7. Chapter Seven
Chapter Seven
Sam
Okay. I can do this. How hard can it be to be honest?
Well, very hard. In fact, I wasn’t entirely certain I could manage.
My alarm sounded.
Soren was up and snagging my empty bowl.
I hadn’t even realized I’d eaten all the sorbet. The sorbet he’d gone out of his way to get for me. The perfect treat at the end of a very long week.
“I’ll bring the bottles. Just relax.” With that, he was gone. With darling Tibby hard on his heels. We were lucky she was such a great dog. Otherwise, caring for the kittens would’ve been a nightmare.
By the time Soren was back with three bottles, Peaches was yowling.
He put one bottle on the side table, handed one to me, and kept one for himself. He smiled. “What do you think?”
“Maybe you take Peaches? I want to take a look at Carlos. He doesn’t seem to be as big as the others.”
“Yeah, I noticed that as well. We just need to fatten him up.” Soren continued to smile as he opened the crate and snagged our cantankerous girl. Well, in her defense, she only squawked when she was hungry—which was, admittedly, most of the time.
Soren settled on the other side of the sofa with Peaches while I tucked Carlos against me and offered the bottle. I had to adjust it several times before he finally started to drink. I gazed at Peaches. “You’ll likely be finished before I get half of this into your brother.”
“Well, then, I’ll feed Jack and we’ll all be good.” Soren stroked Peaches’s head. “She really is quite the fierce warrior.”
“As long as she doesn’t take out that ferocity on her brothers. I think we’ll need to feed them all separately when they go on wet food. Otherwise, I can see her eating everything.”
“Yep, that pretty much sums her up.” Soren grinned. “I love her feistiness. That despite her beginnings in life, she’s tackling everything with zeal.”
I nudged Carlos to keep drinking. Was he falling asleep? I couldn’t be certain. I took a deep breath. “So, uh, Christmas…”
Soren pivoted his attention to me. Or at least that’s what I interpreted from the movement I caught out of the corner of my eye. I didn’t look at him. I did, however, take another deep breath. “So there’s something you should know about me.”
“Only if you want to share.” His voice was soft. “This isn’t meant to be…painful. If I need to apologize, I’m happy to do that. Obviously, I read the signals wrong. I—”
“Stop.” I said the word a little more forcefully than I planned, but I needed him to understand. “Sorry.”
“No worries.” He murmured the words.
“This is hard for me.” I waited, but when he didn’t speak, I continued. “See, I’m sort of inexperienced.” Finally, I gazed over at him. “Which you probably already knew.”
He held my gaze. “I might’ve had an inkling—but I’d never want to assume.”
“Yeah. Thank you for that. Just…with all that’s been going on in my life, dating and sex have been a low priority.
I wasn’t out in high school, and sort of avoided girls.
I had plans to come out to my family at the end of my first year of college.
Then the accident—” I winced. “The accident was at Christmas. I never went back.”
“That’s unfortunate.”
I shrugged. “Quinta needed me. Not a moment’s hesitation on my part. I just quit school and dug in. Did what she needed. Well, after I recovered, that is.”
“Must’ve been tough.”
I nudged Carlos again. “Keep eating, buddy. Peaches is finished and Jack’s starting.” While I’d been trying to figure out the right words, Soren had completed taking care of Peaches and was now starting in with Jack.
“He okay?”
“Uh.” I stroked Carlos’s soft fur. “I think so?” When he started sucking again, I continued. “So, dating wasn’t a priority. Eventually, though, I thought I should try. To show Quinta that life moved on. Plus, I was damn lonely.”
“I can imagine. How did it go?”
“Well…I won’t say a disaster because that would be too optimistic.”
“Damn.”
“Yeah. I just—” I sighed. “I’m not built like other guys.”
A silence ensued as I continued to coax the kitten into eating.
“I’m not sure how to respond to that.”
“It is what it is.” I winced. “Right. Well…the guys I dated were nice enough—but really only interested in one thing.”
“Then you were dating the wrong guys.”
My gaze shot to his. “Says the guy who kissed me before we even went out on a first date.”
His eyes widened. “Well, shit.”
“I’m just saying—”
“Wow, did I ever misread that. I can say I’m sorry—which I damn well am—but just…wow.”
