12. Laurie
Laurie
For the past year, Paradise Books had been a place of refuge for Laurie.
Her bookshop was a calm, organized space where she could work in peace. Kind people wandered in throughout the day, each one a welcome break from the eye-straining tedium of staring at a computer screen. It was a place that she loved, and a life she enjoyed.
That day, though, it felt as confining as a kennel.
She couldn’t stop thinking about Kekoa. His words ran through her mind over and over again – and with them, each minute detail of his facial expressions as he spoke.
She could recall with perfect clarity the downturn of his mouth, the intensity of his gaze, the resignation in his eyes.
It was even more clear in her memory than it had been in the moment, distracted as she had been by her own surprise and confusion.
It hurt to recall the raw vulnerability on that strong, beautiful face.
She wished that she had responded with more warmth… and more certainty.
He had resigned himself to friendship, when from the very beginning he had wanted something more. Then when she was finally ready to make that leap, he withdrew. Did he think that she was toying with him?
Laurie wanted to take offense, but how could she when his fear came from such depth of feeling? She couldn’t begrudge him a moment’s fear when her own cowardice had held her back for a full year.
Because the truth was, she felt the same way about him – and she had from the beginning. She had just been too wrapped up in her own trauma and anxiety to allow those feelings any purchase in her waking mind.
Kekoa had been so patient with her.
He had built her bookshop — quite literally – and continued to look out for her and care for her even after she made it clear to him that she wasn’t open to anything more than friendship.
She had kept him at arm’s length for an entire year.
Maybe she had missed her chance.
He basically proposed to you, her inner voice screamed. That’s not a man who’s over you. That’s a man who’s terrified to lose you. A man who won’t be toyed with. It’s the real thing, or it’s nothing. And that terrifies you.
She was going in circles in her head, too distracted to get any real work done.
Outside, the sky shone a perfect blue, punctuated by fluffy white clouds. Birds fluttered past the front window. And she sat inside, cut off from the sun, surrounded by musty old books.
Hey, are you busy? she texted Zoe.
Not really. Just finished harvesting some coconuts at a friend’s place. What’s up?
Feel like picking up an extra shift?
Sure. I can be there in half an hour.
Thanks!
Laurie packed up her laptop for the day and channeled her nervous energy into reorganizing the shelves of picture books near the front of the shop.
Hi, Zoe signed when she walked in. You OK?
I’m fine, Laurie assured her. “Just overdue for some time outside.”
“Have fun,” Zoe said and signed. “It’s a gorgeous day.”
“Isn’t it always?”
Zoe wrinkled her nose. “Only if you think hurricanes are gorgeous.”
“Aren’t they, though?”
Laurie didn’t wait for an answer.
She walked out the door and into the day.
Thanks to her new car, her commute home only took a few minutes. She parked in the carport, glanced to the side, and froze. A shock ran through her system when she saw Kekoa sitting on the lanai with his dad.
Uncle Manō gave his son a significant look and walked inside.
Everything OK? Kekoa signed as he walked down the front steps.
Laurie got out of her car and stood to face him.
“Why aren’t you at the shop?” he asked with concern.
“I’m playing hooky.” A grin pulled at her cheeks even as her heart raced with an unnamed panic. “Want to come?”
Where? he asked.
“I thought I’d walk the cliffs to the hidden beach.”
He paused for a long moment, watching her. Then he signed, Sure.
“I just need to change.”
OK.
Laurie walked backwards a few steps, then turned and jogged to her cottage. She traded her linen work pants out for a pair of hiking shorts and swapped her button-down shirt out for an old tanktop.
At the front of the property, Kekoa was waiting right where she had left him. His face was unusually stoic, and her heart ached for his usual easygoing smile. Instead, he looked at her as if he still had misgivings.
She didn’t ask him how he was, though. Didn’t try to start any conversation at all. His parents’ front yard wasn’t the right place to open up that can of worms.
They needed to get out on the trail, and out of their heads.
“You coming?” she asked, opening the front door of her car.
He hesitated for the briefest moment before walking over.
Her CRV was a decent size, but Kekoa took up every bit of space in the front seat. He seemed ready to overflow it, his left arm brushing the invisible dividing line that bisected the car – but he stayed carefully in his own space.
