Chapter 9 #2
The snap of a twig had Mellie pivoting around toward the terrace, but the darkened space made it impossible to see what had caused the noise. Glancing upward, she noted a dim glow coming from the third-floor servants’ quarters, but none from any of the lower two floors.
Had Brigham sought his own bed?
There was a certain lack of Christmastide cheer at Hockcliffe.
“Melloria?” His voice came from the darkness as if she’d conjured what her heart longed for, but that which her mind knew was not destined to be.
She scanned the midnight-kissed darkness for him, the light from the moon suddenly dimming as if it sought to play games with her.
Brigham.
He was there, stepping from the shadows with a tiny, red-wrapped box in his outstretched hands.
Mellie remained where she was, making him journey the several paces to stand before her. She would not embarrass herself further by making this any more than it was. Brigham presented her with a simple Christmastide gift each year.
This year was to be no different, though Mellie’s stomach hardened at the thought that this might very well be her last gift from him. She needed to set him free, give him her blessing to find happiness—wherever that may lie.
Maybe, in turn, she would find her own peace.
Not happiness, never that, but perchance contentment?
“My lord.” Her voice was barely loud enough to hear over the subtle evening breeze.
Before her, Brigham was the man she’d known all her life, the man she’d given herself to in marriage, and the man who’d cared for her when her cousin cast her out.
He was kind, compassionate, and possessed an abundance of understanding.
Gone was the lord who’d pulled away from her embrace in anger that morning.
Mellie could not bring herself to believe that man and the one in front of her were one and the same.
“I have been searching for you all day.”
Mellie glanced at her feet and willed her stomach to stop fluttering. He could have been seeking her out only to speak of his intentions to depart. “I was in the village delivering Christmastide gifts.”
“I would have accompanied you,” he mumbled.
She brought her stare back to his, searching his face for any sign that the meaning of his words was not the same as what she heard. “I did not wish to disturb you.”
His hands fumbled with the wrapped box he held between them as hers remained safely in her muff. “You have never, nor will you ever be a disturbance.”
How she longed to believe him.
“What did you wish to speak with me about?” They might as well discuss things here and now. It was best to dispel the negative and start anew.
Yet, he remained silent, his gaze traveling over the garden around them. Did he take in the differences from when they’d stood in this spot before? Surely, he recognized the effect the harsh winter cold had had on the area.
When he finally spoke, it was not to say what he’d sought her out to discuss, Mellie was certain of that.
“You were exquisite that day we both stood here. You, in your long gown with blue blossoms held tightly, and me, far too afraid to speak for fear you’d change your mind and call off our marriage.
” He paused, glancing up at the moon. “Mellie, I agonized all afternoon about how we found ourselves in this position; you seeking to give me an heir because it was something you owed me, and me, so occupied all these years with trivial matters I neglected the woman I should hold above all else. When in fact, I was hiding myself away from you for fear you’d see how deeply my love for you ran. ”
“Love for me?” she stuttered. “Why would you need to hide such a thing from your wife?”
His imploring, honey brown eyes stared intensely at her. “Because I knew I would perish if I discovered you did not return my love.”
“I would not have wed you if I did not love you, Brigham,” Mellie confessed, while again pleading with her heart to slow its erratic pace.
He shook his head from side to side. “No, no, you did not wed me of your own free will. You know as well as I that my offer of marriage came at a time when you had no other options. Your mother was ill, your cousin had cast you out of Tapton House, and I swooped in and turned your misfortune into my gain.”
“That is not the way of it, at all.” Mellie slid her hands from her muff, and it fell to the ground at her feet, unnoticed, as she reached for his fingers still wrapped around the box.
“Yes, I was blessed and fortunate to have you offer for my hand, but our match was already destined to be. At least in my mind.” She swallowed, determined not to sob at what needed to be said next.
“However, I am... overtaken with much remorse…
for allowing our love to wither and die. I should have—“
His brow furrowed, and the pain in his eyes made it impossible for her to go on.
Perhaps enough had been said. This might be the best things could get between them.
“Nothing within me has withered and died, Melloria,” he uttered. “My love for you has only grown over the years. It is I who has failed you.”
He thought he failed her? She would not blame him if he’d taken a lover, nor would she cast a stone at him for deciding to depart Hockcliffe for good.
“Do not disparage yourself.” Mellie dropped her hands from his, her gaze following them and focusing on the toe of his Hessians. “It shall not reflect negatively on you if your heart now belongs to another. For many years, I was uncertain whether I had anything left within me to give.”
“My heart has never and will never belong to another.” His hand moved to tilt her chin up, but she pulled away as tears welled.
“It is only right and fair that you took a mistress.”
He released her chin and stepped away. Was he shocked that she did not blame him for finding comfort in the arms of another?
“I would never dishonor my commitment to you, Melloria, especially by taking a mistress.” The fury his voice held earlier returned.
“If not that, then how have you failed me?” Mellie’s own temper rose, a spark of anger coiling within her.
“How have I not failed you?” He rubbed at his face with his free hand, notching his glasses askew.
“I abandoned you on our wedding day. I stayed away during your mother’s illness.
I was not strong enough to return when she perished.
And I have neglected you for years. I am an unfit man, not worthy of being noted as a gentleman.
” He pivoted away from her as he stared at the tiny package he still held.
“And I was foolish enough to think that returning now, with a simple gift and a promise never to leave you again, would fix the damage that’s already been done.
Bloody hell. I had truly deluded myself into thinking all could be righted.
I think it best if I depart Hockcliffe at first light in the morning. ”
And there it was, exactly as Mellie had feared it would be.
But unlike her pain at his yearly departures, something was different this time.
His words shattered something within her, causing a fracture that would never mend even after a thousand years.
This was both all she’d hoped for and everything she feared.
He’d declared his love for her.
And now he would leave her once more, but she had no reason to deceive herself into holding out hope he’d ever return again.