Chapter 3
The next morning, I woke up startled for a second, and then I remembered I was here, safe in Shadow Wolf Creek.
I swung my legs over the bed and sat up.
I put my face in my hands. I was supposed to be at home getting ready to log into my class, but instead, I was here because my ex-husband had some type of weird vendetta against me.
I would never understand it. He had been violent with me, but not only that, he had been cheating, got Tameka pregnant, but when I had left and got a divorce, he had done everything he could to make me miserable, dragging me back and forth into the court system, playing victim.
It didn’t compute to me, but I guess an abuser’s logic was never going to make sense to me anyway.
Zoe started to whine. I stood up and walked over. She had always been such a quiet baby. Her big brown eyes were always scanning and watching. Sure, she cried and made noise, but she just never cried much. I walked over and picked her up.
“Good morning, baby,” I said as I rubbed my cheek against hers.
It felt like it was the first time I had really looked at her in a while.
I had been so busy trying to handle stuff, juggling class, trying to make sure I was on top of things, that she had grown up right in front of me, and I had missed it.
I was with her every day, but I hadn't been paying attention, not in the way I should.
As soon as all of this is over, we are going to spend some time together, pretty girl. Just you and me.
Her stomach made a loud gurgling sound, and then the smell hit me. I balled my face up.
“But right now, you STINK.”
She smiled.
I walked her over to the changing station and got her cleaned up, and then I took a few extra minutes to brush her hair.
I slid her into a pink onesie that had a big pink elephant on it.
I chuckled, thinking about my mother dragging Nathaniel shopping for baby clothes, but she probably didn’t even have to convince him much.
He loved the ground she walked on. It was easy to see by the way he looked at her.
They say the eyes are the window to the soul.
I thought about David standing in the doorway, his eyes low and red as he yelled at me or called me lazy because his dinner wasn’t ready.
I thought about the way he had rolled his eyes when I told him I still wasn’t ready for sex at the six-week mark after delivery.
David had been missing in action during my postpartum recovery, but my mother had been my rock. She had hired somebody to cook and clean, and she had handled all things, baby, while I slept. She had even helped bathe me because I had second-degree tears from labor.
I remember the way I had been embarrassed when she had helped me into my diaper. She had looked at me and said, “Girl, please,” and I had immediately started laughing.
When I had delivered, she had been in the room advocating for me, making sure everybody was listening to me, and when the epidural hit and made me feel like I couldn't breathe, she damn near set it off in there until they listened to me.
David had been too busy smiling at a blonde nurse, so if my mother hadn't been there... the thought trailed off.
Why am I sitting here about to cry?
I did my best to focus on the perfect little baby who was sitting there staring at me.
“Alright, baby. Come on.”
As soon as I opened the door, I smelled salmon.
“Right on time,” Nathaniel said as I walked into the kitchen and sat Zoe in her car seat.
He walked over and set a plate in front of me.
“Thank you.”
“How did you sleep?” he asked.
“Just fine. And you?”
“I wake up beside my dream every day,” he said, smiling.
I rolled my eyes. “I swear, you two are so cheesy,” I said as I picked up the fork.
“Don’t be in here calling my man cheesy,” my mother said as she walked in. She squeezed my shoulders and tossed Zoe’s hair.
She walked over to Nathaniel, and they kissed.
I loved the way they loved each other. Get it together, Kendra. We are not here for nostalgia. We are here on a mission, I said, trying to get myself together.
“So, Kendra, I was thinking maybe we could go into town for a little spa day.”
“I was thinking about trying some of those boho braids. There's this young lady in town who does them.”
I looked at my mother. The sun was barely up, and she was already smiling and ready to take on the world like it was just a place she played. She had no idea how close her daughter had come to what would have felt like the grave.
I tried to smile and keep my face blank, but I really wanted to throw myself into her arms and let her hold me. But I pushed it back down. I was a grown woman, and I needed to act accordingly. Besides, she was the one who told me that marrying David was a mistake.