Even with the windows down, the air felt crowded with so many things left unsaid. Laurie didn’t know how to give voice to everything that was inside of her. She couldn’t verbalize it in her own head, much less communicate it.
For someone who lived in a world of text, the inability to verbalize anything – and especially something so important – felt intensely frustrating. It made her want to get out and run, to dive into the ocean and swim until she had shaken off every sticky feeling of worry and doubt.
She needed time in nature to be able to think clearly again.
Maybe Kekoa did too.
It was only a few minutes to the trailhead, and they didn’t speak.
Once they were on the trail, Laurie set out at a jog. That was a normal pace on this muddy jungle hike, despite all its uneven roots and slick inclines; anything slower, and the mosquitoes were quick to storm.
She had been too sedentary lately, and soon she was breathing hard.
Kekoa kept pace just behind her.
When she glanced at him, his face didn’t betray the slightest effort – but the day was warm, and sweat shone on the smooth planes of his face and neck.
After a while, when the stitch in her side felt like it was cutting into her lungs, Laurie veered off the jungle path and onto the hot black cliffs that ran all along the edge of Pualena.
Out in the strong midday sunshine, there were no mosquitoes at all.
She slowed to a walk, and Kekoa fell into step beside her.
“I don’t like how we left things the other day,” she said once she caught her breath.
Same, he signed, looking straight ahead.
“You caught me off guard.”
Same, he repeated. Emphatically this time. The barest hint of a smile flickered across his face, but he still didn’t look at her.
“I don’t know what to say,” she exclaimed with sudden frustration. “I’m no good at talking about my feelings. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have any.”
He stopped suddenly and turned to her. “I know you have feelings, Laurie. I need to know if you have feelings for me.”
She looked up at him, rendered mute by the full force of his attention.
They stood perfectly still for a moment, looking into each other’s eyes, there in the oven of the Hawaiian sun and the hot black lava rock. Sweat dripped down Laurie’s neck.
He turned away and kept walking.
Frustration built in her chest, alongside a sharp fear that she was making an even greater mess of things.
When they finally reached the hidden beach, she dove into the sea without a backwards glance. The cold water swallowed the accumulated heat of the hike, all the mud and sweat and tears.
She swam underwater, arms in front of her, kicking her legs together like a mermaid. Finally, when she couldn’t last another moment, she came up for air.
Kekoa was right there beside her.
The water was too deep for Laurie to stand, but Kekoa’s feet were firmly planted in the sand. They were in a calm bay, completely alone – save for the sea turtles on the beach and the fish that swam around their legs.
Laurie kicked her feet lightly to keep her head above water.
Kekoa’s eyes moved over her face with a familiar intensity. “You’re like a–”
She didn’t catch the last word. He said it too quietly, his voice lost beneath the waves that crashed against rocks out beyond the bay.
Laurie squinted at him, struggling to read his lips in the glare of sun on water.
“A what?”
He raised one hand above the water and spelled S-E-L-K-I-E.
“How’s that?” she demanded.
“Beautiful,” he said and signed, then let his hand fall back beneath the surface of the water. “Otherworldly. Bound to steal my heart and disappear.”
“This is my world.” She let the small, gentle waves of the bay push her closer to him. “I’m not going anywhere.”
He stood steady as a pillar, unmoved by the waves or the tide.
Laurie braced her forearms on his sun-warmed shoulders and laced her fingers together behind his neck. Their faces were inches apart, their height difference neutralized by the buoyant saltwater. Her feet floated above the sand.
“I’m not going anywhere,” she said again.
Suddenly, Kekoa unfroze.
Released from their statuesque stillness, his arms wound around her and pulled her close. The space between them disappeared.
Laurie lost herself in the warmth of his kiss, the salt smell of his skin, the steady anchor of his body.
“I’ve wanted this for so long,” he murmured against her lips.
It felt like a miracle that she could hear him even with her eyes closed, that she didn’t have to work overtime to understand him the way she did everyone else. That low voice rumbling from his chest seemed to bypass her broken ears and cut straight to her core.
He pulled back enough to look her in the eyes.
“I love you, Laurie. Everything about you. Your spirit and soul, the core of who you are. You’re extraordinary.”
She kissed him again, cutting off his words, suppressing a cold fear that she could never live up to the magical creature he had made her out to be in his mind.
Her hands moved up the back of his head, relishing the sensation of his short-cropped hair beneath her fingers.
