18. Ayana
CHAPTER 18
Ayana
I couldn’t breathe.
Every attempt to draw more oxygen failed, and I was growing alarmingly lightheaded, both from the hand around my throat and the weight of his body pinned against mine.
Vuk loomed over me, his face twisted into a scowl that had my self-preservation instincts screaming. His eyes were ablaze with some dark emotion I couldn’t discern, but it was like he wasn’t there. His mind was detached from his body, lost somewhere I couldn’t reach.
He didn’t see me; he saw a nameless, faceless threat he needed to neutralize.
Spots danced in front of my vision. Fear punched through my chest along with a strange, infinitesimal, and completely misplaced sense of euphoria.
It was there one second and gone the next, but the shock of it was so great I managed a small gasp.
The sound seemed to snap Vuk back to his senses.
Awareness slowly seeped across his face, followed by horror. He immediately loosened his grip, and I gasped again, my lungs burning from the sudden influx of air.
Tears prickled my eyes—a physical reaction more than an emotional one, as every muscle in my body loosened with relief.
Vuk stared down at me, his face stark. Despite his relaxed grip, his hand was still on my throat, and my arms were still pinned above my head. His body molded so tightly to mine I felt every ridge and muscle.
My heavy pants steadied as my breathing gradually returned to normal. I didn’t push him off me.
I should’ve felt scared. If Vuk hadn’t returned to his senses when he did, I would’ve blacked out or worse. But there was a part of me that, somewhat delusionally, didn’t believe he would hurt me no matter the circumstances.
I had no data to back up that feeling. No rhyme or reason. It was simply instinct.
Vuk’s eyes traced my face. He wasn’t the type to ever show regret, but the tick in his jaw revealed his turmoil over what happened.
“I’m okay,” I whispered. “It’s okay.”
His throat flexed with a hard swallow. He moved to release his hold on me, but I instinctively freed one hand and grabbed his wrist, making him still.
His eyes flared with surprise, and the tiny flicker of heat from earlier sparked to life again.
I didn’t consider myself a fear junkie. I hated horror movies, avoided dark streets at night, and regarded Halloween with the wariness one might approach a feral cat. My sex life had been pretty standard up to this point, and I’d never fantasized about breath play.
But something about this moment flipped a switch inside me. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe it was just him .
The memory of Vuk’s mouth on my skin resurfaced. It had been a featherlight kiss, so brief and chaste it hardly qualified as a kiss at all. Yet my body ached at the reminder, and my hips tilted upward on their own.
Vuk had wedged his thigh between my legs, immobilizing me, and the slight movement of my hips added unbearable pressure against my core.
The flicker of heat ignited into a full-blown fire. Goosebumps peppered my skin, and it took every shred of willpower not to grind against his leg like a lioness in heat. My breaths turned erratic again as I fought to control my inexplicable arousal.
What was wrong with me? My fiancé was waiting for me in the other room, and I was having fantasies about his best man—dirty, filthy fantasies about what would happen if I gave in to my desires, and what he could do to me while I was pinned underneath him.
The flames pulsed low in my belly.
God, there must be a special place in hell for me.
Darkness bled into Vuk’s eyes again. I hadn’t released his wrist, and he must know—must suspect—what effect he had on me.
My mouth dried.
I wasn’t sure how much time had elapsed, but it was so dark, and the music was so loud, that time seemed to slip away altogether.
We were in our own world. Nothing else mattered.
Vuk pressed his knee up—no more than a centimeter, the movement so subtle it didn’t shift the rest of his stance in the slightest.
But that was enough. The renewed pressure sent a burst of pleasure through me. It crawled through my blood, lighting me up from the inside out.
Vuk’s palm closed around my throat again—not enough to cut off my air, but enough to draw out a small, humiliating moan.
I shouldn’t like this, but fuck , I did.
My hand slid from his wrist to his shoulder. Vuk lowered his head, his face a terrifying mask of sharp edges and cold, brutal intensity as he watched me rub shamelessly against him, all restraint gone.
