15. Stepping Up
fifteen
Who could believe that that rollercoaster ride had only been two weeks ago? With the whole Nathan Wright fever in the rearview mirror, I tried my best to convince myself that it hadn’t felt like months since our night in his car. That I didn’t miss him at all.
“I’m just saying.” Zoey held up a finger. “I would’ve let him take me to that party first.”
“And be treated like a trophy the whole night? In a dress he bought me? No, thanks,” I objected before pouring hot water into my mug. “Why are we still talking about this? It’s history.”
“Right. When is Alex fixing that machine?” She pointed at the old coffee maker. “It’s a new year already.”
“Why don’t we just all pitch in and buy a new one?”
“So that he can use it for all his rich lawyer friends? I don’t think so.”
“They literally help him pay our salaries!”
“Now you like them.” She shook her head in dramatic disappointment. “For shame!”
Stirring in my sugar, I narrowed my eyes with a forced smile. “Don’t you have work to do?”
“You’re seriously not gonna call him back?”
“No!” I sternly shook my head before licking the spoon. “I can’t afford any of it. The friends, the parties, the dinners… it’s another planet for me.”
“You don’t need to afford it.”
“And I don’t need a man to drag me out of my world and into his, just because the sex is good,” I lowered my voice with the last few words.
“What would you do it for?”
Her question hung in the air between us, thickening it and rendering everything around us in slow motion. I knew that my eyes and hers remained linked for an eternity, but I wouldn’t voice an answer and with that, she knew.
Silently shrugging, she spun round and got out of the kitchenette, leaving me to my new demon.
“What would you do it for?”
My mother did it for love, and for twenty years, lived with dad here in America. When they both retired, it was his turn to reciprocate, moving away from everything he grew to know and love so that he would see the world from where she came.
I didn’t happen to know too many people who had to switch entire worlds to accommodate a relationship, but was the Jones family destined to suffer through it one way or the other?
Without thought, I picked up my phone and called Silvain, my brother.
“How do you know if you’re in love?” was the first thing he heard through the line.
I heard him clear his throat. “Uh—You know I’m at the hospital, right?”
“You could’ve answered me!”
“What’s with you?”
“I’m having an existential crisis.”
He chuckled. “Can it wait? I’ll video call tonight.” I heard the PA say something in French in the background. “They’re calling me. I have to go. Tonight, d’accord?”
“Fine. Go, save a life.”
“Bye!”
A couple of hours later, and after I’d handed in a draft I was working on, Alexander called me into his office. I went in, ready to take notes of his comments.
“Sophie, please sit down,” he said as he took off his reading glasses, setting them down on his desk.
I did as he asked and kept my eyes on his face while he rubbed his eyes. “I don’t know what happened between you and Nathan Wright, but you know this can’t interfere with our work here… right?” He finally looked at me.
“Of course!” I quickly nodded. “May I ask why you’re—”
“Because he called me asking about you last week, and again yesterday.”
That was the last thing I’d expected someone of Nathan’s status to do. Petrified, I wished I could lie to my boss. Instead, I cleared my throat and decided to go for a more direct approach. “I’m sorry you got mixed up in that. I did a stupid thing and… I’m willing to take full responsibility for it.”
Chuckling, Alex leaned back, slightly rotating his chair just a few degrees. “Sophie, I don’t care if you and him had a thing. He’s a good man, and you’re great! All I’m saying is that he’s coming today to discuss the case updates with Ryan McFadden. Luckily, you don’t have to attend, but—”
Leaning forward, I blurted out, “Things are civil, I promise you.”
He narrowed his eyes for a moment, then smacked his lips before saying, “Then why does it sound like you handled the breakup badly? Nathan is a proud man, and he’d never tell me any details, but… for him to call and ask if you’re still in town, if you’re still working here, I—” He spread out both his hands, a baffled expression drawing itself up on his face.
Sighing, I got up and walked toward the door, closing it before going back to sit across from him. “Alex, you know you’re my friend,” I calmly stated.
Pressing his palms together, he silently nodded, waiting for me to continue.
“I…” I shook my head. “I feel terrible about the way I left things with him; it was juvenile and not a reflection of who I want to be. But that was two weeks ago, and now I’m afraid it’s too late to go back and apologize.”
“I disagree.”
“What?”
Kindly smiling, he leaned closer, resting his elbows against the desk. “I’m not saying you should do like I do, but you just said we’re friends, right? I can offer my unsolicited advice?”
“Please.”
He deeply exhaled. “I tend to treat everything in life like a case. Nothing is ever concluded without a final verdict and a clearly communicated sentence.”
“You mean closure.”
“Precisely. Now, you can go on with your life pretending like you don’t owe Nathan Wright anything, and I’m sure he’ll move on and forget all about it eventually. Or… you can do the mature thing and open a channel of communication, even if your intention makes it the final one. Nathan is a great person to have as an ally.”
