Chapter 30 Octavian
OCTAVIAN
Istare at the ceiling as Keira's breathing slows and gets shallow. She's finally asleep.
Her body is curled into mine, one leg tossed over my thigh, her hand resting on my chest like it belongs there. Like I belong here.
I should stay. Every damn nerve ending in me is begging to stay. To wrap myself around her and sink into this warmth, this quiet, this thing I don't have a name for.
But I don't.
I shift and she mumbles something incoherent and turns away from me. I use the movement to slip free.
I walk slowly over to the door and turn the knob without making a sound. I step into the hallway and close it gently behind me. I take a deep breath now that I'm on the other side of her door.
The house is silent as the sun just starts to come up.
I make my way back to my room. My hands are shaking. I clench them into fists, but it doesn't help.
I slip into my room and take a seat on the edge of the bed. I put my elbows on my knees, and I drop my face into my hands.
Her scent clings to me. My fingers still smell like her. I rub my face, trying to scrub it away, but it only spreads into my nose and lungs.
I've protected a lot of women, but I've never touched any of them, let alone had sex with them.
I've never even thought about it.
Not once. Not in six years of doing this work.
And now I've done it twice, with her.
I stare at the bedroom floor.
What the hell am I doing?
And now my hands shake a little, which pisses me off more than anything else.
Because it means I'm losing control. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. That second time on the counter, it wasn't strategy. It wasn't even need. It was desperation. I felt the need to possess her while devoting myself to her.
And now, it's freaking me out and I'm spiraling backwards.
I should have stayed professional. Should have kept my hands to myself. Should have done my job and nothing else.
But judging by the fact that it felt like I was tearing my own goddamn ribs out when I left her bed, clearly I'm losing control.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
This isn't about the job anymore. It hasn't been for a while, no matter what bullshit I tell myself.
I don't guard her because Callum told me to. I don't stick around to make sure Nicolae is happy. No, I want to protect her because I just…need to.
Because the thought of someone hurting her makes my vision go red. Because something inside me howls when she's hurt, when she's scared, when someone even looks at her wrong. Because when I touch her, I forget I was ever anything but hers.
And that's the fucking problem.
I stand and start pacing.
It's not a maybe, it's a definite. I'm compromised.
Maybe I need to get through this gala and then tell her brothers I can't continue the assignment.
I don't even give a fuck if they pay me or not.
She's given me more than money ever could. The admission sits heavy in my chest.
I still taste her on my tongue. Sweet and addictive. And for a moment, I get this overwhelming feeling like it's something I need to survive. Like once I got a taste, my body doesn't know how to function without it.
No.
That's crazy.
I shake my head, forcing the thought away.
This isn't about need. This is about discipline. Control. Doing the job right.
Shit.
I'm scared that I can't be an effective guard for her anymore. Scared I'll hesitate at the wrong moment or make a call based on what I want instead of what keeps her safe.
I mean, how can I keep my head clear when just being inside her made me feel like I'd found something I didn't even know I was missing?
God, if something happened to her while I'm this fucked up in the head about her, I'd never forgive myself.
What do I do?
I continue pacing back and forth. I start to get mad at the uncertainty and chaos in my head. Thoughts running through my head I've never felt before. Like an ocean tossing a ship back and forth with no end in sight.
I can't let her down.
Don't do that to her, Octavian.
You can't fail. Not again.
I press the heels of my hands into my eyes until I see stars.
Suddenly, I see my brother's face. Still hear the way he begged me to stay out that night. Still feel the heat of the explosion.
I may not have been able to protect my brother, but I vowed to never let that happen again.
I do not fail. Not ever. And I sure as fuck won't fail her.
But sitting here, alone in this cold room with her scent still on my skin, I feel like I already have.
Get it together, man.
Focus.
If there's one thing I know about myself, if I wanted to leave, I would have. So all this is just a head game I'm new to playing.
And then it hits me.
She matters more than any job. More than any paycheck. More than any vow I made when I started working for the Ionescus.
Shadowharbor's gala tonight will be crawling with people who either want to use her or kill her, and I need to be sharp.
I need to be the man who doesn't flinch, who doesn't feel, who keeps the asset alive no matter what.
My phone buzzes on the nightstand. I grab it, half expecting it to be Nicolae, but it's a message from Declan.
I know it's early, but I pulled some strings like you asked.
You need to head over to the Fairmont Mandarin Plaza now. You’ll be able to do your security sweep with the other security staff.
Keira wasn't kidding. Two senators and a presidential hopeful will be at the gala tonight, so they're letting security teams do a walkthrough.
It's at 7:30 a.m. and you're on the list just like your asked.
I type back.
I'll get ready and head over.
Also, Callum wants us out of sight, but I'm not letting my twin go into this alone. No offense.
So me and my men will be outside as support. The moment anything goes sideways, fucking call me and I'm there.
I type back:
Understood. Hopefully I don't need you.
Declan doesn't respond, just likes the message.
I set my phone down, get dressed and just as I'm putting on my cufflinks, my phone rings again.
Nicolae.
I let it go to voicemail.
I swipe up and open my last text from him.
Secure alliance, Octavian. Let her lead you right to them.
My jaw clenches.
Nicolae doesn't care, and this is the first time it bothers me.
To him, Keira's just another piece on the board. A means to an end.
But to me…
I delete the message.
Fuck Nicolae.
Fuck the alliance.
Fuck the plan.
If anyone tries to take her tonight, or ever, I'll kill them where they stand.
I pocket my phone and make my way outside. Keira's still asleep, so at least she's resting and not going crazy like I am.
I start my car and put the hotel in my GPS. I pull out of the driveway and look at Keira's house in my rearview mirror.
She's mine now, whether she knows it or not. Whether I even have the right or not.
I will protect her, even if it destroys me in the process and burns every bridge in my life.
They'll have to kill me to reach her. And even then, I'd find a way back.