LXVII
"Psst."
?James dug his face into his pillow, groaning. He recognised that whisper.
?"Get out of my room."
?Fabian nudged him this time, pushing his shoulder. "Jule, get up. I have something to show you."
?"I don't care," James whined. "Go."
?"You're already awake now," he pointed out.
?James sighed and finally regarded his brother's silhouette in the dark, cranky and impatient. "What is it?"
?He could see dim light reflect off Fabian's teeth as he grinned.
?"Do you, little brother, want to see a lion?"
?James immediately sat up, his eyes widening despite the sleepy tightness. He was nearly breathless. "A lion?"
?"A lion."
?Fabian tugged him by the arm and James obeyed easily, scrambling out of bed despite the cold chill that captured him. Excitement pounded in his chest, thrumming through his body, elated by such an idea.
?"You better not be lying to me," James warned. His hopes were already raised even if he tried to foster more suspicion. It may have been a prank.
?"I swear on my life."
?Guards patrolled the corridors, it wasn't going to be easy to sneak around.
He told Fabian to stay put before going into his walk-in wardrobe and rifling around in the dark.
Underneath his vests he could feel the difference in fabrics through touch, finding the cheap scratchy dungarees he'd stowed away.
?He held them up proudly. Fabian took one of them, identifying it through his hands.
?"How do you even have these?"
?James laughed quietly. He had way more than just dungarees hidden in his dressing room. He'd recently stumbled upon a new hobby and his hands had become quick and dishonest. Their parents wouldn't have approved if they'd known.
?"One of the servants left them out to dry. These definitely belonged to a child."
?Fabian bounced on his toes in excitement. He didn't even question the larceny. "They're the perfect disguise! We can pretend we're servants if we get caught."
?Their plan was infallible.
?With their new outfits on, they slinked through the palace. They would both stick their heads around one corner and wait in silence for a moment, listening out for guards, before their little footsteps tapped rapidly, darting for the next pillar or alcove to hide behind.
?Suddenly, an adult gait pierced the air and the two boys shoved at each other in panic. Fabian, thinking quickly, dragged Julian under a clothed table, their bodies hidden behind the sheet.
?The guard whistled to himself, carrying a lamp that lit up the white fabric into an orange glow. James and Fabian glanced at each other then, eyes wide. James' heart pounded, trembling in his ears. He held both of his hands up to his mouth, forcing his lungs to breathe slowly and shallowly.
?He was terrified, yes. But there was something else vibrating under his skin. It was the same feeling he got when he stole clothes from the servants. He couldn't stop the grin that plumped his cheeks, nor the snort that followed.
?Fabian hit him in warning and James retaliated, ensuing a small kerfuffle, their struggle rustling their clothes. Thankfully, the guard didn't hear it over his tune and he moved by quickly, the glow of his lamp disappearing.
?"You almost gave us away," Fabian hissed.
?"No, you did."
?The fight was immediately forgotten and Fabian led James to an empty room on the second floor.
They relaxed once the door was shut behind them but Fabian kept going, exiting out onto the balcony whilst crouched low.
James tentatively followed and Fabian yanked him down to the floor once he reached the parapet.
Fabian held a finger up to his lips before James could protest and then pointed down to the courtyard ground through the gaps of the balustrade. James peered through.
?"Oh my Gods," James breathed.
?Below them, guarded by soldiers, was a large metal cage with bars thicker than those in a dungeon. Orange firelight flickered from lamps and torches, trembling in a rich but dark golden colour on the beast's fur.
?It was a lion. A real one.
?The creature yawned and James was mesmerised.
Its teeth were like white daggers, its jaw strong enough to crush skulls.
James had heard of what these beasts could do to humans: tear them limb from limb like it was nothing.
It had no empathy. There was something regal about its mane and James felt a fearful sort of respect, like he was a commoner in the presence of royalty.
It was pitying to think such raw power could be caged so easily. All it needed was thick enough bars.
?"It's incredible, isn't it?" Fabian said.
?"It's beautiful," James agreed easily, smiling. He drank in the sight as much as he could, not looking away for a moment. "Why is it here?"
?"They're going to make it fight some slaves. The slaves can win freedom if they kill it."
?James frowned. "They manage to kill it?"
?The creature moved again, shaking its crown-like mane. For a moment, James swore the creature was looking right at him with intelligent amber eyes. His breath was caught in his throat.
?To kill such a beautiful creature? It was a shame.
?"Don't worry," his brother said, patting him on the shoulder. "There's loads of these beasts in the wild. The slaves may have a knife but lions are vicious. It won't go down without a fight."
?James couldn't quite muster up the same happiness he'd lost. His good mood had been doused with water, much like his heart.
?If James was better, perhaps he could've stolen this lion, too.
?Fabian began to crawl away and James gave the creature one last longing look before following suit. Sorry.
?They weren't as lucky on their way back. Almost instantly they'd both turned a corner to stumble into two guards, face first. A beat had passed, both sides gawking at each other in stillness, and then the two brothers ran for it, sprinting through the long corridors.
?"Stop right there!" the guards called, their heavy boots whumped against the ground, stomping after their fox-like patter.
