Chapter Thirty-Eight
Grace
I sat in the bathroom on the floor in front of the tub, my arms wrapped around my knees as I prayed for some time alone.
Kytten arrived with some food not long after King left, and ever since there had been a constant revolving door of women coming to check on me and sit with me.
I knew what they were doing. I knew they were worried about me, but I needed some time alone.
“Grace?” Sam’s voice on the other side of the door made me wince with guilt. I knew they were trying to help, but it wasn’t working. “Do you need anything?”
YES!
I needed them to leave and stop coming in.
Why didn’t they get it? I didn’t want to talk about what happened.
I took a deep breath and blew it out slowly.
In all fairness, they hadn’t asked me to talk about what happened.
They didn’t really talk much at all. They came in and asked how I was.
They tried to engage, but when I didn’t respond, they didn’t push.
“I’ll be right out,” I shouted through the door.
I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead against my knees.
Their constant presence was worse than being alone.
When I was alone, I would dwell on the memories.
They ran like a loop through my head. But when the girls were here, I felt lost. Like I couldn’t get a moment to fight the memories.
It was a lose-lose situation, whichever way I looked at it.
You could talk to Haizley.
I could. I knew I could. Or Aspen. My head snapped up. I bit my lip and looked at the door. There was someone else I could call. Someone I knew had been through something similar. Someone who could tell me I’d get through it and I might actually believe it.
I stood up and walked out of the bathroom and found Sam sitting on the end of the bed texting. “Hey, Grace.” She slipped the phone in her back pocket and stared at me.
“Can I ask you a favor, Sam?”
“Anything.” She smiled.
“Can you tell the others I need some time alone? I appreciate what you’re all trying to do, but I can’t...”
Sam’s smile turned sad. “Of course Grace. Just don’t shut us out, okay?”
“I’m trying,” I answered honestly.
“That’s all you can do.” Sam stood up and asked, “Can I hug you?”
Tears filled my eyes as I nodded, and Sam pulled me against her chest. She let me cry on her shoulder and didn’t speak. It was what I needed right now. Just to be held by someone who loved me. Someone who wouldn’t judge me.
When the tears finally subsided, Sam stepped back. “Don’t cry alone, okay? If you need to cry, I’ll come and hold you while you do it. I won’t say a word, and you can get it out.”
“Thank you, Sam.”
The door closed softly behind Sam, and I picked up my phone. I dialed the number I knew by heart. I missed my friend so much.
“Hey, Grace.”
“Hey, Amber.”
“You’re crying. Why are you crying? What the fuck did he do now?
Do I need to come back there and kick his ass?
’Cause I will. I’ll bring the whole fucking club with me.
You know there are still some single brothers out here.
I can set you up with one of them; you can move out here and live with me. ”
I laughed out a sob and broke down. Amber had a way of making everyone feel better.
“Grace, honey, what’s wrong?”
I held the phone tightly as I unloaded on my friend.
I told her everything. From the moment I came to Diamond Creek and why.
I told her about the first time King came to my house in the middle of the night.
I told her about Steele being my father, but not being my father, and I told her about my mother.
I told her everything, then I told her about what happened with King and how wonderful it was, despite being angry with him the first time.
And then I told her about yesterday. Johnny being shot, Karlyn and I being taken, and every disgusting thing they did to me while I was tied down.
I heard Amber’s sniffles and knew she was crying with me. I wished so much she were still here, but I was so happy she’d found happiness with Massacre.
“Oh, Grace.”
“I don’t know what to do, Amber. I don’t know how to fix this. I just want to run. I want to run away and hide. Every time he looks at me, I break a little more.”
“What do you see when he looks at you, Grace?”
“Sadness.”
“Pity?”
“No. He looks broken, Amber. Like he wants to cry with me.” I thought about how he let me touch him while I slept. But he didn’t touch me. “I hate that he hurts because of this.”
“Grace, talk to Haizley. She helped me so much. I hadn’t had a nightmare in years, but when Sypher showed up and I realized who he was, they came flooding back.
She worked with me. Even after Mass arrived, I still met with her.
I still talk to her out here. Talk to her, Grace.
She helped me get through my feelings of not being good enough for him. ”
I closed my eyes. Amber had hit the nail on the head. That was exactly what I was feeling. I was no longer worthy of him. I was broken, tarnished, and dirty. I’d never be whole again.
“I don’t know how, Amber.”
“You trust your family, Grace.”
“I don’t have any family, Amber. Any hope I had of a family died with Steele.”
“Grace, you have a club filled with family. And you have more here in California. Go see Johnny. I’m sure he’s as worried about you as you are about him. Don’t pull away.” Amber cursed, “Fuck, I wish I were there.”
