Chapter Thirty-Four
Grace
I stepped inside the clubhouse with Beck and Sam. Haizley was waiting for me. She pulled me into her arms and whispered in my ear, “We’ve got you.”
Until they knew what I’d planned to do. Then they would say the same thing I’d been telling myself. I deserved this. This was Karma. My punishment for my stupidity and my pride. Punishment for the anger that led me to try and frame a man for rape.
A man I’d fallen in love with.
A man I had to walk away from now.
There was no other option.
I was broken.
I was dirty.
“Let’s get you upstairs,” Sam said. I walked down the hall with my friends. Women I had come to love like sisters. We walked quietly up the stairs to the second floor, and when they moved toward the next set of stairs, I stopped them.
“No, I want to go to my room.”
“King said—”
“I don’t care what King said. I want to go to my room.”
“Then that’s where we go,” Haizley affirmed. She was on my side; for now, anyway.
I opened my door and looked around. Was it really only yesterday that he’d been in this room with me? Made love to me in the shower? I took a deep breath, craving his scent. I wanted to hold on to what I had left of him.
“Grace, why don’t you take a shower,” Sam suggested. “How are you feeling?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t talk about it. Not yet. Not with them. I wasn’t sure I could talk to anyone about what happened. What they did to me. It was my secret to hold. My shame to bear.
“Johnny?” I asked, changing the subject.
“He’s okay. He had surgery yesterday. The bullet missed his heart but hit his lung. Patch said he’ll need time, but he will make a full recovery.”
Tears of relief filled my eyes. Johnny had become my best friend. We shared secrets about our lives that no one else knew. “Indigo?” He’d been shot too. They both had while trying to protect me and Karlyn.
“He’s okay too. It was touch and go for a bit, but Patch said he’ll be fine.” I nodded. I was glad he was okay. I felt guilty enough for dragging Karlyn out there; I didn’t need someone’s death on my conscience.
“Grace?” I turned to Haizley. “When you’re ready to talk, we’re here.” I opened my mouth, and she held her hand up. “Not as a therapist, unless you decide you want that. As your friends.”
I nodded. There was nothing else to say. I grabbed some clothes and moved into my bathroom. I stared at the shower, remembering how gentle he was, how he whispered in my ear that he loved me.
I fell to my knees and let out a sob. Sam rushed in, kneeling on the floor beside me, and pulled me into her arms. I clung to her as I cried. I cried for all the time King and I had lost fighting with each other and all the time we would never have now.
“We’ve got you, Grace. Let it out, baby. Let it go,” Sam cried with me. I heard it in the sound of her voice, and I cried harder. These women would look at me the same way Karlyn did when they learned the truth. And just like my mother, I would be alone.
“Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up,” Sam said as my wails turned to whimpers and then sniffles. Beck reached in and turned the water on.
“How hot do you want it?” she asked, and all I could do was shrug. I didn’t have enough strength to talk, let alone shower. The river had washed away the smell of the men. It had washed away the cum they’d left all over me. But it couldn’t wash away the memory.
Nothing would.
Sam helped me undress and gasped when she saw the marks and bruises. Looking down, I felt numb. Like I was looking at someone else. I didn’t see the cuts, the marks from their hands and teeth.
All I saw was the mess. I could still feel it on my skin.
After they were done with me, it had dried on my skin.
As I sat on the ground, a gun to my head while we waited, my skin itched.
I felt dirty. Because I was. It was gone now.
The power of the river had cleansed my skin, but nothing would cleanse my soul.
I looked at the mud on my hands. I’d filled the hole in Jackson’s chest with mud to stop the bleeding. There wasn’t enough mud on the planet to fill the hole in my soul. Nothing to stop my soul hemorrhaging. I was empty.
I stepped into the shower and turned the heat up. I wanted to cleanse my skin, burn off the reminders of what happened. I stood under the water, letting it burn my skin.
“Grace, that’s too hot,” Sam scolded as she reached in and turned down the temperature. “I don’t know what you’re feeling, Grace. But I want you to know, we love you. We’re here for you.”
She spoke from the other side of the curtain, and I wanted to believe her.
I wanted to believe that they wouldn’t turn their backs on me once they knew the truth.
If I could just keep it to myself until I was strong enough to leave.
Strong enough to get by without them. Without the club.
Without King. Then I could tell them the truth. And after, I would leave.
Maybe go back to New Orleans. Maybe look for somewhere new. I could look for Uncle Stephen. Maybe he would remember me. Maybe he would help me.
