LXXVIII
Although recess had been ordered, hardly any of the Senate's occupiers left the chamber. Clambouring in a frenzy, the senators and audience bounced around from group to group like fleas, feeling others out and clawing for more information.
"Did you see his arm?" one group yapped behind Alex.
"This is a bloody outrage!" another separate senator cried, slicing the air with his arm.
Alex glared at his threaded hands, squeezing tightly. The noise, the arguments, it rattled inside his skull.
"We should withhold judgement—"
"But doesn't he look an awful lot like—"
"What's King William playing at—"
Right behind his head, one of his colleagues grumbled: "It's been so long. Why even bother coming back now?"
Alex couldn't handle it anymore.
"I'm leaving," he told Thomas, standing.
Thomas grimaced. "That's a good idea."
The commotion chased after them as they both exited into the corridor. Alex was surprised by the emptiness but, a little distance away, two Ankaid senators were huddled in quick discussion and cautiously took notice of their new company. They made eye contact before quickly turning their backs.
"I don't even know what to say..." Thomas said, glancing back at the Senate chamber with a deepening frown. From the exhaustion that aged Thomas' face, the other knight looked both pristine in his ceremonial attire and haggard with his sunken eyes.
Alex grunted in response, a quietness taking him.
The muffled storm of the reveal raged on heavily, coldly washing away any hope of feeling triumphant.
Alex's goal had always been saving as many people as he could and James had become necessary in that.
Yet, even though it was impossible to turn back now, instead of feeling relieved, there was an emptiness prying in his chest.
Putting himself on display for others to tear holes in him, James had burned so radiantly like gold whilst shouldering that scrutiny all alone. James had been like the sun and Alex had been tragically absorbed by the painful sight of him.
"I don't think there is anything to say," Alex muttered. "We witnessed it all."
"It's one thing to know, but... he really is a prince."
Alex recalled that aureate image. "It's another thing to see it, isn't it?"
"Yeah... He looked fine, though."
"He did appear that way."
Fine and straight-faced; arrogant, even. James had taken the floor like no one was more deserving of being there, commanding others' attention like a king. Even though he was just a man, he'd regarded the mere mortals like they were eyesores.
"Alex, I don't think I fully understood before..." Thomas said, swallowing roughly. "But we've just destroyed that man's life."
Genuinely stricken with grief, Thomas' eyes were wide with the horrific realisation. Alex couldn't bear to see his own smothered feelings reflected back at him.
"It wasn't us," Alex insisted. "It was King Fabian. If he hadn't threatened the lives of so many, James could've kept on. He made his decision."
"But, he ran. That had been his choice, not this. Why did he come back?"
Why? The reason James had come back had been the same reason he'd left.
"Human warmth," Alex admitted, rubbing at the ache of guilt in his chest.
James had been on his own for too long and he'd been okay like that because he hadn't known any different. Alex had been cruel and hadn't kept his distance, even though he'd known that.
Because James' affection, although annoying, embarrassing and scary— it had felt nice. Alex had felt wanted, valued, and even loved. For that selfishness alone, Alex had entertained it.
His selfishness had ruined James.
"You can't blame yourself for that," Thomas decided after a moment of thought. "Do you think someone can live like that for very long? No, he was already on the borderline. Any longer and he would've died, if not sought warmth in a different place."
Alex wasn't persuaded by that convenience. "He'd been on his own for a very long time before we came along."
"Even more reason to believe we were just in time," Thomas argued. "And it was good it was you and not someone else."
That struck a painful chord. James was so eager to let himself be used by Alex, desperate to hold value.
Perhaps he'd done it as a way to pay for Alex's attention, just like the bartering he'd used to keep conversation.
It was silly to assume someone could change so quickly. James had hardly changed at all.
If it had been someone else that James had decided to cling to, perhaps they would've been a lot more eager to take advantage of that. But, James wouldn't have minded. He would've stolen as much as he'd given with matching fervour and it would've destroyed him and them both.
James would've allowed the mutual ruin, knowing everything.
A door slammed behind them and Alex looked over his shoulder. A few senators had exited the chamber but the two Ankaid ones they'd seen earlier were gone.
"I think your dad will try to kill you, Alex," Thomas declared.
Alex frowned. He believed it. "Harrison protected me last time. I heard you made a deal."
"The deal was about me, not you."
Which meant Harrison's actions were because of James.
"But Harrison can't protect you forever," Thomas continued. "Rather, I think he'll get bored of it quickly. And Duke Chamberlain isn't one to give up."
"When would he ever have the chance?"
"We're going to war after this," Thomas carefully replied, meeting his gaze. "I can't think of any place better to get rid of someone I hate. You'd be just another body to throw on the fire."
"In front of others?"
Thomas said nothing but he hadn't needed to. Alex knew it all too well: none of his colleagues would care enough to shout about it. Bigger secrets have been kept.
"Alex, after this, I plan to follow you. And so I'll stick by the duke's side when the time comes to protect you."
Alex took a small step back in surprise. Thomas had everything in Lyechester; he was one of the most respected knights there. But, the look on Thomas' face was serious.
"Why would you go that far for me?"
Leaving all that behind to follow a joke like Alex, Thomas would lose everything.
"Because I can't keep my head down any longer in good conscience.
My wife deserves a better husband and my daughter deserves a better father.
