Chapter 8
MADDIE
The next morning, Maddie pulled the covers over her head, shutting out the winter light that spilled through the gap in her bedroom curtains.
The lie had come easily enough when she feigned a megrim to Polly.
Nothing serious, but enough to keep her confined to her chambers for the morning.
Perhaps the entire day. She just couldn’t face John after what had happened last night in the library.
The memory of his hands on her body, his teeth biting into her neck, made her skin flush despite her determination to forget it all.
Polly had brought tea and toast nearly an hour ago, but both remained untouched on the bedside table. Food held no appeal when her stomach twisted with such confusion. John Liddell had no right to affect her this way. Not after everything.
Maddie closed her eyes, but that only made the memories of their time together more vivid. She had melted for him, just as she always had. Five years apart had done nothing to diminish the heat between them.
“Damn him,” she muttered, flinging back the covers and rising from the bed.
She paced to the window, pulling the curtain aside to reveal the pristine, snow-covered grounds.
Somewhere below, the other guests would be gathering for morning activities.
Louis would be among them, probably wondering why she hadn’t appeared.
Louis. The thought of him sent a wave of clarity through her. She recalled his steady presence over the years, how he had helped her piece her life back together after John shattered it. Louis had never abandoned her. Louis had never left her to face the scandal alone.
A plan formed in her mind. It was a desperate one perhaps, but necessary.
She had to escape this house, this party, and most importantly, John Liddell’s devastating influence before she made an irreparable mistake.
Before she surrendered to the foolish hope that there could ever be anything between them again and crushed her heart beyond any hope of repair.
Decision made, Maddie rang for Polly with renewed purpose.
“My lady?” Polly appeared promptly, concern in her eyes. “Are you feeling any better?”
“I am,” Maddie replied with forced brightness. “In fact, I’d like to dress immediately. Nothing too elaborate—just something suitable for travel.”
Polly’s brow furrowed. “Travel, my lady? Are we departing?”
“I am,” Maddie said firmly. “And I’ll need you to pack a small bag as quickly as possible. Just essentials for a day or two.”
“But—” Polly began.
“Please, Polly,” Maddie cut her off gently. “I promise I’ll explain everything later. For now, I need your discretion and haste.”
The maid nodded, though confusion remained on her face. Within half an hour, Maddie was dressed in a simple traveling gown of forest green wool, her hair arranged neatly beneath a matching bonnet.
“I need you to find Lord Ashworth,” Maddie instructed. “Tell him I require an urgent meeting in the garden in fifteen minutes. Say nothing more, particularly not to my mother or our hosts.”
Once Polly departed, Maddie penned two brief notes. The first was to her mother, apologizing and saying that she would explain later. The second was to the duchess, apologizing for her abrupt departure.
Neither note mentioned John.
She would have Polly deliver the notes after she was long gone. Maddie slipped from her chamber and made her way through the quiet house, thankful that the guests appeared occupied in the drawing room.
Once in the garden, she paced the path, her heart pounding with anxiety and determination in equal measure. When she heard footsteps approaching, she whirled around to see Louis striding toward her, concern etched on his face.
“Maddie?” he called, quickening his pace. “What’s happened? Your maid said it was urgent.”
She waited until he reached her, then took both his hands in hers. “I need to leave this place, Louis. Today. Now.”
His eyes widened. “Leave? But why? Has something occurred?”
Maddie swallowed hard, unable to meet his gaze directly. “I can’t stay here any longer. Not with him under the same roof. I—I did something.”
Understanding dawned on Louis’s expression. “You and Ravensworth . . .”
“It meant nothing,” she insisted, though her voice wavered. “A moment of weakness. But it made me realize I must get away before I do something truly foolish. Before I crush my heart into tiny pieces.” She squeezed his hands tighter. “I need your help, Louis.”
“Of course,” he said without hesitation. “What would you have me do?”
Maddie took a deep breath, summoning her courage for what she was about to propose.
