4. The Wife I Don’t Know
four
The Wife I Don’t Know
Dean
I hadn’t seen my mother’s spirits so high since the initial diagnosis and the roller coaster that had followed. With a smile on her face, she got dressed all on her own, and didn’t need assistance walking from her room all the way to the car.
Something inside of me stung, knowing that we were lying to her. But then again, what was a lie if it returned her old, happy self to us in this manner?
She insisted that I sat next to “my bride” in the car, while she sat on my other side. I held her hand, squeezing it gently.
“Don’t worry, D,” she whispered, her smile glowing through her voice. “Que sera, sera. We agreed, right?”
“Right,” I whispered from between my teeth.
“I know that you two hastened this wedding for my sake. But it was, oh!” Looking up and placing her hand over her heart, she sighed deeply. “It was so absolutely beautiful. How can a beginning like that be anything but the start of a profound journey? Right, D?”
I smiled and turned to look into her eyes. “Yes. And I wouldn’t have had it any other way.”
“Now. I’ve spoken to Hamlin— ”
“Mom—”
“Listen to me. We’ve both heard what the doctors said, and I taught you better than to delude yourself. Let’s stay realistic. He has my updated—”
My chest tightened. “I don’t want to talk about this now. I want to enjoy this beautiful Sunday morning ride; so, can we do that?” I felt Emma’s hand grab mine, squeezing it gently. I got the message, so I took a deep breath. “Alright. What did you want to change with Hamlin?”
“It’s already been changed.” She leaned closer to my ear, whispering so low that only I could hear her. “I’ve added Emma to my will. I gave her the West Chelsea penthouse, since you never really liked that place, anyway. I didn’t want her to think that I didn’t consider her. She’s my daughter-in-law .”
Feeling my heart drop, I bit my lower lip. “When did that happen?”
“Yesterday morning, before everyone started flocking in. I had a decent hour with him, and we amended everything. It’s been done, so please don’t argue with me.”
Letting go of Emma’s hand, I pulled mom’s hand into both of mine, holding it lovingly. “Why did you do that? Really. I’m taking care of her.”
“A woman deserves to know that she has her own place. It’s a basic need. I have faith in you and in making this marriage work, but in case of anything—you know we can’t trust the way life goes—I want her to feel safe. When a woman feels safe, she’s free to fully be herself and give her all.” She paused, looking into my eyes. “And you deserve to have her all, Dean. You deserve a present woman to offer you everything .”
In the presidential suite of the luxurious hospital, Emma stepped up once again, offering us great support as if she were really my loving wife and my mother’s caring daughter-in-law. She stood with the doctors and I, asking questions and demanding clarifications on the expected aftermath of the surgery.
Once we settled in the suite, Emma took care of ordering me breakfast, since I didn’t have the stomach to eat before we left the house. She even demanded that my orange juice was to be “freshly squeezed and not yesterday’s leftovers.” I nearly laughed at our day’s spending, which was enough to put a student through four years of college.
When I received a call from my uncle—my mother’s brother flying back from a diplomatic trip in Rome—I had to leave the room. When I returned, and just as I approached the door, I overheard my mom speaking to Emma.
“He’s a gentle soul that’s also powerful, like a warrior,” my mother said. I smiled, knowing that it was her obsession with ancient mythology talking. “Sure, he’s a little bit brooding, and sometimes gets lost in his philosophy books, psychological fiction, and his own thoughts. But he always comes back… but you must already know that, dear.”
“I know,” Emma lied in a tender voice. “And none of that bothers me.”
“Sometimes he gets dark, so dark that I worry—”
“I’m here. You don’t need to worry anymore.”
“The loss of his father at such a young age made him question everything.”
“And that’s only natural. But see, Pearl, your son is brilliant. See what he did with the company and still does? The name he’s built for himself? Those are not the actions of a broken man. Like you said, he’s a warrior. A survivor.”
“And he needs your love, more than he may be willing to say.”
“I—I know. And it’s here. I’m here. You just focus on getting better for his sake.”
“I don’t want this to break him the way his father’s death did. ”
“Dean isn’t broken, Pearl.” Emma paused. “He may be just… a little misunderstood. But he’s not broken. He’s one of the kindest, most compassionate men I know.”
“And it eats at his mind.”
“You need to stop worrying, Pearl. I believe that’s my job now.” My mother let out an airy laugh as she patted Emma’s hand lovingly, one I hadn’t heard in a while.
“Promise me that you’ll always keep him grounded. Remind him of the beautiful things in life. Show him that love is real and good… and that it can last forever.”
“I—”
“ Promise me , Emma. I may not have the chance to speak with you about this again.”
“Please don’t say that.”
“Why is it so hard for you to promise?”
Emma humored a moment of silence before I heard her say, “I—I will, Pearl. I promise. I’ll keep him grounded. I’ll remind him of the beautiful things in life. I’ll make sure he believes that love is real… and good… and that it can last forever.”
