12. Chapter Twelve
Chapter Twelve
“Well, shite.” Kieran sank onto a sea-smoothed log and stared out at the whispering surf, steady and gentle…and totally indifferent to his aching heart. Cruelly ironic that his day off had dawned bright and mild, perfect weather for convincing Addy to make Trappers Cove her new home.
But no, he’d let a nightmare rattle him and fled her cozy bed, her soft, willing body, her compassionate smile.
“I’m a bleedin’ eejit.” He plucked a smooth stone from the sand and tossed it toward the foam. Mistaking it for food, a seagull fluttered after it, then flapped back to land at Kieran’s feet.
“It’d serve me right if she never talked to me again.”
The bird ruffled its feathers and stared at him with bright, beady eyes.
“Probably thinks I used her for my own selfish pleasure. That’s what I’d assume in her shoes.” He pulled a half-eaten granola bar from his pocket and tossed it to the gull, who snatched it up.
This is what he got for leaving his therapy group, for his hubris in thinking he could handle the rig fire’s blowback without help.
Sure, the long drive to Aberdeen was a pain, and the lady therapist far too saccharine for his taste, but at least that lot would have a clue how to approach dating again.
And what did he get for his stubborn pride? His night terrors returned with a vengeance. He’d rattled Addy, probably destroying her trust, and he could have hurt her too, a thought that filled him with sick dread.
With a weary sigh, he pulled his phone from his jacket pocket and re-read Addy’s text for the umpteenth time.
Please don’t let one bad dream come between us.
Sweet of her to say, but there would be more bad dreams, lots of them. After the rig fire, it had been years before he had a solid night’s sleep.
Maybe the surge of emotion he felt in Addy’s arms triggered last night’s nightmare.
Or perhaps it was the ghost, or the phase of the moon, or who feckin’ knows?
Whatever the cause, he couldn’t let night terrors take control of his life again, not when he’d finally found peace and a woman he wanted so badly.
“Who’da thought a crusty old fool like me would fall so hard for a doctor?” he asked the gull, who replied with a squawk. “Just one night with Addy, and I’m well and truly besotted. But she deserves a man who’s whole and strong, not a broken mess who battles dream demons.”
Even though he was a thousand percent sure their connection was the real deal, could a man as unstable as him dare to trust his feelings?
“Quit stalling, you fool.” He pulled up his contact list and tapped the number he’d been avoiding for too long.
Getting a cell phone signal out on the beach was a hit-or-miss affair, but this time, his call went straight through.
“Aberdeen Therapy Center. How can I direct your call?”
He cleared his throat against a sudden tightness. “Is Candace Lew available?”
“I’m sorry, sir. Candace has moved to California. Is there anyone else you’d like to speak to?”
“Uh…” He pinched the bridge of his nose, nauseated at the prospect of starting this process all over again. “Has someone else taken over the PTSD support group?”
“Not at present. I can put you in touch with a resource line at the VA.”
“I’m not a veteran,” he grumbled and ended the call. Stiff with frustration, he kicked the sand, startling the gull, who flew away in a burst of mocking laughter.
Kieran’s phone pinged in his hand. Another text from Addy:
I’m on my way. Snoot too. We’re both worried about you.
A flurry of sensations rushed through him—tingling excitement, a prickle of cold fear, and a wash of heat. But if he had a chance at fixing things after last night’s cowardice, he’d better pull his arse together right quick.
I’m on the beach.
He surveyed his surroundings—damn, he’d wandered far from home. In fact, he was closer to Addy’s place than his own.
Meet you at the lifeguard station near the Narwhal Lane stairs.
Three dots pulsed on his screen, then disappeared, then reappeared. At last, a thumbs-up emoji.
Well then, nothing to do but wait…and rehearse his apology.
Ten minutes later, a booming “Rowlf!” announced Snoot’s approach, soon followed by the sand-crusted beast himself, wiggling from nose to tail with delight.
“Hello, fella. Good to see you.” He squatted to ruffle the dog’s fur.
“Easy, Snoot,” Addy called as she trotted up to join them, each footfall kicking up a plume of sand.
God, she looked good. Fresh-faced, her cheeks glowing from the run—or perhaps from nerves as jittery as his? Her tight expression was hard to read as she swung a backpack off her shoulder and clutched it to her chest.
“I, uh, packed us lunch.”