“Take me away from here—from him. We could go to Scotland, or perhaps to your hunting lodge in the north.” She fought to keep her voice steady.
“You once spoke of marriage between us. I’m ready now, if your offer still stands. ”
Louis stared at her, astonishment replacing concern. “Maddie—”
“I know it’s sudden,” she rushed on. “And perhaps not for the right reasons. But you’re my closest friend, Louis. We could build a contented life, just like you said before, couldn’t we? Better a marriage based on friendship and mutual respect.”
He studied her face carefully. “This isn’t like you, Maddie. I have to wonder if you’re thinking clearly.”
“Please, Louis. I can’t stay here watching him, wanting him despite everything. I’ll go mad.” It was selfish, perhaps, but Louis has known all these years that she had been in love with John, and he had still suggested marriage.
Louis released her hands and stepped back, running his fingers through his hair in a gesture reminiscent of John that made her heart ache.
He was quiet for a long moment, his expression thoughtful. Finally, he nodded. “Very well. If leaving is what you truly need, I’ll help you. We can take my carriage. My lodge is well-stocked, and the housekeeper keeps it ready for unexpected visits.”
Relief flooded through her. “Thank you, Louis. I knew I could count on you.”
“But,” he added, holding up a cautioning hand, “let’s not speak of marriage just yet. Give yourself time away from here, away from him, before making such a decision. We can discuss the matter of marriage later.”
Maddie nodded, knowing that he was being the reasonable one. “I packed my bag already. When do we depart?”
“I’ll see to everything,” Louis assured her. He hesitated, then leaned forward to place a gentle kiss on the top of her head. “Maddie, are you certain—”
“Yes,” she interjected firmly. “I must go.”
“Meet me at the stable in thirty minutes.”
After Louis departed to make the arrangements, Maddie remained in the garden a bit longer, steadying her nerves. She was doing the right thing. The necessary thing. Wasn’t she?
The memory of John’s face as he’d whispered his love for her flashed through her mind. She pushed it away ruthlessly. That was what has gotten her into the entire mess to begin with.
After Maddie had given Polly directions for the letters, Maddie approached the stables to find Louis already there, speaking with his driver.
“Ready?” Louis asked as she approached.
She nodded, swallowing against the lump in her throat. “Yes.”
But as Louis moved to hand her into the carriage, a familiar voice rang out across the yard.
“Maddie! A moment, please!”
Maddie froze, her heart sinking as she turned to see Rosina striding purposefully toward them.
“Your Grace,” Louis bowed formally. “Lady Madeline and I were just—”
Rosina held her hand up to him. “I require a private word with Maddie.”
Louis glanced at Maddie, who nodded reluctantly. “Of course, Your Grace. I’ll . . . check that everything is in order with the carriage.”
Once he had moved out of earshot, Rosina took Maddie’s arm and guided her toward a stone bench partially sheltered by an evergreen hedge. After brushing away the snow, she gestured for Maddie to sit.
“I’m thankful I spotted you from the window. Running away is rarely the solution,” Rosina began, staring at her intensely. “You should know better than anyone after what you’ve suffered.”
Maddie stiffened. “I’m not running away. I’m simply . . . removing myself from an untenable situation.”
“As someone who cares for you, I can’t help but wonder if you’re making a decision you’ll come to regret.”
“The only decision I regret is coming to this house party,” Maddie countered, her voice sharp with emotion. “If I’d known he would be here—”
Rosina pinched the bridge of her nose. “My brother is still very much in love with you, Maddie. And I don’t believe he would ever depart from you again, if you gave him a chance.”
Maddie didn’t want to allow herself to believe it. She looked away, unwilling to let the duchess see how deeply they affected her. “If that were true, he has a strange way of showing it.”
“Men often do.” Rosina’s laugh was soft, tinged with exasperation. “Particularly men like John, who believe they must bear every burden alone. Who struggle with things they can’t explain.”
“And I’m supposed to believe he’s changed? That he’s learned the error of his ways and I can magically trust him again?”
