Chapter 12 #2
“So that’s why?” she asked, stepping closer, her voice turning sharper with every word. “That’s why you never got close to me?”
Her arms folded tightly over her chest before dropping again in frustration.
“No sex during the entire marriage—was that the reason?” she demanded. “What else are you hiding from me? Don’t you think I deserve to know the truth?”
The last words cracked slightly, betraying her emotions, but she refused to look away from him.
“You married me,” she continued, her words rushing out faster now, “but you never intended to actually be with me? You’re telling me you planned to spend our entire marriage without touching me?” Her breathing turned uneven. “That you never felt anything for me… is that it?”
Elias’s expression changed instantly.
“Are you out of your mind?” he shot back, taking a sharp step toward her.
His eyes swept over her face before trailing down her body in one quick, frustrated glance, then locking back onto her eyes. The look was intense, almost offended by the accusation itself.
“Do you seriously think that?”
A rough breath escaped him as he dragged a hand through his hair.
“What kind of man do you think I am?” His eyes locked onto hers. “What exactly am I lacking that I’d marry a woman I didn’t want?”
Amara didn’t move. If anything, her chin lifted higher in defiance.
“If you wanted me that much,” she shot back, “then why did you avoid me our entire marriage? Why did you keep disappearing like coming home to me was the last thing you wanted?”
Elias’s jaw tightening hard enough for the muscle there to twitch. He dragged a hand down his face, exhaustion and frustration written all over him, before exhaling heavily through his nose.
For a second, he said nothing.
Then he turned back toward her.
His eyes moved over her body instinctively, lingering for a moment before returning to her face.
When he finally looked back at her, his voice had lowered, rougher now.
“You think it was easy?”
One of his hands lifted, gesturing toward her as if he didn’t even know how to explain what she did to him.
“Have you even looked at yourself?” he muttered, almost sounding frustrated by the question itself. “Do you have any idea how hard this has been for me?”
His hand lifted instinctively toward her, stopping just inches away from her waist before he forced it back to his side, fingers flexing like it physically hurt not to touch her.
“Look at you,” he muttered.
His eyes moved over her again, slower now, lingering in a way that made the tension between them thicken instantly.
“Have you even looked at yourself?” he asked, his jaw tightening. “Do you have any idea how hard it was to sleep beside you every night and not touch you?”
His voice dropped lower.
“I’m a man, Amara.”
The words came out strained.
“What did you think I was going through every time you curled up against me in your sleep? Every time you hugged me without even realizing it?”
His throat bobbed as he swallowed hard.
“You’d move closer, cling to me, bury yourself against my chest…” His eyes darkened at the memory. “And I had to lie there pretending it didn’t affect me. I had to just stay still because I wasn’t allowed to touch you.”
His hand flexed at his side before he raked it back through his hair in frustration.
“I wanted you,” he confessed, his voice rough now. “God, I was dying to sleep with you. But I didn’t want to hurt you, so I kept my distance.”
He looked away briefly before letting out another low breath.
“I was scared I’d lose control,” he admitted quietly. “Just like I did last night.”
The memory alone seemed to tense him again. His shoulders stiffened, and he laughed softly under his breath, though there was nothing amused about it.
“When I realized you were in pain this morning…” His expression darkened immediately. “I was terrified.”
His eyes lifted back to hers, raw and honest now.
Amara’s anger softened slightly as she listened to him.
Not completely.
The hurt from all those months of rejection still lingered heavily inside her chest. But hearing him finally say it—hearing the real reason behind his distance—eased something deep inside her, something she hadn’t even realized had been aching for answers this entire time.
For months she had wondered what was wrong with her.
Why he avoided her.
Why he looked at her one moment like he wanted her, then disappeared the next.
Now, finally, she had an answer.
“You still had no right to hide it from me.”
Elias lowered his gaze briefly and nodded once.
“I know.”
Something in his expression shifted before he slowly stepped closer to her again.
This time, when he lifted his hand, it wasn’t forceful or impatient. His fingers brushed lightly against the side of her face, almost hesitant, as though he was afraid she would pull away from him.
His eyes held hers, and for the first time since the conversation started, she saw something vulnerable in them.
