Chapter 17
The midnight sky looked like dark blue velvet studded with millions of crystals as Kit stared up at the stars. It was unbelievable how clearly she could see the stars, and how many. She’d never seen anything like this in the city.
She lay next to Carter, on a blanket on the back lawn. She liked lying beside him, being with him. She thought about the first time they made love, and couldn’t believe weeks had already passed since that day.
They held hands, a peacefulness between them. Cool air skimmed their skin. It had been a lower temperature today than usual in May, and now that it was so late the coolness chilled her nose.
The lowing of cattle came from the north pasture and a calf bawled. A coyote chose that moment to howl, the sound echoing in the night. Several other coyotes started yipping, and then the night quieted again. Other than those distant noises, a sense of peacefulness had descended on the land.
She sure didn’t miss city noises of traffic and the frequent wail of sirens. She could truly come to love this. Truthfully, she already had.
Fact was, she had fallen completely and hopelessly in love with Carter.
Which was why she had decided she seriously needed to start thinking about moving back to L.A.
A twinge of sadness threatened to overpower the happiness she felt now. This wouldn’t last, so she needed to leave before her heart was shattered forever. One day he would wake up and realize she wasn’t the right woman for him—she couldn’t have children.
Anymore.
She did owe him the truth before she left. He might even hate her when she told him because she had taken so long. She needed to do that tonight. God, it had been so hard trying to get everything out. She didn’t even know where to start. The longer she put it off, the harder it became to explain.
Day by day she’d been waiting for all of “this” to end—everything good eventually did. She either made wrong choices or what could have been wonderful slipped away.
Since she was going to leave, anyway, did she need to spill it all out?
She wasn’t sure she had the strength to get herself to pack up and go.
I can’t stay. She swallowed. This perfect bubble is going to burst, and I don’t want to be here when it does.
Carter’s hand felt warm around hers, and comfortable, like they had done this a thousand times before. She liked how he was always finding excuses to touch her and be around her. He came into the kitchen frequently during the day and spent most of every evening with her.
The last weeks had been filled with getting settled in with her new position, and various trips and activities with Carter. More horseback riding, a visit to a local “Old West” museum, and hiking were some of the things they’d done. He also liked to take her out to dinner on some weeknights and brunch on Sundays—he’d said it was so someone could wait on her for a change. Some evenings they would just snuggle on the couch and watch a movie.
It wasn’t easy being around the employees and not letting anyone see the boss was dating the new cook. Belle watched them closely when she was nearby, with eyes that saw way too much. Kit knew Grace had figured it out. If she didn’t like Kit allowing the boss to help her wash dishes, Grace had to hate the idea of a relationship.
Being around his family members and keeping everything quiet was even harder. Bear and Justin had an idea about it now. No doubt the rest suspected Kit and Carter were seeing each other, but they didn’t press, and Carter didn’t offer.
In front of everyone they were casual together, but when alone, they were anything but.
She didn’t know why she had let it all happen. She hadn’t intended to lead him on. It was like she was addicted to him, or addicted to love, or both.
“The stars are so bright, and there are so many.” A brilliant light flared in the dark sky and she pointed in that direction. “A shooting star.”
“Make a wish.” Carter took her hand and squeezed it. “It’s supposed to be good luck to wish upon a falling star.”
“I’ve never done that.” She closed her eyes, letting herself think about what she could possibly wish for. She had everything a woman could want.
Carter, her mind whispered. You want a real relationship with him.
Crazy thinking. She mentally shook her head. I’m leaving. He deserves so much better than me.
Carter rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb. “What did you wish for?”
She opened her eyes and gave him a mischievous smile. It was so natural to be playful with him. “It’s super-secret.”
He ran his finger down her arm to the inside of her elbow, one sensitive spot where she was ticklish, and she shivered. “Do you want me to tickle it out of you?”
“No.” She frowned at him. “Don’t you dare.”
He released her hand, shifted, and braced his forearm on the blanket so that he was looking down at her. “Or what?”
“No snickerdoodle cookies for you for a while.” She hoped that was enough to stop him from tickling her.
He skimmed his finger from her elbow up to her cheek. “You’re tough.” He slid his finger down to her mouth and trailed his finger over her bottom lip.
“You don’t know the half of it.” And he didn’t. She had learned to be more than tough on the street when she’d been homeless with her mom and sister.
He slid his hand into her hair. “You don’t talk about those days.”
“I don’t like to talk about them.” She sighed. “It wasn’t a high point in my life.”
“Tell me. I want to know everything about you.” He studied her. “How did you become homeless?”
She rubbed her jeans with one hand hard enough to make her skin sting, as if that might help her relieve some of the weight of the memories.
“After my dad died, we learned he’d mortgaged the house to the hilt, had taken loans out, maxed his and mom’s credit cards, and only a few hundred dollars was in the bank.” Kit’s throat hurt at the memory. “No life insurance, no retirement accounts. We found out he had a huge gambling problem, worse than Mom had realized. When he passed away, he left us with nothing.”
“Damn.” Carter’s features darkened as he watched her, but she sensed anger simmering beneath his skin. “I wish like hell I could have been there for you and your sister and mother back then.”
For a moment they were both quiet, before she started again. “Mom stopped working years before he died to stay at home with my sister and me, so she had no income.” Kit looked back at the stars. “There wasn’t enough social security built up. My dad had his own printing business, which was in the red, and the business owed tens of thousands in back taxes.” She shook her head. “It was the perfect storm to leave us homeless.”