I barely noticed. A flush of heat spread across my skin, and the world blurred, narrowing to the pinpoint between my legs. Pressure built and built, climbing higher and higher until?—
A burst of footsteps penetrated my haze.
Vuk flinched back like I was on fire. His head jerked to my left as his vest vibrated, indicating he’d been hit.
Mine vibrated a second later. A shudder ran through my body, but I gritted my teeth and forced myself to straighten.
I faced the intruder, my core throbbing, my skin so sensitive from my ruined orgasm that the vibrations echoed like lurid taunts.
“I won!” Will beamed at us and did a little jig. “Fuck, I won!”
He seemed too high on victory to realize this was a group game and that by hitting Vuk, he’d tagged his own team member out.
It didn’t matter. I was the last woman standing, so they would’ve won either way.
I dragged in a shaky breath. I’d completely forgotten we were playing laser tag. How much did Will see before he tagged us out? Did he…when I…
Heat scorched my cheeks. I peeked at Vuk, who’d reverted to acting like I didn’t exist. He brushed past me toward the exit without so much as a glance.
Oh God.
The reality of what I’d done hit me like a freight truck. I’d basically dry humped Vuk Markovic in a fucking laser tag arena. And he hadn’t stopped me.
What did that mean? Maybe he’d been so surprised he hadn’t known how to react, or —wishful thinking—he hadn’t known what was happening at all.
The chances of that were slim, but it wasn’t like we’d kissed or taken our clothes off. I didn’t even get to come, thanks to Will. It was basically like nothing happened. Right?
I let out a small groan. My excuses sounded flimsy even to myself.
I followed Vuk and Will upstairs to the VIP room, where the rest of the group was waiting for us. I was convinced my brush with infidelity was painted all over my face, but no one seemed the wiser.
“Great job, babe.” Jordan stood and kissed my cheek.
I forced a smile. My gut knotted with guilt as I accepted his kiss while the phantom of another man’s touch lingered on my skin.
My attention drifted to Vuk again. I realized with a jolt that he was staring right at us. His eyes slid from Jordan back to me again, and his mouth curled into a mockery of a smile that made me flush all over again.
I yanked my gaze away.
He knew what I’d done. But he didn’t have to be such an asshole about it.
Thankfully, we didn’t stay long now that the game was over. Since the girls lost, they covered the night’s tab and refused my attempts to contribute.
“This is your night,” Sloane said firmly. “You’re not paying a dime.”
Arguing with her was like arguing with a brick wall, so I didn’t bother.
We all filed outside except for Vuk, who stayed behind to take a video call. Everyone said their goodbyes and went home, leaving Jordan and me alone for the first time since he returned from Rhode Island.
He waited until the taillights from the last cab disappeared before he spoke. “How are you feeling?”
A brisk breeze swept the lingering flush off my skin. “Cold and tipsy,” I said, earning myself an amused snort. I smiled before I mused, somewhat apprehensively, “Six more weeks.”
“Yeah.” Jordan shoved his hands in his pockets. “You ready?”
No. “Are you?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be.”
We stood quietly, listening to the sounds of traffic and the chatter of passersby. We usually conversed so easily, but we were both lost in our own thoughts tonight.
“How’s your grandmother doing?” I asked, finally breaking the silence.
“As well as could be expected. You know her,” Jordan said with a half smile. “She’s tough, and she’s been on my ass about marrying since I finished grad school. Our wedding has made her a very happy woman, all things considered.”
That was a silver lining, at least. But now that we were on the topic of family… “Will you tell your family the truth after our arrangement is over?”
His smile morphed into a grimace. This topic was territory we rarely broached, but I knew how much his secret weighed on him. No matter what happened with our marriage, I wanted him to be happy. I didn’t think that was possible unless he told his family why he’d chosen a marriage of convenience over one of love.
“I don’t know. I want to, but I have a feeling they won’t take it well, and I’m not ready to deal with that,” he admitted. Another lukewarm smile. “Ask me again in five years.”
“I’ll put it in my calendar,” I said.
Jordan laughed, but I didn’t press him any further.