“The doctor said there was a chance…” His voice faltered slightly before continuing. “There was a chance you might never be able to get pregnant.”
Amara’s breath caught.
Elias swallowed hard before continuing.
“Your injuries were serious. There was damage… and scarring that still needed time to heal.” His thumb brushed faintly against her cheek as he spoke. “The doctor warned that your stress could make the injuries worse.”
His gaze softened further.
“They said the calmer and more relaxed you were, the better your recovery would be. Your grandpa thought telling you about it would only make you anxious.” He paused briefly. “And honestly… I thought so too.”
He looked down at her quietly for a moment before adding in a lower voice,
“So none of it mattered to me, Amara. Whether you could get pregnant or not… I didn’t care about that. I just wanted you. Safe. Healthy.”
Amara froze at his words.
For a moment, she just stared at him, her breathing slowing as the meaning behind everything he had said settled heavily inside her chest. Her heart thudded painfully against her ribs, and she suddenly couldn’t hold his gaze for too long anymore.
Her fingers curled tightly against her palms.
Then her eyes lowered.
“You shouldn’t have married me,” she whispered.
A faint, bitter smile touched her lips before disappearing just as quickly. She shook her head, emotion flickering across her face.
“I don’t think you deserved to marry someone with a damaged body,” she admitted, her voice trembling slightly despite her attempt to stay composed. “Not when it could affect your future like this.”
Her eyes lifted toward him again, pain visible in them now.
“No wonder you kept your distance from me.”
The realization hurt far more than she expected. Knowing he had carried all of this alone… knowing he had entered the marriage already aware of everything she might never be able to give him—it twisted painfully inside her chest.
“When Grandpa asked you to marry me…” she continued quietly, her voice softer now, “it already hurt enough thinking you only agreed because he begged you to… because he knew that I liked you.”
Her throat tightened slightly before she forced herself to continue.
“But now…” Her eyes flickered away for a brief second. “Now knowing you married me while knowing I wouldn’t be able to be a proper wife to you…”
Her throat tightened painfully as she forced the words out.
“That I wouldn’t be able to sleep with you… wouldn’t be able to give you a child…”
She looked away quickly, blinking rapidly as if trying to stop herself from completely breaking down.
“It’s not fair to you.”
As she said it, she instinctively took a small step backward, trying to create distance between them, unable to bear the weight of the guilt sitting inside her chest.
But before she could move further away, Elias immediately reached for her again.
His arm wrapped firmly around her waist, pulling her back against him before any distance could form between them. The movement was quick, almost instinctive, as though the mere thought of her stepping away irritated him.
“Amara.”
His other hand came up to her face, fingers sliding along her jaw before he tilted her head upward, forcing her to look at him.
His brows were tightly drawn together now, frustration and disbelief clear across his face.
“Are you out of your mind?” he asked sharply.
There was genuine offense in his expression, like he couldn’t believe what she was saying.
“I married you because I liked you,” he said firmly, his voice low but intense. “It never mattered to me whether we could have sex or whether you could give me a child.”
His grip around her waist tightened slightly as he held her in place.
“I didn’t know how important it was to you,” he admitted. “That’s why I didn’t want to stress you out. Even if we never had children, it wouldn’t have changed anything for me.”
His eyes locked onto hers, unwavering.
This time his voice rose slightly, emotion finally breaking through the calm restraint he had been trying to maintain.
“So don’t twist this into something it’s not,” he said, almost sounding angry that she would think so little of his feelings for her. “I won’t accept that.”
His thumb brushed firmly against her cheek as he continued.
“I married you because I wanted to marry you. Not because I was forced to.” His jaw tightened. “And I made that decision knowing everything that came with you.”
Amara could only stare at him.
There was something almost desperate in the way he looked at her now, as if he was trying to stop every ugly thought forming in her head before it could settle there permanently. At the same time, he looked deeply troubled by the fact that she truly believed he saw her as a burden.
The realization clearly offended him.
As if the idea that he would pity her instead of love her angered him more than anything else.
Amara swallowed hard, her throat suddenly dry under the intensity in his eyes.
Then, after a long silence, she finally whispered softly,
“Thank you… for telling me.”