?The air brushed through James' hair, adrenaline washed through him, his legs stretched and lifted his body off the ground like he was floating. The freshness in his lungs felt good. It felt freeing. Despite his fear, his smile widened and he began to laugh uncontrollably.
?It was fun. It was so much fun.
?His brother wasn't impressed. "Shut up, idiot!"
?They were two boys, they were never going to outrun two adult guards anyway.
?"I can't help it!"
?His brother grimaced and then gave his shoulder a shove. "You go on! I'll distract them!"
?"Just tell them you're a servant."
?"Your disguises didn't work, stupid. Now, go back to bed and play dumb!"
?James wasn't going to dissent to Fabian sacrificing himself; it was he who'd had this idea in the first place.
?So, James kept running, whilst Fabian turned around and let himself be captured.
? ? ? ?
"You were alive," Mererid said pathetically. "And no one knew."
?"I didn't let them know," James corrected, sipping on his tea. The hot liquid stung against his split lip and felt rough in his bruised throat. He covered his scorn.
?The assailant of his injuries sat opposite, staring stiffly at the ground. They'd all gathered in the lounge, save for Yufus, in an attempt to quickly get on the same page and Alex hadn't been very welcoming. James supposed he deserved a little frostiness, though.
?"You said earlier that the women we've imprisoned are widows," Duke Straton remarked, a little confused.
?"That's right. Like you, they are going to testify. They'll tell the council that Fabian asked them to donate their wealth to specific political candidates to build some inviolability to his corruption and manipulate politics for this war."
?The duke nodded in understanding. "So, that's where you went."
?Clearly, they hadn't told the duke he'd fled, which was the smart thing to do. He wanted to convey this to Alex but that man was still not looking at him.
?Mererid pointed at Alex. "But, I thought—"
?Fletcher, sharper than they gave him credit for, was quick to cut her off. "I heard your speech went well."
?Mererid smiled shyly. "I'm not used to standing up in front of so many people."
?"You did good, twp," Riley agreed. "I think you earned some admirers."
?James took another sip, openly staring at an avoidant Alex. If the others noticed, they weren't acknowledging it.
?Mererid only laughed. "I can't say I'm keen on brutish men. They steal my glory."
?Thomas coughed into his fist. "And Fletcher?"
?Fletcher turned instantly red, his face aflame, and he elbowed Thomas.
?James narrowed his eyes. "Alexander."
?Alex lifted his head in attention but looked no higher than James' shoulders. It was offensive.
?"Why don't you two have a private chat?" Riley suggested, seemingly bored of the tension. "We'll start planning for Maurice's arrival. You go sort out yourselves out."
?"That's an excellent suggestion, Riley. What do you think, Alexander?"
?James didn't throw away his freedom for this kind of insulting treatment. He wasn't going to be patient anymore. Alex was going to have to receive his affections from now on— that was the price of James' return. They both knew it.
?Alex's exhale was deep and long. But, finally, he nodded.
?James hauled his bag onto his shoulder and nodded pleasantly to the rest of them as they left.
They went up to their guest room. As they walked, James pushed the hair out of his face, trying to style it.
He didn't want to think too hard about what he'd signed himself up for but obscuring his face was no longer an option. He was no longer hiding. That was that.
?Once in their room, he dropped his bag on the bed.
Alex continued and went out to the balcony, leaning against the stone railing.
James didn't hesitate; he joined him, gazing out at the endless grass plains which had yellowed in the heat.
Soon, once the full assault of summer hit, it would all die.
It wouldn't be until autumn that the lands would be green again, the cycle of life restarting.
?"I have a visual impairment," James confessed.
?Alex said nothing for a moment, giving no reaction. Then, he said: "I guessed as much."
?"I know you guessed," James confirmed. "You're easy to read."
?Alex scoffed. "I'm really not."
?"You are to me."
?"It's unfortunate."
?James shrugged and smiled. He felt... strange.
The situation was unreal. He should've felt heavier than this.
The chains he'd locked himself in carried a substantial weight that should've dragged against the floor.
Yet, his shoulders felt light, even though his heart and stomach twisted and cramped.
Perhaps he'd always known this was where he'd end up, perhaps it hadn't fully sunk in yet.
Either way, Eris was never going to forgive him for this.
?But this was what he had to do. He couldn't be left alone once more— not in that cold and lonely place. The warmth of humans that he'd felt through his numb fingers, he could never let go of it again. His mentor had ultimately failed in his discipline.
?So, he stood here in eerie peace, the inevitability of these consequences laying restfully. James accepted them.
?"Life is torture," Alex said.
?James smiled, but it was sad. "No. Life is fun."
?Alex finally looked at him. Pain creased his eyes, revealing those little crowfeet in the outer corners. The way the sun shone on them made those dark pits look like honey. They were special.
?Alex's voice ached as it came out. "There will be no more fun, James."
?James' lips tightened into a straight line as he breathed in deeply, his chest constricting. He wanted to deny such a thing. He didn't want to think about it.
?"I didn't strike you as a prophet," he joked, it was hollow.
?"I'm so sorry, James. I'm so sorry."
