was. He’d proven to her time and time again that she could count on him. That he wouldn’t let her down. That he was there for her. How could she not love him?
But she wasn’t ready to say the words out loud, afraid she’d jinx things.
After all, they were still in the middle of a crisis.
Maybe it wasn’t as intense as when they were in the jungle, but there was no clear end to whatever was happening.
And until she didn’t have to have a bodyguard, as Tex had put it, she wasn’t going to put any more pressure on Nash than he already had on his wide, capable shoulders.
This morning, however, her stress returned, since they had no more information about Blair’s whereabouts than they did a few days ago.
It didn’t help that there was tension in the hangar.
Currently, Amanda was watching Laryn argue with one of her mechanics over something they were doing to the helicopter she was retrofitting for Casper.
Apparently it wasn’t the first time she’d had to do it in a very short amount of time, and she had no patience for the newer mechanics who thought they knew better than her.
Rain was lying at Amanda’s feet as she sat on a surprisingly comfortable easy chair someone had brought into the hangar the second day she was there. She had no idea where it came from, but she assumed Nash had made arrangements for the more comfortable place for her to hang out all day.
The dog had been as good as gold. Not making a peep and not leaving her side.
He didn’t sleep, but kept his gaze locked on everyone who made their way close to her.
For a dog who’d had a horrible life, he’d turned into an amazingly well-behaved animal who adored Amanda, and who was loved just as much in return.
As she was sitting there, bored out of her mind but determined not to let on—because after all, everyone was doing her a favor by letting her hang out in the first place—Amanda was surprised to see Nash enter the hangar and make his way toward her.
But he wasn’t smiling. He had a serious look on his face that didn’t bode well for whatever reason was behind his visit.
Amanda tensed, hated that she felt that way upon seeing the man she loved. She couldn’t wait for the time when she could be happy and excited by a surprise visit, rather than worried about what was wrong now.
“What is it? Has Tex found them?” she asked, standing as he got close.
Rain got up to greet Nash, and he gave him a quick but distracted pet before closing the distance between himself and Amanda.
“He found Bibi.”
“Really? Where is she? Is she okay? Can we go see her?”
But Nash shook his head slowly, frowning solemnly.
“She’s dead, Mandy,” he said quietly. “I’m so sorry.”
It took a moment for the words to sink in.
“What?”
“A little girl’s body was found in a park in North Carolina, not too far from the border of Virginia.
She was malnourished, had bruises all over her body, and the coroner believes she died of exposure.
That was four days ago. There was no identification on her, so nobody knew who she was.
Tex found the report and had his suspicions.
He sent in a picture from her file at the orphanage. It’s her.”
For long seconds, Amanda felt numb. Her mind and body utterly detached from this moment. Then she closed her eyes, the news sinking in slowly.
The little girl she’d wanted to be her daughter—the beautiful, smart, kind, precious child she’d gotten to know—would never grow up. Would never experience the many joys there were in life. Graduations, her first job, first crushes…love.
Amanda’s heart shattered.
The first sob took her by surprise, but once the dam was broken, there was no stopping it. The tears came hard and fast, pouring down her cheeks like a faucet had suddenly been turned on full blast.
It wasn’t fair! Not Bibi. Not that precious little girl…
Nash enveloped her in his embrace, and Amanda collapsed against him, grateful for the comfort he was offering.
She buried her head in his shoulder and closed her eyes tightly.
That didn’t stop the tears though. They came just as fast, soaking Nash’s shirt and skin.
Bathing him with her despair, her sorrow.
But she kept her eyes squeezed shut. Maybe if she could block everything out, this wouldn’t be happening. Nash’s words wouldn’t be true.
“Why?” she eventually whispered between sobs. “Why?! If Blair wanted her so much, why would she do that to her?”
“I don’t know,” Nash said gently. “But if I had to guess…Blair had no idea what she was doing. If she’s in the middle of a mental crisis, she probably can’t take care of herself, let alone a child.
I’m not making excuses for her, because there is no excuse for something like this, but just…
trying to make sense of how this could’ve happened. ”
Amanda felt as if she were watching their drama from above. As if she were having an out-of-body experience. All she wanted to do was go to sleep. Then she wouldn’t have to think about this awful news. About the fact that she’d never see Bibi again. Never hear her laugh. Never hold her little hand…
“Can we get her?” she managed to ask. “I can’t stand the idea of her being in a cold morgue by herself.”
“Tex is already working on that. If possible, we’ll get her transferred here, and we’ll have a service for her.”
“I want to h-have her cremated,” Mandy said with a hitch in her voice.
“I brought a kite with me from the States, when I went to Guyana, and she was so fascinated by it. How the wind could carry it so high in the sky…and the way it danced.” Her voice softened, and fresh tears spilled over her cheeks.
“She skipped around in a field of dirt behind the school, laughing and turning in circles with her arms open, watching the kite. That’s how I want to remember her, Nash.
Laughing and flying free. Not buried deep in the ground. ”
“Then that’s what we’ll do,” he said quietly.
Amanda stayed where she was, curled up against his chest, as memories of little Bibi swam through her head. Anger mixed in with her sorrow. This was so damn unfair! She’d had such a tragic short life. She should’ve had the chance to fly herself. Make a difference in the world.
She had no idea how long she cried on Nash’s shoulder, but he held her tightly the entire time. Letting her have her mini break-down without interference.
