Chapter 17 Tahoe #2
Her tired eyes meet mine, and I notice her exhaustion.
It reminds me of the probable reason why.
Her baby. “Why am I here?” she asks again.
“Leif told me about your new base. I’m glad you’re switching up your work pace.
Maybe…it will be good for you.” She has no clue.
Leif didn’t tell her anything. My drink arrives, and I swallow down half of the nasty-tasting liquid and wince.
“Still don’t like a gin and tonic either.
Your eyes are awful, by the way. I remember when Smith got a mask squeeze, so I won’t ask how it happened. I’ll just assume the drunken worst.”
Sighing, I look away, trying to compile my thoughts. At least I don’t have to worry about my demon eyes right now. “You’re happy,” I ask.
“Is that a question?” she narrows her eyes at the side of my face. “I’m happy,” she says when I don’t answer. “My life is full. I love my husband and family. I would do the same thing all over again, Tyler. The same exact thing.”
My jaw tics, and I clasp my glass tightly in both of my hands.
Looking at her, I let myself feel the pain from the past. The terror attacks changed everything.
Perhaps that truly is why she wanted to move on from my lifestyle.
Not because of me. Maybe I didn’t do anything horribly wrong. “I’m in love with a woman,” I tell her.
She coughs. A nervous tic because I’ve surprised her. “Oh,” she says. “So this isn’t some attempt to get back together?”
That makes me laugh. “Fuck no, Stella. Fuck. No,” I say. “After what you did?” She looks down and away. She should be ashamed of that fucking email. Of the no contact. Of the years wasted on our commitment to one another.
When she remains silent, it’s my turn to tell her a truth bomb. “I love this woman more than I thought I was capable of.”
Her gaze meets mine, and I see tears shining—the hard facts surfacing.
“Caroline reminds me of you in that one way that I’ve never been able to reconcile.
This isn’t me trying to get back together with a married woman, Stell.
This is me trying to figure out if you’re the one who blew my chances with the only woman I’ve ever truly loved. ”
She raises her brows. “Ouch,” she says, smiling.
“I’m glad you finally see. I’m sad this is what it took for you to realize you didn’t love me in that forever kind of way, though.
” I down the rest of my drink while Stella sips hers, a thoughtful look on her face.
Her eyes are narrowed, actually curious.
She’s relieved now that she knows what this is about.
I grab a cocktail napkin and wipe my face and forearms, breathing deeply.
“You look like shit, by the way,” she adds.
She’s grinning when I meet her eyes. “You made a Tahoe-sized mistake, huh?”
“Go big or go home, baby,” I joke, using a phrase from our past. Her smile is wistful but vanishes quickly. “I need to know if you wanted to be with other men,” I say, lowering my voice. “You know, other than me.”
Her eyes widen, realization dawning. “I didn’t break up with you because I wanted to sample the platter, Tyler.
How could you think that?” she replies, looking left and right, and then meeting my eyes.
“You literally stated, verbatim, why I ended our relationship. I loved you like water. Something required to survive. You couldn’t be bottled.
You slipped right through my fingers.” She pauses, her eyes glossing over.
“Do you understand?” She reaches out, her familiar hand seeking mine.
I put my big one on top of hers. “You never needed me. Not like Harry needs me. Not like the baby needs me. I told you that in the email. It never had anything to do with wanting to try out other men before settling down forever with you. How I wish it could have been you!” She takes a few seconds to compose herself, and it satisfies me in a cruel way to know I can cause her this obvious pain.
“She’s a virgin, like I was?” she asks, pulling her hand back to wrap around her glass.
I put my face in both of my hands and keep my mouth shut. “And you’re afraid that she’s going to run like I did,” Stella says. “To make sure you’re the one. In your selfishness to know you’re the best, you think she can’t decide for herself that you’re the one without having been with other men?”
Groaning, I pick up my head and rub my tired eyes. There’s no need to reply. This is where Stella is successful. I raise one finger to signal for another drink.
“How bad did you blow this, Tahoe?” she asks.
Turning, I look at her. What would it hurt to tell her?
“I can’t look at her without wanting her.
I can’t breathe without smelling her. Every single thing in my body wants her in every single way, and I know I’ll never be able to shake her,” I admit.
“She’s perfect. I’m bound to the town. I bought property.
I did all of these things because I convinced myself I loved Bronze Bay.
When in actuality, I like Bronze Bay. I love Caroline. ”
“And,” Stella prompts. She wants the gory details. The warm and fuzzy facts don’t help anyone. I want her advice, so I have to crack open the dark spots.
“I didn’t know she was a virgin, and I almost fucked her in my truck cab, piss drunk, mind you.
That’s when she dropped the V bomb, and I ghosted her.
I can’t take that from her. I leave destruction in my wake,” I say, letting my gaze flick from the top of Stella’s head down to her waist and back up.
Stella swallows hard. “I never thought I’d be giving you relationship advice,” she says, calmly. “Does she love you? Like you love her?”
I run my hand through my hair. “I think so,” I reply.
She did. Maybe. Before I panicked—self-sabotaged, gave her every reason not to.
“Probably not like I do. She makes me feel crazy. It was going to be perfect,” I say.
“I had it all planned out. This weekend in the city. I knew she was innocent. I did, but I had no clue. Blinded by everything else, I guess.”
Stella shakes her head and reminds me of the story of how she told me she was a virgin. I wanted that back then—thought it was the greatest thing in the world to have a body untouched by any other cock.
“You have a type even if you don’t want to admit it,” she says.
“She’d probably forgive you if you explain that a horrible virgin in your past burned you in the worst possible way.
” I grin,and then down another drink. “Slow down on the drinks, buddy. Sounds like that’s what got you into some of this mess. ”
Nodding, I agree.
“You were forever for me. The feelings weren’t reciprocated,” Stella says sadly.
“I can’t apologize for something I didn’t know,” I say. “Had I never met Caroline, I’d have thought you were it for me too.”
Laughing, she shakes her head. “That is so offensive, but I get it. If it’s real, she’ll understand.
I’m sorry, Tyler. For the email. For a lot of things.
If you can salvage this with her, I feel like none of it will matter.
Everything will work out the way it was supposed to. I’m glad Leif called me.”
So am I. This was needed for so many reasons.
The next drink we share is slow. Stella shows me photos of her baby on her phone, and I tell her about Caroline.
About Bronze Bay. About my home. When her husband calls, we end our meeting, both feeling lighter.
I walk her to the revolving door and follow her out onto the sidewalk.
She turns abruptly and sets her gaze to meet mine. For a fleeting second, I miss our past and everything comfortable we had together. Love isn’t comfortable, though. It’s a painful collapse of walls—a drifting into a place that feels like adventure and home at the same time.
“Keep it,” she says, smiling a familiar smile. “It’s the only thing worth fighting for. Perfection is a mess, Tyler Holiday. Remember that.” She spins on her heel and walks away, her blonde hair getting lost in a sea of meaningless people.
My feet don’t move fast enough as I run through the lobby and back up to my room to make a phone call. Or seven.