I adjusted in my seat.
“Actually, Mom, I was going to see if you and Nathaniel could watch Zoe for a couple of days.”
“Sure, baby. You know we don't mind. What do you have going on?” she said as she took a bite of her salmon.
“Oh, nothing too big.”
“I just need some me time.”
I felt awful lying, but I knew I had to buy myself some time. I shrugged my shoulders.
“Me time,” my mom repeated.
“Yes. I’ve been solo parenting for a while now. I just need a couple of days to reset.”
It wasn’t a complete lie.
Her body posture got a little tense.
“Has David not been taking her on his scheduled time?” she asked.
I did my best not to start sweating. She was asking me a simple question, but I felt like I was in the hot seat. How could I explain that I never wanted David to have Zoe without me? That was an evil I couldn’t speak of.
“No, not really, Mom. He's been busy.”
My mom tilted her head. “You know, there are some resources for single mothers. Support groups, respite care. I can ask around, see if there’s anything in your area—”
“Mom. I’m fine. I just need a break. I don't need a whole gauntlet or a team. I just need Zoe safe with her Nana and grandfather.”
I looked over at Nathaniel, hoping maybe he would chime in, but he was eating his salmon. His eyes were down, but I knew he was listening.
She sat back in her seat.
“I'm sorry, Mom. I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. I appreciate all you and Nathaniel do for us. I'm just tired.”
Nathaniel cleared his throat. “I respect that you’re prioritizing your mental health. Seriously. That’s important. Take all the time you need. We got Zoe.”
He picked his plate up and took it over to the sink. My mother watched every step he took, and then he walked out, leaving us alone. She immediately looked back at me.
“You and Zoe can stay as long as you need to. I'm a woman before I'm anything, and I know sometimes we just need some space to breathe.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I said. I could feel the tears welling up in the back of my eyes. I knew if I didn't get out of this kitchen soon, I was going to cry.
She stood up. “Alright. Make sure you get enough to eat and maybe some sleep before you get on that road.”
She looked me over again, and I knew if she asked me, I was going to spill it all, but she didn't.
When she walked out of the kitchen, I took a deep breath. I finished my plate, and then I washed the dishes. It felt almost like I was stalling.
Okay, Kendra. The quicker you get out, handle your business, the quicker you get back, and you can put all this behind you because surely no court could ignore you once you prove that he had sent someone into your house to rape you.
All you have to do is make this last trip and button this shit up, and then you and Zoe can move on.
An hour later, I was standing at the front door with a little duffel bag I had smuggled out of my mom's closet. It was fancy, with a big D embroidered on the side. My mom was holding Zoe. She wasn't even looking at me.
“Bye, baby. I'll see you in a couple of days,” I said as I grabbed her little hand.
She snatched it away, and my feelings were immediately hurt. I had never left her overnight, and here she was acting like I was bothering her.
“Wow. She doesn’t even care that I’m going.”
They laughed.
“She knows she’s in good hands.”
“We’re going to have a whole adventure, aren’t we, baby girl?”
Zoe babbled something that sounded like agreement.
I laughed too.
I stood there looking at her, trying to take her all in.
I was walking back into the lion’s den, hoping the system could protect me while I hid the truth from my family.
I forced a smile.
“Okay. I’m going to head out. I want to get there before it gets late.”
“Be good for Nana and Grandpop, okay? Mommy will be back soon.”
I had just made a promise, one I was damn determined to keep.
Thirty minutes later
I had just made it out of the city limits, and of course, I had to pee. But there was nothing out here but trees.
I held it for another five minutes. I was doing that thing where you clench everything and try to think about literally anything else.
It wasn’t working.
Fuck it.
I slowed down and looked for somewhere to pull off that wasn’t completely exposed. I spotted a gap in the trees where a dirt path led off the main road.
I turned onto it and drove far enough that my car wouldn’t be visible from the main road. Then I turned off the engine.
“Damn it, Kendra. This is real classy.”