Chapter 19 #2
Whistling my favorite Bon Jovi song once more, Priest followed me back down into the confessional.
I waved at Malice where he was strapped to the chair, and the eye that wasn’t swollen closed tracked me across the space.
Priest went over to his workbench and unrolled a set of pretty matte black knives.
He got busy sharpening them while I spread the towel under the head of the deceased Iron Raider.
I whistled while I worked, shaving the head of the dead man.
I pursed my lips and tapped my chin with my finger while I deliberated before I decided to shave off his eyebrows and facial hair too.
“What are you doin’ to Joker?” Malice rasped in a broken voice.
“I’m shaving off his hair, obviously. For safety purposes.” I hummed in thought again before turning to Priest. “I don’t need to shave all his hair off, do I? Like…will body hair hurt their tummies?”
Priest kept sharpening his knives but screwed up his expression like he was deliberating. “Nah, I think it’s more about DNA evidence and less about their digestion, but who knows for sure. Long hair definitely has to go, though.”
“Those poor babies, getting the tummy troubles from icky bad biker hair. Not on my watch!” I started running the razor over Joker’s arms. His shirt and jeans had to be cut off so I could get his body hair, but I drew the line at his stained and dirty boxers.
I wasn’t giving Joker a Brazilian, not even for the piggies.
“Wha-what are you talking about? Why are you doing that?” Malice asked, fear causing his scratchy voice to shake.
“We’re getting Joker here ready for feeding time. Don’t worry, though, you’ll get your turn next.”
I finished shaving Joker and set the razor aside, reaching for a pair of pliers.
Now it was time to remove Joker’s teeth.
While Priest had been beating information out of Malice earlier, I had taken a moment to research what pigs could and couldn’t eat.
I didn’t want to be responsible for making Georgia’s piggies sick with non-kosher biker bits!
Turns out, pigs could digest bones, but they couldn’t completely digest human hair or teeth.
Hence Joker’s postmortem makeover. I had a hard time reaching a few of Joker’s molars and had to break his jaw to get his wisdom teeth out.
“Gotcha!” I exclaimed, holding a large wisdom tooth up to show Priest my prize.
“Well done, angel,” Priest praised.
I blushed a bit at the praise and waved him away. “Aw shucks, Priest. I’m just doing my part for the pigs. I can’t wait to meet them.” I stood and stretched before turning my sights on Malice. “Okay, Mal, you’re up.” I turned the electric razor on. “Time for your makeover.”
“Wait! Why are you doing this? Please! I told you everything, please stop!”
I sighed. “Look, I get it. I wouldn’t want my head shaved either. This dye job took forever, and it’d be a shame to see it cut off. But we can’t be cruel to animals. That’s not okay.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Malice looked from Priest to me, getting more hysterical by the second.
“The piggies, duh. They can’t eat your hair or your teeth because it’ll hurt their tummies. So it’s gotta go.”
“Pigs?” he almost screeched. “What fucking pigs? Jesus Christ,” he sobbed.
I patted his head soothingly as I shaved his eyebrows off.
“I know, I didn’t know about the pigs before today, either.
We both learned something! Fun, huh?” I whistled more “Livin’ On a Prayer” as I shaved Malice from the waist up until he looked like one of those naked cats.
Priest had helpfully removed his shirt a while ago, so it didn’t take me as long to shave Mal as it had Joker because I didn’t have to cut any clothing off.
Setting the razor down, I grabbed the pliers and gripped Malice’s jaw, which he jerked away from me in a panic.
I held my hands up. “Look, I didn’t have this on my bingo card today either, buddy.
You’re the one who ruined our breakfast. I’ll tell you what, though.
You tell me what you know, and I’ll wait until after you’re dead to rip your teeth out and feed you to the pigs.
” Crazed eyes shot to Priest, like he could somehow save him.
That got on my nerves because Priest had been the one to torture him all afternoon!
I hadn’t hurt him at all, and had even tried to liven up his torture through the magic of song.
You shave a man’s nipples and tell him about man-eating pigs ONE TIME, and suddenly, you’re worse than the literal torturer.
Typical.
I shook my head in exasperation and grabbed his face, smushing Malice’s lips together with my fingers.
I held up the pliers in my other hand and tapped them to his lips.
“You know more about what Riot has planned with the Callahans. Tell us and I’ll make sure you die quickly with all your teeth.
Don’t, and Priest will pull each tooth out before we deliver you to the piggie palace…
alive. We’ll serve the pigs your severed toes to whet their appetite before they get to the main course.
The last thing you’ll ever see will be the hairs on their chinny chin chins. ”
In the end, Priest didn’t even have to remove a single tooth before Malice told us everything we wanted to know and then some.
Tank and Rook drew the short straws and had to get the bodies prepped for transport to Georgia’s farm after Priest snapped Malice’s neck.
After all, a deal is a deal. Hopefully, the pigs wouldn’t mind less-than-fresh biker bites.