She continued, somehow needing to get it all out, to let Carter know everything. “When we knew the bank was going to kick us out of the house, we thought we would at least have my mom’s minivan to stay in until we could make enough money for somewhere to live. But two days before we got evicted, Mom’s minivan was repossessed. It turned out that Dad had secured a loan with Mom’s vehicle as collateral. So, we didn’t even have that.”
Anger burned beneath her skin. How could her father have done that to them and have left them with such a mess? She’d asked herself that question a thousand times.
“Damn.” Carter shook his head. “I’m sorry you had to go through that, honey.”
“It’s in the past, yet at the same time it feels like it wasn’t that long ago.” She watched another falling star. “We lived in San Francisco, so it was pretty much always cold. We were able to sleep in shelters a great deal of the time.”
Her voice lowered as shame heated her face. “In the early months, I even stole food. I’m not proud of it, but I had to do something so that we wouldn’t starve to death. I think that’s why I became a chef—we never had enough food.”
“How did you get off the street?” The tenseness in Carter’s voice betrayed his strong emotions.
“Mom and I took whatever legal and moral jobs we could find.” Kit’s throat constricted even more. “Small jobs at first, then gradually better positions and better money. Mom socked away everything that she made. What I brought in clothed and fed us.”
“And now look at you both.” A certain amount of pride for her was in Carter’s voice and that warmed her heart. “Your mom owns the bookstore coffee shop and you’re an incredible chef. Being the head chef at a deluxe boutique hotel is no small accomplishment.”
“Thank you.” She turned her head and smiled at him. “That means a lot.”
He stroked hair away from her face. “You must have been through a hell when you were on the street.”
“Yes.” It was time for her to tell him everything. About things she’d seen and done; about the older boy—and about the baby.
She had tried to tell Carter so many times, and every single time she got choked up and couldn’t get the words out. It was one of the most painful events in her life, and so much emotion was wrapped up tightly inside her. Pain, embarrassment, shame, guilt. She felt like she would never begin to be able to unravel it.
The longer she took, the more it was going to seem like a lie. Day by day it got harder and harder. She just needed to do it.
Her lips parted as she started to speak. At the same time, Carter lowered his head and kissed her.
His kiss wiped out every other thought in her mind. It was deep and sensual, a kiss that seared her very soul.
“You’re so beautiful.” He ran his thumb over her damp lips. “I can’t get enough of looking at you. Hell, I can’t get enough of being with you.”
She wanted to say she felt the same, but she couldn’t get the words out.
I shouldn’t even be here.
“I’ve lived a blessed life, I know that.” Carter rolled onto his back with his fingers laced behind his head. “We were poor when we were growing up, but we had a roof over our heads and plenty to eat. We didn’t want for anything—we had everything we needed.”
He stared up at the stars. “There were so many of us that it took my parents a while to get to the point where they could afford a bigger house and things we wanted, but we never lacked.”
“That’s wonderful,” Kit said.
“What about your grandparents?” He glanced at her. “You mentioned they died on the way to see your father in the hospital.”
She nodded, her hair sliding against the blanket. “They did.” Her heart twinged with sadness. “Everything they owned went to my dad’s brother. He sold it all and took off to God knows where. He didn’t even help Mom with the funerals. Three of them. That wiped out every remaining penny we had.”
This time a tear did roll down her cheek. “When I was old enough to learn everything, I swore I’d punch that bastard if I ever saw him again.”
“Did you?” he asked softly.
“Never saw him again.”
“Too bad.”
She smiled. “It would have been satisfying to let Uncle Darren have it.”
He was quiet a moment before he said, “The barbeque is only a week away.”
Her mind started racing. “There’s so much I need to take care of before then. I want to make sure it turns out well.”
He clasped her hand and brought it to his lips and kissed her knuckles. “Knowing you, it will be perfect.”
She smiled. “Thank you.”
“After the day of the party, we’ll get started on that garden you wanted.” He held her hand in his. “Now that things are slowing down, we’ll get it ready to go in no time.”
“You remembered.” She looked at him with surprise. “I thought you’d forgotten.” She’d also decided it wasn’t a good idea since she didn’t plan on staying.
The thought of leaving made her heart hurt.
He rubbed his thumb over her knuckles. “How could I forget?”
“Thank you.” Even if it wasn’t going to happen, she appreciated that he wanted to do it for her.
God. She shouldn’t have let things get even this far. Leaving was going to crush her.
“It’s getting late.” He wrapped her in his embrace. “We’ll be heading for the homeless shelter in Phoenix pretty early in the morning.”
“I’m so happy to be involved here.” She snuggled closer to him. “I did all I could in L.A., but it never seemed like enough. As a matter-of-fact, I don’t think I can ever do enough. The kindness of strangers meant everything when people helped us or gave us food.”
“What kinds of things did you do in L.A.?” he asked.
“I headed a committee to find donors for clothes and items for youths under eighteen, and I cooked and made things for the homeless.” She grinned. “Believe it or not, I crochet a mean hat.”
He laughed. “Crochet?”
“You bet.” She nodded. “The sport of champions.” He chuckled and she went on. “I also know how to braid rugs and blankets from old T-shirts, which make amazingly comfortable covers.”
“You can teach me.” He rubbed the tip of her nose with his. “I could crochet pretty little doilies.”
She almost burst out with laughter as she pictured the big man making doilies. “I think you should stick to the things you do know—like building houses for families in need. You’ve helped with some beautiful homes.”
“Like you said, it never seems like enough.”
She nodded.
“Let’s get to bed.” He released her and rolled to his feet, then reached his hand for hers before helping her up. “I see a good deal of cuddling ahead.”
She laughed and kissed him. “My crystal ball tells me the same thing.”