“It’s nearly three, Addy.”
She lifted her shoulder. “Seems we talk best over food, so…”
“Right. I, uh…” His mouth went desert dry, and words stuck in his throat. “Thank you. That’s very kind of you.” He glanced around for a sheltered spot.
“Kieran.” She gripped his forearm gently, and the urgency in her voice yanked his gaze back to hers—as deep and green as the sea, a soulful stare that brooked no evasion. “I care about you. Let’s not waste time with bullshit pleasantries.”
Warmth bloomed in his chest. God, this woman! Direct and frank, and braver than he was by far.
“Agreed. And for the record, I care about you too.”
“That’s a good place to start.” She rose onto her toes and pecked his lips. “Now, where shall we eat?”
He cast a glance at the shoreline and smiled. “I know just the spot.”
He shouldered her backpack, and arm in arm they walked south, scattering little plovers before them on the mirror-smooth sand, until they reached the rock wall that marked the entrance to Ivan’s Hollow, a secret cove accessible only at low tide.
And right now, the tide was very low indeed.
On a cool autumn day like this, they’d likely have the spot to themselves.
Grinning, he clasped Addy’s hand. “Quick now, before the next wave soaks us.” He broke into a run, towing her around the outcropping and into the secret beach known only to locals. Snoot sprinted ahead of them, splashing in the shallow surf.
When they trotted to a stop, Addy dropped his hand and pivoted in a slow circle, mouth agape as she drank in the U-shaped enclosure of slate-gray cliffs dotted with wind-twisted pines.
Sugar-soft sand at their feet, gentle swells before them, and—as if cued by their arrival—a squadron of pelicans that flapped past in perfect formation, heading south.
Addy clasped her hands over her heart. “This is magical!”
“It’s my favorite place.”
While Snoot lowered his nose and wandered off to explore, Kieran led her to a log above the waterline where they sat while Addy unpacked their lunch: crusty rolls stuffed with meat, cheese, and vegetables, and dripping with oil and vinegar.
“The love child of an Italian grinder and a New Orleans muffaletta. I hope you like it.”
“You’re too good to me, Addy.” Armed with paper napkins, he took a big chomp. “Mmmf,” he moaned around a mouthful of mortadella, salami, ham, provolone, and some kind of pickled vegetable relish.
She giggled. “Here, you’ve got olive salad in your beard.” She dabbed at his chin with a napkin, and he gently seized her wrist. Better get it out now before he lost his nerve.
“Addy, love, I’m sorry. Truly I am. Last night was perfect until I spoiled it. I hadn’t had a nightmare in a while, and I foolishly put that possibility out of mind because I wanted to spend the night in your arms.” He flattened her palm over his heart. “I had no right to put you in danger.”
Her eyes glowed with emotion. “Listen, since the moment we met, I’ve been completely honest with you.
You know how rare that is for me? I usually keep the messy details to myself, but you make me feel comfortable and safe, and last night…
” The tip of her tongue chased a drop of olive oil clinging to her lip.
“You were right. Once with you is not enough.”
Did she realize how her unconscious, sensual gestures drove him mad? His cock reared up, straining painfully against his zipper. But diving back into her bed wouldn’t remove the obstacles between them.
Addy flushed and ducked her head. “I promise, I didn’t come over here to jump your bones.
I just want to clear the air and see if we can find our way past this.
” She took his hand and threaded her fingers through his.
“I really hope we can. I could use a friend who understands what I’ve been through, someone I can talk to about the aftershocks, about how to rebuild a life after going through hell. ”
Her mouth said “friend,” but the glimmer in her eye promised more.
“I wish I knew how to help you, Addy.” He sighed and shook his head. “Since coming to Trappers Cove, I’ve been fooling myself. I thought I was putting the past behind me, but…” Damn, this was hard, but he had to push through for Addy’s sake.
“I realize I’ve only been surviving, just skimming the surface,” he continued. “Meeting you makes me want to dive deep, do the hard work, you know? But I’m afraid I’m too damaged to be the friend you deserve.”
There it was, the truth in all its ugliness. Heart hammering, he waited for her to take it up—or turn away.
Addy scooted closer, pressing her thigh to his—an intoxicating distraction. “I don’t need a perfect partner, Kieran, just someone I can open up to.”
A sudden lightness filled his body, fizzing like champagne and hope. He raised her hand to his lips. “That I can do.”
