16. Jayne #2
I pause and look at Detective Budd, waiting for her to confirm or deny that Ben told her something similar, but she doesn’t say anything other than “Go on.”
“Okay, so I ran the rest of the way there. The feeling in my stomach—the initial stabbing pain—was gone, but the ghost of it was still there, and I just felt sick with worry. Sadie and I have had that kind of connection before. Like, when my appendix burst in sixth grade, she collapsed, screaming in her chair, in another class at exactly the same time. Turns out her appendix was fine, no issues. But she could literally feel my pain. It’s the kind of story my parents still like to tell at parties when people ask what it’s like having twins. ”
“I believe you, Jayne. I deal with the facts, but I’m smart enough to know there’s more to the world than what we can see.”
“Thanks, Detective. I told the other cops about it earlier too, but I’m pretty sure they just thought I was crazy.”
“I would tell you I’m surprised, but frankly, that tracks. But I promise, it would take more than sharing something about your intuition for you to be labeled as crazy in my book.”
I nod. We understand each other, me and Detective Budd, and I find myself curious about how she found herself sitting in the chair across from me. Another story, maybe, for another time.
“Can you tell me what you saw once you got to the barn? Take all the time you need.”
What I saw once I got to the barn. As she asks the question, I realize for the first time that these memories will be with me forever. What I saw, what happened to Sadie. They will always be with me. I hold on to the necklace she gave me for an extra boost of strength.
“I got there first. Before Ben. And I saw Mason Vreeland,” I say.
“And at first I thought he was alone and that he was sick or something, because he was hunched over and moving in this weird way. It was scary, and I almost turned around and just left. But then I saw that he was standing over something, and I realized… I realized it was her. My sister. She was covered in blood, and he was holding this knife. I just couldn’t make sense of it.
Sadie was gasping, and then I must have made some kind of sound, because Mason turned to me, and his eyes just looked black.
There was nothing there. That’s when Ben burst in. ”
“And then what happened?”
I’m aware that I’m crying, but I don’t wipe my tears.
“I was frozen in place,” I say. “I can’t explain it, but I just stood there.
But Ben was so brave. He realized what was happening, and he vaulted toward Mason and pulled him off Sadie.
They struggled. Mason was trying to slash him with the knife.
I finally came to my senses and ran to Sadie, but there was so much blood.
It was too much. I knew it was too much for her to be okay.
The next time I looked over at Ben and Mason, Mason was lying still.
I think Ben—” I take a deep breath, realizing this is also the first time I’m saying all this out loud.
“I think Ben choked him to death. He did what he had to do, Detective. I have no idea what would have happened if he wasn’t there.
I could be dead now too. Mason could have gotten away with it and be walking around today like nothing even happened.
Ben was in such bad shape himself, but he just kind of crawled over to where I was sitting with Sadie, and he held her in his arms, and he”—my voice chokes up—“he just told her that he loved her. And that it would be okay. And that’s probably when she took her last breath.
It wasn’t until I realized that she was really gone that I started screaming.
And then I couldn’t stop. That’s when Liz came running in—she heard me.
And eventually, a lot of the other kids did too, because I couldn’t stop screaming.
And then someone called the cops. And now here I am, talking to you. ”
“I’m so very, very sorry for your loss, Jayne. And for what you endured… It wasn’t your fault.”
I look up at her, my vision blurry with tears.
“Wasn’t it, though?” I ask. “I can’t stop going over every detail, wondering what I could have done differently.
What if I hadn’t told my parents about the party?
What if Sadie and Liz just went like it was nothing, and what if I didn’t show up there?
What if all this happened because Mason thought Sadie was me, and he only thought that because he’d heard I came to the party?
What if my dad hadn’t forgotten his medication, and my parents hadn’t needed to come home early? ”
“Sweetheart,” Detective Budd says, and I’m surprised by the soft kindness in her voice.
“If you keep asking yourself all those questions, you’ll never hear yourself think again.
It is what it is, and it happened. It’s a terrible, awful thing, and I would never suggest that you will get over it.
But you can’t blame yourself for it. The best way to honor your sister’s life is to go live yours the very best way you can. ”
I take a few minutes to collect myself and consider those words.
“Thank you, Detective,” I say finally. “That’s really good advice.”
“I hope you take it. For your sake, and for Sadie’s.”
“It might take me some time, but I will. I promise.”
Detective Budd nods, satisfied. “Well, I know your parents are anxious to get you home, Miss Cooper. And I know how important it is for you to be together as a family right now. You’re free to go.”
Just like that, it’s over.
“If you need anything,” I find myself saying, “or have other questions for me, if there’s anything at all I can do…”
“I promise, we will reach out. Thank you, Jayne. You’ve been through enough. Get some rest.”
The heavy metal door opens, and I blink at the bright daylight coming through the windows of the station hallway. It’s a reminder that the world still exists. That the sun still rose today. That there is a new life to live, and I have the power to choose how to live it.
For Sadie.
When I get outside, Ben is sitting on a bench, waiting. My phone gives a sudden ping, startling me. I had to turn it over to the police when I first got here. I glance down, assuming it’s my parents.
Evan’s name pops up on the screen. And he has questions.