“Not changed, perhaps,” Rosina said thoughtfully. “Rather, returned to himself.”
Maddie’s brow furrowed. “I don’t understand.”
The duchess sighed, smoothing an invisible wrinkle from her skirt. “The man you fell in love with. That is the real John. And I see glimmers of him returning to us. I truly believe it is because of you. For you.”
Maddie stared at Rosina, unable to fully absorb her words. “You speak as if he’s been ill.”
“Not in body,” Rosina replied carefully, “but in mind, and spirit. That illness can be far more damaging than a physical ailment. When he left you, he left himself behind as well.”
A bitter laugh escaped Maddie’s lips. “How convenient. And I’m to forgive everything because he has suffered too?”
“No.” Rosina’s voice was firm. “That is for you to decide. But I ask you to consider if you would forgive him if he had been physically ill? If you’d give him sympathy and love.
Illness of the mind is much the same, if not worse.
We don’t speak about persistent melancholy because of the stigma associated with it, but it’s very real and my brother did the best he could.
I see that now. The reasoning might not be good enough for you, and that is fair.
But if you love him, truly love him, I urge you to give what I’ve said some thought. ”
Maddie’s chest tightened. How dare Rosina suggest something as simple as melancholy could excuse John’s abandonment?
And yet . . . there had been signs, hadn’t there?
The darkness that sometimes shadowed his eyes even in their happiest moments.
The way he would occasionally withdraw into himself, becoming distant for a brief period before returning to her with renewed passion.
It was as if a veil had been lifted, and she saw him differently than she ever had before.
She recalled a particular night, shortly before Ryan’s illness, when she’d found John standing alone on a balcony during a ball, his expression so desolate it had frightened her.
When she’d questioned him later, he’d dismissed it as exhaustion.
But now she wondered if it had been something more—something he hadn’t known how to name or wanted to share.
Or maybe he had felt he couldn’t show any hint of weakness.
“Even if what you say is true,” Maddie said, needing more time to process, “it doesn’t change what happened. He left me without a word. Not a letter, not a message. Nothing.”
“I know.” Rosina’s eyes held genuine regret. “And I would never suggest that his pain negates yours. Only that perhaps there is more to understand than what he’s allowed you to see.”
“And how do you know this?” Maddie asked.
“Because I’ve learned a thing or two about trauma.
My own, as well as my husband’s. It’s not susceptible to mere logic.
The more I’ve watched my brother these past few days and how he’s adapted to being back, the more I understand.
I wish I had realized sooner what had driven him away.
” Rosina released a deep sigh. “You weren’t the only one he abandoned, Maddie.
But he’s my brother, so of course I shall forgive him.
You aren’t required to feel such an obligation.
Just know that I’ve seen how he looks at you still. ”
Maddie looked where Louis waited by the carriage, his expression patient and understanding even from a distance. He had been her rock, her constant. But was that the right reason to bind herself to him? She’d always said from the time she was a girl that she would marry for love.
“I don’t know what to do,” Maddie admitted quietly.
“Stay,” Rosina urged gently. “At least stay for Christmas. Give yourself your time to think this through. Even if you wish to hide in your chamber. I shall cover for you.”
Something in Maddie’s heart told her to stay. All that Rosina had shared caused her mind to race.
Mental illness. Melancholia. The words settled heavily in Maddie’s mind.
She had heard whispers of such afflictions, of course, but they were spoken of in hushed tones, if at all.
Gentlemen of their society simply didn’t succumb to such weaknesses—or rather, no one could be permitted to acknowledge them. Just look at their king.
After a long moment, Maddie nodded slowly. “Very well.”
Relief crossed Rosina’s face. “Thank you.” She rose from the bench, extending her hand to help Maddie up. “Now, we must tell Lord Ashworth to cancel his carriage.”
As they walked back toward the waiting carriage, Maddie felt something shift within her. Not forgiveness, but perhaps the first tenuous step toward understanding.
And the real question was, What was she going to do about it?