A sigh escaped my lips. “You weren’t wrong that I wanted it. That I gave consent. I was just so far out of my depth.” I smiled ruefully. “I’ve flirted with a few guys over the years. With Noah was about the most bold I’ve ever tried to be.”
“He has Christian.”
I shook my head. “He didn’t back then. The flirting was before they were together. I’d never try to steal a guy away from another guy. That’s all kinds of wrong.”
“Ah.”
“But—” I let out a shaky breath. “I don’t know what I would’ve done if Noah had actually agreed to, I don’t know, date me. Again—completely out of my depth. I just saw another gay Black man and…felt like I had to try. That it was the right thing to do.”
“Maybe that’s what knocked Christian out of his complacency. Although I have to say the double date between Christian, Noah, Dr. Malcolm, and myself was quite the, uh, adventure.”
My eyebrows shot up. “I want to hear all about that.”
He chuckled. “Sure. Another time. Because I think we need to hash out what’s going on between the two of us.”
Carlos appeared to be finished, so I rubbed him until he peed, then I tucked him back into the crate and closed the door.
I grabbed the package of wet cloths we kept handy and we both wiped our hands then dumped them in the garbage can that had also been brought into the room.
The less back-and-forth we had to do between here and the kitchen—the better.
For the umpteenth time, I sighed. “So, I’ve had a lot of time to think about Christmas.”
“I’m not sure how to respond to that.”
I rubbed my face. “The thing is—” I closed my eyes for a long moment. When I finally opened them, I met a gaze filled with compassion. “Yeah. So I’d wondered about my sexuality. Not whether I’m gay or not. I am.” I had to get that out quickly. “But, you know…sex.”
Slowly, Soren nodded.
Again, I rubbed my face. As if I could somehow will this conversation to go faster. “I don’t…that is…”
He reached his hand over the crate.
I hesitated before putting my hand in his. The touch was both strange and comforting at the same time. “I’ve wondered if I’m asexual. Or maybe demisexual.”
He squeezed my hand. “Those are perfectly normal things to ask yourself. And I’m not going to question you about it. It’s up to you how much you do—or don’t—want to share.”
Another sigh. “I wanted to believe I was demi. That if I met the right person—and got to really know them—that I’d be interested in sex.”
“Okay. Again—perfectly reasonable.”
“Sure. But I don’t think I am. I mean, I flirted with Noah, and have since gotten to know him, but I don’t want to have sex with him.” I closed my eyes. “I’m attracted to you. The idea of, you know—” God, let me die now.
Again, he squeezed my hand. “I’ll be honest and say I find you attractive as well. I enjoyed our kiss. But I’d say we don’t know each other all that well. Although the past few days has changed that somewhat.”
“I’m saying the idea of, you know…that…” I flailed my other hand.
“It’s okay. Hey, maybe look at me?” His voice was soft and coaxing.
I turned my gaze toward him. “I’m not going to try to convince you that you’re one way or another.
Those are decisions only you can make. Do I enjoy having you here as a friend?
Taking care of the kittens? Absolutely. I would never have invited you here otherwise.
And I didn’t do it thinking that we might have sex.
That’s not who I am. I just wanted to help—in whatever way I could.
Now, are you saying you have any feelings for me?
I’m not probing to make you uncomfortable—I’m just trying to figure out where we stand. ”
Slowly, I nodded. “I like you. I enjoyed the kiss—but I felt like it came with obligations and expectations. Things I couldn’t promise.
I’ve tried to look at it from different angles, but the truth is that I don’t want to have sex.
Not with you. Probably not with anyone. I mean, I find you attractive.
Don’t get me wrong. But getting naked and exchanging body fluids? Yeah…not my happy place.”
He smiled sweetly. “I can completely respect that. No matter what anyone tells you—sex is not the be-all and end-all. I mean, sex is great. With the right person and under the right circumstances. But I certainly don’t need it.”
“You say that—”
“Because I know myself. I haven’t been with anyone since my divorce, and I’ve been perfectly okay.
Do I feel sexual attraction? Yes, I do. But I’m not chasing guys to get it.
In truth, what I miss the most about being married was the intimacy—physical and emotional.
Once upon a time, my wife was my best friend.
We talked about everything. We shared all the stuff going on in our lives.
We held nothing back. In retrospect, when that changed, that’s when I should’ve realized we’d crossed a Rubicon and we could never go back to the way things were. ”
“Did she cheat on you?” He looked…sad? Pensive? Certainly not happy.