Chapter 44
FORTY-FOUR
X anthe exhaled, sweet relief flooding her because he’d missed her as much as she’d missed him. She rested her forehead against the hard curve of his shoulder, placed her hands on his broad back. His muscles were taut beneath her palms.
“I missed you too.” She’d spent the days they’d been apart doing all kinds of mental gymnastics trying to figure out what had happened that might justify his behavior.
He kissed the top of her head. Held her for another minute as if he couldn’t bear to let her go, then finally released her.
She let him into the house and walked into the small living room by the front window. Curling up into a corner of Willow’s loveseat, she left him to take the couch opposite her and waited.
His hazel gaze was level. “I don’t tell people about my personal life. Even when I’m involved with someone,” he began. “The one time I told someone I thought I could trust, it blew up in my face.”
A little pang struck her heart. It annoyed her that she was already softening and feeling empathy for him after the way he’d treated her, but she was too emotionally attached to him to prevent it. “What did I see, Blaine?” It had been scary. That look on his face had been almost animalistic.
He pulled in a slow, deep breath. “That was my mom.”
She’d thought so. Hearing it confirmed was somehow worse. “What happened to her?”
“I told you she raised me alone. But I didn’t tell you she’s battled severe mental illness her whole life.”
“What kind of illness?”
“Bipolar One disorder.”
Ah, shit. “I’m sorry. That’s really tough.” And based on what she’d walked into that day, his mom must have been incredibly unstable.
“Yeah. And it was made worse because she wasn’t diagnosed until several years after she’d had me.
” He rubbed his hands along his thighs. An uncharacteristic show of anxiety from a man who always came across as solid and impervious as a rock.
“To give you the condensed version, she was in a severe car accident when she was fourteen. Her parents and brother were killed, and she suffered a traumatic brain injury.”
She nodded in understanding. “A major risk factor associated with a higher risk for developing bipolar disorder later in life.” Along with a higher instance of experiencing severe depression in middle age.
Up to fifteen years after the injury, if she remembered from the paper she’d read on it years back.
He blinked. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that you know that. But yes.” He sighed. “Things were…rough. After my dad died, she had no one to lean on. Our life was like being strapped into a rollercoaster that sometimes went right off the rails.”
Another sharp twinge lit up her chest. She hated the thought of Blaine growing up like that, seeing his mom spiral up and down.
“When things were good, she was great. Best mom you could ask for. But then she’d hit a manic or a depressive episode, and…
” He shook his head, seemed to search for the right words.
“The manic ones were the worst. Sometimes they’d last a week or more, and I would live in fear of when the police would come and take her to the hospital. ”
Oh, God. “What happened to you then?”
“I was put into a temporary foster home.”
It broke her heart. “That must have been so hard.”
He nodded. “She never physically abused me, but she could be neglectful, and she self-harmed when she was at her most unstable. I saw a lot of it. The meds they had her on stopped being effective. Over time, the side effects made it necessary to change drugs. That’s when things usually went to shit.
I hated the stigma. The way people judged her.
Us. I’ve spent my life trying to shield her from all that. Shield both of us.”
“I’m so sorry.” Now she understood why he hadn’t told her before.
“She was finally assigned to a good psychiatrist. She got meds, counseling, all that. But even after all that, there would be times when the meds would stop being effective and she would cycle in and out again. That was when we found out she also had schizophrenia.”
My God. The poor woman. And poor Blaine. “So that’s what happened the other day?”
“Yes. She’d been increasingly unstable leading up to it.
I’d gone over to Seattle that last time because she’d been hospitalized again.
They screwed up her meds. I thought she was stable.
Stable enough for me to leave her, at least. But she was waiting for me to leave so she could escape and come here.
I got the call after I flew back, when I was almost home.
I walked in to find her with Maddy in the kitchen, and I knew right away something was off. ”
Xanthe braced herself for the rest, not wanting to interrupt with questions.
“She was delusional. Grabbed a knife before I could stop her and tried to slash her throat. To punish herself or me or both, I don’t know.”
She sucked in a breath, cringing. Jesus.
“I stopped her in time, but she sliced my arm in the process. I disarmed her, did everything I could to subdue her without hurting her while Maddy called nine-one-one. She fought me tooth and nail all the way upstairs, where I had an emergency med kit with a tranquilizer in it. You walked in just as I injected her.”
It all checked out. All made a terrible kind of sense. And she’d misjudged him yet again. Badly. “Are you alright?”
Tenderness filled his expression. “Me?”
“Yes, you.” Because she was sure nobody had bothered to ask him. Except maybe Maddy, whom she had decided to absolutely not be jealous of. Knowing she had been there for Blaine if he needed someone was the only comfort Xanthe could find at the moment.
“My arm’s fine. Just a few stitches, it’ll be healed in?—”
“I wasn’t talking about your arm.” He was dealing with a shit ton of trauma. Did he even realize how much?