?This time, James was the one averting his gaze, keeping his eyes fixed on the horizon as they burned, as his jaw clenched against something that threatened to spill out. He was defiant. He would hold himself together.
?"I didn't want it to come to this," he gritted out. "I never wanted this."
?"I know."
?His breath was tight and shaky, barely in his control. "This is my brother, Alex."
?Alex grasped onto James' fist, fixing on to it vigorously. James needed it, he needed it to be held on to so harshly it hurt. It was hot on his skin. He felt it.
?His precious older brother was soon going to be dead, just as their parents were. No matter what. James was going to be back at that place and he was going to be there alone.
?How was James supposed to suddenly turn around now, after all this time, and face this misery?
He'd gotten so far since then. He was an adult, he'd lived an entire life away from that dream.
That place was the beginning and going back there meant everything since then would've been for naught. He would regress.
?Alex pressed their shoulders together and intertwined their fingers, squeezing hard enough that it throbbed. He allowed James this moment, letting the seconds bandage his composure. James was grateful.
?"Why did it come to this?" he asked.
?"There is no why," Alex whispered. It was soft. "There never is."
?James nodded. He lifted his free hand to cup his mouth. It was shaking.
?"I could ask him why," he tried.
?"You could."
?But, James didn't want the answer. Alex would've known that.
?"After I left, I thought a lot about what you said," he admitted.
?Alex sighed. "You shouldn't have. It didn't mean anything."
?"No. No, it did. There's something wrong with my mind, I think."
?"It would be weirder if there wasn't."
?James slowly retrieved his limb, instead gripping onto the ledge. He looked down at the ground, they were two floors high. If he fell from here, he'd live.
?"For once in my life, I don't know what going to happen," James stated. "I'm scared. I want time to just stop for a second. I need to breathe."
?"I'm sorry."
?James shook his head. "I snub others when they make excuses but isn't that what I've done this whole time? Everything was always going to lead back here. How many lives could I have saved if I'd done this sooner? How many lives did I ruin?"
?"You were a child."
?"I haven't been a child for a very long time." There was a bite in his words. "This hypocrisy— this insulting ignorance despite evidence of the contrary— my mind is not sane at all. I live in a reality where everything is convenient for me. No wonder I've lost myself."
?"That's too much blame to put on the shoulders of a little boy. You may not be a child now, but you were a child then. You did what you had to do to survive, even if you had to pay the guilt for that now. You are a victim, too."
?James wasn't sure what to believe. He no longer trusted himself. He couldn't even agree on who he was. The Prince Julian who looked back at him in the mirror was a stranger from another place. How could he trust that Alex knew better?
?He deflated, the calm returning. Did it really matter? He'd lived like this the whole time, after all.
?Abandoning that line of thought, he turned his body so he better faced Alex, the man he came back for. "I'm glad you're okay." He'd meant it.
?Alex smiled slightly. "I nearly wasn't. I was almost dead."
?"It wasn't my plan to leave you behind."
?"I know."
?"You seem to have this belief that your life is somehow of less value than others," James observed. "Perhaps that's why you're so self-sacrificial."
?Alex lightly huffed. "I thought you said it was a fetish."
?James' lips quirked up. "Well, you do like pain. We both know that much."
?"I'll deny it."
?A little sombre cheer had slithered its way back into the air and James was endlessly grateful for it. They were both alive and that was something to be thankful for.
?"My eyes are dragging in light and I can hardly see colour anymore," James began. "I am ruined in many ways. But, you have the ability to protect me."
?Alex's face became guarded, suspicious of where this thread was going. James didn't mind. He leaned in, letting the conviction bleed through his expression, letting it mould his squared shoulders. He was serious and Alex would see that.
?"If you protect me, I will protect you," he said to Alex. "I will make you the most valuable man in this Godforsaken kingdom."
?Alex tried to respond but was unsuccessful. A surge of desperation pricked him.
?"Trust my sincerity," James pleaded. He wanted this. If he and Alex tethered themselves to each other so absolutely it could ease the oppressive crush of loneliness. They could tangle themselves in it, carelessly, pretending to be unaware of its devastating nature.
?"There's nothing valuable about me," Alex replied. "I am just a desperate slave who has only lived because I'm reckless in the face of death. I gambled. And I won."
?James held on to both of his shoulders, stepping even closer, their bodies torturously close together. He itched to squeeze his hands, to wreck Alex in them.
?"I will lift you higher than every other person and I will ruin my life doing so. I will do this with a smile on my face and my hand in yours. You can be worth more than gold."
?It wasn't freedom, though. They both knew that.
?James nearly fell apart when Alex pulled one of James' arms away, But, then, Alex tapped a finger against it in hesitation before slowly moving it up to his neck. James carefully, nervously, wrapped his fingers around it, feeling his beating pulse; the proof that he was alive.
?"This is your answer?" he asked, making sure.
?Alex nodded. He didn't look happy.
?James leaned forward and pressed their foreheads together, breathing his lover in, savouring his warmth.
?"Thank you," he whispered.
?Alex never responded. He remained quiet, not moving, even as the sound of a commotion raised in the background.