Chapter Thirty-Six
Maggie
Was I being a little territorial? Maybe.
Logically, there was no good reason why I should’ve agreed to go out with Brody’s high school friends considering the current relationship between us—or the lack of one, I should say.
But I usually made decisions based on the vibe rather than the logic, and well, morbid curiosity won out. I wanted to scope the scene out. Get a glimpse into who Brody was before I ever knew him. And even if it was some form of masochism, I wanted to be near him.
Even if I had to fight him tooth and nail on everything to keep my feelings at bay while we navigated this weird new relationship we found ourselves in.
I already knew it was going to be painful. Abbey would be there. Stupid Abbey with her stupid beautiful hair and stupid history with Brody.
Guys never got over their first loves. Wasn’t that the oldest story in the world? And she swept in just in time, right in the wake of our breaking up, so she could get her probably unmanicured claws into him again.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
“Uh,” Liam’s voice stopped me in my tracks. “Are you okay?”
I ceased my movements, pulling my head off of the fridge I’d been banging my head against.
“Yup,” I said, slightly mortified.
“You sure? Because it looked like you were trying to leave a Maggie-sized dent in my refrigerator door.”
“I was trying to get the bad thoughts out of my head,” I admitted.
“Yeah. I know,” he said. “I haven’t seen you do that since we were kids.”
“Sometimes I feel like there’s too much frustration being kept in my body,” I said. “Do you ever feel like that?”
“Not anymore,” Liam said. “But I remember what it was like.”
“How did you get rid of it?”
“I had to just let it go.” Liam shrugged.
“I don’t know how to do that.” I bit my lip.
“I didn’t either. Or maybe I wasn’t ready to back then. I think you and I are the type of people who like to torture ourselves a little bit.” He let out a humorless laugh.
“I definitely like to torture myself,” I agreed, thinking of how I’d successfully pushed away everyone that mattered. The way they were in pain, too, because of me. “And apparently, I like to torture everyone around me, too.”
I stared up at my brother, feeling exposed by the sincerity I was trying—and probably failing—to express.
“I really didn’t mean to. And I’m sorry.”
Liam shrugged. “Forget about it.”
“I won’t,” I promised. “I’ll remember it, and remember how much it hurt you to remind myself of why I need to think things through before I do them.”
“I appreciate it, Mags,” Liam said. “I do.”
“Sometimes I think I like to cause chaos before I can let chaos happen to me,” I said. “Stupid, isn’t it?”
“A little unhinged, maybe,” Liam agreed. “But not stupid. It’s not like we had anyone around us to teach us any better.”
“How did you end up so perfect and I became the emotional train wreck?”
“To be fair, I don’t think I’d ever been considered the model for a healthily adapted adult, either.” He cocked his head.
“True.” I laughed, thinking about how guarded and closed off he’d been for most of his life. “But you pulled it together, didn’t you?”
“Yeah,” he said, looking around his house at the life he’s built. “Because I let people help me.”
His words held meaning. I knew what he was trying to say. Cassie had helped heal a part of him. Or maybe that was wrong. Maybe another person couldn’t heal you. But maybe they could make you want to heal yourself.
I had Brody. And if anyone was worth overcoming my screwed up, toxic patterns for, it was him. I just didn’t even know where to start.
“So,” I started, “hypothetically, of course.”
“Of course.” He nodded, waiting for me to continue.
“If someone were to ask for help on how to put their life back together, what would you tell them?”
“Coming from someone who knows you, I would say, hypothetically”—he rolled his eyes—“that you need to slow down and catch your breath. You never give your wounds a chance to heal. You just pick up and start running again. And you know what happens?”
“I get away from the mess faster?” I added cheekily.
“No. You never find your balance, and end up falling right back down again not long after.”
I scoffed.
“I’m your brother, Mags. I taught you how to ride a bike, remember? When you fell down and scraped both your knees, you didn’t even bother to cry. You just got back up because you wanted to succeed.”
I remembered, I thought with a pang. I remembered how I had been practicing with Liam so when Dad took me out, I could impress him with how well I already rode.
I imagined him praising me, telling me what a natural I was, the way I sometimes heard him say to Liam.
But he never took me. Not even once. I’d been pissed about it.
Or hurt, I guess. But Liam had been there.
He’d been there and I hadn’t cared. I’d been so focused on the things I didn’t have, I never stopped to appreciate the things I did.
“You know, I used to be mad at you that Dad gave you all his attention,” I admitted hesitantly.
“I used to be mad about it, too,” he agreed. “I wish it wasn’t the case.”
“It was never your fault. I understand that now. Actually, I think I understand a lot of things now that I never let myself really see before,” I said. “Like how you and I both turned out fine without him.”
“And we’ll continue to be fine without him. Right?” Liam asked, almost pleading with me to agree that we’d be done with that guy forever.
Finally, I was ready.
To let him go. To deal with my shit surrounding him. To put the pieces back together of my life, because even if he had broken them, I was the only one responsible for putting them back together.
“Right,” I said, and meant it with all my heart.
Liam breathed out a sigh of relief and took a few steps to pull me into a hug.
“Proud of you, Mags. You don’t need him. You never did.”
“I do need you though. Is that okay?”
“That’s okay,” he laughed. “I’ll always be here.”
But there was someone else I needed too, and if anyone could help me figure out how to get him back, it was Liam.
“Hypothetically,” I pulled away from the hug to look up at my brother, “if you were going to give someone advice about how to fix things with their boyfriend…” I trailed off, waiting for him to save me from the misery of asking.
“The truth?” he said, with a look as if I might not be able to handle it.
But I was becoming a better version of myself. The type of girl who could hear hard truths without erupting. So I nodded in confirmation.
“You need more trust in people. You can’t keep pushing people away just to test if they’ll stay, Mags,” he said carefully. “Because eventually, they’re going to get tired of chasing after someone who they don’t even know wants to be caught.”
Damn, I thought, taken aback.
If Liam was serious about retiring from hockey, he’d make a hell of a therapist.