Chapter Thirty-nine
Baxter
Lake brought Calisto’s car to a stop outside HMP Pentonville, squinting out of the window as if comparing it to the other prison we’d visited recently. Different brick—brown instead of Wakefield’s red—and less fortress-like, was my immediate thought. But a prison still.
I’d wanted to do this alone, but turning down Lake’s offer to drive with my arm still in a sling would have been stupid.
He cut the engine. “You don’t have to do this. We could just drive away.”
“I’m not scared of him. Not anymore.”
“Good.”
I leaned across and gave Lake a quick kiss before climbing out. When I glanced back from the gate, he’d already opened his laptop, his frown suggesting that whatever he’d just written wasn’t exactly filling him full of joy.
Although the security checks took time, it still felt too soon when they led me into the visiting room. I sat on the curved plastic chair, the black table between us. His gaze flicked over me, lingering a fraction longer on the sling, but he didn’t comment.
“You accepted my visit request,” I said, breaking the silence. “You knew I was coming.”
Owen gave a one-shouldered shrug. “That didn’t guarantee you’d turn up.” He leaned forward, exhibiting enough movement that a nearby officer shifted their position ever so slightly to keep him in view. “I thought you might chicken out.”
I regarded him silently. The air between us hummed with something strange and tangled—identical twins who weren’t identical, brothers who’d never gotten to know each other, victim and murderer.
The list of contradictions felt endless.
Ironically, for someone incarcerated, he looked better than the last time I’d seen him.
Better groomed. Less haunted. More color in his cheeks.
His gaze drifted back to my sling. “I hope you’re not expecting me to thank you.”
“Would you rather be dead?” It was a question I’d pondered multiple times in the nine days since it had happened. It was one of the main reasons I was here. Lake called it closure. I called it curiosity. Closure would have been letting go and watching him plunge to his death.
Owen’s gaze slid to the empty chair next to me. “Where is lover boy? I thought you two were joined at the hip.” Something flickered in his eyes. “Don’t tell me he doesn’t know you’re here.”
“If you mean Lake, he’s waiting in the car.” I lifted my arm slightly within the confines of the sling. “I’m not allowed to drive until the doctor okays it.”
“What’s the damage?”
“Do you care?”
Another shrug. “Just making conversation.”
“Weakness and tingling mean I have nerve damage. I start physio in a couple of weeks.”
“You should have let go.”
“Probably.”
Owen sat up straighter. “Will you marry him?”
“Lake?”
“Who else?”
“Probably.”
“Bit old for you, isn’t he?” There was a provocation in Owen’s eyes. I met his stare without blinking and refused to give him the satisfaction of stating the obvious.
“I thought about killing him instead of Jamie.”
My fingers curled into fists before I forced them to relax. “If you had, I would have let go.”
That pleased him enough to smile. “See! We’re not so different, you and I.”
“We’re very different.”
Owen plucked a bottle of water from the table and transferred it from hand to hand. “You told them about my parents.”
“I did,” I said evenly. “Whether or not they deserved it, it was still murder, and I saw no reason to keep secrets for you. You tried to kill me. Again.”
Owen let out a sigh. “It wasn’t the same. We were supposed to go together. It would have been—”
“Fucked up,” I cut in before he could put a more romantic spin on it. “It would have been fucked up. I didn’t want to die. I’ve done it before, and I didn’t much like it.”
He leaned forward again, closer this time. “But do you like being alive?”
“Answer my question first.”
He feigned ignorance. “What question?”
“Do you wish you’d died?”
He studied a cut on the back of his hand. “Do you know what reading minds in prison is like?”
“That’s not—”
He held up a hand. “I’m getting there. Let me get there in my own time.
” When I nodded, he continued. “There are so many secrets. What they did. What they’ve hidden.
Who they’ve hidden it with. The contraband they’ve stashed away.
The man who knows all of that information could be king if he’s clever.
So no, I don’t wish I were dead, but I’m still not thanking you. ”
I stood, Owen blinking up at me in surprise. “You’re leaving already.”
“Lake’s waiting for me, and I have another meeting. And you have a kingdom to run.”
He laughed. “That I do.”
I’d barely turned away when he called my name.
“What?”
“Do you think our parents will come to see me?”
“No,” I answered honestly. “But they won’t come to see me either, so…”
“What about you?” There was a watchfulness beneath the casual tone. “Will you come again?”
“Do you want me to?”
“Yes.”
“Maybe.” That was the most I could give him. His eyes burned a spot between my shoulder blades as I walked away.
I hadn’t lied when I’d told Owen I had another meeting.
Cade had chosen the same day to summon me to his office—one month shy of the three-month target he’d set.
Which probably meant… Actually, I didn’t have a clue what it meant.
It could mean he was eager to cut ties and stop paying me, or it could just as easily mean he wanted to extend the hand of reconciliation after everything that had happened.
I had no doubt that Asher had kept him up to speed with everything.
