Chapter 5 Viviana
VIVIANA
One month later, I recount that night every few minutes, stuck in a loop. My brain remembers every moment, my heart latching onto every memory.
Sometimes I debate whether it actually happened. It did, feeling him in every breath I inhale, in every beat of my heart, in every step I take, as if he put me through a metamorphosis and altered my essence.
I don’t know who he is. Maybe that’s a blessing in disguise while I am cursed to relive his ardent kisses, our bodies molded together in fiery passion. My first time was everything I dreamed it would be and nothing I expected.
“Still thinking about the mystery guy?” Evie asks, coming from the shower.
I shrug, peeling at my cuticle. Chasing him away from my thoughts is a feat—hijacking my attention. No amount of classwork or learning helps.
Once I returned, I studied even harder as if that would help me forget the mistake I made. A mistake I am incapable of regretting, even though it might cost me everything. That’s an issue I’ll postpone for later, so I don’t lose my mind for good.
I need to keep pretending it never happened so I can carry on with my desolate existence. It was a mirage, a stolen night. Period.
With every passing day, the man I gave my virginity to slips into a fantasy my starved heart conjured, where he swept me to another realm.
She sits next to me on my bed and pats my hand. “It’s going to be all right.”
A small smile tugs at the corners of my mouth.
I wish I were that confident, but if my indiscretion comes out, I am screwed.
At the thought, a shudder skitters down my back, chilling me.
My parents’ image flashes before my eyes.
The disappointment it will cause them if they find out their good girl has gone bad.
“You need a break,” she says, standing up.
Walking to her desk, she pulls out the drawer, plucking something out. Keys dangle from her fingers, and a mischievous grin teases her mouth. She throws the bundle my way, and I catch it midair.
“It’s my brother’s beach house. He won’t mind. He’s too busy to enjoy it.”
I’ve never met him, adding to the secrecy surrounding her family. I agreed to the no-family-questions rule, even less eager to talk about mine.
The weight of the keys presses into my palm with the possibility of a scenery change. Maybe a small break will help. Anything to escape this funk.
“I don’t know…”
My mystery man has not only been a distraction threatening my hard work, but I can’t afford my parents noticing the smallest change.
“It’s way better than moping around.”
I sigh, the sound ringing with dejection. “I’m not.”
“Sure.” She waves me off. “Trust me. You’ll love this place.”
“And your brother won’t mind?” I ask, not wanting to cause her trouble.
“He has no time to relax, so he’s there only when we meet,” she says, worry clear in her voice.
They have a monthly getaway. He never comes to visit her. I don’t even know his name.
“Sure sure?”
She gives me an intense look, eliciting a grin.
Now, I just have to make sure no one checks on me over the weekend. Some time at the beach is exactly what I need to get over him.
“Thank you. You’re the best,” I say, jumping from the bed to hug her.
As she gets ready to meet her forbidden love, I call Dario.
My heart rate spikes up, nerves getting the best of me. The underboss of the Family is my friend. He was also the only other guy I kissed when I was seventeen, giving in to an impulse based on sheer recklessness and a desire to feel something.
“Hi, Viv,” he says, picking up after three rings.
He’s come a long way from being a rebellious guy to a reputable made man.
Losing what he could have been instead saddens me.
He’s a killer who takes what he wants, does whatever he wishes.
I think we kissed because we knew everything would shift in our future.
We would be different, changing under the pressure of our responsibilities.
Even though we never talked about the kiss, on a subconscious level, we knew. Maybe that’s why we hold on to our friendship, upholding a time when we were unsullied by the Mafia world.
“I need a weekend to myself.”
“You study too much.”
Let him believe that. Except Evie, no one knows I completely lost my mind. Even though I trust him, until I don’t need his help, he doesn’t need details.
“It’s just….” I don’t have to tell him the reason, a shot of guilt infusing my bloodstream.
“Done. But if there’s something. Anything, call me.”
“I’ll be fine. Thank you. Love you.”
“Love you too. I have to go,” he says, drifting further away into a world we share, but while it just casts a shadow over me, it envelops him.
Packing a bag, I take my laptop with me as stealthily as I can. There are some alternative teaching techniques I would like to dive deeper into, but Evie notices me.