I want a strong superior who cares about his men, so my precious girls won't have to, one day, wake up to a knock on the door and be left with nothing because I was sent on some careless suicide mission and died.
And that person I want to follow is you, Alexander. "
Alex's heart thumped. Was that really how Thomas viewed him? Thomas had seen, more than anyone, Alex's humiliation and cowardice. He'd witnessed Alex allowing himself to be publicly beaten without a mutter of protest. How could anyone see a leader in someone like that?
"The way you put yourself in danger yesterday," Thomas recalled, "just to kill even a single enemy if it meant you could protect us.
.. I know James called it stupid but that was when I realised what I wanted.
I disagreed with James. I found it admirable.
And I realised that Duke Chamberlain would never have done that for anyone. He doesn't deserve you."
Alex breathed in deeply, something welling up in his chest.
"Even though I forced you into this?" Alex choked. "Even though I knew you'd say no?"
Alex wasn't deserving of such words. How Thomas believe all that considering what Alex did to him?
Thomas smiled sincerely and it tangled Alex up inside.
"I've already forgiven you," Thomas chuckled. "Besides, you chose me for a reason, didn't you? Because of you, I was able to be here to protect Fletcher when someone else might not 've. You chose me first and now I'm repaying the favour."
Alex felt both touched but wholly undeserving of Thomas' praise.
"I don't know what to say..."
"'Thank you', maybe?" Thomas teased.
Alex shakily smiled.
For once in his miserable life, Alex could feel the slight but forbidding tug of hope. A future where he was safe and surrounded by a small group of people who respected him. He was so dangerously close to achieving this that it was dizzying.
It wasn't just James; a change was coming for all of them.
"Sir Thomas, it's been a while."
Thomas turned around, blinking at Ino in surprise. "I'm surprised you remember my name."
She raised her eyebrows, as if unimpressed. She was, after all, the holder of Sofus.
Alex looked beyond her shoulder but she was alone. "Are they not done in there?"
"Nope," Ino said. "They're still talking. But, hey, Eris' authenticity has been officially confirmed now. They made him kill one of the guard's dogs because, apparently, my opinion doesn't mean much."
"But, you're a saintess."
Ino simply waved a hand at her face like it pointed out the obvious.
"I've wondered actually," Thomas mused. "With your straight hair and blue eyes, you could pass for a southern Khearian if you insisted on it."
"Why should I have to?"
Having not expected to hear such a dry and blatant response, Alex stiffened in surprise. He would've thoughtlessly agreed with Thomas until Ino's dissent jolted him out of that reflex. As far as Ino was concerned, she had done nothing wrong. Her background was other people's problems, not her own.
Why did Alex lack the confidence that a young woman like Ino had?
"Your life could be a lot easier," Thomas curiously pressed.
She scoffed with a wry smile. "It probably would be. But, Adeia created me in this unequal image. Why should I not remain loyal to her design?"
Whilst there was a twinge of sarcasm lacing her tone, it didn't sound bitter or resentful.
"Is that why you chose Moira?" Thomas quietly asked, his mood sobering.
"I like to think Moira chose me," she replied.
"People aren't born equally. Some are born poor, some impaired, and some have their tragic destinies already mapped out for them.
Life is an unequal pain. Death, though? Death is equal.
It reaches everyone in the end with no differing kindness.
Dust and bones look the same regardless of who you are and no one could tell a slave from a king once he's ash.
I am loved by Moira as much as anyone else is but the same cannot be said for Adeia. "
Thomas didn't respond.
Ino cocked her head. "I heard your colleague died."
"Yes. He did," Alex painfully confirmed.
Ino stepped up in front of Thomas, her short stature reaching no higher than his chest. It didn't seem to intimidate her in the slightest.
"Be happy for him," she said. "He will never experience pain again. Do you not think that's merciful?"
"Ino," Alex warned.
For Thomas, who loathed the idea of Moira, Ino was cutting too close to the bone in an already sore wound.
"You don't even look sympathetic," Thomas accused, his jaw tight.
Ino stepped away before saying: "It's kind, Sir Thomas."
"Ino. That's enough." Alex was firmer this time.
Playfulness was dropped, her body stilling as she stared up at Alex with those piercing blues. She was reading him for something, thinking. Eventually, she spoke.
"Are you going with him?"
With James, he assumed she meant. It was none of her business, but if it meant she stopped provoking Thomas, he'd reluctantly yield.
"I am."
She nodded curtly. "Good."
It wasn't a matter of Ino worrying for him, he quickly realised. She'd asked that question for a reason.
"Why?" he questioned.
She swayed, smiling coldly. "I'm curious."
"Bollocks," Alex snapped. "You said it was good. Why?"
They stared each other down. Alex wasn't an idiot. Ino had always known more than she let on, dropping little clues for her own enjoyment. She wanted others to pick up on them but she also found it offensive the more subtle the hints someone caught.
Her eyes narrowed, her smile growing. "You ended up caring for that monster, did you?"
"Yes," Alex easily admitted, refusing to be side-tracked. "You're the one who dropped the hint. So, tell me, why is it good?"
She let go of her annoyance and inched away from the two of them, going to leave. Alex was about to grab her arm but she looked him in the eye and grinned.
"Because," she drawled. "I know what's going to happen."