After a while, when she’d gotten control over her tears somewhat, something occurred to her suddenly. She lifted her head and looked at Nash in horror. “This was my fault,” she whispered. “If I hadn’t told Blair that I wanted to adopt—”
“No,” Nash said forcefully. “Do not take this on your shoulders. This is in no way your fault. It’s Blair’s. No one else’s.”
“But—”
“Don’t,” Nash interrupted her again. “I mean it, Mandy. Loving a child is never a bad thing. What happened is entirely on Blair. Period. Full stop.”
For the first time since hearing the news about Bibi, Amanda studied the man she was clutching as if he was the only thing keeping her from floating away in a ball of misery.
He looked just as shocked as she felt. And sad.
And the anger reflected in his eyes mirrored her own, as well.
He’d never met little Bibi, had only seen her from afar when they’d returned to the school after getting out of the jungle, but he seemed just as upset as she was.
It was a testament to the kind of man he was. A good man.
“What now?” she whispered, wanting to comfort him the way he was doing for her, but not knowing how.
“We stay vigilant. Blair is on her own now. And North Carolina is way too close to Norfolk for my liking. Since the coroner estimates Bibi died four days ago, Blair could be just about anywhere…most likely here. If she’s had a complete mental breakdown, there’s no telling what she could do.”
“If she’s that bad, how would she be able to think and strategize enough to find me?” Amanda asked.
“I don’t know. But I’m not going to take any chances. Not with your safety. I can’t lose you, Mandy. I can’t.”
“You aren’t going to,” she said softly.
“Damn straight. We’re going to live a long and happy life.
We’ll be old and gray and will walk around holding hands, making people roll their eyes at how ridiculously happy we are.
Maybe we’ll take up cruising as a hobby, see the world from the deck of a boat.
Stuff our faces with food, drink good wine, sleep until noon.
I don’t know. But I want that more than I can express. With you.”
“I want that too,” Amanda whispered.
“Good. So watch your back. Be aware of your surroundings at all times. Trust no one. That last one sucks, but I wouldn’t put it past Blair to hire someone to grab you or hurt you.”
A shiver ran down Amanda’s spine. Never in a million years would she have thought the woman who’d seemed so kind and smart would end up on the run…killing one of the children she’d devoted her life to. And apparently so filled with hate, she was hunting Amanda down. It was unfathomable.
“I’m ready for a more boring life,” she blurted, gazing up at Nash. “I thought my life as a teacher wasn’t that exciting, but now I’d do anything to get that back.”
“You’ll have it. I’ll do whatever it takes to get that back for you.”
He pulled her into his embrace again, and Amanda soaked in the feeling of being cared for, of not being alone during this scary time in her life.
If Nash hadn’t been here for her, hadn’t taken her in, hadn’t used his connections to help find out information about what was happening, she’d be completely clueless.
He was her world, and without him, she’d feel as if she was adrift on a big scary ocean without any oars.
She felt him take a long, deep breath seconds before he pulled back.
“Casper gave me the rest of the day off. I want to take you home. How does a long hot bath sound? You can finish the new book you bought, I’ll make us something to eat, and we can cuddle with Rain on the couch and watch a movie or something. ”
That sounded amazing. But Amanda felt guilty. “I thought you and your team were preparing for a mission?”
Nash shrugged. “We are. But nothing is more important than you and your mental health.”
“I’m not sure Uncle Sam would agree,” she said lightly.
“You just learned some awful news,” Nash replied gently. “Casper knows how that feels. How it feels to have the rug pulled out from under your feet. He’ll deal with the colonel and bring me up to speed on anything I missed.”
“Will you get in trouble with your boss?”
“No. Colonel Burgess is a good man. Tough but fair. He won’t have a problem with me taking the rest of the day off.”
“Okay. What you suggested sounds perfect…although to be honest, I feel pretty lazy just sitting around all day. I’m not used to it.”
“I think it’s time you slowed down a tad. Besides, when you start teaching again, you’ll make up for the downtime you have now, I’m sure.”
He wasn’t wrong. Teaching wasn’t a seven-to-three kind of job. It was all-consuming, at least for her.
Nash kissed her forehead gently, then took her hand. He leaned down and grabbed Rain’s leash and headed for the exit.
Amanda waved at Laryn—who waved back, giving her a concerned look—then focused on nothing but the way Nash’s hand felt in hers.
She was pretty sure later tonight, she’d break down again while thinking about poor little Bibi, about how things had ended for her.
And there’d be many more tears in the days to come.
But right now, she was back to feeling…numb. Disbelieving.
Her life had taken such a strange turn, and it looked like the roller coaster she was on, the one she thought she’d gotten off when she’d exited the jungle, was actually still going full speed. She wanted off, but it didn’t seem that was going to happen anytime soon.
Her only hope was that Blair was found. It was hard to believe, in her mental state, that she’d be able to stay under the radar for so long. Someone had to recognize her soon. If not, it was likely this limbo Amanda was in would continue. And that sucked.
She didn’t even want to think about what would happen if Blair wasn’t found before Nash and his fellow pilots had to leave on the mission they were planning.
A shiver ran through her. She’d never minded being alone before, but now that she’d experienced all that was Nash Chaney…
the way he took care of her, how he’d made himself almost indispensable…
and with Blair still out there, apparently still holding a nasty grudge against her, being alone felt extremely scary.
One day at a time, she told herself. That’s all you have to do. One day, one step at a time.