He stilled. “I’m better now. I fired everyone on her old team, hired a new one, and upgraded security in her condo building.”
“I hope you’re suing the old ones.”
“ Oh, yeah. The doctor in charge of her care now is one of the best in the country. He works with complex cases exclusively and got her on what seems to be the right combo of meds right away.”
“That’s great news.”
“Yes. And by the way, I’m not telling you all this so you feel sorry for me. I want you to know because you deserve an explanation, and you need to understand that my life is complicated. She’s my mom, and I love her, no matter what,” he added, a fierce light in his eyes.
Oh, damn. That only made her admire him even more. “I understand.”
“She’s a good person. When she’s stable, she’s the best person.
But there’s always the chance she’ll become unstable again, and I never know when or if it’ll happen.
I keep hoping it’ll stop, that each time is the last time, but…
The truth is, I have no idea what the future looks like for her. Or me.”
Wow. Such a hard thing to live with. “You’re a good son.”
He shrugged. “She’s my mom. And I’m all she’s got. She asked about you, by the way.”
“Yeah?”
“I told her all about you. She was horrified that you saw her like that. Both of us were. She hates that her illness has impacted my life to this extent. She wants me to be happy, told me to haul my ass back here and get on my knees until you heard me out.”
“Stop.”
“She did. But I want you to know that I want to be happy too.”
“You deserve to be.”
He gave her a soft smile. Sobered. “So do you.”
And there it was. Her out, if she wanted it. But she didn’t. Not anymore.
“I’ve had lots of time to think since this happened. And the truth is… You make me happy, Xanthe. Happier than I’ve been in a long, long time.”
Her pulse picked up. Yeah, they were way past casual now, no matter what they’d said before. Fighting it seemed like a losing battle. But, oh, man, he could hurt her so easily.
“So I’m hoping you’ll forgive me for lashing out at you the other day and give me another chance.”
She pressed her lips together. Refused to cry even though her throat was tight, emotions building pressure like a geyser in her chest.
“I know you said you want casual.”
“Yeah, well, that was before you went and made me fall for you!” It burst out of her with such vehemence that he blinked.
“So you’ll give me another chance?” he asked after a moment of silence.
Please, as if she could turn him away after all this? But he needed to know the ground rules if they were going to continue this. “That depends.”
“On?”
“Are you going to shut me out again the next time something hard happens? Because I won’t go through that again if we’re sleeping together. Especially after this.”
“That’s fair, and I completely understand.”
“Which means?” She wanted clarity. Wanted to hear him say the words.
His lips twitched. “I promise not to shut you out again. And since we’re being honest, I’m not okay with the casual part of this agreement.”
A secret thrill shot through her. “I’m not either. But there’s another piece to you not shutting me out.”
“Okay.”
“You’ve stepped up for me when I needed you. With Onyx. With my house. If this hadn’t happened with your mom, I know you would have been there for me this whole week too.”
“I would have, absolutely.”
“Then you need to let me be there for you too. Because I’ll always step up when you need me. But you can’t just shut me out when I do.”
His expression changed. Softened. “Sweetheart, come here.”
Her insides trembled with uncertainty. She didn’t want to be hurt anymore. Wanted to believe this thing between them had a chance.
Ignoring the warning plea her heart sent up, she stood and went to him.
Blaine pulled her into his lap and crushed her to his chest with a low, almost guttural groan. “God, I’ve needed this.”
“Same,” she whispered back, dizzy under the twin lash of relief and endorphins. “I wish I’d been with you this whole time.”
He tipped her chin up. Stared deep into her eyes for a moment before kissing her.
With regret, she stopped it before it got out of hand. Even though her heart was racing and her body longed for more. Much, much more. Time was tight. “I’ve got a research flight to catch.”
“Damn. Can you reschedule it for the morning? There’re only a few hours of daylight left anyway, and there’s a storm front moving in.”
“I’ve already paid for this afternoon’s slot. Charlie’s going to have me back before the weather turns ugly.”
“I’ll pay you back and book you one for tomorrow.”
She grinned. “I need to go today. But…you could come with me.”
“Come with you…here?”
She rolled her eyes at the terrible pun, the hope on his face. “In the plane.”
His eyebrows shot up. “You wanna join the Mile High Club with me in Charlie’s floatplane?”
A laugh burst out of her, and damn it felt good. The first time since walking into his house that she felt like she could actually breathe again. “No. You and I aren’t casual, and I don’t share. Not even visually.”
“Good to know,” he murmured, staring at her mouth a moment before he focused on her eyes. “So, we’re really leaving?”
“Yes. And the sooner we get going, the sooner we’ll be free for other things.” The world seemed a thousand times brighter as she dropped a quick kiss on his mouth, stood, and rushed to get her equipment.