Chapter 19
‘W hat do you mean?’ I warble into the receiver as I clutch my phone so tightly that my fingertips begin to throb against the screen.
‘Assault Alice, I’m talking about assault.’ My mother’s voice tears through the telephone waves, the lashing of her tongue just as sharp and painful as it would be in a direct attack. ‘Your little stunt at the Beaumont I don’t have to imagine those at all. They’re stuck in my mind clear as day from when I was as young as four, tugging at the ruffles of my dress, skipping down the aisle for a royal wedding when I was told over and over just to walk.
If she has been doing this all along to protect me, couldn’t she have just once shown me a glimpse of the love she is capable of? If she wished to harden me to a world that bays for her blood, couldn’t she have still loved me in private?
But then, why must everyone love me in private, or in their own messed-up way? Why must I be contented with that being how they show their love, when it does little to soothe me? Why can I not be loved loudly? Why must everyone hide their love for me? Is that why I was so taken in with Atticus? For the first time, someone was unafraid to admit their feelings; for once, loving me wasn’t something wrong or a weakness that must be concealed. But even then, his love wasn’t true. Does being loved loudly mean being loved insincerely?
I don’t realise how long I have been staring blankly out of the window until a soft tap against the glass startles me out of my own mind.
Fraser Bell is tucked behind some of the bushes and shrubs beneath my window, his light eyes wide, his expression nervous as he attempts a smile. Just as I am about to draw the curtains closed to escape him, he tosses a nother berry from the bush at the window and, before I can turn away, he beckons me to him with a shy hand. I think about his offer for a moment. I should refuse, just close the curtains, sleep the day away again, but my mind is too scrambled, too tired to try to fight against my real desires. Before I can talk myself out of it, I slip on my shoes and rush down to meet him.
‘You came?’ he whispers. His jaw is speckled with red stubble and he searches my face.
‘What can I do for you, Pipe Major Bell?’ I plaster on my best performing lion smile, though every one of my instincts screams at me to reach out and stroke the back of my fingers down his rough cheeks.
He straightens himself out, and I notice he isn’t in his usual attire but clad in a plaid shirt with his jeans muddied and bloodied at the knees. ‘It’s Clover, one of the horses, my lady.’
‘Is she okay?’ A rush of panic washes over me until his rugged face cracks into a glorious smile.
‘Come and see for yourself.’ Excitedly, he strides off towards the stables, but – hesitating for a moment – I stay, stuck in place. ‘If you’d like to, of course,’ he adds, folding his rough hands over one another timidly. Warmed by his nerves, I jog to catch up with him. We walk in silence side by side. Fraser steals glances at me every few metres, and I watch him every step in between.
‘My lady.’ Fraser stops suddenly in his tracks and turns to me. I give him a pointed look and he corrects himself. ‘Alice,’ he breathes with a smile. ‘I just wanted to say, nae, apologise. I shouldn’t … it’s my fault, I—’
I cut him off before my cheeks grow so hot that I begin to sweat. ‘Look, Fraser, let us just pretend like nothing has happened. I’d had a bad few days. I wasn’t thinking straight. We never have to even mention it again.’ I rush out my words. Each one seems to fill me with a sick feeling, but I know it’s for the best. Perhaps I kissed him because my heart is broken. Perhaps I kissed him to just feel something . If I convince him of that fact, perhaps I can convince myself also. Fraser’s face contorts in a display of pain for a moment but he quickly masks it with his professional smoulder.
‘Whatever you say, my lady.’ He nods, and my heart throbs at the sight of him. Despite all of my efforts to forget it, the only thing running around in my head is that damned kiss. We stand face to face, only just gathering enough sense to carry on breathing.
With only silence between us, Fraser bows his head, our bodies instinctively drawing closer to one another as though pulled, like we are two halves, desperate to be reunited. Only when I can feel his breath on my face, and it sends a shock of goose bumps down my neck, does the piper draw away, cough, and speak without looking at me.
‘You aren’t squeamish, are you? Not going to boke at the sight of blood?’ A nervous blush splashes over his face.
Clearing my throat, I do as he does and pretend that the last few seconds, the last overpowering feelings, never took place. ‘Okay, I might need you to spoil whatever this surprise is before I start thinking you’re going to show me a dead horse or reveal that you’re a murderer.’ Folding my arms over my chest, I stare at him down my nose with a laugh.
‘No dead things, I promise.’ Fraser raises his hands in surrender with a chuckle. ‘There is, however, some rather beautiful new life.’
‘A baby?’ I eagerly ask. Fraser only turns away with a timid smile and continues towards the stables. Skipping up right beside him, I try to force him to look me in the eye as I press and press. ‘There’s a baby isn’t there? A foal? Has she given birth?’
‘If you just wait thirty seconds longer, you’ll get to see.’ The light in his eyes is so bright as his eyes are pinched with his smile.
‘Oh my, I’m right, aren’t I?’ Clapping my hands together, I race ahead of him to the stable and push through the door. Greeting both Hamish and DeeDee as I pass, I draw up to the final stable that belongs to a quiet mare that can’t seem to get much attention when DeeDee and Hamish are involved.
The palomino mare stands in the middle of her stable, licking ceaselessly at something out of sight behind the gate. Moving forward cautiously, not wishing to startle the new mother, I see her baby in the flesh. A tiny blonde foal lies folded up in the hay, slick with afterbirth and saliva. With its eyes hardly open, the tiny foal drops its head with each firm lick from its mother as she tries to sleep but is interrupted each time.
Fraser finally catches up and leans through the hatch beside me. ‘A little beauty, isn’t she? Less than an hour old.’
‘I didn’t even know Clover was pregnant,’ I whisper.
‘She has always been a quiet wee thing. No fuss from her at all, at least compared to DeeDee. She’s the easiest mare ever.’ Fraser fusses at her golden mane, and whispers affirming words against her face with an affectionately rough kiss. ‘Now if you had come to me when you wanted to ride, I’d have recommended Clover any day of the week. If she wasn’t pregnant of course.’
Clover staggers over towards me and nestles her head in the crook of my neck. Giggling, I return her affection.
‘If the summer wasn’t almost over, I would have suggested you taking her out for a ride once she’s recovered. She suits you.’ Fraser looks at the both of us with an air of pride and I have to look away before he sees me blush.
‘I’m not leaving,’ I say, unable to raise my gaze to meet his.
‘Pardon?’ he splutters.
‘My mother finally called.’ I sigh, keeping my eyes fixed on the foal as he nuzzles for his mother. ‘I’m afraid you’re stuck with me until she sees fit for me to return in the winter.’
Fraser begins to smile, but catches his expression and distorts it into a frown. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be. There is nothing for me in London anymore. I haven’t heard from any of my friends, and the last time I saw my now ex-boyfriend, I kneed him in the you know—’ I flick my eyes down to the crutch of Fraser’s jeans and with a mouthed ‘oh’ he instinctively covers himself with his hands. ‘Yeah so, not leaving.’ I shrug.
Fraser is silent for a moment and I see in his face he is scrambling for what to say. ‘I’m glad,’ is what he settles on, and we both stand in a warm, comfortable silence, watching the foal navigate his first minutes on the earth.