It was his life; he should do things on his own timeline. Besides, I understood why he was so hesitant. He was his family’s only heir. How could he tell them that he had zero interest in romantic relationships with anyone? He’d had sex, and he’d experimented with different relationships, but he didn’t need or want a life partner. He definitely didn’t want kids.
That was why he’d come to me for our arrangement. I already knew his secret, which he’d confessed to me one night over drinks in Milan. That’d been years ago, right after the end of my Jacob Ford campaign, and I’d proven to be one of the few people in his orbit who’d never tried to use, manipulate, or seduce him in some way.
There was also no way I’d fall for him or expect a traditional marriage with him, which made me the perfect partner for his purposes.
It was a mutually beneficial arrangement, but part of me wished it wasn’t necessary. I couldn’t help but feel a little sad that Jordan couldn’t share such an important part of his life—and himself—with his family.
“You never told me why you needed the money from our arrangement,” he said. “Care to clue me in?”
“Does anyone really need a reason for wanting money?” I deflected. Although I trusted Jordan, he was far too involved with the industry for me to risk sharing my plans. There wasn’t anything he could do about my contract anyway, and I didn’t want to drag him into my mess when his grandmother was sick and he had his own company to run.
“No. But when someone like you is willing to give up half a decade of your life for it, there’s usually a strong motivator involved.” He shrugged. “You’re beautiful, smart, and successful. You could find a better, richer love match than me any day of the week.”
Love match. Right.
I tilted my head back and stared at the sky. It was impossible to see the stars over Manhattan, but I liked to imagine a sea of them out there, twinkling down at us like benevolent angels. Watching the drama and travails of mankind as we stumbled through life searching for purpose, meaning, and the tiniest shred of happiness.
“Maybe,” I said. “But it doesn’t really matter now.”
Were there richer men than Jordan? Yes. Were they better men or a potential soulmate? Who the hell knew.
I glanced at the laser tag entrance. Vuk was still inside.
My mind flashed, unbidden, through our interactions over the past month.
The seamless way his presence fit in my kitchen. The small tug at my stomach every time I saw him. The touch of his lips on my skin and his hand on my throat.
It wasn’t so much who he was but how he made me feel— like I wasn’t alone, like I was alive, and the world was rife with possibilities instead of obstacles.
If he’d been the one who proposed a marriage of convenience, would I still feel this sick leading up to the wedding?
“I’m going to head home,” Jordan said. “I can call you a cab.”
I shook my head. “I’ll walk. My place isn’t that far.”
We exchanged goodbyes. Then he left, and I was by myself again. For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to leave yet.
Now that everyone was gone, I felt…empty. They’d filled me up with their energy, and without their excitement, I was just sad and exhausted. Not exactly the way a bride-to-be should feel after her bachelorette.
I’d had fun, but it hadn’t escaped my notice that I barely knew half the people present tonight.
I’d lost touch with my friends from high school and college. Time and distance had eroded those relationships, and I had nothing to take their place. Maybe if I did, I’d feel less adrift.
I had exciting news and no one to share it with; I had shitty days and no one to commiserate with. Not on a deep level, anyway. It was like a thick glass wall existed between me and everyone else. I could see them, but I couldn’t reach them. If I had a true emergency, I wouldn’t know who to call outside my family.
All because I’d exchanged my version of what I wanted for…this. The glamour, the fame, the money (which wasn’t really that much after taxes, agency fees, and other expenses). Most people would kill for my life, but I often wondered what it would’ve been like if I’d finished school and became a doctor or chemist instead.
It might’ve been better, it might’ve been worse, but at least I would’ve felt free.
The door to the laser tag venue opened. Vuk exited, his face set in stone once more. I didn’t know what call he had to make this late on a Saturday night, but whatever it was, it’d pissed him off.
Our eyes met. The events of the night passed between us, heavy with unspoken words.
A muscle jumped in Vuk’s jaw. He turned and left without saying goodbye.
Follow his lead and walk away, Ayana.
I stared after him. Remembered the thrill of his lips on my hand and the electric high of our moment in the dark. It was the most alive I’d felt in a long, long time.
