9. Johnny #2
Just then, I pushed her away. This wouldn’t end well—I already liked her too much. I kissed her one more time, just a quick peck.
“Beth,” I said.
“What’s wrong?”
“You have no idea how much I want this, but we can’t.” I couldn’t say that I was already falling for her, so I just left it at that.
She pulled her head back and looked at me, getting that warm flush that I’d grown to love—the one that spread from her breasts up to her freckled cheeks and ears.
“Oh, um, sure. Yeah, you’re right. Let’s just get going.” The woman that had loosened up in front of me under that willow tree shut down. I read it all over her wound-up body.
I embarrassed her—the last thing I’d wanted to do.
But there was no way I could explore. It wouldn’t just be a quick fling with her.
I knew her. I liked her—really liked her.
There was no way that I wouldn’t get hurt, and I had told myself years ago that I wouldn’t put myself through that again. It wasn’t worth it. I couldn’t do it.
Shutting the car door behind her, I walked over to my side, running my hand down my face.
I knew I’d done the right thing, but if that was the case, why did it feel like shit?
I had just finished the inspection of the resort. A local guy that I had become friends with helped me evaluate which properties I should buy.
After looking at each of the little cabins on the resort, he basically gave me the green light.
Sure, there was a lot of work to do still, and I’d eventually update all the cabins.
But from a functional standpoint, almost everything still worked, or would work, with some light effort.
A lot of the items on his checklist that I’d need to do were cosmetic, which was a huge relief.
I had the cash for a down payment and some middle-of-the-road repairs, but I didn’t have the capital to revamp everything from the start.
This would be a huge move in the right direction for where I wanted to take the rental business, and I could feel that low-key excitement tempered with my dread of not wanting to get ahead of myself.
With this business, until it was done, something could still go wrong.
Hell, even when it was done, something would go wrong.
It was just the way it was. But even still, it felt positive to let the bank know we were moving forward on processing.
I was walking around the grounds with my checklist when my phone rang. I pulled it out. It was Ryan.
Man, his ears must be ringing every time I step foot here.
“Howdy ho,” he said.
“Hey, man, it’s good to hear from you,” I said. And it was.
I hadn’t talked with him in a couple weeks.
Ryan and his family were set to come up over July 4th, but after that initial yes, I hadn’t heard more from him.
The more I thought about it, I was really looking forward to having him come up, especially with the positive news on the resort.
I knew my brother was genuinely happy for me.
It’d be good to regroup with each other after not seeing him since Kinsley’s birthday party back in the winter.
“Sorry, I’ve been MIA for a bit. Just wanted to let you know that we’re in for the fourth if you’re good with having us still,” he said.
“Absolutely,” I said, meaning it. “I’ve got a little cottage a couple blocks from town earmarked for you. It’s pretty close to the beach too. I figured we’d just hang out, barbeque, unless you wanted to see more of the sites.”
“That’s perfect. A couple years ago, I would have said yes to the big tour, but now, with Kinsley, we’re moving a bit slower—with a lot more stuff.” He laughed. “I’ll get the details from you later, but I also just wanted to check in, see how you’re doing.”
“Oh,” I said. Even though Ryan and I talked regularly, there was still this unspoken weirdness since I moved here after everything with my dad since they were so close, and my dad and I had been rocky since my divorce.
“Yeah, things are good. I just finished the inspection on the resort. We’re moving forward, which is good news.”
“That’s great, man.” He sounded distracted, like he was talking with someone in the background.
“Everything okay? We can talk later if that’s easier.”
“No, no. Now’s good. I was just curious. You seeing anyone these days?” he asked, his voice holding a hesitant edge to it.
“You know I don’t date anyone seriously.” I took a seat in one of the Adirondack chairs by the fire pit. “Makes it easier.”
“Totally get that.” He was definitely whispering to someone on the other line—probably his wife, Felicia. “Just… It’s been a while since Anne. It’d be great to see you moving past everything.”
I ran my hand down my face. As much as I’d like to think I’d moved past everything, I knew that wasn’t the case.
I needed to prove something—to myself, to my family, to everyone.
That’s why this resort was so important.
It signified that she didn’t break me—that I was worthy, even though I buried the brokenness I still felt.
I needed to protect myself, build something that couldn’t crumble around me.
I did not want to have this conversation with him.
At least it wasn’t face to face though. I didn’t need his sad face looking at me while I burst his bubble.
Sure, he had this great marriage, baby, the whole thing, but it wasn’t for everyone.
Definitely wasn’t for me. I couldn’t imagine putting myself through that again.
“Ryan, I am moving forward,” I huffed out. “I’m building something good up here. I’ll show you around all the properties when you’re here. It’s coming together, just like I planned.”
“I get that. I do.” He paused. “It’s just… I’d hate to see what Anne did to you turn you off from everything else that could be.”
“This isn’t about Anne,” I protested, even though I knew part of it definitely was.
“You sure about that?”
“I have fun when I want. I don’t need anything more though.” I paced back and forth now, feeling my blood pressure rising.
“I didn’t think I was ready either, and look at what’s happened. I had no idea how good things could be before Felicia came into my life. No idea.”
He couldn’t see it, but I was shaking my head.
“No, you have no idea. You go through it—the betrayal, the lies, the belief that everything was moving in the right direction until everything you thought was true explodes and there is nothing you can do about it. It’s not the same thing, and you know it.
I gave it a shot. I thought I had what you have now, and I was wrong. ”
“Okay,” he murmured, pausing for a moment. “Okay, okay. I get it. I’ll stand behind you if you’re not ready.”
I was taken aback. I didn’t know what I expected him to say, but it wasn’t that. I was always on edge waiting for someone to push me over, and here he was just accepting me as I was.
“You know we love you, right? It doesn’t matter how big, or small, you grow this thing. It doesn’t determine what you’re worth or what you’re made of.”
I paused. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t listen to my brother go on about everyone loving me when all I could see was my dad’s face dropping when I let him down. “I’m actually getting another call. Could be the bank. I have to let you go.”
I hung up, the silence louder than the waves crashing up on the beach in front of me.