Asher met my question of how long Cade would keep me waiting with a shrug. When Cade finally appeared at the door, I was surprised Asher remained seated at his desk. “You’re not coming in?”
He raised his head, his glacial blue gaze meeting mine. “I think you can handle this on your own.”
“You didn’t think I could handle it two months ago.”
“You were a wreck then.”
“And now?”
He smiled. “And now you’re not.”
The words were simple, but true. I slept more than a couple of hours at a time. I got my calories from food instead of alcohol. I didn’t pick up and discard men like they were clothes that never fit right. Meeting Lake had changed everything.
Cade didn’t speak until we were sitting on either side of his desk. “How are you?”
I noticed for the first time how perpetually exhausted he always looked.
I also recognized that the signs had always been there: eyes that took a millisecond too long to focus, shoulders always an inch too high, a faint crease between the brows that never went away, and movements that took more conscious thought than they should.
I noticed it because it wasn’t that long since I’d lived it.
“I’m…” It still took practice not to trot out the standard phrase of being fine. “I’m getting there.”
“You look better.” His gaze dropped. “Well, apart from the sling.”
“I feel better… apart from the sling.”
He leaned back in his chair. “I understand you visited the prison this morning.”
“Asher’s got a big mouth.”
Cade laughed. “Asher wanted me to know that you might have had a somewhat trying morning. Was it trying?”
“It was okay.”
Cade nodded, looking like he wanted to say more, but wasn’t sure he should.
“Anyway,” I said, “you didn’t invite me here to talk about prison visits.”
“I didn’t,” Cade agreed. “I wanted to talk about your suspension.”
“With a view to making it more permanent, or to ending it early?” I didn’t read his mind. In this scenario, it would feel like cheating.
He steepled his fingers together. “What do you want, Baxter? And don’t give me any bullshit. The man sitting in front of me today is one I’ve never met before. You were playing a part before and playing it well.”
“I want…” I sat back in my chair, my brow creasing as I considered the question. “I want to be happy.”
“And what will make you happy?”
“Lake,” I said without hesitation. “It’s a cliché to say that the love of a good man changes everything, but it really does.”
“And where does the PPB figure in that?”
It felt like we were dancing around each other, with neither willing to commit to what they really wanted to say.
I took Cade’s advice to drop all the bullshit.
“I know how badly I fucked up,” I admitted.
“If I look back now, I can see that I was a powder keg waiting to blow. I didn’t care about the job.
I needed people around me, but at the same time, I wanted to be left alone. You were right to suspend me.”
“I know I was. But that doesn’t answer my question.”
“I like it here,” I said. “It feels like…” I laughed at the word I was about to use, recognizing the cheesiness of it.
“It feels like home. Calisto’s here. Asher’s here.
I spent the last few years here, even though no one but Calisto knew it.
I like Leo and Silas. I like Kendrick, even if he takes brooding to a new level.
So…” I swallowed my pride and put it all on the line.
“I’d like my job back if possible, but I’ll also understand if you’re not prepared to give me a second chance. ”
“I already gave you a second chance when I suspended you instead of firing you.”
“You did, but Asher heavily influenced that decision.”
A muscle ticked in Cade’s cheek. “This is my business, not his.”
“It is,” I agreed. “But you’d find it incredibly difficult to manage without him. And as we both know, Mr. Moneybags could leave any time he wants to.”
“Mr. Moneybags.” Cade’s lips twitched. “That’s a new one.”
“John wouldn’t approve. It has no link to ice.”
“Probably not.”
“So…?” I asked, leaving the rest of the question hanging.
Cade sat back with a sigh. “I would like to give you more recuperation time. You’ve been through a lot. When I told you to go away and sort your life out, I had no idea what that would entail.”
“But?”
“Leo has taken an extended leave of absence.”
“Is he okay?”
Cade waved a dismissive hand. “He has… stuff going on.”
“Oh, stuff,” I said with a slight smirk.
“Which leaves me with only two psychics. And while Kendrick is quite the model employee and Silas works hard, they can’t do everything. I could put out feelers for a temporary replacement, but that takes time.”
I was already smiling. “You need me,” I said.
“I need someone who can read minds. But only if that someone is ready to give one hundred percent to the job.”
“I’m ready.”
Cade only looked half convinced, but given how backed into a corner he was, that was understandable. Leo must have given him quite the sob story to be released at such short notice. “When?” I asked.
“Monday. Kendrick and Silas can hold the fort till then.”
Given it was only Wednesday, Monday was fine. It gave me four days to spend with Lake.
Cade’s gaze flicked back to the sling. If I’d known it got this much attention, I might have sported one earlier. “Let Asher know any dates you have coming up for medical appointments.”
“I will. He absolutely thrives on that stuff. It’ll keep him happy for at least ten minutes.”
“Monday,” Cade repeated as a dismissal.
I stood and made my way over to the door, pausing before I opened it. “I might be overstepping, but you should take a holiday.”
Cade stared at me as if I’d suggested he should cover his feet in sand and use them to re-home crabs. “A holiday. That’s a good one.”