She gave herself over to the moment, escaped her too-busy brain, left all her hesitation and worry bobbing in the wake of sensation.
Then he broke away.
The world rushed back in as cool ocean water flowed between his chest and hers. Laurie opened her eyes and flinched at the sudden glare of light on water. After the refuge of his arms, the world felt horribly harsh and wide.
She kicked her feet, treading water again, and looked at him in confusion.
“I meant what I said before.” That statue-like rigidity was back. He stood straight, expression hard, like a man barely holding himself together.
“Which part?” she asked.
“All of it!”
Suddenly, Laurie felt very tired.
She swam for shore, and her legs shook as she walked out of the water. She went to a bit of shade and dropped into the sand, feeling completely worn out.
Kekoa sat beside her, and they were quiet for a while.
Finally, he brought a fist up to his chest and moved it in a small circle.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you,” he said.
She lifted a hand from her knee and moved it hesitantly in his direction.
He put one hand out, palm up, and she placed her hand in his.
Instantly, she felt steadier.
“It wrecked me when ‘Io’s mom left,” he said quietly, looking out at the water.
Laurie watched him closely, not wanting to miss a word.
“It wrecked me, and I didn’t love her half as much as I love you.” He met her eyes and continued, “I can’t do that again. It’s not fair to ‘Io, and it’s not fair to me.”
“There’s no love without loss.” She brought his hand up and held it firm against her ribcage, just above her heart. “Look at my parents. They were perfect for each other. But one way or another, everything ends. That’s just a part of it.”
One side of his mouth turned up a bit. “I could settle for forty-four years.”
Love rose up in her chest, and she let out a breath of a laugh.
“What?”
“You know exactly how long my parents were together.”
“I was there at their last anniversary party.”
“I remember,” she said. Though she hadn’t, not until he mentioned it.
Her ex-husband had been there, hovering like a dark cloud, and she hadn’t spoken to anyone outside of her immediate family. It was a difficult time to look back on, and she still didn’t fully understand how she had wound up in such a miserable marriage. It hadn’t started out that way.
“I can’t see the future, Kekoa.”
His expression went serious again. “I can’t do casual, Laurie. Not with you.”
“Fine.” She grinned through the fear and the grief that were lodged in her chest. “Good. I’m not capable of casual.”
“If we start something, that’s it. We’re exclusive.”
A sudden relief washed through her. “Is that all you’re worried about?”
“Laurie, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. You could have anybody you wanted.”
“I only want you.” She shifted closer, letting her bare leg rest against his.
Suddenly he was on his feet.
She looked up at him in surprise, and then the constriction around her heart relaxed when she saw a full smile on his face.
His hands rose up in fluid signs: Come on, let’s go.
He ran to the water and dove in.
Laurie caught up with him underwater, and they surfaced together. She drew in a quick breath, and then his mouth was on hers. His head eclipsed the sun, and his strong arms kept her afloat.
She was weightless in the water, steadied by his arms.
Warmed by the sunshine and by the heat that radiated between them, Laurie relaxed into the moment. All of her worries melted away.
They were in deeper water now, both of them bobbing above the sand. Her legs looped languidly around his waist as he kicked his legs slowly, keeping them afloat. She felt completely weightless – and yet completely safe.
It was intoxicating and unfamiliar, that buoyant sense of safety.
She rested her forehead against his, enjoying the sensation of being six-foot-four.
Here was a man whose sheer size intimidated people. And yet all he had ever done was lift her up. A buzzing sense of joy filled her body – pure happiness unlike anything she had ever known.
When Mia was born, the intensity of Laurie’s love for that baby shook her whole world. She hadn’t known that she was even capable of that depth of love.
She certainly hadn’t believed that it was possible to feel love like that for another adult, for a man. And then along came another human being who bypassed her defenses, rocked all of her assumptions, and shook her old beliefs to their core.
She folded her middle and index fingers down and pressed her hand against his chest.
I love you.
He put his hand over hers, then leaned back to look at her.
“I love you,” she said aloud.
The veracity of those words terrified her, and fear crept back in.
Then his lips found hers again, and the warmth of him washed away her chill uncertainty. The sun shone down, awakening all the forgotten color in Laurie’s arms. And for a while, at least, she knew a warm and flawless sense of peace.