Even though I felt like I was being schooled, I knew that Alexander was right. In the few times Nathan and I had interacted, he hadn’t done a single thing to warrant such treatment. Despite my desire to believe otherwise, I actually did owe him an explanation, or at least an apology.
I spent the rest of the work day in a daze, Alexander’s words spinning in my head like a tornado that wouldn’t calm any time soon.
At precisely five o’clock, I saw Nathan walk in through the door with a flat expression on his face. He didn’t even look in my direction as Patty, my colleague, greeted him and accompanied him to Alex’s office.
Why did his disregard of me hurt so badly when I was the one who had started it? I felt like I wanted to cry.
“Don’t,” I heard Zoey whisper and looked up to realize that she was standing right beside me. “Don’t be one of those chicks who only want a man because he’s ignoring her.”
Sighing, I stared down at my laptop screen. “Is it that obvious?”
“Maybe it is. Maybe it’s all in my head. But I thought for a moment you were ready to get up and run to him.”
“Would it have been so bad?” I attempted to focus on the words before my eyes, but they melted away right then and there.
“No, but then you would’ve had to actually face the feelings you’ve been denying for the past two weeks.”
I turned to glower at her, but her face was smiling. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Maybe.” She shrugged, taking a step away. “I wish I was the betting kind, but I’m not.”
For the entire time Nathan was behind that closed door with Ryan and Alex, I failed to produce any real work. Every sentence I typed, I had to review over and over, erasing most of it and attempting to rephrase. It felt as though I were holding my breath until I saw the door crack open and Ryan walk out alone, closing it behind him once more.
Fifteen minutes later, the door was opened again and Alex walked out with Nathan. Their whispers were agreeable, and Nathan nodded while Alex opened the door for him. I glanced at Zoey, whose eyes were on me like a lion’s on a prey. What would it matter if I embarrassed myself? Now was as good a chance as any.
As soon as Alex went back into his office, I shot out of my chair and bolted out, chasing after Nathan. I heard Zoey laugh in the background.
“Nathan!” I called out through the small driveway before he reached the main gate. “Nathan, wait.” He stopped and slowly turned around as I quickly approached, stopping just a couple of feet away. “I’m sorry.”
“For?” He tilted his head, a triumphant expression glaring back at me.
“Leaving without saying goodbye? Not responding to any of your calls or texts? Basically, acting like a child. Is this enough?”
“Enough?” His eyebrows furrowed. “I didn’t ask you for this.”
“But you deserve it.”
“Oh.” He softly chuckled, looking away. “Well, thank you. I am forever grateful for the heartfelt apology.”
I slouched my shoulders, deflated. “Don’t be like that.”
“Like what? Apology accepted. You can clear your conscience now.”
Looking into his eyes, I searched for hatred, resentment or anger. But I saw nothing. It hurt more. “What are you doing tonight?” I knew I was being that woman Zoey talked about and didn’t care.
He scoffed and looked away, taking a step toward the gate. “Let’s not waste each other’s time, Sophie, okay? This is clearly not gonna work.”
Lifting up a finger, I quickly said, “One meal! We can talk like adults, can’t we?”
“Well, I have a thing tonight.”
“C’mon, you’re in town! My house is right around the corner. Can’t you reschedule?”
“You’re asking too much of me, Jones.”
“Uh—” I parted my lips and shook my head, “Do you want me to say ‘please’? Please!”
I thought I saw the shadow of a smile hanging on the corners of his lips before he sighed. “What are you making?”
“Anything you want?” I paused. “Well, not anything… I’m an average cook.”
“I feel like spaghetti,” he said in a serious tone, still keeping his face expressionless.
“Easy!”
“Real tomato sauce—not the kind you get in a jar.”
“I can do that.”
“Basil?”
“I have basil.”
“Fresh garlic?”
I bit my lower lip. “I only have the kind in a jar.”
Taking a step toward me, he shrugged. “I guess I can let that one slide.”
When I rushed back inside to grab my purse, Zoey’s eyes watched my frenzied movements in visible surprise. “You’re playing with fire, I’m telling you.”
Tossing my phone into the purse and folding the laptop shut, I said, “Well, I guess you should alert the fire department, then.”
“Sassy much?”
Slipping the laptop into its case, I scowled at her. “I know this is gonna sound like an excuse to do another stupid thing. But I think if I don’t take this chance right now, I might regret it for a long time.”
“Godspeed, my child!”
“Tell Alex I left, yeah? Bye!” And I was out the door.
In Nathan’s car, I tried to overcome the idea that I should be ashamed of something and plan for the impromptu dinner instead. I would invite him to sift through my library while I cooked the spaghetti and prepared the sauce. I would then break out that bottle of French wine I’d been saving for a good occasion.
And more importantly, I would talk to him… really talk, and share with him something real about why everything I did with him felt like an earthquake to me. He was open to spending this evening with me, so I hoped that he was also receptive to understanding.