When he disappeared around the corner, something inside me snapped. I ran after him before I lost my nerve. “Wait!”
He stopped mid-stride, his back still to me. The street was quieter than the main avenue outside the arena, and I could hear the thundering of my heart as I walked toward him.
I’d worn high-heeled boots against the venue’s advice because I was most comfortable in heels. They were usually a confidence booster, and they gave me a sense of control over my life.
None of that confidence or control was present tonight. Nerves hummed in my veins, high-pitched and strained, but it was too late to back out.
Vuk finally turned and watched me approach, the picture of indifference. Shadows played over his face, twining around knife-blade cheekbones and a cruel, stern mouth.
A month ago, being alone with Vuk Markovic on a dark street would’ve given me a panic attack. But somehow, somewhere, that had changed.
If I could choose anyone to be with at that moment, I would choose him.
I stopped a few feet away, my heart in my throat. “When you kissed my hand during the game, was it a cop-out or…was it something else?”
I cut straight to the chase. It was too late, and I was too frustrated to do anything else.
My heart pattered to an uneven beat as I awaited his response.
Not a single flicker of emotion marred Vuk’s expression. What would that ‘something else’ be?
“You tell me.” I’d never been this forward with anyone, but we’d been dancing around each other for weeks.
It was time to address the elephant in the room, once and for all.
Vuk peeled himself out of the shadows and into the light. His steps echoed in the empty street, and a strange twist of anticipatory fear curled through me.
It was the same feeling that’d consumed me in the arena. The knowledge that I was teetering on the precipice of danger, and that the fall would be both the most terrifying and most exhilarating thing I’d ever experienced.
It took him three steps to close the distance between us. The threat of an oncoming storm lurked behind those cold, blue eyes. Why are you here, Ayana?
This was my last chance to make up an excuse. That would be the safe, smart thing to do.
But I was tired of being safe, and smart, and every other thing that hadn’t gotten me anywhere except here—trapped in a gilded cage and bound to a man I didn’t love.
Why did everyone else get to do what they wanted while I had to do what was “right?” Why couldn’t I chase a piece of my own happiness when I’d spent so much of it in pursuit of others’ dreams and goals?
I just wanted one thing for myself. One spark of connection that made life exciting again.
My breaths puffed in the cool night breeze. I took a tiny step closer, my chest brushing his with every exhale.
Vuk’s muscles visibly tensed, but he didn’t move away.
Anticipation streaked through my blood. I was climbing, inch by inch, to the top of a rollercoaster and waiting for the inevitable drop. That sudden, giddy rush—there was nothing quite like it.
Emboldened, I placed a hand on his shoulder and stood on tiptoe, letting reckless courage guide me as I tilted my chin up and?—
Vuk’s hand shot up and manacled my wrist. His palm burned into my skin. “Don’t.”
The word scraped across my senses and hit me straight in the gut.
He spoke. Verbally. To me.
The air evacuated my lungs. His voice was deep and gravelly, exuding control but laced with emotion.
Shock swept my attempt at a kiss aside like debris in a flood.
Vuk didn’t talk unless he felt like he had to. Even Jordan hadn’t heard him speak much since college.
So why did he choose tonight to break his silence?
I stared up at him, taking in the strained set of his mouth and the painful grip around my wrist.
Don’t . The tortured sound rang in my ears, and it was in that moment that the truth set in with painful, wrenching clarity.
That wasn’t the command of a man who didn’t want me; it was the plea of someone who did .
Vuk Markovic wanted me, and it was killing him that he couldn’t have me, even when I offered myself to him. Especially when I offered myself to him.
The knowledge sent a dizzying rush through me. “Vuk…” I breathed.
He squeezed my arm to the point that I almost cried out. He brought his mouth next to my ear, his voice so low and rough it made me shiver. “Kada te kona?no budem poljubio, ne?e? vi?e nositi njegov prsten na ruci.”
I didn’t understand a word he said, but I picked up on the sentiment. It sounded like a threat and a promise all rolled into one.
Vuk released me for the second time that night.
He left me standing there in the dark, breathless with want and aching for more.