The way her pupils flared at the touch of his mouth on her skin…Jaysus!
“So, I have a confession,” she continued, extricating her hand. “I’ve been dodging therapy.”
“You? But you’re so brave, Addy.”
She flashed a wry grin. “I did what needed to be done. I didn’t really have a choice.
” She pinched off a chunk of bread from her sandwich and pitched it toward their growing audience of hopeful seagulls.
“Funny how, once you have a degree behind your name, people think you’ve got it all figured out. I don’t, Kieran, not at all.”
“What have you tried?”
She winced, wrinkling her nose adorably.
“I’ve been relying on my friend Liv, which isn’t fair to her.
She’s got a crazy-busy caseload, but the therapist assigned to me…
” She circled her wrist, searching for words.
“He sets me on edge. His eyes remind me of a shark’s—flat, unemotional.
And he mostly just repeats what I say, as if that’s supposed to cure me.
So I tried a support group on base, but.
..” She crumpled her napkin, evading his gaze.
“It’s held during the duty day, so I had to attend in uniform, and…
it got awkward. All these young guys in combat specialties, and here’s me, a pampered doctor, and old enough to be their mom. ”
“Can you request a different therapist?”
“That’d be selfish of me. So many people need therapy, and there aren’t enough mental health practitioners to help them all.”
“I see.” He looped his arm around her waist, snugging her closer. “Sounds like you need to find support off the base.”
Chuckling, she nudged him with her shoulder. “It never occurred to me to look. We military folks can be kind of insular, I guess. See? That’s why I need your perspective.”
“Glad to help, ma’am.” He gave her knee a squeeze. “And since we’re confessing, I’ve been dodging therapy too.”
“Is there someone you can see here?”
He shook his head. “The hospital—really, it’s more of a clinic—anyway, they lost their last psych doc a while ago. There’s a family therapist, but she mostly works with kids.”
“Huh.” She paused to attack her sandwich again, chewing thoughtfully as she stared out to sea. The seagull squad tap-danced closer, hoping for another handout.
The words pushed hard, itching to escape Kieran’s lips. Stay here, Addy. With me. Our community needs more doctors…and I need you. Before he could blurt out something so audacious, and probably scare her away for good, he stuffed his mouth with more delicious sandwich.
“Tell you what,” she said at last after tossing the remnants of her meal to the hungry gulls, “when I get back home, I’ll do some research. There must be support groups between Fort Lewis-McChord and here.”
Home. Wherever that was for Addy, it wasn’t here. His stomach sank like a stone in a pond. That’s what he got for spinning foolish fantasies.
“Thanks, Doc. That’s kind of you.” He hoped he didn’t sound as gloomy as he felt, because the threat of her departure blotted all the joy from this sweet moment.
“Hey.” Her soft hand closed over his and squeezed with surprising strength. “Look at me, Kieran. Please.”
He did, lips pressed tightly together to quell their wobble. Addy cupped his cheek. “I don’t know what to do about us. My life is such a…” She chuckled. “Well, I shouldn’t use such language around you.”
“Go ahead. Whatever it is, I’ve heard worse.”
The corners of her mouth ticked up. “Fine. My life is such a clusterfuck, I don’t know which way is up, and I may not for some time. But if you’re patient with me, we’ll figure it out together, okay?”
Addy’s probing gaze searched his for reassurance and, in that luminous moment, he could no more resist kissing her than he could stop his own heartbeat. Stroking his fingers into her hair, he lowered his mouth to hers.
“We’ll find a way,” he whispered into their kiss. “Together.”
With a resounding woof, Snoot barreled toward them, scattering the seagulls as he zoomed in circles around the log where they sat. His protective duty completed, he plopped onto the sand at their feet and stared avidly at the remains of Kieran’s sandwich.
“Can he have a bit of ham?” Kieran asked.
Laughing, Addy nodded her assent. “You’re going to spoil him, you know.”
“Give me a chance, and I’ll spoil both of you.” He tossed a scrap to the Lab, then nuzzled Addy’s neck. “But right now, the tide is turning, and the wind’s picking up. Any chance I can talk you into continuing this discussion at my place?”
She arched her throat, inviting more kisses. Her pulse galloped beneath his lips. “Right now,” she purred, “there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
Right now, Doc? What will it take to turn right now into forever?