“Thank you, sweetheart,” her tone finally carried some relief.
My eyes welled up, but not because of what my mother said; she had said all those things to me before. It was Emma’s outstanding ability to switch up the words without changing them at all in order to put my mom’s mind at ease while sparing herself a lie. That was what amazed me.
It was a dangerous skill—a superpower, of sorts. It struck me that I had worked with that woman for nearly three years without ever noticing that talent in her.
When they finally came to take mom to the operating room, we walked alongside her all the way until we were no longer allowed. As they closed the door, Emma turned to me and placed her hand on my arm, gently rubbing it for a second before we walked back to the lounge together.
Alone in there, and knowing that we had at least two hours to kill, I watched Emma dip her hand into the large duffel bag she had brought, pulling out a classic flask.
Tossing my head to the side in disappointment, I moaned, “What’s this ?”
“This.” She came closer, leaning over my untouched glass of juice and pouring a little bit of the clear liquid in. “Is for your nerves.” Towering over me, she extended her hand with the glass, holding it in front of my face. “Nobody needs to know.”
A sarcastic smile curved my lips as I accepted my beverage, looking away. “Great. Now you think I have a problem.”
“I wouldn’t dare,” she quickly said. “But given all of this, Dean…” She sat down on the sofa next to me, shifting to face me. “God only knows what the past week’s been like for you. But I know what yesterday was like. And last night. And now. You owe it to yourself to relax a little bit. Two hours won’t just fly by when you’re worrying like this.”
“And you think this is going to solve it?” I took a sip, maintaining my ridiculous smile. “You’re just like my mom.”
Grinning, she shifted a few inches away until she could lean back against the armrest. “I’d take that as a compliment any day . But I’m curious as to how?”
Looking away, my gaze moved over to the wide window overlooking the open skies. “She always tells me to postpone worry until worry’s due.”
“Wise woman.”
“And that escapism is what caused her to completely break down when my father unexpectedly died.” I paused, turning to look at her. “ It’s also what got her obsessed with me finding love. As if love doesn’t come with its own set of losses and tragedies.”
“Losses and tragedies are inevitable, Dean. They’re a part of life. But you know what else is? Beauty. Joy in little and big things. Music, books, and art that stir you.”
“And intrusive thoughts that can ruin all of it,” I objected, sitting back and placing one leg over the other.
“Intrusive thoughts need to be examined. Of course, they demand acknowledgement and respect. But they, too, are subject to analysis and breakdown. You don’t think I’ve had my fair share of pain? I may have not lost a parent, but I’ve lost things… valuable things along the line. I still worry that I’ll lose more, but then what? Do I stop living?”
Furrowing my eyebrows, I felt slightly attacked. “I’m living.”
“You are, of course you are. But you can’t judge or blame Pearl for wanting more for you. She loves you. You’re her son. Of course, she wants you to be loved and happy. To fall in love and bask in every joyful moment it brings. Your mom isn’t deluded or I, she knows that loss will come eventually. But it will come anyway , whether you enjoy what comes before it or not.”
“Are you saying that I’m scared?”
“I’m not saying that. I’m just saying… if you keep an open mind and heart, your life will be enriched with so much more than what your mind can imagine. And love can be powerful, even if it lasts for one night.”
I snorted, running the tip of my finger along the rim of the glass. “I think you’re mistaking love for lust.”
“So? In the heat of a moment, didn’t you ever feel like you’ve transcended all logic and reason, and allowed yourself to get lost in affection so deep you could touch it? You could call it love?”
“That’s self-deception.”
“I don’t know. I think you’re smarter than to blur those lines. And my point isn’t the label; it’s the emotion. The sensations that come with it.”
“If you’re so pro-love, then how come you’ve been single since the day I met you? You never mentioned a boyfriend or even a date.” By the look on her face, I knew I’d crossed a line. Immediately, I shifted slightly in my seat, lifting up a hand, quickly saying, “You know what? You don’t have to answer that. It was wrong of me to expect you to share details of your private life at work. Actually, I admire your professionalism.”
She nodded, looking away and placing both hands on her knees, readying to stand up. “It’s okay.” Standing up, she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “Anyway. I’d better start getting Pearl’s things in order. I want this room to feel a little homier for when she comes out.” Heading to mom’s suitcase, she proceeded to unzip it. “Please, have something to eat,” she said without looking at me. “You didn’t sleep well last night, and you’re going to need your strength.”
Once again, I watched “my wife” take care of every little detail around the room like a professional. Aromatherapy candles on the tables. Mom’s favorite set of sheets and duvet, even her custom pillow. A picture frame of our family on the nightstand. The book mom was reading last night.
My eyes followed Emma’s movements, while my mind distracted itself by following guesses of what great loss she might have suffered.