“I wish you were here too.” I laughed. It was the first real laugh in what felt like forever. It hadn’t been more than a day or two since I last laughed, but even yesterday felt like it was years away.
“It takes time, Grace. No one expects you to bounce back. This isn’t a broken leg. There is no timeline for healing.”
“How do you heal a broken soul?” I muttered.
“Love, Grace. That’s what heals the soul. Let them love you.”
“I’ll try.”
By the time I was done talking to Amber, I was exhausted. Crawling into bed, I quickly fell asleep. When I woke up, I wasn’t alone. I didn’t know how long he had been there, but I could smell his cologne. I breathed him in as Amber’s words washed over me.
“Love, Grace. That’s what heals the soul. Let them love you.”
I wanted to let him love me. I wanted him to wrap me up in his arms, but I was afraid. I was afraid of him touching me. Not because I believed he’d hurt me; I knew he wouldn’t. But because I was afraid I would hurt him.
I didn’t want him to see me flinch. I didn’t want him to think I was afraid of him. I didn’t want to see the sadness in his eyes. But I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t flinch if he touched me. I didn’t know how I would react if he tried to kiss me.
You didn’t flinch when he kissed your forehead!
That was true. I didn’t freak out when he trapped my hand on his chest. The truth was, I prayed there was a piece of me buried deep that wouldn’t react at all to him.
But that was a pipe dream. I’d known the moment he entered the room.
I felt him. My body knew when he was close; it was just confused on how to feel about it.
“I know you’re awake, baby.”
I peered up at him. He was sitting on the bed, leaning against the headboard. His body looked relaxed, but as soon as I looked into his eyes, I saw it.
Fear.
“Are you afraid of me?” I asked, not thinking.
“I’m fucking terrified, baby.”
I pushed myself to sit up and crossed my legs so I could look directly at him. “Why?”
“I’m afraid I’ll say or do the wrong thing and you’ll bolt.”
I looked down; I’d grabbed the pillow and set it in my lap as a barrier. Not that a pillow would hold anyone back, but it felt good to have something in my hands.
“I don’t know what to say to that,” I confessed. I didn’t know how to give him what he needed. Not anymore.
“You don’t have to say anything, Grace. Just don’t shut me out. Please don’t push me away. I want to be by your side while you work through this shit.”
“It could take years.”
“I’m not goin’ anywhere.”
I bit my lip and looked away. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again. If I’ll ever want to...” I couldn’t even say the words. How would I ever act on them? I was no longer myself. I wasn’t Grace anymore.
I was Stephanie again.
The shy little girl who watched TV while her mother was raped down the hall. Who never told anyone because her mother begged her not to.
“Grace, I fell in love with you long before we had sex. If you are never in a place where you can do that again...” He shrugged.
“That’s not fair to you.”
“Call it my penance for not letting you go when I should have. I want you, Grace. Your body is a bonus. A gift. One that isn’t required for me to love you.”
I wanted to believe him. He was saying all the right things, but the voice in my head—the voice that sounded just like my mother’s—told me he was lying.
“Men leave, Grace. It’s what they do. They hold you tight until they get bored, then they push you away as if you’re nothing.”
“You feel up to going to the hospital?”
My head lifted quickly as I studied him. I bit my lip again as I ran the scenarios through my head. The distance to the hospital, the possibility of being ambushed, taken a second time.
But Johnny was there. I wanted to see him. Needed to see him. Make sure he was really okay. Beg him to forgive me. And Maureen was there.
My eyes snapped up to King’s. “Did Maureen have the baby?”
He nodded with a wide smile. “She did. Healthy baby boy. She named him Bennett after Hash.”
All at once the memories flooded. The alarm going off seconds before the door flew open and men stormed in shooting at everyone. Aspen and I huddled behind the bar as glass and alcohol rained down on us.
Hash, Jade, and Crystal were all dead. Tank and Keys were still in the hospital with injuries. Not even the clubhouse was safe.
“Hey.” King leaned over and dipped his head to catch my eyes. “What happened? Where did you go?”
“There’s nowhere safe.” I shrugged. “They came for me at the bar, here, Trudy’s. I want to go see Johnny; I need to see him. But I don’t know how to not be afraid.”
“Baby, we can take the whole fucking club, if that’s what you need to feel safe. Every one of those men downstairs would give their life for you.”
“I don’t want that. I just want to see Johnny. I need to see with my own eyes that he’s really okay.”
King stood up and held his hand out to me.
I stared at it for a fraction before I slipped mine into his and let him pull me up.
I stood in front of him and stared at him as his eyes bored into mine, and I wanted to shut down.
I wanted to close myself off so he couldn’t see everything I was feeling inside.
“Nothing has changed,” he whispered. “I love you, Grace.” Then he leaned down and kissed my forehead.