The water turned cold and I had no choice but to step out. Sam helped me dry off and get dressed, and she tucked me into bed like a mom would do for a child who was sick.
I missed my mom, but I couldn’t help but wonder how different my life would have been if she’d made different choices. Or would I have ended up right where I was regardless?
I lay in bed and tried to sleep; I really did. But every time I closed my eyes, I saw them. Laughing, stroking themselves. Skinner’s words ran on a loop in my head.
“This all could have been avoided if King had just given me what I wanted.”
What did he want? What did King keep from him? Would it really have mattered?
I tried to relax my body and breathe slowly and evenly, letting the girls think I was sleeping as I listened to them talking. I knew I shouldn’t be listening, but they were talking about me.
“How do we help her?” Beck asked. The compassion in her voice brought tears to my eyes.
“We let her come to us. We don’t push. It might be days; it might be years before she’s ready to talk about it. It’s her timeline, and hers alone.” I knew Haizley was right. But I felt like I owed it to them to tell them everything. Even if I didn’t want to.
I knew their secrets, their fears and their dreams, and they knew none of mine. I’d only just recently opened up to them about thinking Steele was my father. But I’d never really shared my life with them.
They changed the subject to babies and their men, and I dozed in and out, listening to their voices. Just hearing them in the room was comforting. It kept me grounded. Prevented me from transporting back to that room, that shack.
With them.
My eyes popped open when I heard the knock on the door. The bed jostled as one of the women stood up to answer it.
“She in here?” King asked, and I closed my eyes, desperately trying to hold back the sob. Just the sound of his voice brought me hope and heartache.
“She’s sleeping,” Sam answered. “She wanted to come here.” I heard the authority in Sam’s voice, and a small smile lifted the corners of my mouth. Sam was a mama bear, and she would stand up to the Devil himself to protect someone she loved. I’d miss that when I left.
“You can all go back to your babies. I’ve got her.”
“King—”
“Haizley, don’t. I appreciate what you want to do, but I am not leaving her. I’m not for one fucking second letting her think I’m not here. What happened hasn’t changed a fucking thing about the way I feel about her.”
“Just go slow, okay?”
I imagined him nodding when he didn’t respond. The girls left, and I heard the door close, followed by the snick of the lock.
“I know you’re awake, baby.” I didn’t answer him.
I listened as he moved around the room. All of my senses were hyperaware now.
I heard the way his cut slipped off his shoulders and the thump as he laid it on the dresser.
Next was his belt buckle, and my body tensed.
“I’m just getting undressed to lie down with you.
My boxers are staying on, baby, and I’ll leave my shirt on too. ”
“No,” I whispered. “Take your shirt off.”
His boots thunked on the ground as he kicked them off; a moment later he was lifting the blanket to crawl in next to me. He lay on his back and put his arm behind his head.
“Whenever you’re ready, Grace.”
I stared at his chest. Would I ever be ready?
I wanted so badly to scoot closer and lay my head against his skin and listen to his heartbeat.
But would that be setting me up for more heartache later?
If I let myself rely on him, let myself pull from his strength, how much worse would it be later on?
“Stop thinking about tomorrow, Grace. What do you want right now?” He didn’t push me to answer. He lay there with his eyes closed and his arm up, waiting for me to decide. I scooted forward slowly. My fingertips brushed his side and his body stiffened, causing me to yank my hand back.
“Baby, I was startled, that’s all. You can touch me all you want. I’ll lie here as long as you need and keep my hands to myself.”
I bit my lip and tentatively reached out again. I placed my hand flat against his side. It was all I could do. I just needed to feel him. Know he was real, and that he was here. That he hadn’t left me, not yet.
“Do you know what happened?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. “Did you see the video?”
His body stiffened for a fraction of a second before he relaxed, and I knew then, nothing would ever be the same. “I know, baby. You don’t have to talk about it. You don’t have to tell me anything until you’re ready. And if you’re never ready, then you’re never ready. Nothing has changed.”
“Everything has changed,” I said, repeating his words from the day before when we argued. It was all we ever did. Our entire relationship, what we had of one, was built on the way we fought with each other.
“The circumstances may have changed,” he said, repeating my words back. “But the way I feel about you, the way I love you, hasn’t. And it never fucking will.”
I wanted to believe him. I wanted to believe that he could look at me and not see what they did. We lay together in silence. My hand flat against his ribs, his arms above his head. He was giving me a little piece of security. This small sense of comfort.
He would never know what it meant to me. How much just the warmth of skin beneath my fingertips would be enough to give me the peace I needed to finally drift off to sleep.