“You’re incorrigible. Those kids can call themselves lucky to have you.”
If I will ever be able to.
Sadness from not having the final say in my life weighs on my chest, caving my heart in.
Every time I talk to Dario, I fear this is the time he’s going to tell me I am getting married. While my sister vehemently objects to using women to seal deals, I have accepted my fate. She fought her entire life only to end up married to the boss. If that isn’t ironic, I don’t know what it is.
I just hope my willingness to cooperate will give me what I wish so badly, to become a preschool teacher.
It’s not the first time I’ve asked a favor of Dario.
The two guards will ignore my absence. I don’t know what I would do without him.
He’s not husband material, but we’d make it work.
I’d close my eyes to his escapades; he’d let me pursue my dream.
We love each other. I am afraid he will have to marry my ass now after my idiocy.
Tristan slips once again through the walls I try to erect. Once I forget about him, I will continue my life without being constantly assaulted by what-ifs.
I get behind the wheel of Evie’s car, maneuvering it out of the parking lot and driving for the next two hours. Music floats around, something deep and soulful, because nothing helps in moving on from someone like love songs.
Alone, I give in to my weakness, a few tears rolling down my cheeks. That night plays on repeat in my brain, a broken record capturing every moment. Longing spreads through my insides, missing how good he made me feel. How free I was with him.
A marvelous dream I had to bury.
After the intense night, I fell asleep immediately but woke up in the middle of the night.
I shot up in bed and freaked out, realizing what I had done, what had happened.
Careful not to wake him up, I gathered my things and tiptoed out, peering one more time at him over my shoulder.
He had such a pull on me, the moon to my tide, something I wasn’t supposed to fight but embrace.
I met Evie just in time to get into the car that waited for us—courtesy of her man.
I wonder if Tristan thinks about me from time to time—if I even cross his mind. My heart clenches just thinking I was someone he quickly forgot. Why wouldn’t he? I was a virgin, and I am sure he has a line of women to pick from.
He just oozes potent, seductive energy—dangerous, manly.
Why are we women suckers for men we shouldn’t want? We know nothing good will come from giving in to temptation, yet danger draws us in like the quintessential lover.
While I wanted to ignore the darkness, I sensed its vivid, seductive presence, my instinct nurtured from living among the men in my world buzzing in silent alarm.
I shake my head, willing it to stop causing me grief. I need a damn break, or I’ll go mad. Although that would be more merciful than the future that awaits me.
My sister had been long married and had a kid by my age.
My time is coming, and there is nothing I can do to change that.
Rolling the window down, the salty breeze tickles my nose as I drive down the coast. Following the navigation, I drive for long minutes down a road that brings me straight to a white house with a gray roof on top of a hill, looking like it reigns over the green and sandy landscape.
Behind it, the ocean blends with the horizon.
The dreamy scenery captivates me, and I stumble out of the car. It’s the perfect place to recharge, away from civilization. I wonder, and not for the first time, who Evie’s brother is. This enigmatic man stays in the shadows, but still makes sure Evie is taken care of.
Grabbing my small suitcase from the trunk, I approach the entrance and slide the key into the lock.
The wooden door opens with a light creak, causing a tremor to rock me—a thief afraid to be caught.
I am allowed to be here, I remind myself to soothe my nerves.
Still, it feels like I am trespassing. I should get in the car and leave.
If he’s like I assume he is, he doesn’t like uninvited guests, but something pushes me. Curiosity to learn more about him and to better understand my best friend. The door clicks shut behind me, sounding like something final that has me gulping.
As the sun sets, it streams through the large French windows, dancing on the polished floors in a colorful game of hide-and-seek.
I discover no pictures as I walk through the open living room and the stocked kitchen.
Walking into another room, I freeze, realizing it’s a home office done in deep brown tones and golden hues.
By the window, two armchairs flank a small coffee table where a chessboard lies, the two king pieces staring each other down in the middle.
It carries a somber note as I approach the mahogany desk with a globe in the corner. I trace my finger along the smooth surface, huffing. Men want nothing less than to conquer the world.
On my discovery tour, I find a theater room, a gym, and an indoor pool with a sauna.
The house is as lavish as it is cozy. Like he wanted to make it homey, but midway, he decided he had something to prove.