Chapter 29
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Sasha
What kind of questions? My heart starts hammering in my chest. “All right.”
My mind reels in a thousand different directions. He left me alone for most of the afternoon. Is he upset with me? Is all of this more trouble than it’s worth to him?
He leads me into the kitchen and pulls out one of the stools for me to sit where I’ve made two plates.
Caprese sandwiches sit on the counter. I’d been afraid to toast them in the oven, so I left them cold, but the balsamic oil has likely ruined the bread.
Ryker looks at them and winks. “Nice.”
I wrinkle my nose, but don’t answer.
“Should I toss them in the oven and crisp them up?” he asks.
“Good idea, I’ll watch,” I answer, sliding back off the stool.
He sets the stove to broil. “This is the hottest setting and it’s the top heating coil only. It’ll crisp up the sandwiches in two to three minutes, but it starts burning quick, so you have to keep an eye on the food.”
Rules, I like.
I watch him pull the sandwiches apart, put them on a tray and slide them in the oven. I watch through the glass as the mozzarella begins to bubble, and the bread turns brown. “Now,” I say, standing up.
He grabs some cooking mitts and pulls the tray out. Reassembling the sandwiches, he puts them back on the plates. As he works, he gives me a sidelong glance. “I wanted to ask you…”
My stomach clenches. “Yeah?”
“That thing you said to Dimitri today, about protecting Anna first. What made you say that?”
My eyes widen. Of all the things I thought he might ask, that wasn’t even in the top ten.
“Dimitri left when I was young,” I say with a shrug.
“And Katarina and I never connected. We tried but…” I slide back into the seat, collecting my thoughts.
“My father didn’t do a thing that wasn’t self-serving.
I have no idea how Dimitri feels about me.
But when he holds Anna, I see what love could be.
” I take a bite of my sandwich even as Ryker sits in the seat next to me, grabbing his sandwich too.
“I’m with you so far.”
I swallow my bite just as he takes his. “The point is, Anna has a chance at a life none of us have had, a chance for a loving family, and that should be protected,” I start to take another bite, but I stop, setting the sandwich down. “I’d give my life for something that worthy.”
“Sasha,” he says and then swallows, looking pained.
I shake my head. “In my whole life, I’m not sure anyone has ever loved me.”
“That’s not true—” He starts, but I hold up my hand.
“I know I’m insecure, but I’m not asking for your sympathy. I’m trying to explain. Looking at Anna, it occurred to me that if I give more love, more to Katarina, more to Anna, more to Dimitri, maybe they’d love me in return. But if nobody changes then…” I look away then, feeling raw and exposed.
He reaches for my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. “Shit, Sasha. That’s really beautiful.”
“I’ve wanted a different life for a long time, and I think I thought I’d be happier if I was free from emotional entanglement. But I think…” I lift one shoulder. “That actually, what I need to do is love the people around me more and hope they’ll love me in return.”
“What if they don’t?” he asks. I turn back to him, his eyes swirling with an emotion that I’ve never seen before.
They’re light, and bright, and wide open. I slip off the stool, and with him sitting at counter height, we’re almost level. I lean in and kiss him. “I don’t know. Maybe it will break me. But I’m not sure what I was doing before was working either.”
He slides a hand up my back, cradling my skull as he kisses me again.
I have this moment where I realize the feeling of drowning I feel around him isn’t death at all.
It’s love.
I’m in love with him.
He kisses me again and then again, before he withdraws. “You need to eat, love.”
Love? It didn’t have its usual British ring to it. The word makes me break out in goosepimples and I back away, feeling exposed. “New nickname? Are they ever evolving?”
He stands, following me and pulls me close. “Not sure,” he murmurs as he cradles me against his side. “I’ve never been with someone like this before.”
A flush creeps down my skin to think of this being different for him too. Special.
He lets me go a minute later and I sit back down to eat my sandwich. But I’m only halfway through when he starts talking again. “My father, or the man everyone thinks is my father…”
My head snaps up at that, the sandwich turning to paste in my mouth.
“He was the spare. The younger brother of the duke. And he lived his life like he didn’t have a care in the world.
Nearly bankrupted the family. He’d be gone for weeks, even months at a time, partying throughout Europe, or on safari, or…
who the hell knows.” Ryker grimaces down at his sandwich as I turn to him.
“My mother got fed up, I think. She had three boys. Win, Tris, and Gris and she was raising them on her own. She had an affair with the groundskeeper.” Ryker’s mouth twitches. “I’m the product of that affair.”
The tips of my fingers have gone cold. “Ryker.”
“He knew. The man who is publicly considered my father, and he hated me for not being his. Or maybe he hated me for being less.”
“Less?”
“We are not bluebloods, Sasha. Not like Triston, Gris, and Win.”
“Killian?” I ask, because some things are clicking into place. They are rougher looking, Ryker and Killian. They look different, they act different too, with less charm and polish, and more direct aggression.
“You guessed it. We’re not actually Smiths. We’ve always been…outsiders.”
I nip at my lip. I think I understand. “Being outsiders does not make you less. Your brothers know?”
“Everyone knows. No one talks about it. I have an equal share in the profits. On paper, we appear equals. Appearances are ever important in my family. But in terms of the actual operations, Killian and I…we’ve always been shoved to the side.”
I touch his thigh. He covers my hand with his and then leans forward, pressing his forehead to mine. “I understand,” I whisper.
“Thank you, love. I appreciate your understanding. But beyond my anger at Lord Smith, I’ve been wondering the past few days, how much of my brothers treating me differently is about them and their feelings, and how much is me being a dick…” He trails off again.
I get it. He’s trying to make the same decision as me. If he gave them more love, would they love him back?
Or would he be rejected, just like I might be rejected?
I nip at my lip. “I can’t say, but maybe we can test it out together. While we’re doing this thing and we’ve got each other’s backs?”
I know we’ve got an end date. Two days in, and the idea of this thing ending makes me ache.
But just like my family, I think I’ve decided that I’m going to give Ryker my all. I’m going to try and love, and for the first time in my life, I’m going to see what happens when I do and what I get in return.